The Promotion

Richard:
[to Donnie Wahls] Hey, good luck... because you're gonna' need it.

Person in bar:
Hey, got a light?

Richard:
We're all just out here trying to get some food... sometimes, we bump into each other.

Doug Stauber:
I'm not a lion... I'm a guy.

Jen Stauber:
Goodbye banjo-f***ers!

[Richard explains to the board of directors the sign that cited the deli clerk as employee of the month for "cutting the cheese."]

Richard:
'Cutting the cheese' simply means 'cutting the actual cheese'. It doesn't have a double-thing? So I just missed it. Because in Canada, it's 'cracking'.

Mitch:
The expression.

Richard:
It's 'cracking', in Canada, yeah. We crack the cheese.

[Long pause between Richard and the board of directors]

Richard:
Cracking it? Cracking the cheese? So I simply, really believed that Rogelio had been given an inter-deli award... for cutting the actual cheese. I'm sorry.

[Another long pause as a board member writes Richard's comments]

Richard:
I simply believed Rogelio had been given an inter-deli award...

Mitch:
I heard you the first time.

[During the motivational retreat, the employees form a circle around the retreat leader. They are instructed to place paper bags over their heads]

Retreat Leader:
I want you to take off one thing that you don't need... quickly! Come on.

[Everyone takes off their paper bags, except Richard, who removes his watch. They all stare at Richard, who still has his paper bag over his head]

Retreat Leader:
Let's take something else off that you really don't need... right away!

[Richard takes off his shoes as some of the employees begin to laugh]

Retreat Leader:
Something else you don't need, let's make it happen. Come on!

[Richard removes his belt while the employees continue to laugh]

Retreat Leader:
Something else you don't need. Come on, let's go. Something completely unnecessary.

[Richard turns to his right]

Richard:
Doug, can we take our sack off?

Doug Stauber:
What?

[Everyone bursts in laughter]

Richard:
Did you take your sack off?

Doug Stauber:
I can't really hear you.

Retreat Leader:
If you could take off one more thing you simply do not need. Do it!

Richard:
[whispers] F***!

[Richard removes his shirt, revealing a tattoo of the band KISS on his chest, to the delight of everyone else]

Retreat Leader:
Okay, uhhh... all right, everybody that still has a bag on top of their heads, scream, 'My concentration skills need improvement.' One, two, three.

Richard:
My concentration skills need improvement!

[Everyone bursts into laughter]

[after giving his apology speech at a community center following his incident with a gang at the supermarket, Doug meets with Richard, the board of directors and the community leaders]

First Community Leader:
I think everybody is feeling pretty good about it.

Richard:
Yeah.

First Community Leader:
It's isolated.

Richard:
Oh yeah, it's a one-time thing.

First Community Leader:
What's that?

Richard:
I agree, it's isolated. I think it was just some 'black apples'. We won't be seeing that happen again.

[Long pause between everyone]

First Community Leader:
Black apples.

Richard:
What's that?

First Community Leader:
You said, 'black apples'?

[Another long pause]

Richard:
I said bad ones...?

First Community Leader:
The f*** you said bad.

Richard:
Bad apples?

First Community Leader:
You said black.

Richard:
I'm sorry if there's some confusion. Maybe in the confusion, I...

Mitch:
Hey, come on. It's been a long day. That was a slip.

First Community Leader:
This is a lot of sh*t.

Richard:
You are not a black apple to me. I said, that possibly, there was one black one in the batch, not you. And I didn't mean to say black. I meant 'back'... 'blatch', blah... 'blapples'.

[Long pause between everyone]

First Community Leader:
Where'd you get this f***er?

[the community leaders walk away as Mitch follows them]

Mitch:
Let's catch up outside. I'll hit you with some gift certificates.

[Richard struggles to assemble a ship in a bottle while his motivational tape plays in the background]

Motivational Speaker:
Have you ever seen an eagle blow his top? Do your best to keep your cool.

Richard:
Stay loose...

[the ship tips over when Richard places his tweezers near it]

Richard:
F***!

Motivational Speaker:
Every life has its frustrations, but be careful not to let them get the best of you in front of your family. Instead of curses, find a more family-friendly way to express life's frustrations.

[Richard drops his tweezers inside the bottle, causing him to get up in anger]

Richard:
F*** you! Ship f***! A**hole ship! Seven seas f***er! Jolly f***er!

Lori Wehlner:
For Christ's sake...

Richard:
No one can do that! It's impossible! Not even a guy with tiny hands! Not even a guy with a child's hands! F*** that!

Hardy:
Hey, Mr. Wehlner.

Richard:
Hey, Hardy. How are you doing?

Hardy:
I'm doing good.

Richard:
What did you do last night?

Hardy:
I went to the movies with my sister.

Richard:
You did?

Hardy:
Yeah.

Richard:
That sounds awesome.

Hardy:
Guess what?

Richard:
What?

Hardy:
I'm growing a mustache.

Richard:
All right. That's cool. [offers a handshake] Hey, Hardy, you're doing a great job at the store here.

Hardy:
Thanks.

Richard:
Keep it up.

[as Hardy walks away, Richard feels his right hand after shaking it with Hardy and gives an uneasy look on his face. Doug sees this and approaches him]

Doug Stauber:
What's going on?

Richard:
Oh, nothing. Just... Hardy. It just gets sad, sometimes. Do you know why Hardy's hand is powdered?

Doug Stauber:
Why?

Richard:
These retarded guys... masturbate so much that they rub the skin off their penises. They don't know better, and that they have a hard time not jerking off.

[Mitch and the board of directors appear behind Richard]

Richard:
Hey!

[Richard walks away as Mitch approaches Doug. He watches the conversation from a distance]

Mitch:
Was he talking about jerking off in the store?

Doug Stauber:
I guess it was me enjoying a rainbow cone to celebrate Richard's racial slur. But I had a feeling he was starting to crack. A couple more little things. He might just fall apart. 'Black apples'? What an a-hole.

[Following the incident where Doug sprays mace at a gang member, he gives his apology speech to the community]

Doug Stauber:
We understand that the young men involved in the incident are not good examples of the community, but are troublemakers, who there are a lot of everywhere in this day. The incident was unfortunate for both parties, but we won't let a few bad apples spoil the batch. You can be sure of that. Thank you for coming.

Richard:
You hear that guy? 'Where'd you get this f***er?' Maybe I don't belong here. Maybe he's right.

Lori Wehlner:
You, you just... you said, 'blapples', hon. It was weird.