The Road to El Dorado

Tulio:
If I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice!

Miguel:
[While cutting down vines] The trail that we'll blaze... [Vines fall to reveal a rock wall, and Miguel points to the distance to the left] THAT trail that we'll blaze!

Tzekel-Kan:
Behold! As the prophecies foretold, the time of judgment is now! Citizens, did I not predict that the gods would come to us?

Chief Tannabok:
Big smile - like you mean it!

Cortes:
My crew was as carefully chosen as the disciples of Christ, and I will not tolerate stowaways. You will be flogged. And when we port into Cuba to re-supply, God willing, you will be flogged some more. And then enslaved on the sugar plantations for the rest of your miserable lives. To the brig.

Miguel:
You fight like my sister!

Tulio:
I've fought your sister - that is a compliment!

Miguel:
Blaggard!

Tulio:
Heathen!

[While running for their lives, they come to the edge of a roof, quite a distance from the waterfront.]

Miguel:
I'll bet we can make that.

Tulio:
Two pesetas says we can't.

Miguel:
You're OOOOOOONNNNNNN! [They jump of the edge and land in two barrels] You lose. [Tulio flips two pesetas into Miguel's barrel]

Tulio:
What's happening here?

Miguel:
We're both in barrels. That's the extent of my knowledge.

Tulio:
Alright. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those... longboats... and then, we... row back to Spain like there's no mañana!

[Pause]

Miguel:
Back to Spain?

Tulio:
Yeah.

Miguel:
[uncertainly] In a rowboat?

Tulio:
You got it!

Miguel:
[sarcastically] Oh, great. Sensational. And that's your plan, is it?

Tulio:
That's... pretty much it.

Miguel:
[truly delighted] Well, I like it! So, how do we get on deck?

Tulio:
[pause] In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those... longboats...

Miguel:
[bored; sarcastic] Oh, great!

Tulio:
[annoyed] Well, then, what's your idea, smart guy?!

Miguel:
[annoyed] Wha-wha-what do you mean? You're the one who comes up with the plans!

Miguel:
Altivo! Hey, Altivo! You want the nice apple? Come and get it! But, you have to do a trick for me first! All you have to do, is find a pry bar. It's a long piece of iron with a hooky thing at the end.

Tulio:
Miguel, you're talking to a HORSE!

Miguel:
Yes, that's it Altivo. Find the pry bar!

Tulio:
Yes, "find the pry bar". He doesn't understand "pry bar"! He's a dumb horse, there's no way he'd--

[Altivo drops keys into the brig]

Tulio:
Well. It's not a pry bar.

Tulio:
Did any of the supplies make it?

Miguel:
Well, um, yes and no.

[Altivo is shown eating the few supplies that made it into the boat.]

Tulio:
[sarcastically] Oh... GREAT!

Miguel:
Tulio, look on the positive side. At least things can't get...

[Thunder claps and rain falls.]

Tulio:
Excuse me, were... were you going to say "worse"?

Miguel:
No.

Tulio:
No?

Miguel:
No.

Tulio:
You sure?

Miguel:
No. Absolutely. I've revised that whole... thing.

Tulio:
We're at least in a rowboat.

Migule:
Yes, in a rowboat, you miss nothing.

[Altivo nervously watches sharks following the boat]

[Miguel and Tulio are stranded in the boat, together with Altivo]

Miguel:
Tulio, did you ever imagine it would end like this?

Tulio:
[Pause] The horse is a surprise.

Miguel:
Any... regrets?

Tulio:
Besides dying? Yeah. I never... had enough... gold.

Miguel:
My regret, besides dying, is... our greatest adventure is over before it began, and no one will even remember us.

Tulio:
Well, if it's any consolation, Miguel, you... made my life... an adventure.

Miguel:
And if it's any consolation, Tulio, you made my life... rich.

[Altivo snorts in irritation; the boat has been drifting near land the whole time.]

Tulio:
Apparently, El Dorado is native for... "Great... Big... ROCK!!!" [silence, as "ROCK!!!" echoes] Hey, but I tell you what: I'm feeling generous, so you can have my share!

Miguel:
Tulio, you don't think, Cortes could've gotten here before us and, and--

Tulio:
And what? Taken all the really big rocks? The scoundrel!

Miguel:
Tulio! Tulio, we've done it!

Tulio:
Is that the map?

Miguel:
It's all right here!

Tulio:
You still have the map?

Miguel:
The whistling rock! The stream!

Tulio:
You kept the map but you couldn't manage to grab a little more FOOD?!

Miguel:
Even those mountains! You said it yourself, it could be possible, and it is! It really is the map to El Dorado!

Tulio:
[Pause] You drank sea water, didn't you?

Miguel:
[Frustrated] Oh, come on!

Tulio:
I'm not "coming on"! I wouldn't set foot in that jungle for a million pesetas!

[Tulio starts to head back to the rowboat; Miguel gets an idea.]

Miguel:
How about... a hundred million?

Tulio:
[Stops] What's that?

Miguel:
Well, I just thought, that since El Dorado's the city of gold...

Tulio:
What's your point?

Miguel:
You know, dust, nuggets, bricks. A temple, where you could pluck gold from the very walls, but you don't want go! So let's go back to the boat and row back to Spain! After all, it worked so well last time.

[Miguel pretends to head back to the boat; Tulio changes his mind and hurriedly stops him.]

Tulio:
Waaa- Wait! New plan. We find the City of Gold. We take the gold... and then go back to Spain.

Miguel:
And buy Spain!

Tulio:
Miguel and Tulio!

Miguel:
Tulio and Miguel!

Together:
Mighty and powerful Gods!

Chel:
Hello.

[both squeal; Chel bursts out laughing]

Tulio:
Depart, mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt!

Miguel:
Beware the wrath of the gods! Begone! [mimics lightning bolt] Ck-ck!

Chel:
[calmly] Save it for the High Priest, honey, you're gonna need it.

Miguel:
Ck-ck!

Tulio:
Miguel, it's not working.

Miguel:
Ck-ck!

Tulio:
Miguel! We've been caught.

Miguel:
Ck-ck...

Chel:
Oh, no. Don't worry about me. "My only wish is to serve the gods." Remember?

Tulio:
How?

Chel:
Well, you guys both want the gold and you don't want to get caught, right? You're gonna need help.

Miguel:
Why do you think we need your help?

Chel:
[mimics Miguel's lightning sound] Are you serious?

Chel:
Oh, then I suppose you'll be wanting these back? [produces Tulio's dice in her hand]

Tulio:
[pats pockets, shocked] Hey... how'd you get those?

Miguel:
[raising eyebrows] Where was she keeping them?

Tulio:
The little voice, remember? Remember the little voice? Well, just for a second, imagine that you have one. What would it be saying about Chel?

Miguel:
Uuuuum... [purrs]

Tulio:
No, no! Listen, we are partners.

Miguel:
We're partners.

Tulio:
And we have a plan, remember?

Miguel:
Get the gold, go back to Spain.

Tulio:
Yes! And we are pretending to be Gods. Now, put Chel in the mix. What does the voice say? Listen carefully.

Miguel:
Chel is... off limits?

Tulio:
Bravo! Chel is off limits!

[Tzekel-Kan starts to perform a human sacrifice.]

Tulio:
STOP! This is not a proper tribute!

[Miguel rescues the intended victim and drags him to safety.]

Tzekel-Kan:
[Surprised] You do not want the tribute?

Miguel:
No no, we want tribute. It's just that, um... Tulio, tell him.

Tulio:
The stars are not in position for this tribute!

Miguel:
Like he said! Stars! Can't do it. Not today.

Tzekel-Kan:
[Uncertain] Perhaps it is possible that I... misread the heavens.

Miguiel:
Don't worry about it! To err is human! To forgive!

Miguel:
You worry too much.

Tulio:
No, I worry exactly the right amount! You can never worry too much!

Tzekel-Kan:
My lords? Hello?

Chel:
The High Priest! What's he gonna think if he finds one of the Gods like this with me?

Tulio:
Uh, "Lucky God"?

Chel:
Just-- just-- just... [frustratedly fixes Tulio's hair]

Tzekel-Kan:
Hello?

[Chel kicks Tulio toward Tzekel-Kan]

Tulio:
WHOA! Oh, Tzekel-Kan! What brings you here?

Tzekel-Kan:
I humbly request to have an audience with you, my lord.

Tulio:
Lord, yes. What can I do for you?

Tzekel-Kan:
My lord, I have just seen Lord Miguel out among the people.

Tulio:
Really?!

Tzekel-Kan:
If I may be so bold as to offer some advice?

[Chel signals Tulio to cut Tzekel-Kan off]

Tulio:
[misreads Chel's signal] Alright, shoot.

Chel:
[facepalms and groans in frustration]

Tzekel-Kan:
My lord, you are perfect.

Tulio:
Oh. Well, go on.

Tzekel-Kan:
But in your perfection, you cannot know how imperfect humans are. [begins to conjure menacing images] Like snakes, they are spineless and slippery. They are as untrustworthy as rats, stealing and cheating, with no remorse [takes a bite out of a conjured pear then spits it out]. Spinning webs of lies, like SPIDERS! [crushes a conjured spider in his hand]

Tulio:
[nauseated] Stop it! That's disgusting!

Tzekel-Kan:
[makes the conjured images vanish] They're beyond disgusting!

Tulio:
Yeah, yeah! Way beyond!

Tzekel-Kan:
Then we're in agreement, I shall think the proper preparations. Now, do you wish to have your victims bound to altar, or would you prefer them free range? And will you devour their essence whole, or piece-by-piece?

Tulio:
[pause] Tzek, you lost me.

Tzekel-Kan:
My Lord, these people will not respect if they do not fear you.

Tulio:
And, of course, we will make them fear us, by, uh...

Tzekel-Kan:
By sacrifice! As it is prophesied, the history of the Age of the Jaguar will be written in...

Tulio:
Ink?

Tzekel-Kan:
Blood!

Tulio:
Blood! Oh! Oh, yes. This is very important stuff. I should tell Lord Miguel about this blood issue right away. [to Chel] Come on, honey. Let's go.

Tzekel-Kan:
[Relieved] Finally, we're connecting.

Tulio:
What... do you think... you're doing?!

Miguel:
[chuckles] Laying low?

Tulio:
[growls to himself in frustration] Look, change of plan: We need to grab what we can, and get outta here, now!

Miguel:
What?! Why?!

Tulio:
Because the High Priest is NUTS!

Miguel:
We need a miracle.

Tulio:
No, we need to cheat!

[When confronted by Tzekel-Kan, Miguel and Tulio begin to use their con tactics to fake an argument]

Tulio:
You're not a God? You lied to me? How dare you?!

Miguel:
Hey, it was his stupid plan!

Tulio:
My plan was that we should lie low! But your plan was to run off and be all "Oh, look at me, look at me, I'm a God!"

Miguel:
That's not true!

Tulio:
No? Who are you kidding?! You're buying your own con!

Miguel:
At least I'm not dating mine!

Tulio:
I-- Ooh, low blow. Listen, Mr. High and Mighty. We'd both be sailing out of here with a mountain of gold if you had just listened to me!

Miguel:
Well, you've got the precious gold and Chel! So what do you need me for?!

Tulio:
Well, maybe I don't need you anymore!

Miguel:
Well, then, why don't you just go back to Spain, and I'll stay here, and we'll both get what we want?!

[They start slapping each other]

Tulio:
Fine with me, pal!

Miguel:
Fine with me, too!

Tulio Fine!

Miguel:
Okay!

Both:
ALRIGHT!

[They both punch Tzekel-Kan in the face]

[Tzekel-Kan has been found by the Spanish after being banished from the city. He planned to lead them to El Dorado, but Miguel and Tulio flooded the main tunnel entrance and collapsed it. Surveying the blank wall of stone, pools of water and piles of rock, Cortes looks at Tzekel-Kan in disgust.]

Cortes:
You lying heathen! There is nothing here at all.

Tzekel-Kan:
No. Wait, wait--

Cortes:
[Kicks Tzekel-Kan into the water] Men, seize him!

Tzekel-Kan:
What?!

[Spanish soldiers seize hold of Tzekel-Kan's arms.]

Cortes:
There is no El Dorado here. Onward, men!

[Cortes and his men move on. As Tzekel-Kan is dragged away with them, he notices Chel waving to him cheekily.]

Tzekel-Kan:
Wait! No, wait! WAAAAIIIIIIIT!!!

Miguel:
You fight like my sister!

Tulio:
I've fought your sister! That's a compliment!

Miguel:
Blackguard!

Tulio:
Heathen! [trips and falls to the ground] Not the face, not the face!

[While running for their lives, they come to the edge of a roof, quite a distance from the waterfront.]

Miguel:
I'll bet we can make that.

Tulio:
Two pesetas says we can't.

Miguel:
You're on! [they both jump of the edge and land in two barrels] You lose! [Tulio flips two pesetas into Miguel's barrel]

[Almost immediately, ropes are thrown around the two barrels and they are hoisted into the air.]

Tulio:
What's happening here?

Miguel:
We're both in barrels. That's the extent of my knowledge.

Tulio:
Miguel and Tulio!

Miguel:
Tulio and Miguel! Mighty and powerful...

Together:
Gods!

Chel:
Hello.

[both yell out; Chel bursts out laughing]

Tulio:
Depart, mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt!

[Chel hums calmly]

Miguel:
Beware the wrath of the gods! Begone! [mimics lightning bolt] Ck-ck!

Chel:
[smiling] Save it for the High Priest, honey. You're gonna need it.

Miguel:
Ck-ck!

Tulio:
Miguel, it's not working.

Miguel:
Ck-ck!

Tulio:
Miguel! We've been caught.

Miguel:
Ck-ck...

Chel:
Oh, no. Don't worry about me. "My only wish is to serve the gods." Remember?

Tulio:
How?

Chel:
Well, you guys both want the gold and you don't want to get caught, right? You're gonna need help.

Miguel:
What makes you think we need your help?

Chel:
[mimics Miguel's lightning sound] "Ck-ck!" Are you serious?

[Altivo laughs in a neigh]

[Miguel and Tulio stammer in disbelief]

Chel:
Okay. So, uh, who are you?

Tulio:
Yeah, uh, what's your angle?

Chel:
[chuckles] No angle. I want in.

Tulio:
In?

Chel:
On the scam.

Tulio:
[chuckles nervously] There's no scam. Why would you think there's a s--? [suddenly serious] Why?

Chel:
[chuckles] So I can get out.

Miguel:
I thought she just said she wanted in?

Tulio:
She wants in so she can get out.

Miguel:
Aha! Got it. [confused] Why?

Chel:
Think you're the only ones who dream of better things? Of adventure? You've got your reasons, and I've got mine. Let's not make it personal, okay? It's just business.

Miguel and Tulio:
Oh.

Chel:
[puts both her arms around Miguel and Tulio] So, when you guys are ready to go back to wherever you came from, I'm going with you.

Tulio:
[bursts out laughing and gently removes Chel's hand from behind his neck] No! Don't think so.

[Miguel coughs and whistles]

Chel:
All right. Fine. [chuckles and hits Miguel and Tulio's chests as she passes them] After all, I'm sure you know the proper rituals for blessing a tribute, the holiest days on the calendar, oh, and of course you know all about Xibalba. [pinches Tulio's cheek and giggles] Okay? Good luck. [Tulio rubs his cheek] See you at the execution.

Tulio:
[sputters] Wait! Ho-- Would you-- Hold it.

Chel:
[chuckles] Deal?

Tulio:
Hmm.

Miguel:
[stretches hand out] Deal.

Tulio:
[pull Miguel's hand away] Not yet. Let's just see how this works out.

Chel:
Uh-huh. Well, then, I suppose that means you'll want these back? [produces Tulio's dice in her hand]

Tulio:
[pats his vest pocket, shocked] How'd you get those? [snatches them back from Chel and replaces them in his vest pocket]

Miguel:
[raising eyebrows] Where was she keeping them?

Chel:
Call me, Chel, your new partner.

Tulio:
Uh, that's partner-in-training.

Chel:
Now, put these on. Your public's waiting.

Tulio:
[he and Miguel are about to undress, but Tulio stops.] Do you mind?

Chel:
[not realizing what Tulio meant.] No. [suddenly, she gets the idea.] Oh! Oh! Oh! Right. Uh, excuse me. [Miguel struggles to take his shoe of.] Bye.

Miguel:
Mm-mm-mmm! Maybe they should call this place "Chel Dorado."

Tulio:
[distracted] She's whoo-- [breaks distraction] Whoa, she's trouble! Wait a minute!

Miguel:
What?

Tulio:
The little voice? Remember the little voice? Well, just for a second, imagine that you have one. What would it be saying about Chel?

Miguel:
Hmmmmm... [purrs]

Tulio:
No. No. Listen. We are partners.

Miguel:
We're partners.

Tulio:
We have a plan, remember?

Miguel:
Get the gold, go back to Spain.

Tulio:
Yes. And we are pretending to be Gods now. Put Chel in the mix. What is the voice saying? Listen carefully.

Miguel:
[hesitantly] Chel is...off-limits, hmm?

[game show bell dings]

Tulio:
Bravo! Chel is off-limits! Shake on it. [he and Miguel do a secret handshake.] Off-limits.

Miguel:
Besides, we're supposed to be Gods. We must avoid giving in to temptation.

Tulio:
Gods. [cloth falls down, but Tulio catches it and ties it back up again.] Oh. [embarrassed] This is gonna be tougher than I thought.

Miguel:
Tulio, relax. All you have to do is smile, act Godly and follow my lead.

Tulio:
[After he and Miguel tell the chief that they intend to stay in El Dorado for three days so that a boat can be built for them, Tulio is tossing gold ear rings in his hands and looking worried] No. Three days is not fine. This is a real... [he hands the gold ear rings to Chel] These. These are the ones.

Chel:
[accepts them from Tulio] Thank you.

Tulio:
...problem. [Turns to Miguel sitting on a chair] Miguel, how are we going to keep this up for three days?

Miguel:
[Gets off the chair looking exasperated at Tulio's concern] You worry too much.

Tulio:
[runs toward Miguel] No, I worry exactly the right amount! [turns Miguel around] You can never worry too much! We just have to lie low.

Miguel:
[Looks out at a view of the city in awe with beautiful music playing in the background] But, Tulio, this place is amazing. I mean, I wonder what's--

Tulio:
[cuts him off] No! [record needle scratches, stopping the music] Don't even move!

Miguel:
Tulio--

Tulio:
You're moving!

Miguel:
A little, but-- Come on.

Tulio:
Hey! Hey! Hey!

[He and Miguel scuffle]

Tulio:
Stay!

Miguel:
I--

[Tulio groans in annoyance.]

Miguel:
I just--

Tulio:
Just...stand there!

Miguel:
[frozen in shock] For three days? [he topples over]

Tulio:
Yes! Exactly. For three days. Don't even breathe, all right?

Miguel:
[gets up and brushes his sleeve clean] All right. We lie low.

Tulio:
No, ah-ah-ah-ah! Promise?

Miguel:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, all right, all right.

Tulio:
[sighs in relief] Great. Good. Okay. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to... [tickles Chel] ...gloat over my gold. [he kisses a small gold statue happily]

Tulio:
[angrily whispers] WHAT do you THINK you're DOING?!

Miguel:
[chuckles] Lying low.

Tulio:
[growls at Miguel] [whispers] Look, change of plans: We have to grab what we can carry, and get out of here, now!

Miguel:
[whispers] What?! Why?!

Tulio:
[whispers] Because the High Priest is nuts!

Tulio:
[exhausted] How long does this go on, anyway?

Chel:
The game is over when the shadow touches this line.

Miguel:
We need a miracle.

Tulio:
No, we need to cheat!

Kid 1:
The gods deserve a proper tribute.

Kid 2:
Stop! There will be no sacrifices!

Tulio:
 :[chuckling, holding a bowl with a lemon] That kid does you better than you do. [sighs] Some send-off, huh? We're finally at the "go back to Spain and live like kings" part.

[the children laugh, then Chel puts the kid down]

Tulio:
Ooh-hoo-hoo. :[drinking the bowl]

Miguel:
Well, isn't king kind of a step down from god?

Tulio:
 :[stops drinking and spits] What? Wh-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Miguel, we can't stay here. :[chuckling] We have a plan, remember?

Miguel:
How about we forget the plan? Hmm?

Tulio:
What?

[the jaguar statue roars and appears and breaks out of the temple, and then they both scream like girls]

Tzekel-Kan:
 :[evil laughter] Now everyone will know the truth of your "divinity"!

[Tzekel-Kan corners Miguel and Tulio on the edge of a cliff overlooking a cenote well with the animated stone jaguar]

Tzekel-Kan:
I know what you are. And I know what you are not. And you are not GODS!

Tulio:
[to Miguel, after an awkward silence] You-You're not a god?! You lied to me?

[He clears his throat, urging Miguel to play along, only to have Miguel glare back at him]

Tulio:
[Gasps in surprise, then flings him towards Tzekel-Kan, still keeping up the act] How dare you?!

Miguel:
[Playing along with Tulio, but reluctantly] Hey, it was his stupid plan!

Tzekel-Kan:
[confused] What?

Tulio:
Woah, woah, oh. My plan was that we should lie low! But your plan was to run off and be all "Oh, look at me, look at me, I'm a god!"

Miguel:
That's not true!

Tulio:
No? Who are you kidding?! You're buying your own con!

Miguel:
At least I'm not dating mine!

Tulio:
I-- Ooh, low blow. Listen, Mr. High-and-Mighty, we'd both be sailing out of here with a mountain of gold if you had [smacks him in the back of the head] just listened to me!

[Tzekel-Kan smirks in amusement]

Miguel:
Well, now you've got all the precious gold and Chel, so what do you need [smacks Tulio back] me for?!

Tulio:
Well, maybe I don't need you anymore!

Miguel:
Well, then why don't you just go back to Spain, and I'll stay here, and we'll [shoves him] both get what we want?!

Tulio:
[shoves him back] That's fine with me, pal!

Miguel:
[smacks him] Fine with me too!

Tzekel-Kan:
[still amused] Ooh.

Tulio:
[smacks Miguel back] Fine!

Tzekel-Kan:
Ouch!

Miguel:
[hits Tulio] Okay!

Tzekel-Kan:
[chuckles]

Both:
All RIGHT! [both punch Tzekel-Kan, knocking him down]

Tulio:
Tie him up!

[Tulio and Miguel tried to tie Tzekel-Kan. When suddenly, Tzekel-Kan roars at them.]

Tulio:
What? Whoa.

[The jaguar statue comes back alive, ready to eat Tulio and Miguel, They screaming in terror]

Tulio:
JUMP!

[They both falls down when the vines are hanging on. The jaguar jumps right in front of Tzekel-Kan. Then cliff starting to break away. They screaming, Tulio and Miguel runs away from the cliff breaking. Then, breaking completely, Tzekel-Kan and the jaguar send into the whirlpool]

Tzekel-Kan:
NOOOOOOO!!!!

[Tzekel-Kan and stone jaguar falls into the whirlpool. Tzekel-Kan swimming around the whirlpool and goes straight towards the jungle. Moments later. Tzekel-Kan gets out of the water, then hearing a sword clanging while Cortes and the guards appear, then shuddering]

Tzekel-Kan:
My lord.

[Tzekel-Kan crawling on the water, then Cortes puts the gun touches the earing]

Cortes:
Where did you get this?

[Cortes lets go of the earing, Then, Tzekel-Kan smiling at Cortes]

[last lines]

Chel:
Hey, guys. Come on! You don't want to stay here forever, do you?

Miguel:
But, uh, we don't have a map.

Tulio:
We don't have a plan.

Chel:
Well, that's what makes it interesting. [Altivo nods in agreement]

Tulio:
[getting the idea] You're right!

Miguel:
What are we waiting for?

Chel:
Let's follow that trail! Hyah! [Miguel and Tulio fall off Altivo] Come on, boys!

Tulio:
[he and Miguel chase Chel and Altivo] Hey! Altivo! [Miguel pushes him] Augh! [gets back up.] Sit, boy! Sit! Chel, we're not on the horse!

[Chel laughs as the armadillo chases some butterflies and eats one, ending the movie]