The Tailor of Panama

Harry Pendel:
Oh, yes. The lies. Very, very sorry about the lies. Louisa, I never did work in Saville Row, did I? Not as such. I learned the tailoring in prison. I burned down my Uncle Benny's warehouse to help him out. And then when I done my time, Uncle Benny, he gives me my portion, sends me out here so I can't get into trouble. I pretended he was Arthur Braifwaite. You see, lying's what we do in prison, luv. It's instead of love, really. You tell a thing the way it ought to be because that's so much better than how it is. Well, it's that bad. If you follow me.

Louisa Pendel:
Why didn't you just tell me from the start?

Harry Pendel:
[sobbing] Because I fell in love with you, my princess, and I knew that I wasn't good enough for you. Not as I stood.

Louisa Pendel:
Harry, you are such a fool.

Sarah Pendel:
[Coming downstairs] Dad, you promised to tell me a story. Where were you?

Harry Pendel:
Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry.

Sarah Pendel:
No need to cry about it, Dad.

Mark Pendel:
[Coming downstairs] Hi, Dad.

Sarah Pendel:
Hi, Mum.

Harry Pendel:
What do you want me to do?

Louisa Pendel:
What do I want you to do? What you always do. [pregnant pause] Make breafast.

Mark Pendel:
Can we have pancakes?

Harry Pendel:
The way I see it, we all have a dream of ourselves, that we could be more than we are. Well, Pendel and Braithwaite are here to help you realize that dream, in the Savile Row tradition.

Harry Pendel:
When they took Noriega out, I said to myself, Harry, they got Ali Baba, but they missed the forty thieves.

Harry Pendel:
At the table, bunch of gentlemen from the loyal opposition. They come much cheaper, naturally.

Harry Pendel:
Welcome to Panama, Casablanca without heroes.

Michelangelo 'Mickie' Abraxas:
Never on our knees.

Harry Pendel:
Right.

Michelangelo 'Mickie' Abraxas:
Or on our asses.

Michelangelo 'Mickie' Abraxas:
You know what I would do if I were president of Panama?

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
What?

Michelangelo 'Mickie' Abraxas:
I'd shoot every f*** in this room.

Michelangelo 'Mickie' Abraxas:
Look at us. Look at us! We got everything God needed to make paradise. And what do we do? We sell each other. We sell our country. We sell it all away!

Michelangelo 'Mickie' Abraxas:
The only good men left in Panama City are you and me. That's all, you and me.

Harry Pendel:
Do you know what the poor call those? The Cocaine Towers. And our 85 banks? The laundrettes.

Stormont:
Noriega formed these so-called Dignity Battalions. Dingbats. They were to beat the dignity out of anyone remotely critical of Noriega. It was Dr. Frankenstein, George Bush, who created this monster when he was head of the CIA. And when Noriega's drugrunning and brutality got too much, even for the CIA, it was George, now President Bush, who decided to take him out. And just to make sure, they firebombed a big chunk of the old city. Sadly, that's where the anti-Noriega rebels were. The handful that Noriega hadn't banged up already. So no more opposition, silent or otherwise. Burnt, scattered, fled.

Uncle Benny:
Harry boy, I've told you time and again, a man who tells the truth is bound to be found out sooner or later. Try sincerity, that's a virtue. But truth, it's an affliction!

Harry Pendel:
I never lied to you, Marta, you know that. I didn't tell you everything, but what I told you was true. There's only so many people you can do that to. Tell the truth. Other people are different. They need to be...

Marta:
...tailored.

Harry Pendel:
...helped.

Harry Pendel:
And I didn't finish his suit, it would've given him back his dignity, he wouldn't have shot himself in it.

Louisa Pendel:
Why?

Harry Pendel:
I don't know. I thought it was a game.

Michelangelo 'Mickie' Abraxas:
I couldn't do it again. No more prison. They break you in there. You... you get so much courage in life; when it's gone, it's spent. I got none left.

Luxmore:
Their leading man is one Michaelangelo Abraxas, known to many, I am sure, as the elusive Pimpernel of the Popular Movement Against General Manuel Noriega. Abraxas is a man of proven integrity, skilled at clandestine warfare. His second in command, but, I submit, his equal in skill and resolution, is code-named "Marta," another veteran of the anti-Noriega resistance. For cover purposes, she is employed as a counter receptionist by our own Panamanian head agent, the redoubtable "Bucket."

Elliot:
[Later] Do you think, personally, this Abraxas is Presidential material?

Cavendish:
Oh... Scotty...

Luxmore:
Abraxas is world-class. Courageous. Unsullied. Incorruptible. A man to dream of when you're shaping nations.

[Cut to Abraxas packing an armful of liquor bottles as his escape "supplies."]

Gen. Dusenbaker:
There's a missing star on our flag, gentlemen. It looks to me as if God is giving us a second chance here.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
[Trying to make his getaway] Get out of my way. Don't be bloody annoying, Harry!

Louisa Pendel:
Do you love her?

Harry Pendel:
Yes, I love her. But I have never *made* love to her.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Are you pulling my pisser?

Harold 'Harry' Pendel:
Not unless the President's pulling mine!

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Don't be a c*nt, Harry, we're made for each other. You've got the debts, I've got the money. Where's your patriotism?

Harold 'Harry' Pendel:
I had it out in prison, without an anesthetic.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
You're right... it WAS open. Just TIGHT from lack of use.

Andy:
Come and dance.

Francesca Deane:
Oh God. You don't DANCE as well, do you?

Andy:
As well as what?

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
It's dark and lonely work, Harry - like oral sex, but someone has to do it.

Francesca Deane:
Do you know I think you're the wickedest human being I've ever met.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
That was the attraction, wasn't it?

Cavendish:
Not the Osnard who got drummed out of Madrid? Foreign Minister's wife, wasn't it?

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Not his wife. Mistress. There are some things I won't do for England.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
There's two ways we can deal with this one, old girl. Sweat it out for six months, then fall into each other's arms. "Darling, why didn't we ever do this before?" Method B, the preferred one... full-on affair, now. Observing tight security all round. See how we like it. If we don't, chuck it in. No one's the wiser.

Francesca Deane:
I don't suppose it's occurred to you that I might hugely prefer someone else?

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Is that a "no"?

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
No.

Harry Pendel:
And do we dress right or left, sir? Most of my gentlemen favour left these days, don't think it's political.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Never know where the bloody thing is. Bobs about like a wind-sock.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
[to Harry] It's all right. I'm your fairy godmother.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Without the Yanks to hold our hands, London will pull the entire project.

Harry Pendel:
Why?

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Because in matters of intelligence, dear Harry, as in most matters merry England sucks on the American hind tit. It's called "The Special Relationship".

Harry Pendel:
So we have to stop all this, you hear? Mickie knew nothing about it. You know and I know, I made it all up.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Oh, it's too late for that, old boy. Out of our hands. A case of life imitating art.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Come on, let's dance. Camp it up a bit. Come on. I'll lead.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Don't you ever feel like breaking out... running wild? Just for the badness?

Louisa Pendel:
Never. Harry is my virtue. Without him I'd be...

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
You'd be like Harry without Arthur Braithwaite.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Look at those tits. Yum-yum.

Harry Pendel:
You press me too hard, Andy.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Sweetheart, you haven't even felt me yet.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
You've excelled yourself. This is a better yarn than Arthur Braithwaite.

Harry Pendel:
Are you implying that I'm...

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Doesn't matter what I think. It plays.

Louisa Pendel:
What is all this bullshit about Abraxas and Delgado?

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Don't worry about it. It's crap. It's all a game.

[first lines]

MI.6 Handler:
Panama.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Panama?

MI.6 Handler:
Best I could do Andrew. Under the circumstances, given your sins. They were baying for blood.

Harry Pendel:
[taking his measurements] A very creditable 34 plus, sir.

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
Plus what?

Harry Pendel:
Plus lunch, put it that way, sir.

Louisa Pendel:
Tell me about this Andy Osnard.

Harry Pendel:
He's become a sort of a pal. As such.

Louisa Pendel:
I used to be your pal. As such.

[last lines]

Andrew 'Andy' Osnard:
[making eye contact with flight attendant] Well, there are two ways we can deal with this, my dear...