The Tracey Fragments

Tracey Berkowitz:
I kinda like to ride a different bus every night depending on my mood. Like, if I'm depressed, I enjoy being around other depressed people. And happy people, they frickin depress me! You know?

Tracey Berkowitz:
Look, the other day, something happened. I came to certain realizations. I can't tell you what or you'll end up like me, on this bus, looking for someone.

Tracey Berkowitz:
I don't like the country. Creeps me out. In the country, dead bodies live in swamps, and ditches, and shallow graves. A man dumps the body of a girl in a ditch. The body rotts; Melts into slime. Flowers pop up where the body lies, seeds fly out of the flowers, and a bee sucks the flowers and makes honey. And then the family of the girl buys the honey from the store. And the family eats the girl.

Tracey Berkowitz:
When a horse falls, foam comes out of its mouth. When it falls, the legs of the horse thrash and the horse is no good... So somebody shoots it. The horse turns into glue. A machine puts the glue into bottles and children squeeze the bottles to get the glue out and stick bits of paper onto cards. Glue gets on the children's hands and the children eat the glue. And the children become the horse.

Dr. Heker:
Why don't you go home? Go home.

Tracey Berkowitz:
My name is Tracey Berkowitz. Fifteen. Just a normal girl who hates herself.

Tracey Berkowitz:
When things happen to people, they radiate a light. Because they have a picture caught inside them. Because they were there and you weren't. And because you only got a piece. And because all you can do is shrink and blow up that one tiny piece.

Tracey Berkowitz:
Doctor Hecker, my psychiatrist. She only cares about the, like, 80 bucks an hour she's paid, or whatever, to prevent me from turning into a psycho. Well... it's kinda too late for that.

Tracey Berkowitz:
It really isn't my fault. I absolutely had to run away. Like, my Dad, he's always saying that I exaggerate. You know? He's always like, 'Tracey, I don't know what to believe and what not to believe.' But how do you know what's real and what's not when the whole world is inside your head?

Tracey Berkowitz:
He stuck his cock in me and said I love you, in that exact order. Now I'm not afraid to die. 'Cause like birds and bees and bugs, they all die after they f***.

Tracey Berkowitz:
This is the story of the girl with no tits. Went to my school. No tits. Big dumb moon face.

Tracey Berkowitz:
Look, I'm not what you think. I'm not junk, I'm not a dink. I'm not garbage flowers you leave to rot and stink, and smell, and curl up all dry and papery so they crumble as crusty as the flowers on this f***ed up shower curtain.

Tracey Berkowitz:
Remember in the news? When two retards had a kid? Well, that was me.

Tracey Berkowitz:
One day you fall for this boy. And he touches you with his fingers. And he burns holes in your skin with his mouth. And it hurts when you look at him. And it hurts when you don't. And it feels like someone's cut you open with a jagged piece of glass.

Tracey Berkowitz:
Men buy girls panties. Myra Bernie told me. Girls in school like me. Unpopular girls, girls with big tits, girls with regular tits and girls with no tits at all. The men don't even care. Panties just come out of a machine like chocolate bar. The men take them home and cuddle them like a little kitten. She told me. Myra Bernie. Because her parents heard it at a party. I don't care. I don't even like panties. The word sickens me.

Tracey Berkowitz:
Exhibit B: My mother. She is too busy to talk to me, she smokes three packs a day and getting her away from the TV is a surgical procedure.

Tracey Berkowitz:
[she's calling her home; her mother picks the phone up] Hello? [silence] Hello? Hello? HELLO? [her mother hangs up the phone slowly] F***!

Tracey Berkowitz:
[after a screaming woman has been escorted off of the bus] But she didn't do anything!

Bus Driver:
It's been a long day. Come on, let's go.

Tracey Berkowitz:
It's this dirtbag! [points at woman's husband] [Tracey is escorted off too] She didn't even do anything! She didn't do ANYTHING! [gets off of the bus, goes to the lady] Are you okay?

Woman in Fur:
[sobbing and screaming] HE TOOK MY MONEY, MAN! HE TOOK MY F***ING MONEY! [Tracey gives the woman some money, then a pause] You... [takes Tracey, kisses her head and hugs her] Thank you. Thank you! I love you, thank you.

Tracey Berkowitz:
Billy Zero is not exactly famous. But he's a star to me, all right? He is the most gorgeous boy I have ever seen. On any music video, anywhere. In the whole world. And he did not pick just any girl. He picked me.

Tracey Berkowitz:
He said it, like, a million trillion times. And he bought me presents. Like this necklace, you know? It's, like, made of titanium, and a million karats or something. It was really expensive. [looks down at her neck to see that there is no necklace; looks up, devastated] It must have gotten lost. [looks down, then back up, suddenly angry] Why would I lie? Huh? Why would I lie?

Tracey Berkowitz:
I am so happy. I have an amazing life. Now I'm gonna scratch my eyes out. [suddenly angry] What, you think I'm funny? I'm an emergency. It's not my fault, all right? It's not. My DNA is f***ed, okay? You can ask Dr. Heker. She's my psychiatrist. I don't know, I heard her say the problem's, like, congential or something? I don't know, I think she was on the phone. [goes back to mock happy] I'd also like to thank my parents. And God. And my boyfriend. Especially my boyfriend. When we were together everything was so friggin' clear that you could hear a glass tinging a fork in Mozambique. Now my head could explode, and I wouldn't even notice.

Tracey Berkowitz:
And you know what? No one can do anything about this. They can't. Because I ain't gonna talk to them about any of it. I mean, I'm not going to go back to those freaking retards.

Tracey Berkowitz:
I have this condition. It makes me want to kill and f*** all the time. But lucky for us it's intermission.

Tracey Berkowitz:
You know, that really isn't my fault. I absolutely one hundred percent had to run away. Because my parents are like a couple of Helen Kellers. All they do is feel.

Tracey Berkowitz:
You know, it really sucks out loud when people don't trust you.

Tracey Berkowitz:
You know, ever since I got on this bus, no one will sit near me. No one will even talk to me. And they all breathe through their friggin' gross mouths because, like "Oh, I smell like a friggin' sewer crocodile" or something. But that really isn't my fault, okay? Because I came from a hole. Like if you met my mom, you would never believe that's where I came from.

Tracey Berkowitz:
[trying to leave in a hurry] I just don't like owing anybody anything, okay?

Lance:
Alright, look. You don't owe anybody anything but there's going to be a blizzard out there, alright? The weather channel says that exposed skin can be frostbitten in three minutes. And that snow has this effect on people. It's hypnotic. It's the white. Too much whiteness, okay? People fall asleep in the snow. Nobody finds them until the spring and they're f***ing dead. Don't you watch the weather channel? People are dying out there.

Tracey Berkowitz:
[beginning to cry] I gotta find my brother.

Lance:
Look at that. Look at this crow. F***ing hell, look at the crow.

Tracey Berkowitz:
It kind of looks sad.

Lance:
How does this crow look sad?

Tracey Berkowitz:
I don't know, it's just like, you know, it's not peeping or anything.

Lance:
Oh boohoo. Stupid crow doesn't have the f***ing brains to fly south. I'm going to get him. Let's bring him in.

Tracey Berkowitz:
[suddenly frustrated] F***, no! Don't touch it! Now it's not going to be able to go back to its natural habitat!

Lance:
Oh, sure it will.

Tracey Berkowitz:
No, it won't! Everybody knows that! You put a f***ing human smell on it, it's going to be a freak and the other crows are going to kill it!

Lance:
He's fine! Aren't you, big fella? See, he was just lonely out there. I like crow. Chicken of the tree.

Tracey Berkowitz:
Don't say that. Crows are like people.

Lance:
They're not like people. They have a very different psyche, as a matter of fact. They have a crow consciousness.

Tracey Berkowitz:
Do you live in a condominium?

Dr. Heker:
I live in a house.

Tracey Berkowitz:
How many people live in your house? You know because I was thinking, maybe I could rent a room. You know, and when they find Sonny, we can come live with you.

Dr. Heker:
Tracey, you can't come home with me.

Tracey Berkowitz:
[her face falling] Why not?

Dr. Heker:
Well, for one thing there are rules.

Tracey Berkowitz:
I'm not going to tell on anybody.

Dr. Heker:
Why don't you go home? Go home. Talk to your family. Contrary to what you believe, your feelings will be beneficial to your parents. They need to know what you're feeling.

Tracey Berkowitz:
[undertone] F*** that.

Dr. Heker:
What did you say?

Tracey Berkowitz:
Nothing. [increasingly desperate] I'm just really worried that I'm going insane.

Dr. Heker:
Well, if you're worried, go to the hospital.

Tracey Berkowitz:
Where they put the nutbars?

Dr. Heker:
What was that?

Tracey Berkowitz:
Nothing. Nothing. That was... just kidding. You know, just joking.

Dr. Heker:
It's okay to express your anger.

Tracey Berkowitz:
[looks up, suddenly furious] What do you know about anger, you c*nt? You f***ing stupid robot c*nt! [suddenly remorsefully frantic] Oh my God, I'm so sorry. No I'm really really really really really sorry. Look, I can't leave until I know right now that you're not going to send me to somebody else.

Dr. Heker:
That was never my intention.

Tracey Berkowitz:
[suddenly accusing] You're a liar. You are a liar, and why would I want to see a psychiatrist who's a big fat liar anyway?

Tracey Berkowitz:
They never should have grounded me. Now I have nothing.

Tracey Berkowitz:
You know, I got this theory. It's called The Really Big Re-Invention Theory, and it goes like this. If you become somebody that's totally beat, you know, somebody that's just f***ed up, you will become unrecognizable to your parents and your loved ones.