Total Recall

Douglas Quaid:
If I am not me, den who da hell am I?

Douglas Quaid:
I'll be back!

Lori:
Doug. You wouldn't shoot me, would you sweetheart? Sweetheart, after all, we're married!

Douglas Quaid:
Consider that a divorce.

Benny:
Ever f***ed a mutant?

Douglas Quaid:
Now get your ass to Mars.

Melina:
It's been a while Hauser. Still bulging I see.

Melina:
What have you been feeding this thing?

Douglas Quaid:
Blondes.

Melina:
I think it's still hungry.

Lori:
No wonder you're having nightmares, you're always watching the news.

Melina:
Kuato's gonna make you remember some things when you were Hauser.

Douglas Quaid:
Like what?

Melina:
All sorts of things, like maybe you'll remember that you loved me.

Douglas Quaid:
I don't need Kuato for that.

Melina:
Since when?

Kuato:
What do you want, Mr. Quaid?

Douglas Quaid:
The same as you, to remember.

Kuato:
But why?

Douglas Quaid:
To be myself again.

Kuato:
You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory.

Richter:
You have to make a decision, sir.

Vilos Cohaagen:
Kill him.

Richter:
It's about goddamn time.

Vilos Cohaagen:
Don't touch that! get away, get back!

Douglas Quaid:
What are you afraid of? Turn it on.

Vilos Cohaagen:
Impossible! Once the reaction starts, it'll spread to all the turbinium in the planet. Mars will go into global meltdown. That's why the aliens never turned it on.

Douglas Quaid:
And you expect me to believe you?

Vilos Cohaagen:
Who gives a sh*t what you believe? In thirty seconds you'll be dead, and I'll blow this place up and be home in time for corn flakes. I didn't want it to end this way, I wanted Hauser back, but nooo, you had to be Quaid.

Douglas Quaid:
I am Quaid.

Vilos Cohaagen:
You're nothing, you're nobody, you're a stupid dream. Well, all dreams come to an end.

Melina:
I can't believe it, it's like a dream. What's wrong?

Douglas Quaid:
I just had a terrible thought: what if this is a dream?

Melina:
Well then kiss me quick before you wake up.

Lori:
Sorry, Doug. Your whole life was just a dream.

Douglas Quaid:
See you at the party Richter!

Douglas Quaid:
Cohaagen, you got what you wanted; you must give those people air!

Douglas Quaid:
Where am I?

Johnnycab:
You're in a Johnnycab.

Douglas Quaid:
What am I doing here?

Johnnycab:
I'm sorry. Would you please rephrase the question?

Douglas Quaid:
How did I get in this taxi?

Johnnycab:
The door opened. You got in.

Johnnycab:
The fare is 18 credits please.

Douglas Quaid:
Sue me, d*ckhead.

Richter:
I want that motherf***er dead!

Helm:
I don't blame you, man. I wouldn't want a guy like Quaid porkin' my old lady.

Richter:
You saying she likes it?

Helm:
No, I'm sure she hated every minute of him.

Vilos Cohaagen:
Richter, do you know why I'm such a happy person?

Richter:
No, sir.

Vilos Cohaagen:
It's because I have the greatest job in the solar system. As long as the Trebinium keeps flowing, I can do anything I want. ANYTHING. And I fear that if the rebels win, it all might end. AND YOU'RE F***ING MAKING IT HAPPEN!

Vilos Cohaagen:
Kuato wants what's in Quaid's head, and he may be able to get it because they say he's psychic. Do you think you could play along?

Richter:
Yes, sir!

Vilos Cohaagen:
Good, 'coz if you don't I'll erase your ass.

Lori:
Those a**holes at Rekall have f***ed up your mind. You're having paranoid delusions.

Douglas Quaid:
You call this a delusion?

Melina:
That was your wife?

Melina:
What a b*tch!

Vilos Cohaagen:
You see, Quaid, none of my people could get near Kuato. F***ing mutants could always sniff us out. That's when Hauser and I sat down and invented you: Douglas Quaid, the perfect mole.

Douglas Quaid:
You know you're lying. Hauser turned against you.

Vilos Cohaagen:
No, Quaid. That's exactly what we wanted you to think. The truth is Hauser volunteered to become Doug Quaid, to have all his memories erased. It was the only way to fool the psychics.

Douglas Quaid:
Get your story straight. That idiot over there, Richter, has been trying to kill me ever since I went to Rekall. You don't send your own men to kill a mole you're trying to plant.

Vilos Cohaagen:
That's because Richter wasn't in on it. You set him off by going to Rekall.

Douglas Quaid:
So, why am I still alive?

Vilos Cohaagen:
We gave you lots of help. Benny here with his driving skills and wits... that man on Earth with the suitcase containing the money, the mask, the messages from Hauser. All of that was set up by us.

Douglas Quaid:
Bullshit! I still don't buy it. It's too perfect.

Vilos Cohaagen:
Perfect my ass! You go to Rekall and pop your memory chip before we can activate you. Richter goes hog-wild and tries to kill you, bringing a lot of attention to us and ruining the plans I've spent a over year prepareing. To be perfectly honest, I'm amazed it worked!

Helm:
Look at that sh*t!

Helm:
Kill the bastard!

Douglas Quaid:
Excuse me, what's that?

Burly Miner:
You mean the Pyramid Mine? I used to work there, until they found all that alien sh*t inside.

Douglas Quaid:
Well it's a rumor isn't it?

Burly Miner:
Ha, think so?

Benny:
Hey man, I've got five kids to feed!

Douglas Quaid:
Then take them to the dentist.

Vilos Cohaagen:
Well my boy, you're a hero!

Douglas Quaid:
F*** you.

Vilos Cohaagen:
Now, now, don't be modest.

Melina:
How could you? You're a mutant.

Benny:
I've got four kids to feed.

Douglas Quaid:
So what happened to number five?

Benny:
Sh*t, man! You got me. I ain't even married. Now put your f***in' hands in the air!

Harry:
Hey Quaid, how was your trip to Mars?

Douglas Quaid:
What trip?

Harry:
You went on a trip to Mars, remember?

Douglas Quaid:
I did?

Harry:
Yeah you did. I told you not to but you went anyway.

Douglas Quaid:
Ever heard of Rekall? They sell those fake memories.

Harry:
Oh, "Rekall, Rekall, Rekall". Why? You thinking of going?

Douglas Quaid:
I don't know, maybe.

Harry:
Well don't. A friend of mine tried one their "special offers", nearly got himself lobotamised.

Douglas Quaid:
No sh*t?

Harry:
Don't f*** with your brain, pal. It ain't worth it.

Douglas Quaid:
I guess not.

Kuato:
Quaid, Quaid.

Benny:
Forget it man, his fortune telling days are over.

Kuato:
Start the reactor, free mars...

Vilos Cohaagen:
What the f*** is going on down there?

Richter:
I'm trying to neutralize a traitor.

Vilos Cohaagen:
If I wanted him dead, you moron, I wouldn't have dumped him on Earth.

Richter:
We can't let him run around. He knows too much.

Richter:
That's now. In an hour, he could have total recall.

Vilos Cohaagen:
Listen to me, Richter, I want Quaid delivered alive for re-implantation. Have you got that? I want him back in place with Lori.

Douglas Quaid:
What the hell is going on? what the f*** did i do wrong? Tell me!

Harry:
You blabbed Quaid. You blabbed about Mars.

Douglas Quaid:
Are you crazy? I don't know anything about Mars.

Harry:
You should of listen to me Quaid. I was there to keep you out of trouble.

Douglas Quaid:
Harry, you're making a big mistake. You got me mixed up with somebody else.

Harry:
Uh Uh pal, you got yourself mixed up with

Benny:
Hey man, you need a cab?

Douglas Quaid:
what's wrong with this one?

Benny:
He ain't got five kids to feed.

Douglas Quaid:
Where's yours?

Benny:
Right over there man.

Punk cabbie:
Hey man, that's my fare. Hey, a**hole, that's my fare.

Benny:
Eat this!

Benny:
I'm gonna drill you sucker!

Tony:
You got a lot of nerve showing your face around here, Hauser.

Douglas Quaid:
Look who's talking.

[While preparing to depart for Mars, Douglas Quaid opens a briefcase with a video of Carl Hauser and plays it]

Hauser:
Howdy, stranger. This is Hauser. If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself and you've got a wet towel wrapped around your head. Whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise: You are not you, you're me.

Quaid:
No sh*t.

Hauser:
All my life I've worked for Mars intelligence. I did Cohaagen's dirty work. But a few weeks ago I met somebody—a woman—and I learned a few things like playing for the wrong team. All I can do now is try to make up for it. See, there's enough sh*t in here [points at his own brain] to f*** Cohaagen good. Now unfortunately, if you're listening to this, that means that he has got to me first. And here comes the hard part, old buddy. Now it is all up to you.

Quaid:
Great.

Hauser:
First, let's get rid of that bug in your head. Take this thing [shows a device] out of the case and stick it up your nose. Don't worry. It's self-guiding.

[Quaid does exactly what Hauser says]

Hauser:
Just shove real hard.

[Quaid takes a breath as the device clips into the inside of his nose]

Hauser:
When you hear the crunch, you're there.

[Quaid struggles to remove the bug inside his nose]

Hauser:
Just pull it out. Be careful. It's my head, too.

[Quaid struggles to remove the bug inside his nose as he screams in pain, which he succeeds]

[A shuttle has just docked at Mars. Tourists disembark and are vetted into a processing station, to include a woman in a frumpy dress. A member of Mars Customs looks over her passport]

Customs Agent:
How long do you plan to spend on Mars, M'aam?

Fat Lady:
Two weeks.

Customs Agent:
[stamps passport] Have you brought any fruits or vegetables onto the planet?

Fat Lady:
Two weeks.

Customs Agent:
Excuse me?

Fat Lady:
Two weeks..two weeks... [starts having a seizure, attracting the attention of everyone. Richter, who is on Mars, pays attention to this odd sight]

Richter:
[low voice] Quaid. [normal] that's Quaid!

Security Officer:
What?

Richter:
The woman. Get him... her!

Security Officer:
Arrest that woman!

Quaid:
Catch!

Quaid removes fat lady's head then throws it at security officer

Fat Lady:
Get ready for a big surprise!

Head explodes

[Richter visits Martian Administrator Vilos Cohaagen]

Richter:
[sees stoic face] You wanted to see me, sir?

Vilos Cohaagen:
Richter, do you know why I'm such a happy person?

Richter:
No, sir.

Cohaagen:
Because I have one of the greatest jobs in the solar system. As long as the terbinium keeps flowing, I can do anything I want. Anything! [rises from his desk and approaches Richter] In fact, the only thing I worry about is, one day, if the rebels win, it all might end. [points finger in Richter's face] And you're f***ing MAKING IT HAPPEN! First, you tried to kill Quaid and then you let him get away.

Richter:
He had help from our side, sir.

Cohaagen:
I know that.

Richter:
But, I thought -

Cohaagen:
Who told you to THINK? I don't give you enough information to THINK! You do as you're told, THAT'S WHAT YOU DO!

[Benny drops off Quaid at Venusville]

Mutant Man:
Do you want to know your future?

Quaid:
What about my past?

Benny:
Hey! [takes Quaid away from him]

Mutant Woman:
[sees Quaid looking at her as he and Benny pass by] Read your mind, your palm, your aura?

Mutant Little Girl:
I bet I can tell your birthday...You are a Taurus?

Quaid:
How did you guess?

[Dr. Edgemar's trying to explain Quaid's situation and offers a special pill]

Douglas Quaid:
All right, let's say you're telling the truth and this is all a dream, then I could pull this trigger [points gun at Edgemar] and it won't matter.

Lori:
Doug, don't do it.

Dr. Edgemar:
It won't make the slightest difference to me Doug. The consequences to you will be devastating. In your mind, I'll be dead, and with no one to guide you out, you'll be stuck in permanent psychosis.

Lori:
Doug, let Dr Edgemar help you.

Dr. Edgemar:
The walls of reality will come crashing down. One minute, you'll be the savior of the rebel cause; next thing you know, you'll be Cohaagen's bosom buddy. You even have fantasies about alien civilizations as you requested; but in the end, back on Earth, you'll be lobotomized! [tries to let it sink in Quaid] So get a grip on yourself, Doug, and put down that gun!

[Lori is about to kill Melina but Quaid shoots her dagger off her hand]

Lori:
Doug, honey... you wouldn't hurt me, would you, sweetheart? Sweetheart, be reasonable. After all, we're married!

Douglas Quaid:
[Lori goes for her gun, Quaid shoots her in the head, killing her] Consider that a divorce!

Melina:
That was your wife? [Quaid nods; Melina gets up] What a b*tch!

[Benny has shot Kuato after the security forces storm the Resistance hideout]

Kuato:
Quaid, Quaid...

Benny:
Forget it, man, his fortune-telling days are over.

Kuato:
Start the reactor...free Mars-[Richter finishes off Kuato with a headshot]

Richter:
[pause; calmly, to Quaid] Mr Cohaagen would like to talk to you.

[Quaid leaves Johnny Cab after delivering a briefcase]

Johnny Cab:
The fare is 18 credits, please.

Douglas Quaid:
Sue me, d*ckhead.

[Johnny Cab starts to malfunction as the taxi van drives autonomously in an attempt to run over Quaid, only to end up hitting a wall where it explodes]

Johnny Cab:
We hope you enjoy the ride. Haha...

[Johnny Cab self-destructs along with the van]

[Quaid watches himself on a video]

Hauser:
Howdy, stranger! This is Hauser. If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself and you don't have a wet towel around your head. Now, whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise. You are not you, you're me.

Quaid:
[to himself] No sh*t.

Hauser:
All my life, I worked for Mars Intelligence, I did Cohaagen's dirty work. But then I met someone, a woman. She taught me a few things, like I was playing for the wrong team. All I can do now is make up for it. You see... [Points to his head] ...there's enough sh*t in here to f*** Cohaagen good. But if you're hearing this, it means is that he's got to me first. Now, here comes the hard part, old buddy. Now it is all up to you.

Quaid:
[displeased] Great...

Hauser:
Now, let's start by getting that bug out of your head. [shows the nose device] Take this out of the case, and stick it up your nose. Don't worry, it's self-guiding. Just shove real hard.

[Quaid takes a deep breath, and sticks the device up his nose]

Hauser:
When you hear a crunch, you're there. Now, pull it out. Be careful! That's my head, too.

[Quaid screams in pain while Hauser grins, then Quaid pulls out the bug]

Hauser:
This is the plan. Get your ass to Mars, and go to the Hilton Hotel and flash the fake Brubaker I.D. at the front desk, that's all there is to it. Just do as I tell you. You can nail that son of a b*tch that f***ed you and me. I'm counting on you, old buddy. Don't let me down!

Cohaagen:
[Quaid is strapped into a memory machine and it is about to turn him back into Hauser] Relax, Quaid. You'll like being Hauser.

Quaid:
The guy's a f***ing a**hole!

Cohaagen:
Not true! He's one of my best friends. Besides, he's got a big house and a Mercedes and... you like Melina, right? Well, you get to f*** her every night. That's right, she's going to be Hauser's babe.

Melina:
[also strapped into a memory machine] I'll bust his balls!

Cohaagen:
Uh-uh, Princess. We're having you fixed. You're gonna be respectful, compliant, and appreciative... the way a woman should be.

[she spits in his face]

Quaid:
Come on, Cohaagen! You got what you want. Give those people air!

Cohaagen:
My friend, in five minutes, you won't give a sh*t about the people. Fire it up, Doc!

Richter:
Excuse me, Doctor, is he gonna remember any of this?

Doctor:
Not a thing.

Richter:
Oh, really?

[Richter punches Quaid in his face. Quaid angrily glares back at Richter]

Cohaagen:
Oh, Quaid, I'm having a party tonight. Why don't you and Melina drop by? Remind him, Doc?

Doctor:
Sure.

Richter:
See you at the party.

Douglas Quaid:
[chances upon another pair of guards after fooling Richter and company with the hologram-bracelet] Ha ha ha, you think this is the real Quaid? [guards look behind them] It is! [Quaid shoots the guards]

Carl Hauser:
[on video] Howdy, Quaid. If you're watching this, that means that Kuato is dead, and you led us to him. I knew that you wouldn't let me down. Sorry for all of the sh*t I've put you through, but hey, what are friends are for? All I want to do is wish you happiness and good living, old buddy, but unfortunately, that's not gonna happen. You see, that's "my" body you have there, and I want it back. Sorry for being an Indian giver, but I was here first. So, adios, amigo! [the screen zooms out to reveal Cohaagen, who puts his hand on Hauser's shoulder] And thanks for not getting yourself killed. Hey, maybe now we will meet in our dreams. You never know.