Trail of the Pink Panther

[to Dreyfus who comes in after Clouseau sets his office on fire]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
Ah, hello! Nice weather we are having...

Deputy Comissioner Lasorde:
Read this most carefully and give me your opinion.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
I will read my opinion and give you yours most carefully.

[In disguise]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
I am Andr? Botot, mustard salesman from Dijon.

Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus:
How many men did the President ask for?

Deputy Comissioner Lasorde:
Only one. Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus:
The thought of a world without Clouseau fills me with delight.

Deputy Comissioner Lasorde:
Do you have a light?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
Yes, in the top left hand drawer. [the drawer is on fire]

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
[singing] I'm dancing in the rice, just dancing in the rice, what a wonderful feeling. I'm... I'm happy in the rice, Always happy... oh, allow me. [his pants get stuck in the door and tear]

Section Director Alec Drummond:
Well, it's about Inspector Clouseau. MI5 called and reported that Libyan agents heard a rumor that there might be an assassination attempt against Clouseau.

Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus:
Really? Who else wants to kill him? I mean, who is behind it?

Hotel Clerk:
[Clouseau rings the bell for service] Yes?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
Do you have for me the 'massage'?

Hotel Clerk:
Oh. You want a massage, ey?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
If you have one for me, yes.

Hotel Clerk:
Here. Why don't you try Tokyo Lil at the end of the block. Ask for Passionflower Shirley, the Yokohama Butterfly.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
And why should I do that?

Hotel Clerk:
Well, you want a massage, don't you?

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
Yes, but I want it from you.

Hotel Clerk:
Sir, I don't give massages.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
But you gave me one early this morning.

Hotel Clerk:
Sir, you're mistaken.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
Look! Don't you try the tricks anglais with me, Monsieur. I receieved a 'massage' this morning from Inspector Quinlan of the Yard of Scotland.

Hotel Clerk:
The massage!

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
And it was you that gave it to me.

Hotel Clerk:
Message.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
What?

Hotel Clerk:
You mean message.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
Look, I know what I mean, you lunatic. Now do you, or do you not have for me, the 'massage'?

Hotel Clerk:
No, Sir. For you, there is no massage.

Marie Jouvet:
So you think determination was the key to his success?

Sir Charles Litton:
No question about it. He was a fool, but he epitomized the eleventh commandment.

Marie Jouvet:
The eleventh commandment?

Sir Charles Litton:
"Thou shalt not give up".

Marie Jouvet:
Ha-ha... I like that.

Sir Charles Litton:
Ha-ha... I thought you might.

Marie Jouvet:
Do you think he's dead?

Lady Simone Litton:
I hope not.

Marie Jouvet:
What do you think, Sir. Charles?

Sir Charles Litton:
No. Men like Clouseau never die. They're indestructible. And that's the way it should be.

Marie Jouvet:
Why?

Sir Charles Litton:
Well, we need them. They help us preserve our sense of humor. And they're living proof that, however bad things get, if you persevere you survive, and sometimes even win.

Marie Jouvet:
Ah, you've just passed the hotel.

Taxi Driver:
Yes, ma'am.

Marie Jouvet:
But that's where I wanted to go.

Taxi Driver:
You see that car following us?

Marie Jouvet:
Oh, what about it?

Taxi Driver:
Well, the two men in that car suggested I drop you off at another address.

Marie Jouvet:
What are you talking about?

Taxi Driver:
Actually it was more like a threat than a suggestion.

Marie Jouvet:
They threatened you?

Taxi Driver:
Well, one of them showed me his brand new gun.

Marie Jouvet:
But who are they?

Taxi Driver:
Look, I know you'll think I'm not on the ball, but I neglected to get their names.

Marie Jouvet:
You realise this is kidnapping?

Taxi Driver:
Yeah. Well, I have to be honest with you. I couldn't come up with an alternative.

Marie Jouvet:
You can go to prison for life for kidnapping.

Taxi Driver:
Lady, the gun he showed me was a .38 Magnum.

Marie Jouvet:
I don't know anything about guns.

Taxi Driver:
Well, that gun makes enormous holes in things. I had a choice of kidnapping you, and getting shot with that gun. And to be perfectly frank, I would look terrible and feel worse with an enormous hole in me.

Marie Jouvet:
Now, tell me why you want me to lay off Clouseau?

Bruno Langois:
'Cause I prefer things the way they are. Clouseau created a lot of problems. A smart lady like you could even find out he's still alive.

Marie Jouvet:
Or dead. I might even find out that someone killed him.

Bruno Langois:
You've got a beautiful face. Why do you want to stick it in where it doesn't belong?

Marie Jouvet:
Because it's my job.

Bruno Langois:
What good's your job, if you've gotta do your TV show from a hospital bed?

Marie Jouvet:
So far, the incident hasn't even been investigated. And if Bruno Langlois is in the mood to deny the allegation, I will be happy to repeat it on the witness stand.

Marie Jouvet:
[on TV] It's intriguing, but the more I find out about Clouseau, the more certain interested parties would prefer that I to drop my investigation. So far, I haven't turned up anything incriminating, but obviously I am rocking the boat, and people are getting nervous. One thing's sure. I intend to keep on rocking until I have answer for you. Good night.

Marie Jouvet:
[entering Clouseaus' house] Avon calling.

Cato Fong:
[answering machine message] Inspector Clouseau's residence. Cato speaking. I've gone to Miami Beach to spend Chinese New Year with my maternal grandmother. Leave a message after the bleep.

Marie Jouvet:
Could you tell me something about your son?

Clouseau's Father:
No. After four o'clock, I can't tell you anything about my son.

Marie Jouvet:
Why not after four o'clock?

Clouseau's Father:
Because, after tasting the wine all day, after four o'clock I can't remember my son - let alone tell you anything about him. It is a miracle that I remember it is after four o'clock.

Marie Jouvet:
And so, after leaving that delightful old man, who is so firmly convinced that his famous son is still alive, I began to wonder: 'is it possible'? Mafia boss Bruno Longlois seems to think is it. Sir Charles Litton feels such men are indispensable and therefore indestructible. And Chief Inspector Dreyfuss is so obsessed with the possibility that he's on the verge of another nervous breakdown. Did Inspector Clouseau really perish in the sea, as reported? Or for reasons as yet unknown, is he out there somewhere, plotting his next move, waiting to reveal himself when the time is right? I am reluctant to believe that misfortune has really struck down such a great man.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
Swine seagull.

Prof. Auguste Balls:
[putting a fake nose on Clouseau] What do you think of that? Yes. I call this one, 'The Way We Were'. Do you like it? It's from our Streisand line.

Sergeant Francois Duval:
Clouseau was trying to fix the lighter. He is sure that someone planted a bomb in the car.

Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus:
Yes. Someone should have... I mean, could have done that.

Marie Jouvet:
I don't know why, but I have the distinct impression that I was expected.

Hercule Lajoy:
Clouseau has disappeared. You're a reporter? Elementary.

Marie Jouvet:
Spoken like a true policeman.

Hercule Lajoy:
A retired policeman.

Bruno Langois:
Clouseau disappears. Business gets better.

Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus:
Miss Jouvet, may I suggest that you go home and forget all about this.

Sergeant Francois Duval:
Excuse me.

Marie Jouvet:
I shall tell you exactly where I am going to go - directly to me office, where I shall write my next broadcast about the Mafia boss who kidnapped me, and about the chief inspector of the surute who refused to do anything about it.

Chief Insp. Charles Dreyfus:
In my opinion, that would be most unwise.

Marie Jouvet:
What it boils down to, Inspector, is, I don't trust your opinion.

Insp. Jacques Clouseau:
Now then, what was that you're saying?