Two-Bit Waltz

[first lines]

The Therapist:
And why is it that you're here?

Maude:
I saw a sign today that said, "Randy's donuts, tastiest donuts you've ever endured."

The Therapist:
And why is it that you're here?

Maude:
I want to die.

The Therapist:
Recently, how have you been occupying your time?

Maude:
I haven't been.

Teacher:
What do you mean, "you didn't take anything away from The Diary of Ann Frank?"

Maude:
What, like she's not making it all up?

Maude:
I had self respect once, but I put it in the ironing cupboard and it never seemed to turn up again.

Bernie:
Love you, sis.

Maude:
Love you too, other sis.

Max:
I never got to properly... well, thank you for having sex with me all this time.

Maude:
Sir, it was a pleasure.

Max:
It meant a lot having sex with you.

Maude:
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

Maude:
Everyone's problems are interesting themselves, just not so much to other people. That's why all therapists want to kill themselves.

The Therapist:
I don't seem to be there yet.

Maude:
In time you will learn.

Maude:
Unpleasant circumstances are often the orb from which the idea may brew.

The Therapist:
I think you're thinking of a crock pot.

Anita:
Just tell him what you intend.

Maude:
I don't intend anything. I looked at all the brochures, I don't like anything.

Anita:
But that's ridiculous darling. You have hobbies. Just tell him your hobbies, for Christ sake.

Maude:
Death.

Anita:
She's kidding. Darling, what are you interests.

Maude:
Suicide.

Anita:
Since when?

Maude:
Don't know. Just now I guess.

Maude:
[sitting on the street drinking] Oh Lord who art in heaven, Lord be thine name. Thy kingdom come, thy weary dumb, um... Where is my house?

Anita:
You're very talented, you know. I always knew it. And very determined. So unlike your father and me. And do you know I think that you're the strangest one in our family.

Maude:
I'm sorry.

Anita:
You don't have to be sorry.

Maude:
No, I am mom. I think I made the very ordinary decision of being an ungrateful teenager.

Anita:
Well, we've all done it, darling. And I was being a little bit of a C-word, at any rate.

Maude:
I was, too.

Anita:
Yes you were, too. And so were you.

[last lines]

The Baby Elephant:
You've done it.

Maude:
I've done it.

The Baby Elephant:
Well done.

Maude:
Thank you.

The Baby Elephant:
You're going to be the best writer.

Maude:
I know.

The Baby Elephant:
I know. Shall I lead the way.

Maude:
Please do...