Undercover Brother

Undercover Brother:
You mess with the 'fro, you got to go.

Undercover Brother:
Solid!

Lance:
They shouldn't have called me a sissy.

Lance:
This isn't Taco Bell! Oh, man...

Mr. Feather:
Who's there?

Undercover Brother:
Kung.

Mr. Feather:
Kung who?

Undercover Brother:
Kung Fu!

General Boutwell:
Move over Colonel, here comes the General!

The Chief:
Today is a great day for black people of all races.

Conspiracy Brother:
George Washington Carver made the first computer! Out of a peanut! A PEA-NUT!

Undercover Brother:
Wait a minute, how'd the white boy get a job at "the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D."?

The Chief:
Sh*t, what can I say? Affirmative action.

Lance:
I *feel* Black.

Conspiracy Brother:
But you *look* white... don't touch me!

Undercover Brother:
Hi.

Conspiracy Brother:
"Hi"? What you mean "hi"? Like "high yellow wanna be white"? "High" like the *white man* wants to keep us? Wait, you don't smell any weed on me, do you?

Undercover Brother:
Brother, when you get a minute, could I get a list of the words that trigger these fits?

Undercover Brother:
Honey, is that Michael Bolton's version of "The Thong Song"?

Undercover Brother:
Are you telling me there really is a Man'?

Conspiracy Brother:
What do you think? Things don't just happen by accident! Sometimes people - mostly *white* people - make things happen!

Undercover Brother:
So the conspiracies we've believed for all these years are true? The NBA really did institute the three point shot to give white boys a chance?

Conspiracy Brother:
Of course!

Undercover Brother:
Then the entertainment industry really *is* out to get Spike Lee?

Conspiracy Brother:
Come on man! Even Cher's won an Oscar! Cher!

Undercover Brother:
Then O.J. really didn't do it?

Undercover Brother:
What it is, chief?

The Chief:
What the hell you doing bringing a white girl up in my house, boy?

Penelope Snow:
Once you've been with Undercover Brother, there is no other.

Mr. Feather:
Hey! Don't go dissing me!

General Boutwell:
I used to work at the Pentagon, but now I help get your chicken on.

Sistah Girl:
Great, a Soul Train reject, with a Robin Hood complex.

The Chief:
I'm tired of you disrespecting me! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire your black-ass?

Undercover Brother:
Because I... don't... work for you?

The Chief:
SHUT UP! Save the smart comments for the chunky brother in the smock!

Conspiracy Brother:
No, it's once your black there's no turning back.

Conspiracy Brother:
Jesus Christ: black man. Babe Ruth: black man. Madonna:... slept with black men.

Conspiracy Brother:
Oh my God! It's Macy Gray with Porkchop Sideburns.

Conspiracy Brother:
Smart brother? Am I gonna die?

Conspiracy Brother:
The computer, another idea stolen from the black man.

Undercover Brother:
You know what they say, behind every great black man...

Conspiracy Brother:
is the police.

Undercover Brother:
No.

Smart Brother:
A bunch of slow white athletes?

Undercover Brother:
No!

White She-Devil:
A cute butt.

Undercover Brother:
NO!

Lance:
Probable cause.

Conspiracy Brother:
I'm with Island Fortress Cleaning Service sir.

Sistah Girl:
Thank you. Your so sweet.

Mr. Feather:
It's time to unleash our secret weapon; I call it "Black-man's Kryptonite"

Lance:
So let me get this straight; whenever a black guy does well, starts wearing Dockers, buys a few Celine Dion records, and sleeps with a White chick, you automatically say he's sold out?

The Chief:
That's enough, Lance!

Lance:
Always trying to shut the white man down.

Conspiracy Brother:
THAT'S RIGHT! That's Right!... Oh, ain't right.

Conspiracy Brother:
That's Right! It's goin' to the streets. Hey y'all! It's revolution up in this B*tch! Set the alarm for Defcon 5! It's on, baby... it's on!

The Chief:
Good work, White She-Devil. Oh, and you in too.

Conspiracy Brother:
What the F***? Chief! I've never seen this b*tch in my agent classes! I'm still paying the loans off, man! I sleep on a pissy mattress! I ain't got good food to eat! I borough money for my Weed! I quit! That's it. Y'all ain't got Conspiracy Brother Jones to kick around no more! Give me a pillow case... I'm joining the Klan!

Smart Brother:
If you're going to fit in to white America, you're gonna have to learn to like MAYONNAISE!

Lance:
It looks like the Source Awards in here...

Conspiracy Brother:
It does now!

Conspiracy Brother:
Atomic Core... let's see what this so-called button does... Oops! My bad!

The Man:
Congratulations, Mr. Feather.

Mr. Feather:
Thank you, Mister... The Man.

Mr. Feather:
You see what's happening, don't you? How we're being corrupted by their hipper-than-thou fashion and cool slang you can't help but use?

The Chief:
Jay-Z to cover Lawrence Welk's greatest hits? John Singleton to remake "Driving Miss Daisy"? Terry McMillan - "How Stella got her White Man Back"? Double damn it! Black people all over the world are losin' their damn minds!

Lance:
I have stood on the sidelines of race relations long enough! I want to march down that field of oppression and kick that ball of bigotry right over the goalpost of intolerance!

The Chief:
Son, you talk a lot of sh*t.

Lance:
Yes, I do.

The Chief:
But you down.

Mr. Feather:
Y'all gonna make me lose my mind up in here!

Undercover Brother:
There are times for falling apart, and there are times for getting' funky. This is one of them funky times. So what's it gonna be? You ready to play some funky music, white boy?

The Man:
That Feather went out like a sucka. Punk-assed b*tch played himself. Let's bounce, dog!

The Chief:
Didn't you cause about a ba-zillion dollars worth of damage? And I sure as hell ain't covering for ya; I don't care how sexy you look floating down in your little pants!

Sistah Girl:
What the hell?

The Chief:
What the hell?

Conspiracy Brother:
What the f...

Undercover Brother:
Damn it woman, will you just back off?

Announcer:
[over PA speaker] Attention, angry black man in khakis.

The Chief:
If I wanted to hear something stupid, I'd have asked his skinny black ass!

Conspiracy Brother:
HA! IN YOUR FACE! Ha-ha, skinny black... Hey!

[There is an unexpected knock at Mr Feather's office door.]

Mr. Feather:
Who's there?

Undercover Brother:
Kung.

Mr Feather:
Kung Who?

Undercover Brother:
Kung FU!!

The Chief:
Son, you talk a lot of sh*t.

Lance:
Yes, I do.

The Chief:
But you down.

Smart Brother:
[On General Warren Boutwell running for president] I wonder if he'll run as a Democrat or an Independent.

The Chief':
Never know. Might be a Republican.

Conspiracy Brother:
Please. What kind of self-respecting black man would run as a Republican? Name one thing the Republican party has done for black people. One!

Smart Brother:
Well, they were the party of Lincoln. They stood against the tyranny of oppression by leading the call for the Civil War and forced passage of the Emancipation Proclamation, which freed the slaves.

Conspiracy Brother:
All right, name two things lately.

The Chief':
Is that that damn Undercover Brother?!

Conspiracy Brother:
You in trouble.

The Chief':
Where the hell have you been?!

The Chief':
This is a job, not some kind of damn summer camp! And I'm tired of you disrespecting me! Give me one good reason why I shouldn't fire your sorry ass!

Undercover Brother:
Because I Don't work for you?

The Chief':
SHUT UP!

White She-devil:
Oh, Undercover Brother, you're too much man for me!

Undercover Brother:
Baby, sometimes I'm too much man for my own damn self.

White She-devil:
Once you've been with Undercover Brother, there is no other.

Conspiracy Brother:
No, it's once you go black, you don't go back.

Undercover Brother:
[as Anton Jackson] Where I come from, we like to pronounce our "e"'s and "r"'s.

Conspiracy Brother:
"E"'s and "r"'s, huh? I be thinking that somebody in this room is sellin' out!

Undercover Brother:
[as Anton Jackson] If I didn't have my lemon mango guava smoothie, I'd beat the bejabbers out of you and stick my foot up your patootie. Now if you'll excuse me, "Frasier" is on.

Sistah Girl:
Bejabbers?

Conspiracy Brother:
He said he would stick his foot up my so-called "patootie"!

Harvard Brother in Latin:

"Tu mihi magna voluptas est ad receperint."

Literal:
You me great pleasure is to welcome.

Translated:
"It gives me great pleasure to welcome you."

Undercover Brother:
Too funky for myself.

Undercover Brother:
Ja mon, rasta!

Undercover Brother:
Your body's slammin'. Let's get to jammin'.

Undercover Brother:
Who the hell are you, woman?! You're the Grim Reaper, ain'tcha?! I don't wanna go to hell!

Undercover Brother:
Holy Motown!

Undercover Brother:
Caucasian overload! Caucasian overlord!

Undercover Brother:
It's time to say goodbye to Anton Jackson... and say "what it is" to Undercover Brother.

Undercover Brother:
There's times for falling apart, and there's times for gettin' funky. This is one of those funky times!

Conspiracy Brother:
Let me tell you something about the word "good", brother. "Good" is an ancient Anglo-Saxon word "Go-od" meaning "absence of colour", i.e. "It's all Good" which it is, or "Good Will Hunting", meaning, "I'm hunting n*ggers". So when you say "Good Morning" to me, what you're really saying is "I'm going to kill your black ass first thing in the morning"!

Conspiracy Brother:
Hey, look out, black man, he's got a gun! (gunshot) I'm hit, but my vest caught it, b*tch!

Conspiracy Brother:
I never trusted that Colonel. Slaves cooked that chicken! Ain't no white man know about no sixteen herbs and spices and giblets!

Conspiracy Brother:
Oooh, right up the pooper!

Conspiracy Brother:
Gimme a pillow case. I'm joinin' the Klan!

White She-Devil:
You're so sweet. And cute, too, in a Theo Huxtable kind of way.

White She-Devil:
A girl needs friends, Anton. Would you like to be my friend?

White She-Devil:
They look at you and all they see is a threatening black man. They look at me and all they see are my full breasts and my narrow waist that tapers to my pert backside. It's just not fair.

Mr. Feather:
Little by little we're blending and merging until one day we're all going to be one united people, living and working and dancing together like the news, or Ally McBeal, or the people that work at Saturn! And we've gotta stop it before it's too late!

Mr. Feather:
Everything is "A party over here!" with you people, isn't it?

Lance:
Always trying to shut the white man down.

Lance:
I owe all of you a huge apology. I was watching this program... maybe you've seen it. It's called "Roots"?

Lance:
Let me talk to them. I'm white. [to guards] We don't want any trouble.

Lance:
I... am not... a SISSYYYYYYYYY!!