Vampires Suck

Becca Crane:
[from trailer] Jacob, run!

[Jacob jumps above Becca and lands in his chihuahua form]

Becca Crane:
[disbelievingly] A chihuahua?

Becca Crane:
[from trailer] Edward!

Team Edward:
Edward? Where? [sees Edward glittering in the sun] Edward, we love you. You're the best.

Team Jacob:
No, Jacob's the best! [smacks Team Edward's face with a shovel]

Becca Crane:
So are we going to be uh, at the same school?

Jacob:
I go to school at the reservation.

Becca Crane:
Oh, it must be fun to gamble and drink all day.

[Becca accidentally maces Buffy the Vampire Slayer]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
I was trying to help you, b*tch!

Edward Sullen:
Hearing you breathe is the greatest gift I've ever received. [Becca farts in Edward's face]

Alice:
Where did you go, silly rabbit?

Edward Sullen:
[aiming gun] I'm a killer.

Frank Crane:
[to Becca] I guess it's hard for me to accept that my little girl's growing up. I mean look at the size of those tits.

[Narrating]

[Becca and her Dad are driving into Sporks, they drive past a welcome sign to the town]

Becca Crane:
So, I came here to the town of Sporks, Washington. Population: 3120.

[a screaming woman comes running in front of the sign being chased by a vampire, the vampire grabs and bites her neck spraying blood everywhere]

Becca Crane:
Holy sh*t! Uh, make that 3119!

Becca Crane:
I used to live with my Mom. Now, she's always on the road because she started doing some pro golfer. [Pulls out a magazine with Tiger Woods on the front]

Edward Sullen:
[as his family is trying to kill Becca] Every time I bring a girl over, you try to eat her! It's not fair!

Chinese Food Delivery Guy:
Someone order Chinese food?

Edward Sullen:
[Throws him at his family as they proceed to eat him; to Becca] Let's go! They'll be hungry again in a half-an-hour!

Jennifer:
Hi. I'm Jennifer, future Prom Queen, I'm gonna pretend to be your BFF but if you touch Rick's wang [flicks open switch blade] - I'll cut you!

Becca Crane:
Stop it!

Daro:
[mocking Becca] Stop it.

Becca Crane:
You're killing him!

Daro:
[mocking Becca] You're killing him.

Becca Crane:
[quietly] And we haven't even had sex yet.

Daro:
[mocking Becca] And we haven't even had - Really?

[Becca accidentally maces Buffy the Vampire Slayer]

Buffy the Vampire Slayer:
I was trying to help you, b*tch!

Edward Sullen:
Hearing you breathe is the greatest gift I've ever received.

[Becca farts in Edward's face]

(After knocking Jack's head off which smashes into the back of Frank's back window.)

Frank:
Kardashians.

(Seeing that the sun is not out anymore)

Becca:
Edward it's not sunny anymore it's twilight. (Moon shifts into a New Moon)

Darren:
Hey, New Moon. (Shifts to Eclipse)

Daro:
Augh! Eclipse.