What's the Worst That Could Happen?

Detective Alex Tardio:
Come on boys, pull daddy like a chariot.

Berger:
This is straight out of a Hitchcock movie. I think I'm feeling vertigo.

Kevin Caffrey:
Hold your head up, 'cause you got that double-chin thing going on.

Max Fairbanks:
F*** you! F*** you! F*** you! F*** you!

Max Fairbanks:
Nobody talks to me that way! NOBODY!

Gloria:
I do!

Max Fairbanks:
That turns me on!

Kevin Caffrey:
Can I get a "ouch, that hurts"?

Kevin Caffrey:
I am full of de facto, habeas corpus, and Emancipation Proclamation. Most important, I have a very big pro bono.

Uncle Jack:
If he's cursing on TV, then, he's tight.

Tracey Kimberly:
Massaging you is like kneading dough. And as for the sex, let me be honest. It's like sleeping with a damp sheep!

Amber Bellhaven:
Very hip. Very cool. Very Vegas in the sixties.

Lutetia Fairbanks:
Max, you may be a butthole, but you're my butthole.

Max Fairbanks:
I robbed a thief! How can you not see the humor in that?

Gloria:
Tread a level course.

Max Fairbanks:
What did the Boston Times call me?

Gloria:
The Dark Prince of Plunder.

Judge:
Sell the house!

Max Fairbanks:
Up yours, you fat pig!

Edwina:
Why is it that every time Kevin's in trouble, we drop our things, but when I want help, you act like you're through a tunnel and can't hear me?

Windham:
Maybe because I *like* Kevin!

Max Fairbanks:
Total stranger. Très bizarre.

Lutetia Fairbanks:
Scandal and disease, Max.

Berger:
It kills me. The leave the light on trick.

Kevin Caffrey:
Why don't they just put a sign saying welcome burglers no one home?

Berger:
You ever read the papers?

Kevin Caffrey:
I used to, but the news kept changing.

Uncle Jack:
Now this is entertainment!