Yours, Mine and Ours

Jean North:
You mean he doesn't know about us?

HelenNorth:
Well of course he does darling!

Jean North:
All of us?

Colleen North:
Oh mother that's so romantic! You lied to him!

Helen North:
I did not lie to him! I just didn't have the nerve to tell him the whole truth!

Colleen North:
Mmm, I understand! No man wants a liaison with a woman with eight children!

Janette North:
What's a liaison?

Colleen North:
An affair.

Janette North:
That's what I thought.

Jean North:
Me too.

Phillip North:
I'm legal!

Family Doctor:
Call my wife, will you, and tell her I'm on my way home?

Family Doctor:
And tell her thank you.

Frank Beardsley:
For what?

Family Doctor:
We don't have any children.

HelenNorth:
Frank, there's something I have to tell you before we go any further. I have eight children.

HelenNorth:
Frank! We're on a cable car!

Frank Beardsley:
Of course.

HelenNorth:
I get sick on cable cars!

Frank Beardsley:
Well wait'll you hear what I have to tell you. I have TEN children.

HelenNorth:
Ten. TEN? Frank! Eight and ten is...

Frank Beardsley:
Ridiculous.

Frank:
[narrating] It was a typical wedding: enemies of the bride on the right, enemies of the groom on the left.

Mary:
I got there as fast as I could, Sister Mary. What is it this time?

Mary:
Why don't you ask Phillip?

Helen:
Phillip? [Phillip turns around, revealing a black eye] Darling! What happened?

Phillip:
Nothing.

Helen:
Who did that to you?

Phillip:
One of the kids. [points at Sister Mary] *She* started it. She says I'm not legal.

Helen:
What?

Phillip:
And Mike isn't my brother.

Helen:
Of course he's your brother.

Phillip:
Then my name's Phillip Beardsley.

Mary:
Phillip North.

Phillip:
There she goes again.

Mary:
Sister, couldn't you - couldn't you just call him Phillip Beardsley?

Mary:
I'm sorry, but the school requires that we use their legal names.

Phillip:
Let's go to another school.

Helen:
Sister, I, uh... I understand your legal problem, but you must try to understand mine. You see, I'm trying to bring two families together, and this is the first sign that I may be succeeding. So, I really would appreciate it if you'd let Phillip sign his name Beardsley.

Mary:
But legally, it's North.

Mary:
But it's more important that emotionally, it's Beardsley.

Mary:
North.

Helen:
Beardsley.

Mary:
North!

Helen:
Beardsley, Beardsley, Beardsley!

Phillip:
Watch out, Mom. You might get a black eye.