The Story of Us1999

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent:
You're writing a book about your grandmother?

Ben:
Yeah, she was an extraordinary woman.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent:
Oh, um, I'm sure she was. Did she f*** a president?

Ben:
No.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent:
No. Did she discover uranium?

Ben:
No.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent:
A cure for cancer?

Ben:
No.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent:
Nothing like that?

Ben:
No.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent:
Why, why would anybody wanna read a book about her?

Ben:
'Cause, Dave, she was four-foot-nine, she emigrated from Europe when she was a little girl, she worked in a sweatshop making buttonholes fourteen hours a day, and yet somehow managed to raise five kids and stay married to the same man for fifty-seven years. I'm telling you, Dave, this is gonna be the greatest love story ever told.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent:
Let me explain something to you, not as your agent, this is as a friend. C'mere.

[Dave leads Ben over to his office window]

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent:
C'mere. Alright, you see all these people out here, huh? You see they're getting into buildings, they're, they're driving in cars, they're crossing the street there, they're walking around. Every single one of these people is going to die someday, and they all know it, which is why they tend to regard the time that they have on this planet as precious. Now, there, there are a lot of things that take up a lot of that time, even if they don't enjoy it. They have to go to work, they have to get dressed, they have to wait in lines, they have to clean yards, they gotta get batteries, they have to, they have to visit the eye doctors, they're doing all these things. Now, add that to the time they spend sleeping, and eating, and, and, and, and washing up, and voting, and, and, and, and buying gifts for people they don't even like, and you can see why they're so choosy about how they spend whatever leisure time they do have. And you can understand why, unless she went down on somebody really interesting, why they're not going to waste their valuable time reading a book about your f***ing grandmother.

Ben:
So, if I'm reading you right, you don't like the idea.

Dave, Ben's Literary Agent:
It's not that.