American Beauty1999

Carolyn:
What are you doing?

Lester:
Nothing.

Carolyn:
You were masturbating!

Lester:
I was not.

Carolyn:
Yes you were!

Lester:
Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!

Carolyn:
That's disgusting!

Lester:
Well forgive me, but some of us still have blood pumping through our veins.

Carolyn:
So do I.

Lester:
Really?! Well, I'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it!

Carolyn:
Lester, I refuse to live like this! This is not a marriage!

Lester Burnham:
This hasn't been a marriage, for years, but you were happy as long as I kept my mouth shut. Well, guess what, I've changed! And the new me whacks off when he feels horny, because you're obviously not gonna help me out in that department!

Carolyn:
Oh, I see. You think you're the only one who's sexually frustrated here?

Lester:
I'm not? Well, then, come on, baby, I'm ready!

Carolyn:
Don't you mess with me, mister, or I'll divorce you so fast it'll make your head spin!

Lester:
On what grounds? I'm not a drunk, I don't f*** other women, I've never hit you, I don't mistreat you... I don't even try to touch you since you've made it so abundantly clear how unnecessary you consider me to be! But I did support you when you got your license, and some people might think that entitles me to half of what's yours. So, turn off the light when you come to bed!