Director: Kent Alterman
Stars: Will Ferrell, Woody Harrelson, Andre Benjamin, Maura Tierney, Will Arnett
Genre: Comedy, Sport
Rating: R (Restricted)
Runtime: 91 minutes

Semi-Pro is a 2008 sports comedy film directed by Kent Alterman and staring Will Ferrell, Andre Benjamin, Will Arnett, Woody Harrelson, Maura Tierney, Andrew Daly, and David Koechner. more »

Lou Redwood:
Oh my God...what the f*** is that, it's incredible! [about the fondue he just ate]

Jackie Moon:
It's called fondue.

Lou Redwood:

Jackie Moon:
Fondue. Three different cheeses, melted together. That's what you're tasting. Gorgonzola, Munster, and cottage.

Bobby Dee:
It's the latest thing from Sweden, apparently.

Dick Pepperfield:
Well, I'm not surprised; those Swedes are so inventive. [others makes noises of agreement]

Bobby Dee:
They are my favorite producers of pornography.

Jackie Moon:
They do make an excellent f*** picture!

Dick Pepperfield:
Well, I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation, right now.

Jackie Moon:
To the men's room.

Dick Pepperfield:
Oh, stop it.

Jackie Moon:
To make your wiener sing...boner machine. [others are laughing]

Dick Pepperfield:
I am not a boner machine!

Lou Redwood:
Swedish porn saved my life in 'Nam. [others groan] Hey, come on, you guys. Swedish porn was the only thing that kept my mind off Charlie while I was in the shit.

Bobby Dee:
Is the shit in Ann Arbor? Cause that's where you were during the war. [others laugh]

Cornelius Banks:
You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey. [laughter stops]

Lou Redwood:
[coldly] Did you just call me a jive turkey? [Cornelius shakes his head]

Jackie Moon:
No. No, he did not, he uh...he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?

Cornelius Banks:
Yeah, I just called you cocksucker!

Lou Redwood:
Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.

Dick Pepperfield:
No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.

Lou Redwood:
Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!

Jackie Moon:
Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?

Bobby Dee:
He just said you suck cock!

Dick Pepperfield:
That's all he said about you!

Jackie Moon:
Come on. Dig into that fondue...little cocksucker. [others laugh]

Lou Redwood:
We like playing games, don't we? [laughing]

Jackie Moon:
It's true, we're playing one right now.

Lou Redwood:
I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in f***in' 'Nam! [draws a gun and points it at Cornelius] Who's the jive turkey now? [bursts out laughing] Gun's not loaded! [all laugh]

Jackie Moon:
It's not loaded!

Lou Redwood:
You should've seen your goddamn faces! I never load it!

Cornelius Banks:
The gun was not loaded!

Jackie Moon:
I'll see you f***ers in hell. [puts gun to his head and pulls trigger; all laugh]

Bobby Dee:
Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard. [aims at Jackie and pulls trigger]

Cornelius Banks:
I did call you jive turkey. [aims gun at Lou, pulls trigger]

Dick Pepperfield:
[playfully, pointing gun at Lou] I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield! [pulls trigger] Rrragh!

Lou Redwood:
[laughing] We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true...especially that, more than the rest.

Jackie Moon:
Hey. Bond, James Bond. Eh? [rests gun on forearm]

Dick Pepperfield:
How do you like your martinis, sir?

Jackie Moon:
Stirred, in a half carafe. [aims gun at crotch and pulls trigger]

Cornelius Banks:
He shoots himself!

Jackie Moon:
He shoots himself in the wiener! [tosses gun down and it goes off suddenly]

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