M*A*S*H1972

Margaret:
Major Burns has decided to make out his will. Will you listen, Father?

Father Mulcahy:
Gracious, I didn't even know he was dying.

Margaret:
Oh, he isn't. No. Just a precautionary measure.

Father Mulcahy:
Oh. But he does have the fever and a person is supposed to be of sound mind.

Frank Burns:
Oh, it's okay, Father. I don't think my mind was any sounder when I was well.

Margaret:
Call if you need anything, Major.

Father Mulcahy:
Uh, are you sure you feel up to this, Frank?

Frank Burns:
The only thing I really feel up to is dying.

Father Mulcahy:
I see. Well, uh, if you're ready.

Frank Burns:
My car, my house, all the money I buried in my backyard, goes to the only woman who ever really cared, ever really understood - my wife, Louise. She'll have to thaw out the map, it's inside some ground chuck in the basement freezer. My savings account passbook number is in the same bottle as my appendix.

Father Mulcahy:
Appendix. Hmm. A-Anything else?

Frank Burns:
For my children, all profits from my prescription kickbacks.

Father Mulcahy:
Oh, dear.

Frank Burns:
These are recorded in my red ledger, not the blue one that I show to the government. And finally, to Major Margaret Houlihan, my friend, my comrade, my little soldier, I leave all my clothes.