The Thick of It2005

Malcolm Tucker:
Here's the f***ing thing. Nobody talks about f***ing dodgy donors, okay? Because it makes everybody look bad.

Stewart Pearson:
Okay, I'll go with a different angle, then. How do you think it would land with your female voters if they were to find out that Tom Rudd forced his secretary into having an abortion?

Malcolm Tucker:
That was her own personal choice and, by the way, it wasn't his.

Stewart Pearson:
Wow! So him paying for that private clinic, then, was just because he's such a nice man?

Malcolm Tucker:
He is a nice man. What about your nice man at central planning, eh? The one who got a bit carried away and f***ing slapped his kids about a little bit too much? F***ing broke the skin! But he wasn't such a nice man, was he? But I suppose that's just part of your common sense checklist, yeah. All they need is a good slap, and do please remember to leave your f***ing rings on!

Stewart Pearson:
You go check your facts, Malcolm, that was a domestic accident and nothing more.

Malcolm Tucker:
Domestic accident, yeah, 'cause he's got f***ing hands the size of f***ing doors!

Stewart Pearson:
Oh, you want to talk about hardmen, Malcolm, yeah? Now, I know you've got to be hard to be a chief whip, but really, coke dealing at university? Hey, am I right in thinking he's now godfather to one of the PM's kids, yeah?

Malcolm Tucker:
Listen, you know what I have got at the back of my f***ing filing cabinet? I have got a f***ing photograph that I've been waiting for a f***ing rainy day to show everyone, which is a photograph of your f***ing shadow chancellor at one of his f***ing parties dressed up in f***ing bra, suspenders and f***ing blackface! What's his defence going to be, hey, when I email that to the f***ing "Sun"? [mockingly] "Oh, well, I am just de shadow chancellor."

Stewart Pearson:
Malcolm, he won't have a defence because you haven't got that picture because that didn't happen.

Malcolm Tucker:
I have!

Stewart Pearson:
However, I do have a statement from a rent boy...

Malcolm Tucker:
Oh, that's very useful for you. You can claim that against your expenses, can't you?

Stewart Pearson:
Oh, yeah, funny, very funny.

Malcolm Tucker:
And you'll get that for free. Is that one of the f***ing perks of the job?

Stewart Pearson:
No, listen, his statement says he will swear that one of your prominent back-bench MPs paid him to sh*t on his chest.

Malcolm Tucker:
Don't!

Stewart Pearson:
Right, look, this is out of order, okay? Here's the deal. We both, both make statements saying that our guys in there, they were not in possession of all the facts. Hmm? But we're looking into it.

Malcolm Tucker:
You'd do that? Hang your own guy out to f***ing dry?

Stewart Pearson:
What? Peter Mannion, MP? Yeah! Old guard? We're not sending him to DoSAC to fatten him up, we're putting him out to pasture, Malcolm.

Malcolm Tucker:
We should just go home.

Stewart Pearson:
We can do that. We can just seal this in. Contain the toxicity. Chernobyl FM.

Malcolm Tucker:
I mean, you carry on like this and I might not find you utterly f***ing contemptible.

Stewart Pearson:
That's an incentive. I'll get my bag.