Mystery Men

Ever wonder if there was a class system in the world of superheroes? After all the big names like Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, etc., who were the supporting players? The folks assigned to the less-than-stellar gigs of saving only a small part of the world? According to this intermittently successf…






[Rescuing Captain Amazing from Casanova's weapon of mass destruction]

Captain Amazing:
Now flip the second toggle.

The Bowler:
[Having already flipped on his instructions once] ... Again?

Captain Amazing:
What do you mean?

The Bowler:
Flip the toggle twice?

Captain Amazing:
No-no-no, don't do that, just flip it again, now, one time! Flip it.

The Bowler:
[To Mr. Furious] ... Does he understand what I'm asking?

Mr. Furious:
Hold on a second - Captain, exactly how many toggle flips in toto are involved in this procedure?

Captain Amazing:
[Flustered] I just - I - Seven!

Mr. Furious:
[Incredulous] Seven?!

Captain Amazing:
[A little hysterical] Flip it!!

[The weapon begins to hum omniously and increasingly loudly]

The Bowler:
Hold the phone! Everybody hold the phone. You phrased that incorrectly. We need to know how many toggle flips are needed not counting the gratuitous toggle flip you may have asked for in a moment of panic.

Captain Amazing:
[Very hysterical] FLIP IT!!!

Mr. Furious:
Okay, you know what, can we just start again? Is there like a reset button on this thing or something?

Captain Amazing:
No you little freak, there's no button for resetting! Flip the switch, lady! Don't look at me, lift your left arm and flip it, you moron!

The Bowler:
[Offended] Whoa! I am not a moron.

Captain Amazing:
You're a moron! You're a moron! Flip the switch, lady!

Mr. Furious:
[Gently rebuking] Hey, don't call her a moron, that's not cool...

The Bowler:
Thank you!

Blue Raj:
[Fed up] I'll do it! I'll do it! It's this one, yes?

The Bowler:
No!

[Blue Raj flips the wrong switch - the weapon activates]

Captain Amazing:
Uh-oh - wrong switch.

[The weapon kills Captain Amazing in a horrific and grotesque fashion as the Mystery Men watch, appalled]

Mr. Furious:
... Everybody heard me say 'reset button', right?

Blue Raja:
[Horrified] Oh my God... Oh my God, we've killed him...

The Shoveler:
What do you mean, 'we'? I was right here.

[The Bowler approaches Amazing's fried, calcified and mutated corpse cautiously]

The Bowler:
I'm gonna check his pulse...

[She gently touches his wrist; it breaks off from his arm and smashes into pieces on the floor]

The Bowler:
... I don't think he's gonna pull through.

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