Two and a Half Men, Season 3

[Alan is lying on the couch after falling off the ladder]

Alan:
Do me a favor and call Judith and tell her not to bring Jake over.

Charlie:
How come?

Alan:
Look at me, Charlie! I have abrasions, contusions, a severely sprained neck, two fractured fingers, and I'm hopped up on pain pills. Does that spell "weekend dad" to you?

Charlie:
Well, actually, to me it spells "weekend in Bangkok with two Olympic gymnasts". But that's a whole other story.