Community

[repeated line]

Abed Nadir:
Cool. Cool cool cool.

[repeated line]

Shirley Bennett:
Ooh, that's nice.

[repeated line]

Annie Edison:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[repeated line]

Magnitude:
Pop pop!

[repeated line]

Star-Burns:
My name is Alex!

[repeated line]

Britta Perry:
Duh-Doy!

Abed Nadir:
Jeff wants to see you.

Annie Edison:
Yeah? And I want pants. A lot of people want a lot of things.

Jeff Winger:
I'm not risking my butt hauling ammo back for the guy who has Vicki dancing for twinkies.

Pierce Hawthorne:
She's a dance major, Jeff! And she likes twinkies.

Se?or Chang:
Man, Math Club has gotten a lot better since last year.

Jeff Winger:
Obviously they were practicing while the rest of us went on dates!

Se?or Chang:
Hold on, I have a plan. Math Club!

Math Club Leader:
Yeah?

Se?or Chang:
I'm Asian. You guys Asian?

Math Club Leader:
That's pretty racist man!

Se?or Chang:
That wasn't a no. I'm coming over. Don't shoot me, shoot him. He's white and he's out of ammo.

Troy Barnes:
Now this is more like it.

Jeff Winger:
OK Black Rider, now let's see who's attractive.

Troy Barnes:
Dude you have a problem.

Jeff Winger:
Does the word "clearly" mean something different to you than it does to us?

Pierce Hawthorne:
I think it's Arabic for "not clearly". [offers high-five to Troy]

Troy Barnes:
Dude, do not tarnish the high-five like that.

Professor Ian Duncan:
Abed, how many fingers am I holding up, and more importantly, are they still made of clay?

Abed Nadir:
Three, and I told you, it's not clay. We're silicone bodies with ball-and-socket armatures.

Professor Ian Duncan:
Very interesting, and publishable.

Abed Nadir:
My snowman talks?

Se?or Chang:
I'm not a snowman, I'm Chang!

Abed Nadir:
But I made you.

Se?or Chang:
Yeah, you make me cry in the shower tonight.

Abed Nadir:
If I can find the meaning of Christmas, then things will go back to normal.

Jeff Winger:
...asterisk.

Abed Nadir:
We're in the carol canyon. The plants here give off Christmas carols instead of oxygen.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Will walking through here be expensive?

Abed Nadir:
No, it's all public domain.

Troy Barnes:
Who taught you therapy, Michael Jackson's dad?

Professor Ian Duncan:
I am a professional, and you are interfering with a very fragile book deal... I mean, human being.

Abed Nadir:
[opens present] It's the first season of Lost on DVD.

Pierce Hawthorne:
That's the meaning of Christmas?

Abed Nadir:
It's a metaphor. It represents lack of payoff.

Abed Nadir:
The meaning of Christmas is that we give it meaning. To me, it used to mean being with my mom. Now, I guess it means being with you guys. Thanks, Lost.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Hey! Look what you did to the kid. What's your article gonna be called - "Worst Shrink Ever"?

Professor Ian Duncan:
Hey, this is not my fault. This is what Christmas does to people. We put too much meaning into it, and it lets us down.

Jeff Winger:
We beg to differ.

Professor Ian Duncan:
What are you doing back here?

Troy Barnes:
Saving Christmas.

Annie Edison:
Everybody, point your magic Christmas weapons at him.

Professor Ian Duncan:
Oh, brother. This is ridiculous. You are enabling a delusion.

Jeff Winger:
The delusion you're trying to cure is called Christmas, Duncan.

Annie Edison:
It's the crazy notion that the longest, coldest, darkest nights can be the warmest and brightest.

Britta Perry:
Yeah, and when we all agree to support each other in that insanity, something even crazier happens.

Annie Edison:
It becomes true.

Troy Barnes:
Works every year. Like clockwork.

Professor Ian Duncan:
Try telling that to your catatonic friend.

Shirley Bennett:
I got a better idea. Why don't we sing it?

Britta Perry:
Wait, what?

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, let's not go overboard.

Shirley Bennett:
Will you two commit to something for a change?

Jeff Winger:
Let's sing it!

Britta Perry:
Yeah, let's sing.

Troy Barnes:
Can we sing while we blow Duncan away?

Jeff Winger:
Absolutely.

[everyone fire their magic weapons at Duncan]

Shirley Bennett:
You start, Britta.

[the characters break out in song]

Britta Perry:
Christmas time is a time to sing. That's what Christmas is for.

Annie Edison:
Christmas can even be a hannukkah thing. That's what Christmas is for.

Shirley Bennett:
And for a huge percentage of this God-fearing planet it's about the birth of Jesus Christ.

Jeff Winger:
But for the rest of us it's still a good time to remember that it's good to be nice.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Music and cookies and liquor and trees. That's what Christmas is for.

Troy Barnes:
Video games for two straight weeks. That's what Christmas is for.

Annie Edison:
Hanging out with the people you love.

Jeff Winger, Annie Edison:
And saying I love you.

Britta Perry:
That's what Christmas is...

Shirley Bennett, Britta Perry, Jeff Winger, Troy Barnes, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorne:
That's what Christmas is... That's what Christmas is for!

Annie Edison:
Fourth floor, room 470. First, he said it was 69. I wanna rub Purell on my brain.

Jeff Winger:
I'm distracted watching you mutate. Britta, you're not a whore. Shirley, Jesus turned the other cheek, he didn't garner wages. Pierce, do I even need to say this? It is bad to hunt man for sport.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Bad-ass.

Troy Barnes:
My whole brain is crying!

Jeff Winger:
Shirley, you can't sue a stripper.

Shirley Bennett:
Why not?

Jeff Winger:
Because she's a stripper. Life sued her. She lost.

Shirley Bennett:
Jeffrey, did you punch Alan in his rotten face and storm out?

Jeff Winger:
Hell, no. That guy is useful to me. Thanks to you, I've got leverage over a spineless jag that just made partner. That is the place I want to work. But I prefer to hang out with cool people. People so cool, they care.

Alan Connor:
What brings you to Greendale?

Jeff Winger:
I'm a teacher. Wait, that's worse than the truth. I'm a student.

Jeff Winger:
Cheers.

Abed:
M.A.S.H.

Dr. Ian Duncan:
Fawlty Towers, game over.

Senor Chang:
Who did it,huh? [Looks at Annie] Mary Ann. [Looks at Pierce] Grandpa. [Looks at Shirley] Jack?e. [Looks at Abed] Kumar.

Troy:
The only difference between Senor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Senor Chang is.

Senor Chang:
Silencio, por favor. Starburns! That means you.

Star-Burns:
My name's Alex, dude.

Senor Chang:
Well then maybe you should spend five hours every morning carving *that* into your face.

Troy Barnes:
What are you writin' in?

Abed Nadir:
This notepad.

Troy Barnes:
Yeah, but what - what language?

Abed Nadir:
It's probably Arabic.

Annie Edison:
Okay, come on, can we just do this? Hi, hello, I am Hector The Well Endowed. You've got a bunch of pegasi, let's make a deal.

Abed Nadir:
What kind of deal?

Annie Edison:
All right. I take her by the hand and lead her to the stable. I light a candle and rip off a piece of my tunic which I fashion into a blindfold.

Abed Nadir:
Oh, Hector, but I don't know if I...

Annie Edison:
Shhh, shhh. I place it gently over the elf maiden's eyes... [music swells and the dialogue fades as an extended montage of Annie and Abed describing their character's lovemaking takes place]

Abed Nadir:
[exhales with satisfaction] Okay, you both fall back exhausted but still entwined.

Annie Edison:
[cheerfully] Great, I stroke her hair lovingly and spoon her for the appropriate amount of time before leaving.

[the group starts playing]

Shirley Bennett:
I think this would be a perfect opportunity for us to introduce ourselves to the group. Hello, I am a dwarf... [checks character sheet]... named Zippity Do.

Abed Nadir:
Okay, I'm not the best at making up names.

Jeff Winger:
Greetings. I am... Marrrrrrrrr. You ain't kidding.

Troy Barnes:
Hello, Marrrrr. I am Bing Bong the archer. I'm an archer and stuff.

Annie Edison:
[reading character sheet] I am... ew, Hector the Well-Endowed? Abed.

Abed Nadir:
I didn't know you'd just grab one at random. I made that with Troy in mind.

[he and Troy share their personal handshake]

Abed Nadir:
An arrow flies through the air over Brutalitops. Goblins are running toward you from the treeline wielding daggers.

Troy Barnes:
I attack them using my... additional notes.

Abed Nadir:
It has no effect. Britta?

Britta Perry:
I wanna know why these goblins are attacking us. Maybe these woods are their rightful land and from their perspective...

[everyone else groans]

Troy Barnes:
You're like the AT&T of people!

[Pierce forces his way into the game]

Abed Nadir:
As the goblins retreat, you notice a naked sixty-seven year old man with no weapons lying in the grass shivering. His name is...

Pierce Hawthorne:
Pierce Hawthorne and I'm sixty-six, dick.

Abed Nadir:
In about thirteen turns, he will die of exposure. Jeff?

Jeff Winger:
I wait fourteen turns.

[Chang shows up for the game in blackface]

Se?or Chang:
Hey, Neil. This is gonna be awesome, yo.

Shirley Bennett:
So, we're just gonna ignore that hate crime, huh?

Troy Barnes:
I'm gonna eat space paninis with black Hitler and there's nothing you can do about it!

Troy Barnes:
Dude just told his dead dad to suck it!

Britta Perry:
So edible! [Oedipal]

Minister:
You're the worst.

Jeff Winger:
Well, it's official. It's on a banner.

Shirley Bennett:
Congratulations, Jeffrey. You worked hard not to work hard to earn that degree.

Jeff Winger:
Three and a half years ago, when I came to Greendale, I met six very important people.

Dean Pelton:
Ooh, burn on Britta.

Jeff Winger:
Sorry, seven. And meeting these people changed my life. Yep. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say. [the other group members just laugh]

Troy Barnes:
Yeah, okay.

Abed Nadir:
Whatever.

Jeff Winger:
I'm so used to being the guy who can talk his way out of anything, but what do you say when you don't want a way out? What you have all done for me is indescribable. It's unbelievable. And my love for you is immeasurable, even when you split it seven ways.

Dean Pelton:
So, what's next for Jeffrey Winger?

Jeff Winger:
I'm thinking I might look into some small local firms. I'm gonna use my big mouth to help the little guy.

Shirley Bennett, Annie Edison:
Aww.

Jeff Winger:
Plus, if I stay in town, I can pop by any time I want. You know, just to settle group arguments about who misses me the most. [both Britta and Abed point to themselves] What do you think? [everyone raise their glasses]

Abed Nadir:
To Jeff.

Shirley Bennett:
To Jeffrey.

Joshua:
I guess that's what I get for trusting some black guy.

Troy Barnes:
[laughs at first then becomes shocked] WHAT?

Joshua:
When you found the trampoline I thought the only way to protect it was to let you use it. Guess it goes to prove what I already knew: non whites ruin everything!

Reinhold:
Don't worry. If there is one thing Germans don't do, it's hold a grudge.

Abed Nadir:
Unless we're talking about Die Hard 3.

Jeff Winger:
Or the 20th century.

Jeff Winger:
I really am Hitler.

Shirley Bennett:
Yeah.

Pierce Hawthorne:
So it's just decided? No vote or anything?

Troy Barnes:
I hate this. I wish there was a way we could make it up to people.

Jeff Winger:
That's it! We need to make reparations. We have to start giving back, because Greendale has given us so much. It gave us the study room. And that study room is our home. But our home is more than those four walls. And our family is more than the seven of us. It's all of Greendale. And everyone deserves to have what we have. [after they finished the study room make overs] What do you know? Greendale just got slightly better.

Jeff Winger:
Well Shirley, since you have clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you! Men are monsters who crave young flesh!

Annie Edison:
Everything they do is some sick competition.

Britta Perry:
Oh, like you hate competition. How long did it take you to kiss Jeff after I told him I loved him? Oh, that's right. First Vaughn, now Jeff. I better not smile at that wall outlet or you'll fry your tongue off!

Professor June Bauer:
I don't know Mr. Winger. Last time I called on you I got what the Maku Maku call 'dirt-roaded'.

Se?or Chang:
Using it.

Troy Barnes:
[Troy begins to beatbox]

Professor June Bauer, Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes:
Kingdom, Animalia. Phylum, Chordala. The Class is Mammalia, cause, boobies we gotta. Order is Primate. Family, Hominidae. Genus is Homo but I know you're inda me. Cause I am the Species known as Sapien. Dogs used to eat me, but now they bring the paper in.

Professor June Bauer:
It's gonna take a lot to take me away from you There's nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do I bless the rains down in Africa, I bless the rains down in Africa, I bless the rains down in Africa.

Se?or Chang:
Consider yourself Chang-ed!

Troy Barnes:
Abed, Jeff made out with Annie

Abed Nadir:
What? When, where?

Britta Perry:
[angry] Yeah, where?

Pierce Hawthorne:
That's inappropriate. I'm assuming on the mouth.

Annie Edison:
It was after the Transfer Dance

Britta Perry:
Oh, so I tell you that I love you, and you go outside and stick your tongue into a teenager!

Jeff Winger:
Sorry I'm late. I was in my car, loving Britta. [Jeff and Britta kiss and then look deeply into each other's eyes] I guess I just love you too much [Annie rocks nervously, a sick look on her face]

Britta Perry:
Not half as much as me

Abed Nadir:
Jeff do you think you'll marry Britta?

Jeff Winger:
I'd like to see someone stop me.

Britta Perry:
I just peed a little.

Abed Nadir:
[Abed presents them with a ring] Then here, propose.

Britta Perry:
[Jeff and Britta both look at the ring and then begin struggling over it] I've got it. I've got it. [Britta gets the ring and puts it on Jeff's finger] Jeff Winger, will you marry me?

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, yeah, of course. No problem, no problem. [Shirley screams in delight and Annie screams in horror]

Abed Nadir:
Great, I'll be right back [Abed rushes out of the room]

Shirley Bennett:
[Annie screams again as Jeff and Britta kiss] Thank the Lord you're getting married, I was so worried about your souls ever since you had premarital sex on the table.

Troy Barnes:
[Everyone leaps back from the table in disgust] Awesome!

Jeff Winger:
You told Shirley?

Shirley Bennett:
Well there's no need for secrecy now. It was during the paintball game

Troy Barnes:
Was there anything you didn't win that day?

Annie Edison:
[Annie runs over and punches Jeff in the face] You slept with her and then kissed me?

Britta Perry:
What?

Irish Singer:
[Abed enters with an entourage of people carrying a wedding arbor and singing] But she's in so deep/ You know she's such a fool for him/ She's got a ring around her finger ah-ah-ah/ And Abed hired and Irish singer/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying/ Britta's marrying Jeffrey Winger!

Jeff Winger:
Well, Shirley, since you've clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you: Men are monsters who crave young flesh. The end.

Jeff Winger:
[On Anthropology professor's question, "Which tool is the most important to humanity's survival] The tool most important to humanity's survival is... respect. The reason I know respect is a tool is because it is clearly not a natural thing. We forget to use it all the time, and we start competing with each other, and exploiting each other, and humiliating each other, and controlling each other... and we lose each other. And without each other, we'd go extinct. And that's a fact. That's my answer, professor.

Abed Nadir:
I can tell life from TV, Jeff. TV makes sense, it has structure, logic, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you.

Jeff Winger:
The most important tool is... respect.

Se?or Chang:
Ha! Gayyyyy!

Jeff Winger:
I'm gonna become a five and expose this thing for the sham it is.

Britta Perry:
Oh, now you're speaking my language.

Jeff Winger:
That's unintentional, trust me.

Shirley Bennett:
Hello, Jeffrey. I see you decided to join Meowmeowbeenz.

Jeff Winger:
Oh, it's a great tool for living. You look great.

Shirley Bennett:
You look great!

Jeff Winger:
You know what you're doing.

Shirley Bennett:
You know what you're doing. I'm watching you, okay? Mmm.

Annie Edison:
Mmm. [Shirley's gang walk away]

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, you'll be watching my hinder, mama, choking on it's billowing plume of highly rated dust.

Jeff Winger:
My name is Jeff Winger. I recently became a four. Funny thing is, when I was a two, I didn't actually have any less. But I did have a lot of crazy friends! "Hey, my name's Tommy Talouca. I'm from hallway C. I'm a two! I got to get to the cafeteria before they run out of apples!" What is it with two and apples? You're given three kinds of fruit. Mix it up! And then you become a four, and you get that, uh, that four walk. You know what I'm talking about, it's like this... [does a funny walk] It's like one of these. And they get a trail of twos behind them, and they're, like, "Hey, is there an apple up there?" Oh *beep*... Wow, what else is going on?

Dean Pelton:
He's killing it.

Jeff Winger:
There came a time I has to aks myself, did I even want to be a three? Or did I just hate myself for being a two? I don't know. All I know is I sure love them apples!

Dean Pelton:
Now Jeffery I beg you not to take this risk. You know what they say. Fives have lives, Fours have chores, Threes have fleas, Twos have blues and Ones don't get a rhyme because they're garbage.

Troy Barnes:
Professor Duncan, you are such a great teacher when you're drinking.

Professor Duncan:
Thank you, Daryl.

Abed Nadir:
It's Troy.

Troy Barnes:
Hey, if the man wants to give "Daryl" an A, let him do it.

Professor Duncan:
Throw paper balls at her head til she sits down.

Jeff Winger:
Don't say anything until you hear what I have to say. I've known you for almost two years now and I've never taken you as seriously as I should have. You are the strangest, coolest, most genuine person I've ever met. And the thing that scares me about you is how good you make me wish I was. Help me, Rich. Help me become like you. I mean, I am so amazing, but I'm not perfect. You are. Give me that power, so I can abuse it.

Rich:
Jeff, you are one funny bunny. But you can't just fake being good in order to get away with doing bad things.

Jeff Winger:
Oh, I completely understand. And do you understand that I still have to try, and that, if you don't help me, you're a bad person?

Rich:
You got me there, guy. Come on in and dry off.

Francesca 'Frankie' Dart:
Oh God no, I never hope. Hope is pouting in advance. Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister. Hope is the deformed addict bound incest monster offspring of entitlement and fear.

Troy Barnes:
I don't understand you, Britta! I don't understand you at all!

Britta Perry:
Troy didn't tell me you were such a knockout.

Nana:
What do you mean by that?

Britta Perry:
Oh, come on. I'm sure you've broken a few hearts in your time.

Nana:
Oh. Tell me, how many men do you think I've laid with?

Britta Perry:
[Britta's eyes go wide]

Nana:
Who are you?

Britta Perry:
I'm Britta and I have offended you and I am sorry. Is there anything I can get you?

Nana:
Yes. Get me a switch.

Britta Perry:
A what?

Troy Barnes:
She's not family, Nana. You can't make her get a switch.

Britta Perry:
She can make me get it. I just have to know what it is first.

Troy Barnes:
A switch is a stick she can use to whoop you with. Cherish, Britta. Cherish.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Jeff, what are you still doing here?

Jeff Winger:
I go to school here, remember.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Well, Amber, there's a Pictionary tournament in the student lounge. Would you like to play?

Amber:
Sure. Is Jeff joining us?

Jeff Winger:
I can't. I have to go.

Pierce Hawthorne:
[to Jeff] Come on, stay.

Jeff Winger:
I can't.

Amber:
Then maybe I shouldn't stay either.

Pierce Hawthorne:
[to Jeff] Stay.

Jeff Winger:
You think I should?

Pierce Hawthorne:
I think you have to.

Shirley Bennett:
Alright! You got me, Gubi. I'm a bad mother. But at least I let my kids be kids.

Annie Edison:
How much effort do I rate?

Jeff Winger:
For you, I'd break a light sweat.

Annie Edison:
Good. I need a favor. Help Pierce with his step daughter?

Jeff Winger:
You're becoming dangerous, Annie. It's those doe eyes.

Jeff Winger:
[Crying on Pierce's shoulder] We always use to watch the shows she wanted to watch. I hate Glee

Pierce Hawthorne:
I'm not crazy about Glee either.

Jeff Winger:
I hate it. I don't understand the appeal at all.

Annie Edison:
Are you just doing this because Slater hurt you?

Jeff Winger:
What? No. I'm not hurt. And Amber threw herself at me.

Annie Edison:
Well, you still have to tell Pierce that she's taking advantage of him, don't you?

Jeff Winger:
Well, when you think about it, nobody's getting hurt. Pierce is getting a daughter, Amber's getting allowance, I'm getting... well, we already talked about it. But don't forget, this is Pierce. He's a racist, homophobic old goof, and he does bad stuff all the time.

Annie Edison:
Well, sounds like you got it all figured out, so why are you talking to me about it?

Jeff Winger:
Because you're... you know.

Annie Edison:
A decent person?

Jeff Winger:
Maybe.

Annie Edison:
And you knew that talking to me about it would make you feel like a bad friend, and you wanted to feel like a bad friend because you wanna be a good friend?

Jeff Winger:
You really suck, you know that?

Shirley Bennett:
Speaking of tomorrow, Troy and Britta, have you decided what you're gonna do for your one-year anniversary?

Britta Perry, Troy Barnes:
Of...?

Annie Edison:
Your first date?

Britta Perry:
Oh! Kidding.

Troy Barnes:
Yeah! That was a test and you failed.

Pierce Hawthorne:
You guys are dating? Man. Somebody's sure is working her way around the table.

Abed Nadir:
Freaky Friday. Oh, Troy, you are so thoughtful. I wish I had the capacity for sentimentality like you do.

Troy Barnes:
Me? I wish I was more like you. No emotional hang-ups, endless cool adventures. You have it so easy.

Abed Nadir:
No, you do, Troy.

Troy Barnes:
No, you do, Abed. [both grab the Freaky Friday cover]

Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes:
I wish I could switch places with you for just one day. [both start to go in circles and make weird sounds while the lighting starts to switch on and off, and then they fall over dramatically]

Shirley Bennett:
Oh...

Jerry:
[appearing] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.

Troy Barnes:
I thought that would work.

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, we're all floored it didn't.

Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir:
I wish I had my own body back. [they hold onto the Freaky Friday DVD and go around in circles]

Jeff Winger:
[switching the light on and off] Sorry. Routine light-switch check.

Narrator:
Greendale Community College is represented by two separate yet equally important types of people: the goofballs that run around stirring up trouble, and the eggheads that make a big deal out of it. These are their stories.

Dean Pelton:
Mister Winger, what is the intention here?

Jeff Winger:
Simple. When Todd smashed our yam, he stole an A from us. We want it back.

Colonel Archwood:
You mean if he smashed the yam. All you have is the word of this Mister Star-Burns, who offers up no explanation as to why he was on the scene.

Dean Pelton:
How about it, Jeffrey? What was Star-Burns doing there?

Jeff Winger:
We agreed to withold that information as part of a pinky swear with the witness.

Colonel Archwood:
Pinky swear. This is ludicrous. This whole school is ludicrous. Who honors the pinky swear of a degenerate over the word of a decorated soldier?

Dean Pelton:
I'm inclined to agree with the man in uniform.

Jeff Winger:
Shocker.

Dean Pelton:
Jeffrey, tell us what Star-Burns was doing in that classroom, or your group can take an F.

Professor Marshall Kane:
Hold on, hold on, hold on. I grade my students. Now what Star-Burns was doing is irrelevant. What matters is what he saw. I'm upholding the pinky swear.

Colonel Archwood:
What?

Professor Marshall Kane:
Hey, man. You spent your life in the Army. I spent mine in prison. Two places where a man's word is only as good as his uniform. Now, out here it's supposed to be different, and my classroom will be. You two can plead your case to the class, and let them decide your grades.

Jeff Winger:
Professor, thank you.

Professor Marshall Kane:
It's not a favor, Mister Winger. A man's gotta have a code.

Se?or Chang:
Move along, nothing to see here.

Jeff Winger:
First time those words have actually been true.

Annie Edison:
A passing grade? Like a C? Why don't I just get pregnant on a bus station?

Britta Perry:
I transfered, or downloaded, Todd's picture to this computer, and as you can see, by making a few adjustments, I can make the entire image... Old-West color. I don't know, I thought it was cool.

Star-Burns:
Kiss me.

Quendra:
What?

Star-Burns:
I will explain later.

Quendra:
No!

Star-Burns:
I will explain later!

Quendra:
The explanation is not the issue!

Star-Burns:
You have nothing on me! And I don't have to stay here, 'cause you're not cops!

Shirley Bennett:
He's right. You're not cops.

Abed Nadir:
I'd say our hands are tied, but we basically have no hands.

Jeff Winger:
Keep the change. You know, keep the hot dog.

Troy Barnes:
Clean up on aisle busted.

Troy Barnes:
Todd Jamison, you have the right to do whatever you want. Nothing you say or do can be used against you by anyone, but we'd really like it if you came with us. Please and thank you.

Jeff Winger:
[speaking to Annie Edison] A man's got to have a code. I can only assume there is a female equivalent to that. A "codette" or something.

Jeff Winger:
If it's any consolation, she got me here on a very misleading text message.

Annie Edison:
Technically, you are about to be screwed in the biology room.

Colonel Archwood:
Objection, she's clearly ramping up to something.

Jeff Winger:
Objection, that's not a real objection.

[the study group approaches in a slow motion group march]

Jeff Winger:
Do we have to keep walking in slow mo?

Abed Nadir:
Twenty more yards.

Pierce Hawthorne:
You guys are walking in slow mo?

Jeff Winger:
We earn the right to pick on Greendale by going there every day. Our school may be a toilet, but it's our toilet. Nobody craps in it but us.

[Pierce is hallucinating]

Sanders:
I hope you find a seat so you can be safe.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Did you just threaten me?

Jeff Winger:
Pierce! You're talking to an Atari cartridge.

Dean Pelton:
Where are you hooligans? Bring my spaceship back!

[Troy consults the navigation chart]

Troy Barnes:
Uh, we appear to be forty light years outside of the Buttermilk Nebula. Although, I think that... [picks at the screen and peels it] Yeah, it's a sticker.

Abed Nadir:
There are three things you need to know: Dennis Hopper is dead, tv shows don't make time for their theme songs anymore, and Woody Allen voiced a cartoon ant.

Dean Pelton:
Save Greendale Commity, unite!

Abed Nadir:
Boom.

Jeff Winger:
This inspection is going to be the most boring thing that happened here since Britta dated Troy.

Shirley Bennett:
I know how much you feel for the campus, Jeff. I know how much you feel in general, and I know you think it's a weakness, but believe me. It's your strength.

Jeff Winger:
You got something in your teeth.

Shirley Bennett:
Mhm. You got something in your chest.

Annie Edison:
We need to make people aware that Greendale exists and needs help.

Professor Hickey:
Why?

Annie Edison:
Because once the Internet knows about something, it changes.

Jeff Winger:
Right. Just ask Chris Brown or China.

Pierce Hawthorne:
[Wearing a boating uniform] Guess what I've enrolled in?

Jeff Winger:
Singing back-up for Tennille?

Pierce Hawthorne:
No, no, no, hey. Beginning sailing.

Abed Nadir:
But the nearest body of water is two and a half hours away.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Leagues, Abed. We don't measure water by hours.

Jeff Winger:
This class is like a redhead that drinks scotch and loves Die Hard. I suggest you all get her number.

Annie Edison:
I don't know. You're last blow-off class taught me to live in the moment which I will always regret and never do again.

Abed Nadir:
Jeff has felt jealousy before, even envy, but that first day of pottery class...

Jeff Winger:
Abed!

Abed Nadir:
What?

Jeff Winger:
What did we discuss?

Abed Nadir:
No voice overs. Sorry. It is kind of a crutch.

Admiral Slaughter:
When I look at you, I no longer see students. I see seamen. From the moment you came onboard, I saw seamen inside of you. More importantly you've stopped laughing at the word "seamen" which is the mark of a true seaman.

Britta Perry:
Looks like someone's mommy gave him too much praise.

Jeff Winger:
Man, so did someone's psych teacher.

Se?or Chang:
[Arrives to class shirtless] Yes, I was robbed at the YMCA. Again.

Admiral Slaughter:
[after Pierce's hat falls over board in the parking lot] That hat is gone, lost at sea.

Troy Barnes:
But I think I can still reach it. It landed on that Hyundai... I mean, mermaid's car.

Troy Barnes:
Oh, my God. Pierce is about to become the only person to drown in a parking lot. Twice.

Professor Holly:
Congratulations, you just failed a class so easy people passing in the hall get contact credit!

[Jeff straddles Rich and accidentally recreates the forbidden scene from "Ghost"]

Professor Holly:
I give you one rule to follow!

[He points to a poster of Patrick Swayze with a red "X" over it and Annie gasps]

Professor Holly:
I had it made before he died. It's not in bad taste.

Professor Holly:
Hello my precious blueberries!

Professor Holly:
Alrighty let's spin those wheels and play, with some clay. [slams the clay] I have one and only one rule in this class.

Professor Holly:
I will tolerate no reenacting, whether it's ironic or sincere, of the Patrick Swayze/Demi Moore scene in Ghost.

Professor Holly:
Ever since that movie was released in 1990, I have seen every conceivable variation of what I call 'Ghosting'.

Professor Holly:
It's guy-on-girl, girl-on-guy, the hilarious guy-on-guy... [pretends to shoot himself in the head]

Professor Holly:
So since it never stopped, I have to adopt a zero ghost tolerance policy.

Professor Holly:
If you so much as hum three notes from that Righteous Brothers song, so help me God I will come at you!

Professor Holly:
With everything I've got.

Professor Holly:
OK?

Professor Holly:
Let's have a great time!

Annie Edison:
Rich just taught me how to make a flared lip and check for breast lumps!

Shirley Bennett:
Kind people are always kind, not just when it's easy.

Pierce Hawthorne:
If I let being bad at something stop me, I wouldn't be here. That thing some men call 'failure,' I call 'living.' 'Breakfast.' And I'm not leaving until I've cleaned out the buffet. Now, how about a shove?

Jeff Winger:
Good luck, Pierce.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Don't need it, never had it.

Jeff's Mom:
[Jeff creates a fake flashback] Jeff, you're a normal person. There's nothing very special about you at all. You're going to be great at a few things, but really crappy at more. And that takes a lot of the pressure off, so you can live a full, happy life. Oh, and sorry it took me so long to tell you that. And it was only in your imagination. My bad. I'm kind of a sloppy mom. [in the present, Jeff immerses himself in the fake flashback while continuing to make bad pottery]

Jeff Winger:
[very seriously] That's okay, Mom. Nobody's perfect.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Jeffrey, when I was born, I got my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, both arms, and one of my ankles. Mom said there came a point when the doctor stopped delivering me and just started laughing. I mean, if I ever let being bad at something stop me, I wouldn't be here. That thing some men call 'failure,' I call 'living.' 'Breakfast.' And I'm not leaving until I've cleaned out the buffet. Now, how about a shove?

Jeff Winger:
Good luck, Pierce.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Don't need it. Never had it.

Jeff Winger:
Sean Penn called, he said dial it back. Sean Penn is an actor...

Professor Kane:
I know who Sean Penn is! I've seen "Milk!" Now get out of my class!

Vice Dean Laybourne:
You could have lived the rest your life in blissful ignorance and died a happy pansexual imp, but you wanted to feel power this year. Well, now you're going to my feel my power as it surges downward from me straight through you from nostril to rectum now until the end of time... and that's... wassup.

Dean Pelton:
I forgot everything you said before "rectum!"

Jeff Winger:
Stop! Stop! Pierce isn't crazy. The table... Is... Magic. As someone who's been on the other side I can tell you, it is a scary, lonely Chang-filled world out there. And sure this group has sprouted some legs, but why are we in such a rush to leave the tide pool. When the only things waiting for us on shore are the sands of time, and the hungry seagulls of slowly growing apart.

Annie Edison:
We're really doing this without Pierce? It's so sad.

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, we have parted ways with our closest, oldest, craziest, most racist, oldest, elderly crazy friend. And he's not coming back.

Pierce Hawthorne:
I'm back.

Se?or Chang:
Greetings you little snots!

Molly:
You're not Drugs.

Se?or Chang:
Oh but I AM. Disappointed? Did you expect me to stay the same forever? Because that's not what Drugs does baby! I'm gonna deep fry your dog and eat your momma's face. And I'm going to wear your little brother's skin like pajamas! I control your lives, and there's nothing you can do.

Paul:
Let's kill him.

Se?or Chang:
Oh! Bring it on Bow-Wow!

Se?or Chang:
You'll do it or you'll fail my class.

Pierce Hawthorne:
You can't do that.

Se?or Chang:
Have you met me?

Shirley Bennett:
Oh, it's Cupid Being.

Jeff Winger:
Now he's got arrows. That's safe.

Abed Nadir:
[Got a basket of muffins] Another actress who wants to be in one of my movies.

Annie Edison:
Does that really work?

Abed Nadir:
Yes. Meryl Streep got her two Oscars from her baking. I was trying to be sarcastic, but it didn't come out. [Exaggerated inflection] This sounds *much* more like sarcasm. Inflection is *so* interesting.

Se?or Chang:
Boop! Boop! Boop! My bullcrap meter is going crazy.

Abed Nadir:
I can't remember the name of that girl from Breakfast Club. Mary. Margo. Molly Ringworm. You broke me.

Annie Edison:
Women's sizes run smaller. I'm sure you're a 12 everywhere that is counts.

Britta Perry:
In his defense, Abed's turtle face is really funny.

Shirley:
Uh, quick question. Are you all coming to my Christmas party right after the final, or are you stopping home to change into your Christmas outfits?

Annie:
[Breaking the silence] I guess I could wear one of my Hanukkah sweaters.

Shirley:
Uh, Annie.

[Uncomfortable]

Shirley:
I didn't know you weren't, uh, Christian.

Annie:
Yep. One might even say I'm Jewish.

Shirley:
[Faking tolerance] Oh, tha-that's good for you. Tha-that's wonderful. I respect all religions of the world.

Abed:
I'm Muslim.

Troy:
Jehovah's Witness.

Britta:
Atheist.

Shirley:
[With raised eyebrows] The Lord is testing me.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Agnostic. Lazy man's Atheist.

Jeff Winger:
True or falso or none of the above? That doesn't make any sense.

Pierce Hawthorne:
I know a few moves. Troy, I assume you're handy with a switchblade. Abed, you get back to the family tent. Try to find a chicken for Jeff to chase.

Shirley:
You realize there's no other way for me to take this than as a giant middle finger to the most important day of the year.

Jeff Winger:
December 10?

Shirley:
I'm not mad. I'm dissapointed.

Jeff Winger:
That's mom for mad.

Britta:
Are we really gonna let religion divide us like this. I think there's one thing we can all agree on.

Abed:
I get 72 virgins in heaven.

Britta:
No. That we would all like to have Jeff at this party.

Mike:
Look, this dude doesn't show up, we're definitely going to Applebee's, alright? 'Cause I'm getting in a fight no matter what today, I'm telling you, dude, right now.

Jeff Winger:
To me, religion is like Paul Rudd. I see the appeal, and I would never take it away from anyone. But I would also never stand in line for it.

Annie:
WWBJD?

Pierce Hawthorne:
If that stands for "What Would Billy Joel Do?" I'll tell you right now: he'd write another crappy song. [extends fist to Troy]

Troy:
...yeah, in your face, Billy Joel! [mouths to Annie] Who is that?

Annie:
[mouths] I don't know.

Mike:
Give me a winterdoodle!

Jeff Winger:
If you're trying to be menacing, maybe don't call the cookie by its name.

Mike:
Oh, you're funny. You're a funny man. Wanna hear something funny, funny man? Knock-knock. My fist up your balls!

Jeff Winger:
Who's there...?

Shirley:
I did my best to create a special Christmas for my *one* intact family... and this is the thanks I get.

Annie:
Shirley, you are a guilt machine.

Pierce Hawthorne:
And Annie knows a thing or two about guilt. Am I right, Jew?

Annie:
Say the whole word!

Pierce Hawthorne:
...Jewie?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Let's see what we're working with. Go ahead, throw a few at the old paws.

[Jeff punches pads lightly]

Pierce Hawthorne:
[laughs] What are you a North Korean seamstress?

Jeff Winger:
Not if that's bad.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Britta, put your blouse back on.

Jeff Winger:
[turns and Pierce kicks him] Ow!

Pierce Hawthorne:
Boys, this is not a game! You got to be ready for anything!

Troy:
Dude! That is not cool.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Well, that foxy black girl thinks it is.

[kicks Troy when he turns]

Jeff Winger:
What are you doing?

Troy:
Why she have to be black?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Every man should be punched in the face. It's a rite of passage. In my day, Friday night was smoke a doobie, feel up a gal, and then get your teeth knocked out by a Republican.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Where should I put my Buddha incense holder?

Britta:
I'm pretty sure that's a bong.

Se?or Chang:
All of you are moving on. Except for Jeff. Turns out you will be seeing me next semester... in Spanish 102... because he passed. And I'm the only Spanish teacher?

Annie:
Yay!

[pause]

Annie:
I mean, for Jeff passing. You being our Spanish teacher? Eh.

Pierce Hawthorne:
That guy wasn't gay. He had a mustache.

Shirley:
Oh, look. Britta brought what she believes in: nothing.

Troy Barnes:
Then you give him the Forest Whitaker eye.

Vicki:
And then eventually, the caterpillar emerges from its cocoon and then...

Magnitude:
Pop pop!

[the class bursts out laughing]

Professor Marshall Kane:
Nice work, you two. You know they're laughing at you, right?

Ben Chang:
[thinking] Arizona Matchbook Company. Arizona. Arizona backwards is still Arizona! It's a palomino!

Shirley Bennett:
Oh, they've got a class on how to write jokes.

Annie Edison:
Oh, don't take that. I dropped it after the lesson on set-ups. The professor is so old... [long, awkward silence]

Dean Pelton:
Agnes, cancel all my appointments.

Agnes:
What appointments?

Dean Pelton:
...Wishful thinking.

Britta Perry:
The perfect Jeff Winger blow-off class: a class that doesn't exist.

Annie Edison:
Jeff, you made up a professor, and he just appeared out of thin air. You're not the least bit curious how that happened?

Jeff Winger:
My latest theory? Maybe I'm a god. I've denied the signs for too long.

Jeff Winger:
Does the drama club have those fake guns that fire blanks?

Professor Sean Garrity:
Of course. We just used them in a modern retelling of MacBeth set in gangster-era Chicago.

Jeff Winger:
Fresh take. Never would have thought of it. [to Annie] And you call me lazy.

Annie Edison:
Do you understand what a conspiracy is? When you conspire with everyone you come across, you're not really conspiring with anyone. You're just doing random crap.

Abed Nadir:
Unfortunately, the very thing that drove you to this dorm room is what would prevent you from properly running this machine, or even be a cog in it: your ego.

Jeff Winger:
[scoff] I see. This has been about *me* this whole time. You want a shot at the Jeff Winger throne? You better bring a powerful ass! Oh, and for your information, I don't even *have* an ego. My Facebook photo is a landscape!

Britta Perry:
I you knew how they treat those animals, you would eat them faster to put them out of their misery, and then you would throw up.

Abed Nadir:
It was as simple as that. From then on, we stopped being a family, and became a family, in italics.

Jeff Winger:
Why do you have a monkey?

Troy Barnes:
It's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have ten of them?

[Troy named his monkey Annie's B*obs]

Annie Edison:
And please rename that monkey, and this time not through a contest on Twitter.

Troy Barnes:
It's his Twitter account. He can do what he wants.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Who is this?

Abed Nadir:
That's Travis. You said you wanted someone in your entourage named Travis.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Show him your license. Travis is his middle name.

Travis:
I go by Travis.

Pierce Hawthorne:
No, you go by the door.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Ay-bed, your social skills aren't exactly "streets ahead." Know what I mean?

Abed Nadir:
[thinks] I don't.

Jeff Winger:
You're not alone in this case. Pierce, stop trying to coin the phrase "streets ahead."

Pierce Hawthorne:
Trying? [laughs] Coined and minted! Been there, coined that! "Streets ahead" is verbal... wildfire!

Annie Edison:
Does it just mean "cool," or is it supposed to be like, "miles ahead"?

Pierce Hawthorne:
[scoffs] If you have to ask, you're streets behind.

Troy Barnes:
He released Annie's B*obs. Annie's B*obs could be anywhere. Annie's B*obs could be on the streets...

Shirley Bennett:
Okay, we get it. The monkey's name is Annie's B*obs.

Abed Nadir:
And that was it. It was that simple. At that moment we stopped being a family and started being a family, in italics.

Abed Nadir:
As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be in a Mafia movie.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Streets Ahead

Dean Pelton:
I don't know who told you pouting was an option for you, but all you're making me feel right now is hatred of Renee Zellweger.

Jeff Winger:
Bow before Thoraxis!

Britta Perry:
Hi, Abed! Just here for my breakfast date with Troy.

Troy Barnes:
Good morning, Britta. I haven't seen you for over 12 hours!

Britta Perry:
Yeah.

Abed Nadir:
I know you two are having sex. I've known for weeks.

Britta Perry:
What? Why didn't you say something?

Abed Nadir:
I love doughnuts. [takes the doughnut bag from Britta]

Britta Perry:
Jeff, why are people staring at you?

Jeff Winger:
'Cause they've never seen a man who's had sex before?

Lauren:
Excuse me, I don't mean to bother yu, but are you Nigel Cuthbertson, the actor who played Thoraxis? [Jeff turns around, ready to deny it, but then sees it's a pretty lady and changes his mind]

Jeff Winger:
[in a British accent] Call me Nige.

Annie Edison:
We come all this way, and you just leave me alone without so much as sending a text message? I'm sick of it, Jeff... Nigel... Winger! [tries to throw two more drinks in Jeff's face, but realises they are empty] Can I get two more of these, please?

Jeff Winger:
Enough! This day has turned crazy. I'm gonna go upstairs, towel off, and pray to God that I wake up in the middle of a final in a class I didn't know I was enrolled in. [storms off, leaving Annie to huff]

Jeff Winger:
I have a date to catch, or should I say, a catch to date.

Britta Perry:
[Rolling her eyes] I hope you just came up with that.

Pierce Hawthorne:
We all know what we're really thinking. If, and i mean 'if' the culprit is among us, statistically speaking it's Troy.

Jeff Winger:
Yes, we were all just thinking that, in 1856.

Britta Perry:
[while reading Abed's notebook] Oh my God, are you charting our menstral cycles?

Annie Edison:
What? Gross!

Shirley Bennett:
Abed, this is so personal... and so accurate.

Britta Perry:
[after searching Shirley's bag] Is this what you were trying to hide, Shirley? A pregnancy test?

Jeff Winger:
And more importantly, are they seriously marketing pregnancy tests to black women?

Dean Pelton:
[Looking into the library] What the hell did you people do in there!

Abed Nadir:
Something you and your puppies could only dream of, you non-miraculous son of a b*tch.

Shirley Bennett:
Uh, Jeff, you don't have a bag?

Jeff Winger:
Oh, I could never deprive the world of a portion of my chest the strap would cover.

[Jeff searches Troy's backpack and finds only a pillow]

Jeff Winger:
Okay. Troy just officially became my hero.

Pierce Hawthorne:
People like you are the reason we took so long to get into Vietnam.

Jeff Winger:
All right. It's not on the floor, so whoever accidentally took it...

Annie Edison:
Not accidentally! Accidents don't just happen over and over and over again, okay? This isn't budget daycare.

Jeff Winger:
Okay. Whoever insidiously and with great malice aforethought abducted Annie's pen, confess, repent and relinquish so we can leave.

Annie Edison:
Jeff, you're in charge. I demand you deal with this.

Jeff Winger:
There's nothing to deal with.

Abed Nadir:
I'll say.

Jeff Winger:
Okay, all right, all right, everyone breathe. You know what this is?

Abed Nadir:
Yep.

Jeff Winger:
Shut up. This is a normal day with a bunch of friends who are done studying and a pen maybe rolled away.

Annie Edison:
Rolled away?

Jeff Winger:
Or fell down someone's shoe.

Annie Edison:
Let's check shoes.

Jeff Winger:
Annie! Fine, fine. Someone in this room is hiding your pen. Wanna know why? They feel terrible. They made a mistake. They waited too long to come forward and now they feel bad.

Britta Perry:
They should.

Jeff Winger:
Okay, okay. So, pen thief, we understand what happened, and we forgive you.

Annie Edison:
If you confess and apologize.

Jeff Winger:
Right, but here's the trick: Because this person now has no reason not to come forward, if by some chance, I get to the count of three and nobody comes forward, guess what. We have to accept that no one has the pen, don't we? [everyone makes a half-hearted agreeing sound] Don't we? [everyone makes the same sound again] Good. So here we go. One. Two. [Pierce raises his hand, and everyone points at him in an accusative way. Annie gasps] Pierce, do you have something to tell us?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Yes. Is it me, or has it become really obvious that Jeff took the pen? [different people agree with this at the same time]

Jeff Winger:
[angrily] You wanna make a bet, you jerks? Lockdown! Abed, seal the doors. Nobody leaves until this pen shows up.

Abed Nadir:
I don't like this.

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, tell it to the pen you might have. [Jeff puts his phone to his ear] Gwynnifer? Hi. Yeah, it's me. I can't make it. Well, tell your disappointment to suck it. I'm doing a bottle episode. [hangs up and throws his phone away]

Jeff Winger:
I'm sorry. You should take some credit for who I've become.

William Winger:
Okay.

Jeff Winger:
So let me tell you how I turned out, just so you're crystal clear on your impact. I am not well-adjusted. And more often than not, I am barely keeping it together. I'm constantly texting, and there's no one at the other end. I'm just a grown man who can't even look his own friends in the eye for too long because I'm too afraid that they'll see that I am broken. So you get credit for that.

William Winger:
Oh, come on, now...

Jeff Winger:
One time when, I was in seventh grade, I told everyone at school that I had appendicitis. I wanted someone to worry about me. But when Beth Brannon asked to see the scar, I didn't wanna get found out, so I took Mom's scissors, and I made one. It hurt like hell, but it was worth it, because I got 17 cards. And I still keep them in a box underneath my bed 22 years later, because it proves that someone, at some point, cared about me. You wanna see the scar? So you get credit for that too. This is me.

Jeff Winger:
I heard your Thanksgiving wasn't much better than mine. So I thought we could take some time and be grateful for our real family. The one we chose.

Mr. Stone:
Mr. Winger, state your name.

Jeff Winger:
Jeffrey Winger.

Mr. Stone:
Are you gay?

Jeff Winger:
No.

Mr. Stone:
Are you sure you're not gay?

Jeff Winger:
Yes.

Mr. Stone:
Gay-murderer-says-what?

Jeff Winger:
What?

Jeff Winger:
[after hearing that his Netflix account is getting used by his colleagues] Is that why my review of "The Grey" keeps changing?

Abed Nadir:
Yes, stop giving it four stars.

Jeff Winger:
I like Liam Neeson.

Abed Nadir:
Then send him a message about the roles he chooses.

Se?or Chang:
What up, n-bombs? How's the funeral? Awesome?

Jeff Winger:
No, Chang, our friend's funeral was not awesome.

Troy Barnes:
I've never been to Legoland. I just wanted you guys to think I'm cool.

Mr. Stone:
Abed Nadir, did you know that you're insane and nothing that you said ever said made any sense to me?

Abed Nadir:
Yep.

Mr. Stone:
Here's your sperm.

Annie Edison:
[about Troy leaving] Somebody say something! Abed?

Abed Nadir:
Cool. Cool cool cool.

Mara:
That's a lie.

Carl - Board Member #1:
I think I've heard enough, and I don't see what choice I have. Greendale Seven - Jeff Winger, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorn, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett, Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes - you are hereby expelled from Greendale Community College. May god have mercy on your souls.

Delivery Guy:
Wait, there are other timelines?

Jeff Winger:
[to Britta] You seemed smarter to me when I met you.

Britta Perry:
Annie has a point. The death of a peer, especially at our age, can trigger a whole range of emotions. As a psychologist...

Jeff Winger:
Student.

Britta Perry:
...I hereby offer my licensed...

Jeff Winger:
Unlicensed.

Britta Perry:
...services as a grief counsellor.

Jeff Winger:
Grief causer.

Britta Perry:
If anyone needs to talk, the doctor...

Jeff Winger:
Not even close.

Britta Perry:
...is in.

Abed Nadir:
I probably mentioned in the past my fondness for a TV program called Cougar Town.

Jeff Winger:
Here and there.

Abed Nadir:
I even started a Cougar Town fan club on Facebook. Not to accomplish anything, mind you. Simply to express my love for the show. Well, it ended up being quite large, this fan club, and one morning, I think it was maybe early March, I got this Facebook message. A very nice message from the people who make Cougar Town.

Jeff Winger:
Looking for work?

Abed Nadir:
No, thanking me, Jeff. You know, for all the support I generated for the show. And in the last paragraph, they said: "If you'd like, you could come visit the set." Just like that.

Jeff Winger:
Well, that's cool of them.

Abed Nadir:
Mhm.

Jeff Winger:
I guess that kind of makes them the Pulp Fictions of people. Man, how great was that movie?

Abed Nadir:
Yeah. So I sold a few of my action figures, and I bought a round-trip ticket to Los Angeles.

Jeff Winger:
Wait, you went? When?

Abed Nadir:
Over spring break. What could I do? Two days after I got that invitation, I was on the set of Cougar Town, Jeff. Cougar Town.

Jeff Winger:
Look, if you want me to take it seriously, stop saying its name.

Abed Nadir:
You laugh, Jeff, but the people were wonderful, you know. Not just the actors, but the crew, everyone. There must have been 200 people, each with a specific function, but all dedicated to a single purpose. It was like a village or like a living thing. And, you know, I'm talking to the director, and he says: "Why don't you jump into the background?" I say: "Nah, wait a minute. Jump into the background of what, exactly?" And he says: "Jump into the background of this scene. Walk through it. Walk through Cougar Town." "Thank you." Well, before I can react, this girl takes me by the hand, and she stands me behind this patio where Courteney Cox and the actors are doing their scene. And the girl says: "Now, when you hear 'action,' I want tyou to walk from here to there, right?" That's when I really started to panic, Jeff, because if I'm a person that watches Cougar Town, how can I be in Cougar Town, you know? And the more I start thinking about it, the less any of it makes any sense at all. And I just want to turn and run, but it's too late, because the director's calling "action!" So before I take my first step, I realize that I have to stop being someone who's ever seen the show and become a character on the show. Become a man from Cougar Town. You know, someone born there, whose name, I decide, is Chad. And I take my first step, as a child might, learning to walk as Chad. And with each step, becomes easier. And with each step, I start remembering things from Chad's life, like his first kiss under the big tree at Cougar Town field. Playing soccer at Cougar Town Junior High. Finding my first chest hair in the shower, my first apartment, my first true love falling for my best friend, birthdays, weddings, car crashes, playing charades at Thanksgiving. Chad had lived, Jeff. You know? Chad had lived more than Abed. And then they called "cut," and the scene was over. But I wasn't ready stop being Chad, so I said to the director: "Can we have one more take?" But they were already moving on. Courteney had nailed it. My lips started trembling, and my hands and feet went numb, my knees buckled, and as I fell to the floor, I pooped my pants. I did. Because the truth is, Jeff, I had been Chad, and Chad was dead. But as Abed, I was still alive, so someone helped me up. And the wardrobe lady came over. She gave me new pants. I thanked everyone, I apologized, and went straight to the airport.

Jeff Winger:
[stunned pause] Um, your food's getting cold.

Abed Nadir:
Oh, how silly of me.

Jeff Winger:
Conversation was invented by humans to conceal reality. We use it to sweet-talk our way around natural selection, You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals into each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tracks. Bleh! "Which way's the picnic?" Bleh! "That way." Humans are more evolved. We lie.

Abed Nadir:
Not all the time.

Jeff Winger:
That's a lie.

Abed Nadir:
We don't lie when we're alone.

Jeff Winger:
Biggest lie ever. Nine out of ten lies occur six inches away from the bathroom mirror. We do most of our lying alone.

Abed Nadir:
How is it even possible to lie when you are alone?

Jeff Winger:
You can call a phone sex line. That's lying to yourself.

Abed Nadir:
No, that's just being honest with a stranger about being lonely.

Jeff Winger:
What if you're dishonest about why you're lonely? What if you're a good-looking guy who calls a phone sex line and tells them he weighs 400 pounds, just so he can hear a woman say she's attracted to him anyway?

Abed Nadir:
Well, I don't believe that happens.

Jeff Winger:
Wrong. That's me! I did that last week.

Abed Nadir:
But why would you pay a woman on the phone to think you're fat?

Jeff Winger:
Because I'm scared that if I were overweight that no one would like me. God, that feels good to admit! Abed, the point being... [puts his constant-buzzing phone into his drink] The point being, you don't have to worry about being normal, or real, or whatever this is tonight. The world is a sick place, full of sick, sick people.

Jeff Winger:
And I said: "No, that's a girl's costume." And my mom said: "It's fine. Indian boys have long hair and braids too." There was only 45 minutes left to trick-or-treat, so what could I do? I put the damn thing on, and I went door-to-door. And everyone was going: "Oh, what a pretty little girl!" And by the third house, I stopped correcting them. I mean, why draw attention to it? And honestly, once the shame and the fear wore off, I was just glad they thought I was pretty.

Officer Cackowski:
And before I go, you really shouldn't be using this to prop open your building's door. This is an antique fire brick, I'd say pre-civil war. And note the uneven orange hue and the embossment on the back. Quite a nifty little piece of Americana, you could get fifty, sixty bucks for it from the right collector. [blank stares] I watch a lot of Antiques Roadshow.

Jeff Winger:
What do you mean Greendale doesn't exist?

Dr. Heidi:
Well, there is a place called Greendale and you all spent three years there, but it was not a community college. These memories that you people have been sharing are a shared psychosis. You were patients there together, you were released together, and I'm alarmed to see that you are now relapsing together.

Britta Perry:
Did anybody bring anything that isn't poison? I need to eat natural, organic foods, or I'm never gonna get rid of this hangover.

Jeff Winger:
[looks away] Oh hey, is that a reason to leave?

Shirley Bennett:
God Bless you!

Jeff Winger:
Not lately.

Jeff Winger:
This proves you are a kidnapper. What the hell is wrong with you?

Se?or Chang:
I'm nuts, Jeff! Get with the program!

Pierce Hawthorne:
Now I gotta start the whole joke all over again. Okay, so this...

Britta:
No!

[slams fist against the table]

Britta:
I've got one for you. A doddering, old fool walks into a bar, tells a stupid joke, and I crush his windpipe with my 3-ring binder.

Shirley Bennett:
[Giggles]

Shirley Bennett:
I don't get it.

Jeff Winger:
Britta, I'm saying this because I care about you and I'm your friend. You need to start smoking again.

Troy:
[Watching Abed's film, he sees a character like him also named Troy] This is wrinkling my brain.

Abed's Troy:
This is wrinkling my brain.

Troy:
*That's* wrinkling my brain!

Professor Whitman:
Jeffrey, as debate coach, I am offering you the opportunity to spend the night drinking from the cup of life, rather than romancing your nether regions in front of the E! channel.

Jeff Winger:
Ugh!

Annie Edison:
What's wrong?

Jeff Winger:
I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.

Annie Edison:
It's called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

Jeff Winger:
I hate it!

Annie Edison:
Well get used to it! You're knee-deep in it now, brother. This is debate!

Jeremy Simmons:
[after he propels himself from his wheelchair and Jeff catches him] He hates me, yet he caught me. Man is good.

[Annie kisses Jeff, who then drops Simmons]

Annie Edison:
He was horny, so he dropped him. Man is evil.

Professor Whitman:
You remind me of a young me, but with slightly worse hair.

Annie Edison:
Maybe Simmons is right. You really are all sizzle and no steak. You probably couldn't beat him if you tried.

Jeff Winger:
What do you mean I can't beat him? You and I are going to study harder than we've ever studied before and beat City College tomorrow.

Annie Edison:
Really?

Jeff Winger:
No. Who am I? iCarly?

Professor Whitman:
Little trick for achieving the proper competitive mindset: I always envision my opponent having aggressive sex with my mother.

Britta Perry:
Pierce. So Gilbert knows a couple tricks. Big deal. We outnumber him. Most importantly, while he's fighting for greed, we're fighting for friendship. Which means we can't lose, okay?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Okay.

Britta Perry:
Okay!

[Britta strikes and kills Pierce]

Britta Perry:
I guess there's no hug button.

Blacksmith:
I buy and sell weapons and armor. [opens a menu]

Annie Edison:
Cool. We need weapons. [looks through the expensive weapons] Oh. What's free? Can we have a torch? [she picks up a torch from the wall]

Blacksmith:
Thief! Thief!

Shirley Bennett:
Annie, put it back.

Annie Edison:
Sorry. [she tries to put the torch back on the wall and sets the blacksmith on fire] Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!

Shirley Bennett:
Oh my God.

Annie Edison:
It was an accident!

Shirley Bennett:
He's dying!

Annie Edison:
Hold on hold on hold on! [she takes out an ax and hacks the blacksmith to death]

Shirley Bennett:
Now, what are you doing?

Annie Edison:
Well, he was suffering!

Shirley Bennett:
Yeah, from ax wounds!

Jeff Winger:
Oh, great. Gilbert. [gets shot at with ray beams] Oh, great. Evil-Jedi-Lightning Gilbert.

Abed Nadir:
I'm gonna stay here in the village with Hilda and help her rebuild her life.

Britta Perry:
Abed, she's a programme.

Abed Nadir:
People have said similar things about me.

Jeff Winger:
What the hell, Gilbert? You're cheating, which I have no problem with, but you're getting caught, and that's not cool.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Yeah, don't be a knob. That inheritence is rightfully mine.

Gilbert Lawson:
Rightfully?

Pierce Hawthorne:
I'm his son.

Gilbert Lawson:
So am I.

Pierce Hawthorne:
What? That can't be true. You're half... white!

Jeff Winger:
Nice save.

Jeff Winger:
Okay, look. I know things seem hopeless because he's all the way to the castle with the crystal and we're starting over. But here's the thing: We're better at this game now. We've died and been reborn, and makes us heroes! [Everybody cheer and move forward with new enthusiasm. They then move through the first door and get eaten by cannibals, dying again]

Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir:
Troy and Abed shooting lava!

Pierce Hawthorne:
You never lived anywhere! You're a weapon designed for sex. You only THINK you lived in New York because I implanted memories.

Troy Barnes:
Vice Dean Laybourne. You have a beard. And a ponytail.

Vice Dean Laybourne:
I'm going through some stuff right now, Troy. Don't worry about it.

Garrett Lambert:
There's a situation developing in the study room! I'd elaborate, but I'm out of breath because I walked here very briskly!

Dean Pelton:
Mr Guzman, Luis, and can I just say, I loved you in... in... IMDb.

Pierce Hawthorne:
I'm an actor, not a circus freak!

Dean Pelton:
Cut! Cut! Lose the bald cap!

Jeff Winger:
What?

Dean Pelton:
I don't like it. It's hokey. It's fake. Take it off.

Dean Pelton:
This isn't Hollywood, Pierce. If it was, these glasses would be tinted and I'd be friends with Stevie Nicks.

Shirley Bennett:
We've got to do something about Pierce and those painkillers.

Jeff Winger:
He's recovering from broken legs

Troy Barnes:
I'll say. He can moonwaaaalk!

Jeff Winger:
I'm sure he's almost through his prescription. Besides he's a baby boomer, they invented drugs.

Britta Perry:
Yeah, they also invented tv, have you seen him control one of those?

Annie Edison:
[pointing at the others] Intervention? Intervention? Intervention?

Jeff Winger:
Count me out.

Shirley Bennett:
We can't count you out, he listens to you.

Jeff Winger:
Well he also listens to the Barenaked Ladies, go get their dumb asses to help you.

Troy Barnes:
[everyone gasps in horror] Okay Jeff, you are clearly in a bad space today, but Pierce is our friend, and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum, are you?

Jeff Winger:
Why does everyone leap to defend that band so aggressively and how much stuff do we have to go through this year before my friendship stops being questioned?

Annie Edison:
Well maybe friendship is about going through a lot of stuff Jeff, and maybe BNL has two Billboard Awards to your zero!

Jeff Winger:
Oh, okay, they're BNL now? We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are

Abed Nadir:
Fundamental.

Jeff Winger:
You know what Pierce probably needs more than anything? Some space. Maybe I do too.

Britta Perry:
[yelling angrily] You know what? Maybe we all need some space, to pull the knife out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt-rock band of the mid 90s, you selfish, jaded, ass!

Troy Barnes:
Why does being a librarian make her even hotter?

Abed Nadir:
They're keepers of knowledge. She holds the answers to all of our questions, like "Will you marry me?" and "Why are there still libraries?"

Troy Barnes:
I wanna be a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages, make sure nobody drew wieners in me.

Jeff Winger:
This isn't a party!

Se?or Chang:
Better not tell that to Magnitude.

Jeff Winger:
Who the hell is Magnitude?

[Magnitude struts in]

Magnitude:
Yo yo yo! Pop pop!

Jeff Winger:
Chang, what are you doing here and how do you know where I live?

Se?or Chang:
I can answer both of those things by returning your drivers license.

[holds up Jeff's license]

Troy Barnes:
Jeff, what do you do when you and your best friend both want to ask out a girl to the Valentine's dance but neither of you have dibs because you both fell in love at first sight?

Jeff Winger:
Well, I don't believe in dibs, or love at first sight, or love, or best friends, or doing things, but it's good you brought this to me.

Jeff Winger:
I'm a stylish American, Professor. I've been forcing myself to be into soccer since 2004.

Jeff Winger:
It might not shock you guys to hear the real reason we had a fight today. It wasn't about the Barenaked Ladies. Although I do have some unsolved issues there. Caring about a person can be scary. Caring about six people can be a horrifying, embarrassing nightmare. At least for me. But if I can't say it today, when can I say it? I love you guys. Oh, and Pierce? Take it from the expert. These knuckleheads are right outside your heart. Let them in. Before it's too late. Happy Valentine's Day.

Abed Nadir:
Yes, yes, yes.

Abed Nadir:
There is skill to it.

Abed Nadir:
More importantly, it has to be joyful, effortless, fun.

Abed Nadir:
TV defeats it's own purpose when it's pushing an agenda, or trying to defeat other TV or being proud or ashamed of itself for existing.

Abed Nadir:
It's TV, it's comfort.

Abed Nadir:
It's a friend you've known so well, and for so long you just let it be with you and it needs to be okay for it to have a bad day or phone in a day.

Abed Nadir:
And it needs to be okay for it to get on a boat with Levar Burton and never come back.

Abed Nadir:
Because eventually, it all will.

Jeff Winger:
[Jeff has told everyone to close their eyes so Annie's "Disney face" won't make them feel sorry for her] Abed! Closed!

Abed Nadir:
It's ok. I can only relate to people through...

Abed Nadir:
[Looks at Annie, seems to be faltering]... movies.

Jeff Winger:
She's the Ark of the Covenant!

Abed Nadir:
Ah!

Abed Nadir:
[Covers eyes]

Jeff Winger:
Now she is going to make the Disney face. Her lips will quiver and her eyelids will flutter, but they will not close.

Annie Edison:
Go ahead! Hate me! It's better than what was going to happen. We were gonna drift apart and you all were too cool to do anything about it.

Britta Perry:
Maybe not too cool. Just, you know, not psycho enough.

Doctora Escodera:
Okay, in English. You will be taking a standard exam for students at your level. It will cover this entire textbook.

Jeff Winger:
El crapo.

Jeff Winger:
Friends don't do what you did to us. Did the sisterhood of the travelling pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they mailed each other pants!

Jeff Winger:
Nobody even think about going after her. That's what she wants, more personal drama so we fail the exam and stay in Spanish forever. We have to beat her. Don't text her, don't call her, don't mention her. We do not need her to study. [opens his Spanish book and stares at a page] Does anybody know how to study?

Abed Nadir:
Annie usually...

Jeff Winger:
Whose side are you on?

Pierce Hawthorne:
[trying to imitate Jeff who's ditched the group] If he gets any nuttier, they're going to put him on "The View".

Se?or Chang:
Let me rest gently on your pecs.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Don't, don't, don't, uh, lock your knees. Never lock your knees. You know what happens when you lock your knees? You die.

Rich:
First, I need to know something. Was anybody bitten before they came in here?

Se?or Chang:
Ya bit? Huh? Ya bit?

[Rich turns into a zombie]

Rich:
[slurred speech] I thought that maybe I was special.

Britta Perry:
Special? You're not special! I'm special!

[she pulls up her sleeve to reveal a bite mark on her arm]

Britta Perry:
I was bit ten minutes ago and I'm...

[her speech slurs as she turns into a zombie]

Jeff Winger:
Oh, great - nobody's special!

Abed Nadir:
[to Troy] Make me proud. Be the first black man to make it to the end.

[Troy re-enters the zombie infested library in his Power Loader costume]

Troy Barnes:
That's right. Witness the power of imagination!

[the zombies easily rip his armor off]

Troy Barnes:
Okay. I don't know why I thought this would work.

Annie Edison:
Guys? Shirley's costume is once again unintentionally ambiguous. I don't know who she's supposed to be, but she's definitely not Miss Piggy. Repeat: not Miss Piggy. You're on your own.

[zombie Annie approaches Troy wearing her Little Red Riding Hood costume]

Troy Barnes:
Annie. My, what big fists you have. In your face!

[punches her]

[Jeff, Troy, and Abed sneak through the basement]

Jeff Winger:
Quiet, nerds! Do you hear something?

[They sneak forward. Suddenly, a cat jumps in front of them]

Jeff Winger:
Jeez! [laughs] It was just a cat. Let's keep going.

[They continue through the basement. The cat jumps in front of them again]

Troy Barnes:
Holy crap!

[They continue to sneak through the basement. The cat jumps in front of them again]

Jeff Winger:
What is up with that cat?

Troy Barnes:
Is someone throwing it?

Abed Nadir:
Keep going.

[They continue. The cat jumps in front of them again]

Jeff Winger:
You know, let's not keep going. Because there's an insane cat down here!

Troy Barnes:
But what about the zombies?

Jeff Winger:
Back burner, Troy! This cat must be dealt with!

[Chang approaches Jeff and Britta dressed as a female figure skater]

Se?or Chang:
Guess who I am.

Britta Perry:
Michelle Kwan?

Se?or Chang:
Wrong.

Jeff Winger:
Kristi Yamaguchi?

Se?or Chang:
Peggy Flemming. And you have just been proven racist by the racist prover.

Se?or Chang:
Guess who I am.

[the zombies turn to him and moan]

Se?or Chang:
Or don't. [runs]

Rich:
[checking someone's temperature] A hundred and two. This may be food poisoning.

Dean Pelton:
Rich. What did I tell you?

Rich:
To rule out food poisoning.

Dean Pelton:
Yes, that's true. But especially don't say it out loud. [Star-Burns visits the quarantine area dressed as a pirate]

Star-Burns:
Who wants to walk my plank, huh? [Pierce grabs his arm and bites him. Everyone screams]

Rich:
Okay, I'm ruling out food poisoning.

[zombie Leonard, dressed as a pumpkin, makes a move on Shirley]

Shirley Bennett:
Leonard, behave yourself. I'm a Christian woman. [Leonard persists and Shirley holds up her index finger]

Shirley Bennett:
Leonard, you better back that pumpkin ass up or I'm gonna make a pie.

Abed Nadir:
Where's your costume?

[We see Troy with his shirt off, wearing a toilet seat cover around his neck with "Dracula" written on it]

Troy Barnes:
Trying something new.

Abed Nadir:
But our costumes go together. If you're not who you are, then I'm just some guy in a spandex suit and a bike helmet.

Troy Barnes:
Well, I'm a sexy Dracula.

Abed Nadir:
You mean vampire.

Troy Barnes:
I don't need to know which Dracula to know I'm a Dracula. Nerd.

[the study group takes shelter in the study room]

Troy Barnes:
Shouldn't we be barricading the doors?

Abed Nadir:
No, I think we're okay.

[he peeks through the blinds and sees a zombie throw herself against the window]

Abed Nadir:
Let me help you.

[Rich, dressed as a banana, examines Star-Burns after Pierce bites him]

Rich:
His symptoms are progressing even faster than everyone else's.

Annie Edison:
How much of that taco meat stuff did you eat, Star-Burns?

Star-Burns:
I didn't eat any. My name's Alex.

Annie Edison:
Whoa, it must have transferred through Pierce's bite.

Rich:
I think you're right. Hey, you make quite the little nurse.

Annie Edison:
Thank you, Rich. You are quite the banana.

Star-Burns:
Why don't you guys just get a room? [Turns into a zombie]

Rich:
Hey, Jeff. It's me, Rich from pottery class. Doc Potterywood, remember?

Annie Edison:
Rich, not now! Guys, there's some kind of infection at the party that's making people act weird and bite others. We need to coordinate an orderly evacuation without causing unnecessary panic.

[we hear a woman scream and see her being bitten by infected Leonard]

Troy Barnes:
Holy crap! Leonard's a zombie!

Abed Nadir:
There. There's a window. If we climb that chain-link fence, we can get up the wall and squeeze through it.

[Jeff looks at the door, then his suit]

Jeff Winger:
I vote we take the door.

Abed Nadir:
He doesn't want to dirty his suit.

Troy Barnes:
For real?

[Jeff opens the door and lets the zombies in]

Jeff Winger:
Clothes make the man, Troy. What the hell?

[the zombies wrestle Jeff to the floor. Zombie Rich enters wearing Jeff's jacket]

Jeff Winger:
That's my jacket! My jacket! You're stretching it! You're stretching it!

Annie Edison:
So what are you guys doing this weekend?

Pierce Hawthorne:
The question is, who am I doing this weekend?

Jeff Winger:
He's asking because he forgot. It's nobody.

Troy Barnes:
Do you know how many sitcoms have done the "secretly replacing a broken priceless item" bit? Because Abed does! Abed knows everything, so don't think that you can think your way out of this with your... thinkiness!

Shirley Bennett:
Jeff, you don't have to worry about what foreigners think of you. That's your birthright as an American.

Troy Barnes:
Let's not jump to thing doing.

Jeff Winger:
What are you guys doing here on a Saturday night? Shouldn't you be making weird art movies or well-engineered cars?

Abed Nadir:
The night beckons, like a finger curling and uncurling as if to say "Hey, come here".

Troy Barnes:
You moving in here was supposed to tone us down!

Young Shirley:
I took this boy all the way to Tinkletown!

Britta Perry:
I'm volunteering at the animal hospital.

Troy Barnes:
[excited] Animal hospital?

Abed Nadir:
The animals are the patients.

Troy Barnes:
Oh. That makes sense.

Juergen:
We came to play. Get away from our table.

Shirley Bennett:
We're usin' it, strudel-brain.

Jeff Winger:
Nice.

Juergen:
Then play us for it.

Shirley Bennett:
Fine. Monday morning. Only let's make it interesting: The losers never get to use this table again.

Juergen:
Oh, you are so on that things have now become very much like Donkey Kong.

Jeff Winger:
You're just as selfish as I am - you're just not as good at it yet.

Jeff Winger:
This decision has to be yours, T-Bone. And this decision has to be yes.

Troy:
How did you know my nickname was T-Bone?

Jeff Winger:
Because you're a football player and your name begins with "T." Your name... begins... with "T."

Annie Edison:
Troy, I've been waiting for an hour!

Troy:
It's all right, I'm worth it. Hip, hop, body don't stop, Riverside got the broom, don't need a mop. Put your team in a box, put a ribbon on top, we're not John Kerry 'cause we don't flip flop. Say ohhh...

Annie Edison:
Troy. Why are you doing our politically conservative high school's shamefully outdated fight rap?

Troy:
Oh bing, bong, sing along. Your team's Al Gore 'cause your views are wrong.

Troy:
Greendale, we're number one! Nancy Pelosi is no fun!

Abed Nadir:
Will they or won't they? Sexual tension.

Jeff Winger:
Abed, it makes the group uncomfortable when you talk about us like we're characters in a show you're watching.

Abed Nadir:
Well, that's sort of my gimmick. But we did lean on it pretty hard last week. I can lay low for an episode.

Dean Pelton:
Troy, did you know that Greendale has a football team?

Jeff Winger:
Did you know they had a football?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Gentlemen, I present to you the Greendale Human Being.

Jeff Winger:
That's a falcon with a gun.

[Pierce turns the drawing on its side]

Jeff Winger:
Now it's a falcon with an erection.

Jeff Winger:
Maybe you and I should check out the Greendale Thunder Dome.

[Cut to Jeff and Troy at a bare-bones football field]

Jeff Winger:
The dome arrives later. It comes with thunder.

[Abed and Troy are playing with the PA system]

Abed Nadir:
Announcement number one: All announcements will be cool starting right now.

Troy:
Announcement number two: Butt soup.

Abed Nadir:
Announcement number three: I am not Hadji from "Jonny Quest", Jeff Winger.

Troy:
On security news, you guys gotta start locking the dean's door, so guys like us don't get in.

Jeff Winger:
I'm locked out of my old kingdom. You're not. You see what I'm saying?

Troy Barnes:
You're saying I could be a lawyer.

Jeff Winger:
I'm saying you're a football player! It's in your blood!

Troy Barnes:
That's racist.

Jeff Winger:
Your soul!

Troy Barnes:
That's racist.

Jeff Winger:
Your eyes?

Troy Barnes:
That's gay?

Jeff Winger:
That's homophobic.

Troy Barnes:
That's black.

Jeff Winger:
That's racist!

Troy Barnes:
...Damn!

Annie Edison:
[Holding a sign that says 'Deploy Troy!'] They deploy things in football, right? I went for rhyme over clarity.

Jeff Winger:
I just think we were both wrong.

Annie Edison:
Really? Because I'm an 18-year-old girl, and you made me cry in public.

Jeff Winger:
Okay, maybe I was a little more wrong.

Jeff Winger:
I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!

Troy Barnes:
That's racist.

Jeff Winger:
Your soul.

Troy Barnes:
That's RACIST.

Jeff Winger:
Your eyes?

Troy Barnes:
That's gay.

Jeff Winger:
That's homophobic.

Troy Barnes:
That's black.

Jeff Winger:
THAT'S racist.

Troy Barnes:
Damn.

Dean Pelton:
[blackmailing Jeff] Oh! Goodness. Look what we've stumbled on to, an opportunity to help each other out. I suppose I wouldn't need this promotional campaign if I could announce to the press that Troy Barnes is playing football here.

Jeff Winger:
I think he's been pretty clear about declining that offer.

Dean Pelton:
I think if you said "Jump", he'd say "How high?". If you said "Stomp", "he'd say "Hammer time!".

Pierce Hawthorne:
I think if we add in a little Phylicia Rashad, we'll be in better shape.

Dean Pelton:
Yeah, you're right. That beige is a little light.

Jeff Winger:
Um... Wow.

Dean Pelton:
Yeah. Yeah. We are developing the perfect mascot. No stereotypical identifiers from any race or gender.

Pierce Hawthorne:
You see, Jeff, this is a chart of the features we're staying away from: Pan-Asian eye folds, uh, Irish chins, women's breasts.

Jeff Winger:
Is that Seal?

Dean Pelton:
Oh, that is our human color wheel. It goes from Seal to Seal's teeth.

Pierce Hawthorne:
What do you think?

Jeff Winger:
I think not being racist is the new racism.

Britta Perry:
[after Jeff get shot with a paintball] See you at Denny's?

Jeff Winger:
Denny's is for winners.

Jeff Winger:
Everyone look alive! Leonard, close enough.

[pause]

Jeff Winger:
Greendale, it's been a pleasure fighting with you. Some of us won't make it, but there is a place where we will all see each other again, and that place is Denny's.

Leonard:
Which Denny's?

Jeff Winger:
We'll figure that out later, Leonard.

Leonard:
The one near the fifteen exit, I'm banned from there.

Jeff Winger:
Then I guess I'll see you in Hell.

Leonard:
Let's kick some taint!

Jeff Winger:
Do you happen to have a better plan?

Troy Barnes:
I do happen, Jeff. I happen *very* much.

Troy Barnes:
We just took down a professional paintball warrior.

Dean Pelton:
What? That is absurd! Why would someone who's paid to do things be at Greendale?

Garrett Lambert:
I don't take orders from girls. They don't talk to me.

[Two City College storm troopers come upon a poster on a door]

Storm Trooper #1:
[reading mockingly] Welcome to Greendale. You're already accepted.

Storm Trooper #2:
Losers!

[the storm troopers are shot through the poster]

Storm Trooper #2:
What the hell?

[the door opens to reveal Annie, Abed, and Shirley]

Annie Edison:
Welcome to Greendale.

Abed Nadir:
You're already dead.

Garrett Lambert:
I think I might be stuck in the vent! It's too early to tell!

Jeff Winger:
I came from here. I work here. My name is Jeff Winger. And you're Annie. And then Shirley.

Shirley Bennett, Tight Ship:
Aww.

Jeff Winger:
And Abed. And Britta.

Buzz Kill:
Britta? What kind of lame name is that? I wanna be Buzzkill, because of my awesome saw.

[makes sawing noises]

Jeff Winger:
You guys are my friends in real life. This is my imagination or something.

Dean Pelton:
Freeze, everybody! Don't make me zap you!

Jeff Winger:
Craig, it's me. Jeff.

Dean Pelton:
Oh, Jeffrey! Are you okay?

Abed Nadir:
No, he's not. Take it from an expert in delusion: If Jeff is hallucinating something this cool, something's wrong. He needs to get back.

Narrator:
GI Joe is the code name for America's daring, awesomely-trained, awesome mission force. Its purpose: to fight Cobra, because they're terrorists. Look, I think I'm over-explaining it: the bad guys are snakes and the good guys are Army people.

Tight Ship:
Um, excuse me, sir, why is Cobra attacking a tourist attraction with zero tactical value? And, with all due respect to India, why are we defending it?

Duke:
Wingman, Three Kids, Buzzkill, Tight Ship, you stand accused of violence, suggestive language, and mature situations unbecoming of GI Joe. What say you?

Wingman:
Look, I understand this is the first time a GI Joe killed anyone in all of recorded history. However...

Tight Ship:
However, to be truthful, this is a very disorganized militia.

Buzz Kill:
Yeah, what's anyone's rank? We're all just dressed like serial killers and strippers.

Three Kids:
I have three kids!

Wingman:
You guys are not helping. Duke, Flint, Scarlet, yes, it's true. I killed Destro and I promise not to do it again, but is it really a crime? Is Cobra not a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world? And if we never kill them, are we not basically on their side? And won't this war therefore last forever unless we finish killing Cobra or start killing ourselves?

Cobra Commander:
The first time I met Destro, he asked me if he should have his entire head coated in chrome. I said "No! How would you do that? How would that even work?" Look, I'm no good at eulogies because I've never had to give one. All I want to know is how did G.I. Joe do this? We've been shooting at each other and missing for twenty years! Now all of a sudden...

[his wrist communicator beeps]

Cobra Commander:
Unbelievable. What?

Vice Cobra Assistant Commander:
Cobra Commander, it's Vice Cobra Assistant Commander. We just got a very interesting energy surge at the Greendale site.

Cobra Commander:
Oh, okay. I'm super fascinated. Um... Destro's dead!

Vice Cobra Assistant Commander:
Oh my gosh, Destro... were you guys close?

Cobra Commander:
Were we close? Yes! What kind of a question is... okay, fine, I loved him! Is that what you want to hear?

Zartan:
Called it.

Cobra Commander:
Cobra! Avenge my totally platonic friend!

Vice Cobra Assistant Commander:
What is this, Major Dick?

Major Dick:
That is a request for hazard pay. Maybe you haven't heard, but we can actually die now.

Vice Cobra Assistant Commander:
You know we can't afford this.

Xim-Xam:
Oh, so we can afford to create a new model of weaponized vehicle once a week, but we basically get minimum wage to risk our lives.

Vice Cobra Assistant Commander:
Well, welcome to Cobra, Xim-Xam. Maybe you noticed our logo was a snake? Suck it up, guys! And while I have your attention, here. [hands them documents]

Xim-Xam:
What is this?

Vice Cobra Assistant Commander:
We have to lower the salaries. Our insurance is going up.

Xim-Xam:
No way!

Vice Cobra Assistant Commander:
Hey, you people can actually die now. It affects the health plan.

Cobra Commander:
Ah, look who'sssss conscious again.

Duke:
You're pretty selective with those snake S's.

Cobra Commander:
What are you, my life coach? I'd make fun of some physical detail about you, but there aren't any! You look like some Aryan foosball figure!

Cobra Commander:
Say, do you mind if we ask you a few questions about real life?

Wingman:
No problem.

Cobra Commander:
[to Duke] Ask him.

Duke:
So... what do boobies look like?

Wingman:
Wait, you don't know? You guys have never seen a naked woman?

Cobra Commander:
This makes me feel bad...

Wingman:
Have you guys ever tasted Scotch? Does Scotch liquor exist here?

Deep Dish:
[reveals a hidden tunnel behind a poster] For fifteen years, I have used my trademark spoons to excavate a tunnel, swallowing handfuls of dirt and rock with my meals, and listening only to Smash Mouth to justify this poster! Now, I am within inches of reaching the... [an explosion blows a hole in the wall next to him]

Duke:
Yo Jo-bra!

Wingman:
Get off me, I want to go home!

Cobra Commander:
Take me with you! I want to see women's b*obs!

Xim-Xam:
Before you fight me, G.I. Joe, you should be warned: I, Xim-Xam, have a twin brother named Mix-Max that feels all my pain!

Tight Ship:
And how is that supposed to affect us?

Xim-Xam:
...Psychologically? [Wingman shoots Xim-Xam. At that moment, Mix-Max is working in a restaurant]

Mix-Max:
[to a couple] Today's soup is a carrot puree with a... [falls to the ground and grabs his leg in agony]

Mix-Max:
OW, DAMMIT! Sorry, my twin brother is... it's pointless to explain.

Overkill:
[turns into duplicates] Which me is the real me? [cackles]

Fourth Wall:
[duh] The one in the middle!

Jeff Winger:
Annie, stop! You're acting like a little schoolgirl and not in a hot way!

[repeated line]

Garrett Lambert:
Crisis alert!

Jeff Winger:
Abed! What did I tell you? You can't just mumble nonsense. No one's cutting away.

Britta Perry:
Did you all hit your heads on each other's heads?

Jeff Winger:
Hey, Siegfried! Chair to dance?

Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir:
Troy and Abed in a bubble!

Abed Nadir:
But, Jeff, it's a graduation gift. You see, on the surface we seem like just a group of people from diverse backgrounds who have become unlikely friends. But according to my research, our paths have crossed many times. We were destined to meet, like a team of superheroes. This is our origin story.

Jeff Winger:
And here we go. Abed, we don't have origin stories. We have lives. Well, at least... [looks around the table] Yep, just me.

Britta Perry:
So you're saying we're all connected,like the classic French film trilogy "Bleu, Blanc, Rouge."

Abed Nadir:
No, like something more accessible, like "Unbreakable."

Britta Perry:
What are you guys doing here?

Jeff Winger:
I guess we all *really* wanted yogurt.

Abed Nadir:
I was looking for you.

Se?or Chang:
What? I...

Abed Nadir:
We discovered you're the reason we all went to Greendale. You linked all our stories, like how the Cosmic Cube assembled the Avengers. That, and the four billion dollar deal with Disney. Turns out you were always one of us. So I came to see if you wanted to get some frozen yogurt.

Se?or Chang:
Really? That's... That's all I ever wanted. But it's too late.

Abed Nadir:
Here's another thing I realised. Because of you, we got to reinvent ourselves at Greendale. Everyone should have the same chance, don't you think, Chang?

Se?or Chang:
It's not Chang. It's Kevin. [Abed just looks at him] How long have you known?

Abed Nadir:
Known what? Only you know who you really are. Also, you may have experimental monkey fever. You coming?

Se?or Chang:
[pauses] Yeah.

Se?or Chang:
I'm out. I Chang'd my mind.

Jeff Winger:
You're really doing this? Look, as someone who faked being a lawyer for seven years, I appreciate your commitment to the bit, but just admit you were wrong.

Britta Perry:
So you can say I Britta'd it?

Jeff Winger:
Yes, of course. That goes without saying. But come on, it was a small mistake. Call this off before it becomes a full-scale "Brittastrophe." I coined that.

Annie Edison:
So, Abed, I was thinking about what you said abou showing growth, and I was thinking maybe one way to do that is to meet new people and...

Abed Nadir:
Where's this going?

Annie Edison:
Can I set you up with a date for the Sadie Hawkins Day dance?

Abed Nadir:
Blind date. I've always thought of myself as more of an acquired taste, but okay.

Shirley Bennett:
Oh, if you're open to meeting someone, there's a number of eligible young ladies in my church.

Annie Edison:
Shirley, I'm already finding a date for Abed. I asked first.

Shirley Bennett:
There's no reason we can't both help Abed find someone. Why don't we each pick a girl and let Abed decide, instead of making it a competition?

Abed Nadir:
That's exactly a competition.

Jeff Winger:
I know it's probably impossible to read my texts without them sounding sarcastic, but I assure you, this one is as earnest as they come. Congratulations on an awesome dance. You Britta'd the hell out of this thing.

Annie Edison:
Whatevs, we'll take it next semes. Ter. Semester.

Annie Edison:
Showing up early, helping others, sending girls away? Could this be a whole new Jeff Winger?

Jeff Winger:
Don't ruin it by approving it.

Britta Perry:
You need to move on with your life.

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, Move on with my life? Shmove shmon shmith shmy shmife.

Britta Perry:
I was wrong, okay? Material possessions are important. Think how much happier the Jefferson's were than that family on "Good Times".

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, but they had good times.

Jeff Winger:
You are way out of your element here, aren't you?

Britta Perry:
Yes, and I do not believe a single word I am saying for me. But for you? Maybe you're one of those rare people with nothing underneath the surface. Maybe if you put stain remover on a turd, you don't get a diamond. You just get a turd with less direction in life.

Vaughn:
If you don't like my song, you don't have to listen, Britta, alright? I'm an artist, and I write what I feel. And I feel that you suck.

Jeff Winger:
[after Britta turns off the TV] Hey, what are you doing? That was "The Jeffersons," honky!

Shirley Bennett:
Jeff, do you need a place to stay?

Troy Barnes:
I'd offer, but my dad's kind of racist.

Abed Nadir:
You could stay with me in the dorms. My room has a bunk bed, which is kind of a misnomer, because it's the real deal.

Jeff Winger:
The next person that offers me charity or pity will be mentioned by name in my suicide note.

Jeff Winger:
I'm no sociopath. I always know what I'm doing is wrong.

Troy Barnes:
I told Pierce a thousand times, I never wanted to meet LeVar in person! I just wanted a picture. You can't disappoint a picture! I hate you Pierce!

Britta Perry:
Knock Knock.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Is that you death?

Britta Perry:
It's Britta.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Oh.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Vengeance? Aha I was never one to hold grudges Jeffrey. My father held grudges, I'll always hate him for that.

Britta Perry:
[pretending to be Jeff's estranged father] Hi. I'm Jeff's dad. Hi.

Jeff Winger:
[pretending to be Britta's dad] Oh, hi Jeff's dad. I'm Britta's dad.

Britta Perry:
What? why?

Jeff Winger:
I don't know. Got drunk, didn't have a condom, and her mom gets freaky when she hears Oingo Boingo.

Britta Perry:
Oh, God, I wish I could relate, but much like my son I'm a closet homosexual.

Jeff Winger:
Don't apologize for that. You're talking to the guy that banged Britta's mom. I have NO standards!

Britta Perry:
Well, what do you say we take a tumble? I'll put on a wig.

Jeff Winger:
That's it, you're under arrest; I'm an undercover cop.

Britta Perry:
It's not illegal to be gay.

Jeff Winger:
It is here in Iran.

Britta Perry:
Not if we're in the Green Zone.

Jeff Winger:
That's Iraq, stupid.

Britta Perry:
Well, what do I know? I'm Jeff Winger's dumb, gay dad!

Pierce Hawthorne:
I called everyone here so I could put my house in order. Bequeath parting gifts. Say my final words to each of you.

Troy Barnes:
Final word? You're gonna kill us?

Britta Perry:
I called everyone here so I could put my house in order. Bequeath parting gifts. Say my final words to each of you.

Jeff Winger:
Final word? You're gonna kill us?

Jeff Winger:
Oh, I should probably tell you. If you're lying to me, if my father isn't coming, if a car pulls up and anyone other than my father steps out, say an actor or you in a wig, if you pull any Ferris Bueller, Parent Trap, Three's Company, FX, FX2: the Deadly Art of Illusion bull- I will beat you. And there will be nothing madcap or wacky about it. Understood?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Crystal!

LeVar Burton:
You know, you are a very generous friend, but really stupid with your money.

Britta Perry:
It's not that I am selfish. It's just that I am really stupid with my money which is why I will never have a lot of it and because I am a really generous friend. Problem solved! Dillema deleted! Britta for the win! Thank God, he didn't take it, could you imagine bouncing a check to Kunte Kinte?

Jeff Winger:
Don't you dare to intercut with footage of me freaking out! [Cut to footage of Jeff freaking out]

Abed Nadir:
There is footage of you freaking out?

Pierce Hawthorne:
You know when I was 30, people used to wish I was dead to my face. Now that's respect.

Jeff Winger:
The biggest truths aren't original. The truth is ketchup. It's Jim Belushi. Its job isn't to blow our minds. It's to be within reach, and the truth is, I get claustrophobic when things get official.

Jeff Winger:
You keep a list of everyone based on how good-looking they are?

Dean Pelton:
Yes, we do... number two.

Professor Michelle Slater:
Dean Pelton?

Dean Pelton:
Yes, Professor Seven... uh, Professor Slater?

Troy Barnes:
Hey, you don't get to talk to me like that! You are not Shirley! And - Shirley's not my mom!

Jeff Winger:
This is based on hearsay. Less than hearsay: Pierce's Twitter account, which says he is forty and runs a women-only pilates class.

Shirley Bennett:
What is it about being a single white slacker that makes you people so jaded?

Britta Perry:
Ooh, you people? What do you mean "you people"? I cannot believe I got to say that.

Shirley Bennett:
It's the little things, isn't it?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Culturally it's unacceptable, but it's theatrical dynamite.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Troy, what you did took guts. I'm impressed.

Troy Barnes:
Thanks Pierce.

Pierce Hawthorne:
And such a creative way to tell the world you're gay.

Britta Perry:
Troy and I have something we'd like to tell you. [takes Troy's hand]

Annie Edison:
[gasps]

Britta Perry:
Oh, no, no.

Troy Barnes:
Girls are supposed to dance. That's why god gave them parts that jiggle.

Abed Nadir:
This is like being told you're our new mother.

Professor Michelle Slater:
But you know it's nothing like that?

Abed Nadir:
Do you cook macaroni?

Professor Michelle Slater:
I have.

Abed Nadir:
Macaroni's my favorite.

Professor Michelle Slater:
I didn't want or need anything more than what we were doing.

Jeff Winger:
Great. Let's get back to it.

Professor Michelle Slater:
Oh, but I can't because you went to the friend zone. That's you getting official, not me. Because unless there's something I need to know about the lunch lady or the blonde in your study group with the infinite supply of leather jackets, somewhere between our 8th and 11th time having sex, most people, statistically speaking, would say we're more than just pals.

Jeff Winger:
Yes, but once you say it things can get messy and complicated.

Professor Michelle Slater:
How?

Jeff Winger:
Because once you say it, later you might have to unsay it.

Professor Michelle Slater:
Whoopdie-freakin'-ding, Winger. It happens 5-million times a day. It's the Jim Belushi of sexual commitments. It barely means anything and it grows on what's there over time.

Jeff Winger:
Boy, this guy's really taking a pounding in this conversation.

[Troy works on a crossword puzzle]

Troy Barnes:
Broadway musical, five letters.

Abed Nadir:
Annie.

Troy Barnes:
Six letters, to penetrate.

Abed Nadir:
Pierce.

Troy Barnes:
Water filter, starts with "B".

Abed Nadir:
Britta.

Troy Barnes:
Four letters, Helen of...

Abed Nadir:
Troy.

Troy Barnes:
Four letters, one of acting brothers Bridges.

Abed Nadir:
Hmmm, that's a tough one. What could it be? What could it be?

Jeff Winger:
Guys? Don't you see? It's Beau! They're all things you can see on T.V. "Pierce" was a misdirect.

Annie Edison:
..."Our library's back door conundrum."

Abed Nadir:
Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.

Annie Edison:
Before we start, I'd like to have a preliminary pow wow, or prelimiwow, about what I'm calling our library's backdoor conundrum.

Abed Nadir:
Sounds like a porno with Kate Winslet.

Annie Edison:
Abed, Ew.

Dean Pelton:
Oh, look! It is my favourite study group. They all really typify the diversity we have here at Greendale. A ruggedly handsome leading man. A mom, an activist, a perfect student, a lifelong learner, a sidekick, and... Abed.

Troy Barnes:
I feel so free out here, like I'm my own man. If Jeff said we had have to live out here, I'd totally be down with that.

[the group members are sharing their secrets]

Jeff Winger:
I found the perfect girl for me, and then I met her kid. [the characters break out in song] I said it didn't bother me, but truthfully it did. I promised him I'd make it to a baseball game he had. But I bailed and never called again, and now I'm just exactly like my dad.

Britta Perry:
I am an activist, that's always been my choice. Truth is I've never voted, except when I watch The Voice.

Annie Edison:
I was struggling in history, I'm normally the best. I let Cornwallis rub my feet to give me all the answers to a test.

Troy Barnes:
I caused the Greendale Fire of '03. Fifty-five acres went up in a blaze, all because I burned an ant hill.

Jeff Winger, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Shirley Bennett:
This secret inside me was trapped beyond a doubt. And now my most terrible secret's out.

Balloon Guide:
[in a normal voice] There you are. Come on, guys.

Pierce Hawthorne:
[singing] I've never slept with the great Eartha Kitt. We dry-humped inside of her tour bus.

Jeff Winger, Britta Perry, Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, Abed Nadir, Shirley Bennett, Pierce Hawthorne:
This secret inside me was trapped beyond a doubt.

Jeff Winger:
And now my most terrible secret's out.

Shirley Bennett:
Thank you, Jeff. And I don't think you're anything like your father.

Jeff Winger:
I don't know how you take care of one kid, let alone three.

Shirley Bennett:
Aw, that's nice.

Annie Edison:
So nobody thinks I'm a slutty cheater?

The Group:
No.

Troy Barnes:
Or me as a criminal?

The Group:
No.

Britta Perry:
Nobody respects me any less as a political activist, right?

Annie Edison:
[after a slight pause] Well... [everyone in the group fall silent, not knowing what to say]

Jeff Winger:
[after a longer pause] The level to which we respect you as a political activist has definitely not changed.

Annie Edison:
That's how I would say it.

Troy Barnes:
Exactly.

Annie Edison:
Look at us! Our group's first grown-up Christmas party. Thanks for hosting. I hope you don't mind I brought a few things just to make the place look a little short-term corportate housing.

Jeff Winger:
Oh, well, mi casa es su art project.

Jeff Winger:
What is this?

Annie Edison:
Oh, I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff Winger:
You realise you've just put your friends in a very awkward position. A gift creates obligation.

Annie Edison:
I don't see it that way.

Jeff Winger:
Well, I do, and I think the others will too.

Shirley Bennett:
[knocks on the door and comes in] Merry Christmas! I know we said no gifts, but I couldn't resist.

Jeff Winger:
Oh, who couldn't have seen that coming?

Shirley Bennett:
Oh, Annie, I love what you did with the place.

Annie Edison:
It's a work in progress.

Troy Barnes:
[he and Britta come in] Good tidings, fellow Christmas celebrators. And to all a good wassailing.

Britta Perry:
I know we said no gifts, but we couldn't resist.

Jeff Winger:
There is a real problem with resistance in this group.

Magnitude:
Pop, pop!

Dean Pelton:
What is your platform... Magnitude?

Magnitude:
Pop pop!

[the crowd laughs]

Dean Pelton:
Same question.

Magnitude:
Same answer: Pop pop!

Dean Pelton:
Pierce, what's your platform?

Pierce Hawthorne:
My platform is one tall enough to push Vicki off of to her death.

[Vicki looks at Pierce in disgust and runs away]

Dean Pelton:
Vicki? Well, it appears Vicki has dropped out of the race.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Then, so do I. I only entered this to get back at Vicki for not lending me a pencil.

[Agent Keenlan inspects Abed's backpack]

Special Agent Glenn Keenlan:
He's clean. Although I should probably warn you about this bootleg copy of "The Last Airbender".

Abed Nadir:
Where were you a week ago?

Jeff Winger:
Well, that's an important question. And it's important to students like Jeremy, who told me today that he is majoring in Astronomy and is supporting two children. It's an important question to Maria, who's a beautiful Latina born in Nicaragua, working in the cafeteria. What will I do, dean? Well, these people don't want me to say what I'll do. They want me to do what I'll say.

Troy Barnes:
Hey, guys! The final debate!

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, about that. I'm out.

Annie Edison:
Me too. I decided that someone who would do that to a friend doesn't deserve to be president.

Troy Barnes:
Uh, yeah. I know that. You're missing the final debate! It's the biggest political showdown of all time!

[We see the final debate]

Magnitude:
Pop pop!

[Leonard blows a raspberry]

Magnitude:
Pop pop!

[Leonard blows a raspberry]

Magnitude:
Pop pop!

[Leonard blows a raspberry]

Magnitude:
Pop pop!

Jeff Winger:
You should have stayed in the running. You were the only real candidate.

Annie Edison:
Nah. I was just another jerk trying to win a contest. You were right the whole time. I just couldn't admit it until I saw you running away crying.

Jeff Winger:
[sarcastically] Yaaay.

Annie Edison:
I care what you think about me. You know?

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, well, I care what you think about me. That's why this happened.

Annie Edison:
Okay, well... Resolved, then.

Jeff Winger:
Resolved. [they hug]

Britta:
Why are you dressed like an 80's rapist?

Jeff Winger:
Hey! Troy sneezes like a girl!

Troy:
How about I pound you like a boy- that didn't come out right.

Abed:
My dad will only pay for classes that will help me run the family business. 9/11 was pretty much 9/11 for the falafel business.

Shirley:
Isn't Abed's dad like a hardcore Muslim? They're not as forgiving as Christians. He'll cut your head off with a salami sword.

Annie Edison:
Shirley! That is the most racist thing I've ever heard.

Jeff Winger:
Pierce will top that in one minute.

Troy:
[to Shirley] You're not my mother.

Pierce Hawthorne:
She's not?

Jeff Winger:
[Stops watch] 29 seconds.

Abed:
Our first assignment is a documentary. They're like real movies but with ugly people.

Abed:
Jeff, I think you should play the role of my father.

Jeff Winger:
I don't wanna be your father.

Abed:
That's perfect. You already know your lines.

Britta:
Abed, did you do all of that to me on purpose? That's not a very nice way to treat your friends.

Abed:
Well, Britta, it isn't called friend business. It's called show business.

Professor Whitman:
I think I shall have... [tears up menu]... a birthday cake!

[Professor Whitman has gotten the students to stand on their desks]

Professor Whitman:
All our lives, we're told "Don't stand on your desk." Well, why not?

[One student crashes to the floor after her desk collapses]

Abed Nadir:
Our first assignment is a documentary. They're like real movies but with ugly people.

Jeff Winger:
This is no way to teach accounting!

Britta Perry:
Shut up, Leonard, I know about your crooked wang.

Leonard:
No such thing as bad press.

Britta Perry:
Today is Abed's first therapy session.

Jeff Winger:
His what?

Britta Perry:
He's been feeling extra vulnerable lately, having lost Troy to the air conditioning repair school, so he's finally going to let me practice my psych skills on him! Give me some credit, Winger. What's the worst that could happen?

Leonard:
Classic tee-up.

Evil Abed:
You're worried you'll go crazy without Troy. That's why you're going to let Britta fix you, right? Because you think you're broken, you're going to get diagnosed by someone who said her favorite superhero was X-Man.

Jeff Winger:
That's the Winger-guarantee.

Shirley Bennett:
You were like a white Blair Underwood.

Britta Perry:
Shut up, Leonard. I know about your crooked wan.

Leonard:
No such thing as bad press.

Jeff Winger:
Your Honour. I have no closing statement because I'm throwing the case. No, no, it's okay. It's fine, don't worry. My client, Shirley Bennett, my friend for three years, told me that it was okay. She said what I want was more important. She's right, right? I mean, guys like me, we'll tell you there's no right or wrong. There's no real truths. And as long as we all believe that, guys like me can never lose. Because the truth is I'm lying when I say there is no truth. The truth is... the pathetically, stupidly, inconveniently obvious truth is, helping only ourselves is bad and helping each other is good. Now, I just wanted to get out of here. pass biology, and be a lawyer again instead of helping Shirley. That was bad. And my former colleague wanted so badly to keep his rich client that he just asked me to roll over in exchange for my old job. So I guess we all walked in here pretty bad. But now, Shirley's gone good. Shirley's helping me. It's that easy. You just stop thinking about what's good for you, and start thinking about what's good for someone else. And you can change the whole game with one move. Now, if you like this idea, you can make it true by doing something good for everyone here. Throw this case out of court. It's dumb. That is all.

Alan Connor:
Well, way to go, soft serve. You're finished. By the way, I never got a chance to tell you this, but it was me who turned you in to the state bar.

Jeff Winger:
I know. And I never got a chance to thank you.

Alan Connor:
This place has made you so gay.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Hey! Don't use "gay" as a derogatory term. Boo-yah! Good person.

Evil Abed:
When the world gets bad enough, Abed, the good go crazy. But the smart... they go bad.

Evil Abed:
Do you know what kind of person becomes a psychologist, Britta? A person that wishes, deep down, that everyone more special than them was sick, because "Healthy" sounds so much more exciting than "Boring."

Jeff Winger:
Hey uh, while I'm doing this, does anyone know any funny jokes?

Pierce Hawthorne:
I do!. An Irish and a Jew walk into a Chinese laundry; with a gay duck...

Annie:
[Pitying herself] I was so unpopular in high school, the crossing guards used to lure me into traffic!

Annie:
Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead, is sometimes referred to as Mexican Halloween.

Senor Chang:
Which is actually quite offensive to people familiar with Mexican Halloween as a sexual position.

Troy:
Jeff, Pierce took something and he is tripping balls! He is touching people and dancing weird. It's like Grumpy Old Men but not hilarious.

Senor Chang:
[about Professor Slater] Is there a breeze here? Because someone struck out!

Jeff Winger:
She blew you off too, Chang.

Senor Chang:
Is that what you have to fall back on? Look at me, bro. Look at me. I've got the body of a fifth grader. If I was working with what you've got, she'd be at the Comfort Inn right now giving me a Mexican Halloween.

Britta:
Nice of you to be here. I'm sure you'd rather be out with your hot professor.

Jeff Winger:
Well, it's funny. I enrolled here as a selfish loner, but you and the group have given me a crash course in friendship.

Britta:
She blew you off, huh?

Jeff Winger:
She's grading papers.

Senor Chang:
Professor Slater? She's not grading papers. She's at the faculty party in the cafeteria.

Jeff Winger:
Oh, look, it's the eavesdropping matador.

Senor Chang:
Are you saying my people are sneaky?

Troy:
[Abed is dressed as Batman] Can I ask you something I always wanted to ask the real Batman?

Abed:
[in Batman's voice] Yeah!

Troy:
Am I good looking?

Abed:
You're a very attractive young man.

Troy:
I knew it!

Abed:
[in Batman's voice] There's a storm brewing on the horizon, but you and I will save the night. Chex Mix, pretzels, baby carrots: predictable but appetizing!

Jeff Winger:
Batman?

Abed:
Yeah.

Jeff Winger:
Are you staying for the party?

Abed:
If I stay there can be no party. I must be out there in the night, staying vigilant. Where ever a party needs to be saved, I'm there. Where ever there are masks or if there's tom foolery in joy, I'm there. But sometimes I'm not because I'm out there in the night staying vigilant, watching, lurking, running, jumping, hurdling, sleeping. No I can't sleep. You sleep, I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I a bird? No, I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman. [Applies Chapstick] Happy Halloween.

Britta:
You're not going to Annie's party?

Jeff Winger:
I have a conflict. It conflicts with the enjoyment of my life.

Pierce Hawthorne:
What did you slip me? I keep grinding my teeth, and I wanna kiss everybody.

Star-Burns:
What did you give me? My heart stopped racing, and I can't pee.

Jeff Winger:
Pierce, stop grinding on the Women's Studies department. You are too old to be tripping.

Pierce Hawthorne:
I'm old?

[Puts hands on Jeff's shoulders, then stares at them]

Pierce Hawthorne:
Whose hands are these?

Troy:
Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Pierce is freaking out. You're the only one that can help!

Jeff Winger:
What makes you think that?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Is Jeff out there? He's the only one who can help!

Pierce Hawthorne:
Those floating Mexican skeletons were right. My life is over.

Jeff Winger:
Well, when we go to floating skeletons with our problems, we get what we pay for, don't we?

Jeff Winger:
It's this campus. It feeds on my coolness. I got no moves anymore!

Senor Chang:
Moves? Everything's a game to guys like you. I know one move I bet you've never tried in your life.

Jeff Winger:
What is it? [Chang whispers something in his ear]

Jeff Winger:
[strolls over to Professor Slater, sits down and stares into her eyes] Please sleep with me. Please. Pretty please. I'm so lonely. I haven't slept with anyone in a very long time, and you are so good looking. Please do me the favor of having sex with me.

Britta:
Whoa. Yippy-ky-ye. I thought you weren't a costume guy?

Jeff Winger:
You had to have one to get in here, Squirrel.

Britta:
Oh, so where did you get it? 'Cause I wouldn't think any costume stores would be open this late.

Jeff Winger:
Well I... I don't know what you're getting at...

Britta:
I think the words you're looking for are, "I own a cowboy outfit," and it is tight, too. Did you buy it like that? Your toy gun to my head, I'd say yes.

Professor Michelle Slater:
Hi, Michelle Slater, PhD.

Britta:
Britta Perry, GED.

Troy:
That's one of my biggest fears.

Abed:
What is?

Troy:
If I ever, like, woke up as a doughnut...

Abed:
You would eat yourself.

Troy:
I wouldn't even question it.

Abed:
Mmm. That'd be tasty.

Professor Michelle Slater:
Are you, like, a court appointed guardian for these people?

Buddy:
[while watching Britta and Annie wrestle] I don't even care who wins.

Buddy:
Britta cheated? Why?

Annie Edison:
You expect me to watch you do that without telling on you?

Jeff Winger:
That's a hard-hitting question, Annie. Are you a reporter?

Annie Edison:
No, they've got me editing the crossword because I'm a girl. And because I love crosswords!

Jeff Winger:
Well, now you love the streets. You're my ace news hound.

Annie Edison:
Ace? You can do that?

Jeff Winger:
We can do anything we want. It's Greendale. Now go find me that story. [Annie leaves]

Abed:
This character reboot is really gelling for you, Jeff. That was all classic Hawkeye. Sending soldiers out for liquor. Slyly sidestepping the problematic scrutiny of Annie "Hotlips" Edison. I should build you a still for making Hawkeye martinis.

Jeff Winger:
Of all your pop culture fixations, this is one I can work with, Abed.

Abed:
Call me Radar?

Jeff Winger:
When you've earned it.

Jeff Winger:
Who are you kidding, Abed? I just dragged a screaming, crying man out of a library with his pants down. No. Martinis are for Hawkeyes. I'm the same uptight jerk I was last semester.

Abed:
Jeff, what's your favorite episode of M*A*S*H?

Jeff Winger:
The one with, uh... the army.

Abed:
That's what I thought. If you'd ever actually seen the show, you'd know that Hawkeye didn't just bed nurses and drink martinis. He also had blood sprayed on his face and barked orders when the choppers came in. If he didn't, people died. He was a leader, Jeff. That's your job.

Pierce Hawthorne:
[Wearing a "World's Greatest Grandpa" t-shirt] Guess what happened to me.

Annie Edison:
Oh, Pierce, you became a grandfather?

Pierce Hawthorne:
No, I became even cooler. These ironic t-shirts are all the rage.

Jeff Winger:
You know what you guys sound like? Me last semester. [Points at Annie] Cynical... [Points at Shirley]... elitist... [Points at Abed]... rakishly good-looking.

Abed:
Thanks.

Jeff Winger:
No, it's fine. It's fine. it's just a little... little nosebleed. I get them when it's dry and when my face gets kicked.

Britta Perry:
Guys! Guys, let's take a vote.

Abed:
Secret vote. Everybody cover your eyes.

Annie Edison:
We won't know the results.

Abed:
Well, say your vote out loud.

Shirley Bennett:
We'll know each other's voices.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Troy's got a point.

Britta Perry:
Vacations are wasted on the young. You guys gotta get out there and see the world at some point, or you're gonna miss your entire lives.

Annie Edison:
Where did you go, Britta?

Britta Perry:
Amsterdam, I think. I'll know more when I find my camera.

Jeff Winger:
Annie's pretty young. We try not to sexualize her.

Abed:
Oh, you made me so happy I just peed a little.

[Leonard and the others abandon Pierce and Richard after dementia-ridden Richard crashes the Dean's car]

Pierce Hawthorne:
Richard, are you alright?

Richard:
Who's Richard? Is that me?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Yes.

Richard:
Then I'm fine. Who are those people running away? Are those my friends?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Now, that's a very good question.

[the study group finishes singing "Happy Birthday" to Troy]

Pierce Hawthorne:
That's weird. How come we only sang the last two words? What happened to the "happy birthday" part?

Shirley Bennett:
You know that Troy is a Jehovah's Witness and he doesn't celebrate birthdays.

Abed Nadir:
And we had to keep the language on the cake compliant.

Troy Barnes:
[reading the cake] Hello during a random dessert, the month and day of which coincide numerically from your expulsion from a uterus.

[Robert watches Abed play Asteroids]

Robert:
Oh, careful. If you score any higher, the Rylans are going to recruit you to fight their war against the Ko-Dan Empire.

Abed Nadir:
The Last Starfighter. Did you get the twenty-fifth anniversary Blu-Ray?

Robert:
Is Scorpius half Scarran/half Peacekeeper? Frell yes, I got Starfighter on Blu-Ray.

Leonard:
What it is, Soul Brother!

Disco Stu:
Study group! Come out and play-ee-ay

Jeff Winger:
Oh, look! It's post-ironic Disco Stu! You still trying to bring it back? [Sees more disco-clad people on quad skates roll in] Damn. He brought it back.

Abed Nadir:
[Hears singing in the distance] Glee club.

Britta Perry:
How do you know it's the Glee Club?

Abed Nadir:
Listen.

Annie Edison:
[Hears them sing a rendition of "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" by Pat Benatar] Oh, brother! [Gets up] That is *so* uninspired! [Gets shot]

Jeff Winger:
I'm not so sure...

Jeff Winger:
[after waking from an hour-long nap, he wakes up to the school seemingly empty and paint-splattered. He stumbles upon a paint-splattered guy sitting on the ground] What is going on?

Garrett:
The-the paintball game was-was s-starting, and the-the dean, the dean announced the-the prize. *The prize!* We-we turned on each other like-like animals!

Jeff Winger:
What was the prize?

Garrett:
*Was?* This is not over! This is still happening! *Right now!* [Get's shot by Leonard]

Jeff Winger:
Leonard? Leonard! I'm not playing!

Leonard:
*Everyone's playing!*

Jeff Winger:
*Checkmate B*tches!* [along with Troy and Abed, shoots Chess Team] And tell the Drama Club their tears will be real today.

Jeff Winger:
Write some original songs!

Abed Nadir:
Come with me if you don't want paint on your clothes.

[Shirley is "killed" in the paintball battle]

Shirley Bennett:
[sadly] I'm going home.

Britta Perry:
[sadly] Yes, you are.

Shirley Bennett:
No, seriously. I'm going home. Can you help me up?

Britta Perry:
Oh my God, you've been hit!

Jeff Winger:
What? Oh no! [checks red stain] Wait, wait... it's blood. [laughs] I thought it was paint but I'm just bleeding. Talk about luck!

Annie Edison:
Let's get back to Britta and Jeff.

Jeff Winger:
There is no Britta and Jeff!

Pierce Hawthorne:
He said, fully erect.

Pierce Hawthorne:
You guys formed an alliance without me?

Jeff Winger:
Yeah. You with Star-Burns?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Not if I can be with you.

[Shoots Star-Burns]

Star-Burns:
Ow!

Pierce Hawthorne:
It's okay, it's just Star-Burns.

Britta Perry:
Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize for you and your boys!

Shirley Bennett:
That's nice.

Jeff Winger:
Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize, but not for you or your boys!

Shirley Bennett:
That's less nice.

Jeff Winger:
Don't tell me you had sex with me just to win at paintball.

Britta Perry:
No. I had sex with you and I'm going to win at paintball. Don't be gross.

Shirley Bennett:
They remind me of Sam and Diane. I hated Sam and Diane.

Annie Edison:
Who are Sam and Diane?

Shirley Bennett:
All right, we get it. You're young.

Dean Pelton:
[after Jeff shoots his office] You get it all out of your system?

Jeff Winger:
[laughs] Almost. [Pulls a paintgun from behind his back and shoots Pelton in the forehead]

Dean Pelton:
What do you want from me, Jeffrey?

Jeff Winger:
Guess.

Annie Edison:
Freeze Mamma-jamma!

Troy Barnes:
You thinking what I'm thinking?

Shirley Bennett:
Mmm-hmm. Our team's walking with God.

Troy Barnes:
I'm thinking we may already be the only seven left. In which case, this is a window for the two of us to take out the others.

Shirley Bennett:
Real nice, Troy. That would great PR for the black students.

Troy Barnes:
I'm not an ambassador. I am a gladiator. Now, do you want to win or not?

[Troy gets shot]

Shirley Bennett:
Troy made God mad!

[the study group is pinned down by the glee club]

Jeff Winger:
Pierce! Do NOT come over here!

Pierce Hawthorne:
Screw you! I'm coming over there!

[Pierce crawls out from behind cover and gets hit multiple times]

Pierce Hawthorne:
Medic!

Jeff Winger:
None of us have to go to anyone, and the idea we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath-mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.

Jeff Winger:
Abed, you're a computer. Scan your mainframe for juicy memories!

Abed Nadir:
[Abed stares impassively at Jeff for several seconds as Jeff becomes more uncomfortable] Jeff and Britta have been having secret sex!

Jeff Winger:
We've known each other for almost two years now. And yeah, in that time I've given a lot of speeches, but they all have one thing in common: they're all different. These drug runners aren't going to execute Pierce because he's racist. It's a locomotive that runs on US, and the only sharks in that water are the emotional ghosts that I like to call fear, anchovies, fear, and the dangers of ingesting mercury. Because the real bugs aren't the ones in those beds. And there's no such thing as a free Caesar salad and even if there were, The Cape might still find a second life on cable, and I'll tell you why: el corazon del agua es verdad. That water is a lie! Harrison Ford is irradiating our testicles with microwave satelite transmissions. So maybe we ARE caught in and endless cycle of screw ups and hurt feelings, but I choose to believe that this is just the universe's way of molding us into some kind of super group.

Troy Barnes:
Like the Traveling Wilburys!

Jeff Winger:
Yes Troy, like the Traveling Wilburys of pain. Prepared for any insane adventure life throws our way and I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to every one of them.

Jeff Winger:
Fear. Anchovies. Fear. And the dangers of ingesting mercury.

[Abed sneaks through the cafeteria dressed as "The Cape", uses his cape to drag Jeff's dinner onto the floor, and runs away]

Jeff Winger:
The show's gonna last three weeks!

Abed Nadir:
Six seasons and a movie!

Troy Barnes:
Didn't we decide at the beginning of the year that for the good of the group we wouldn't allow any intimacy between each other or ourselves.

Jeff Winger:
Troy we never said ourselves

Troy Barnes:
Okay now I'm really mad

Shirley Bennett:
Can we please stop fighting? We're starting to hurt innocent perverts.

Annie Edison:
I'm talking about the 'Annie of it all'!

Jeff Winger:
Harrison Ford is radiating our testicles with microwave satellite transmissions.

Dean Pelton:
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a Dean!

Pierce Hawthorne:
Ghosts can't go through doors, stupid. They're not fire!

Britta Perry:
Calling for help? A classic... call for help.

Pierce Hawthorne:
If you knew what spooked me, you'd probably call me crazy and old.

Jeff Winger:
No one's going to call you, Pierce.

Abed Nadir:
I remember when this show was about community college.

Jeff Winger:
Of course. Otherwise, it wouldn't be pointless.

Se?or Chang:
Try not to wear as much lipstick as you did on Valentine's. Your mouth looked like a coin purse.

Annie Edison:
It's like Prom. There's a contest and if you win you get to wear a sash and a crown and I am so jealous Britta I wanna murder you. Aren't you excited?

Britta Perry:
Jeff doesn't need a girl who doesn't wear underwear because Oprah told her it would spice things up. He needs a girl who doesn't wear underwear because she hasn't done laundry in 3 weeks. He's been to flavor-country. They should retire the table we did it on.

Troy Barnes:
Oh, and for the record? There was an episode of Happy Days where a guy *literally* jumped over a shark. And it was the *best* one.

Annie Edison:
I can't believe I made it through my first year of college. I finally get to click send on so many I-told-you-so e-mails.

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, it's pretty great. Not much could ruin today.

Dean Pelton:
[jumps out of the bushes] HI!

Jeff Winger:
Oh no, shoot. I forgot saying that summons him.

Jeff Winger:
More importantly, our very own Britta Perry, it turns out, has been nominated for transfer queen.

Shirley Bennett:
Oh, that's nice!

Britta Perry:
What the hell is a transfer queen?

Annie Edison:
Like prom queen. You wear a sash, and there's a vote. If you win they put a crown on your head. And I am so jealous that I wanna murder you. Aren't you excited?

Britta Perry:
No. How did I get nominated?

Shirley Bennett:
Don't let it upset you, Britta. It's the last day of the semester. Nothing can ruin that.

Dean Pelton:
[popping up in the room] HI!

Jeff Winger:
Amazing. He's like an evil genie.

Dean Pelton:
Just spreading the news. Some folks say "transfer formal" isn't really rolling off the tongue, so we're just gonna call it the "tranny dance"!

Jeff Winger:
Much more Greendale.

Professor Michelle Slater:
You probably don't wanna talk to me.

Jeff Winger:
It's not junior high. We're mature adults, Michelle. We can talk.

Professor Michelle Slater:
I think I handled our breakup poorly.

Jeff Winger:
Before I respond to that, I'll have to take an extra-strength vitamin duh. [takes a fake pill and swallows] Duh.

Shirley:
We have to find this person for Abed, unless it's a boy and then we have to find him for Jesus, but either way, this is going to be fun!

Pierce Hawthorne:
Yes Abed, you need to be someone else. Someone who eventually gets a girlfriend because I can't think of anything more frightening than a half-Polish, half-Arab *virgin* in his thirties. One way or the other, that story ends with an explosion.

Annie Edison:
Se?or Chang, can you tell us who had this Spanish book last year?

Se?or Chang:
[Looks over book, puts it to his forehead and mumbles as he strokes a fake beard] Jenny Adams.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Oh, please. If all Chinese were psychic, they'd have invented birth control years ago.

Se?or Chang:
Her name's on the front of the book, morons.

Pierce Hawthorne:
If this is going to get ugly, I can't be here. I'm a two striker.

Troy Barnes:
You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, and he went on dope adventures, and if anything got in his way, he'd just pee on it.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Calvin Coolidge?

Abed Nadir:
I hate to spoil the ending for you, but pride goes out with prejudice.

Jenny Adams:
That's funny.

Abed Nadir:
I know. Stick with me and you'll get a laugh or two. That's the Abed guarantee.

Jeff Winger:
Well, I hate to say I told you so, so I'll shout it through cuffed hands. [cuffs hands] I told you so!

Abed Nadir:
So you guys are going to "Can't Buy Me Love" me.

Britta Perry:
We're going to what?

Abed Nadir:
Like the movie "Can't Buy Me Love". You're going to change me from zero to hero, geek to chic.

Troy Barnes:
Oh, he means we're going to "Love Don't Cost a Thing" him.

Shirley:
Oh!

Troy Barnes:
"Can't Buy Me Love" was the remake for white audiences.

Se?or Chang:
[to Annie] Them I understand, but how did you not think of that?

Annie Edison:
I may have been distracted by Britta's pronunciation of the word "bagel."

Se?or Chang:
How do you say "bagel"?

Britta Perry:
I don't.

Se?or Chang:
Come on.

Britta Perry:
Bag-el.

Se?or Chang:
Ugh. You're the worst.

Leonard:
You're going to look like an ass in those.

Jeff Winger:
Shut up, Leonard. I met your son on Family Day. I know about your gambling problem.

Leonard:
Touch?.

Annie Edison:
We have a name. It's Jenny Adams.

Pierce Hawthorne:
See it's a fat girl's name. Might as well be called Gravy Jones.

Jeff Winger:
Now are we gonna stand around and talk about clothes like a girl, or used tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned table, like a man?

Coach Bogner:
Balls, like a man!

Britta Perry:
He's not sexy. You should be like Jo from "Facts of Life"... but you know, the dude version.

Abed Nadir:
When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for others isn't such a big deal.

Jeff Winger:
Abed, you are a God. If you'll all excuse me, I have a man to beat in pool while wearing shorts.

Abed Nadir:
When you know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn't such a big deal.

Abed Nadir:
When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for others isn't such a big deal.

Jeff Winger:
What are you guys doing?

Abed Nadir:
They're teaching me to be someone else.

Jeff Winger:
Oh, for God's sake! What did I tell you guys?

Abed Nadir:
[imitating Jeff] Oh, for God's sake everybody, do whatever you want! Leave each other alone!

Troy Barnes:
Whoa! That's a good Jeff. How did you do that?

Abed Nadir:
10 % Dick Van Dyke, 20 % Sam Malone, 40 % Zach Braff in Scrubs, and 30 % Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry.

Jeff Winger:
...Zach Braff?

Abed Nadir:
Sorry.

Narrator:
The North Cafeteria, named after Admiral William North, is located in the western portion of East Hall, gateway to the western half of North Hall, which is named not after William North, but for its position above the south wall. It is the most contested and confusing battlefield on Greendale's campus, next to the English Memorial Spanish Center, named after English Memorial, a Portuguese sailor that discovered Greendale while looking for a fountain that cured syphilis.

Jeff Winger:
Come on, guys, let's wrap this up.

Abed Nadir:
I don't wanna.

Troy Barnes:
Me neither.

Jeff Winger:
Why not?

Abed Nadir:
This is gonna be the last thing we ever do together.

Troy Barnes:
We can't stop.

Jeff Winger:
Look, doesn't that kinda solve your problem, the realization that you like each other so much you'd hit each other with pillows forever?

Abed Nadir:
Knowing that doesn't feel like enough anymore.

Troy Barnes:
Yeah. We're grown ups now. We have grown up problems.

Jeff Winger:
That's very clear. Unless you use those magical friendship hats that I got for you.

Troy Barnes:
We're not stupid, Jeffrey. We know you made those sarcastically.

Jeff Winger:
Yes, yes. And I will roll my eyes at both of you when I put them on your heads, because that's the way I am. But that's not the way you have to be.

Abed Nadir:
We might be interested.

Jeff Winger:
Okay, then. Here's your magical friendship hats, and...

Troy Barnes:
Jeff.

Jeff Winger:
What?

Abed Nadir:
You left the magical friendship hats at the dean's office.

Jeff Winger:
Right. Of course. I'll go get them.

Annie Edison:
[on tape] So Jeff went out and he stayed out long enough to make them believe he had gone to the office. It was a nice touch.

Jeff Winger:
[back in the scene, with the imaginary hats] Here you go. Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?

[Troy and Abed use their secret handshake, and all is well]

Narrator:
[voice over] Britta Perry is there to immortalize the moment on film accidentally, while trying to get a moment of the light hitting a stack of nearby waffles.

Jeff Winger:
[voice over] First entry in my stupid journal. Today I had to run and get two imaginary friendship hats from an office. I could have just walked around the corner and then come back, but for some reason I actually went all the way back to where they were supposed to be. One was crumpled up a bit. That was Troy's. The other was a little dusty. That was Abed's. I fixed them up, even though I was the only one watching, because I settled on a truth today that's always going to be true. I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels, which finally makes me understand war.

Abed Nadir:
The war won't stop with First Blood: Part II. It will escalate to Rambo III. It should really be called Rambo: First Blood, Part III, but the Rambo titles never made sense. And neither does war. Abed Nadir, Facebook status update.

Leonard:
Leonard likes this post.

[Annie and Jeff narrate text messages to each other]

Annie Edison:
Jeff, heard from one of Troy's troops about a speech you gave at blanket fort. This war could be over. Proud of you for taking a stance. Text message, Annie Edison.

Jeff Winger:
Thank you, Annie. I'm proud of you too. Also wish the nightmare would end, but using what I'm given to help where I can. Jeff Winger.

Annie Edison:
Jeff, just heard from one of Abed's soldiers you gave an identical speech to troops of Pillowtown. WTF? Sad face, special icon of a downward thumb.

Jeff Winger:
Annie. Okay, you caught me. I prefer war to homework. How do you do that little thumb icon. I can't find it on my phone. Winger.

Annie Edison:
Jeff, you're disgusting. Troy and Abed's friendship is at stake! You can buy special icons in packages at the app store. Sushi, birthday cake, stop sign, snowman, umbrella. Annie Edison.

Narrator:
Chang has recruited a team of pre-teen security interns while moonlighting at a local bar mitzvah. They were later nicknamed the Changlourious Basterds. Like Inglourious Basterds but with "Chang" instead of "in". I don't get it either.

Annie Edison:
One of the soldiers said they were making trophies out of mattress tags. This was as ugly as things could get... while still being a pillow fight.

[During the final battle, the Dean interrupts with a whistle]

Dean Pelton:
Well, that's it! I just heard from the Guinness rep he's not coming! He's been fired in what he's described as the world's biggest mistake. I doubt that will make the next edition. Anyway, it's over! What a colossal waste of two and a half days!

Jeff Winger:
I see your value now.

Abed:
That is the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Troy:
Woah, you just wrinkled my brain.

Abed:
I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films.

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, well you have Aspergers.

Jeff Winger:
There is a guy trying out for the track team that is older than the game of poker.

Jeff Winger:
I discovered at a very early age that if I talk long enough, I can make anything right or wrong. So either I'm God or truth is relative. In either case, booyah!

Duncan:
Interesting, it's just that the average person has a much harder time saying 'booyah' to moral relativism.

Duncan:
I'm a Professor. You can't talk to me that way!

Jeff Winger:
A 6 year old girl could talk to you that way!

Duncan:
Yes, because that would be adorable.

Jeff Winger:
No, because you're a 5 year old girl and theres a pecking order!

Abed:
I'm sorry I called you Michael Douglas, and I see your value now.

Jeff Winger:
I'm in a bit of a jam. The Bar Association just suspended my license. Turns out my law degree was not legitimate.

Duncan:
I thought you had a Bachelor's from Columbia.

Jeff Winger:
Now I have to get one from America. And it can't be an e-mail attachment.

Jeff Winger:
I'm taking the class as an easy credit. I'm actually a Spanish tutor.

Britta Perry:
Oh, really? Say that in Spanish.

Jeff Winger:
You duermo tarde Espa?ol, una hora mas, no ara?es my coche. [Translation: I sleep late Spanish, one more hour, don't scratch my car]

Pierce Hawthorne:
I like you, Jeffrey. You remind me of myself at your age.

Jeff Winger:
I deserved that.

Duncan:
Have you ever heard of the saying "Cheaters never prosper"?

Jeff Winger:
Duncan, if I wanted to learn something, I wouldn't have gone to community college.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Why would I sexually harrass someone who turns me on?

Shirley Bennett:
You have been sexually harassing me since the very first day of class.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Sexually harassing? What? That makes no sense to me. Why would I harass somebody who turns me on?

Britta Perry:
So this is a game to you? You put human beings into a state of emotional shambles for a shot at getting in my pants?

Jeff Winger:
Why can't you see that for the compliment that it is?

Troy Barnes:
I'm gonna leave my homework with slumdog millionaire here.

Shirley Bennett:
That's borderline racist, I think.

Jeff Winger:
What makes humans different from other animals? We're the only species on earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do. For the same reason I can pick up this pencil, tell you it's name is Steve and go like this [breaks pencil] and part of you dies just a little bit on the inside. Because people can connect with anything. We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck and Academy Award for screenwriting. People can find the good in just about anything but themselves. Look at me. It's clear to all of you that I am awesome. But I could never admit that. That would make me an ass. But what I can do is see what makes Annie awesome. She's driven. We need driven people or the lights go out and the ice cream melts. And Pierce, we need guys like Pierce. This guy has wisdom to offer. We should listen to him some time. We wouldn't regret it. And Shirley, Shirley has earned our respect. Not as a wife, not as a mother, but as a woman. Don't test her on that, because that thing about the jukebox was too specific to be improvised. And Troy. Who cares if Troy thinks he's all that? Maybe he is. You think astronauts go to the moon because they hate oxygen? No, they're trying to impress their high school's prom king. And Abed. Abed's a shaman. You ask him to pass the salt, he gives you a bowl of soup. Because you know what, soup is better. Abed is better. You are all better than you think you are. You are designed not to believe it when you hear it from yourself. I want you to look to the person to your left. Sorry. Look at the person sitting next to you. I want you to extend to that person the same compassion you extend to sharks, pencils and Ben Affleck. I want you to say to that person, "I forgive you." You've just stopped being a study group. You have become something unstoppable. I hear by pronounce you a Community.

Britta Perry:
Shouldn't you be rolling around on a bed covered in test answers?

Jeff Winger:
I don't have any of the answers. I'm gonna... I'm gonna flunk the test.

Troy:
You should just study for like an hour. It's not that hard. [laughs] You seem pretty smart. You got a sports coat.

Jeff Winger:
Eh. Me. Funny thing about being smart is that you can get through most of life without ever having to do any work. So, uh, not really sure how to do that.

Annie Edison:
He's gay now.

Britta Perry:
I think he was gay then.

Annie Edison:
[looking at the model penis] I had it wrong. Is that considered large?

Britta Perry:
[at the same time as Shirley] Yes.

Shirley Bennett:
[at the same time as Britta] No.

Gail the School Counselor:
I want to focus on the girl who won't say "penis". This is a judgement free zone, so express yourself.

Annie Edison:
You know what? I don't want to express myself. I don't want to sit in a room full of people and say... the P-word. I like being repressed. I am totally comfortable being uncomfortable with my sexuality. And maybe, just maybe, if everyone were a little bit more like me, we wouldn't have to have an STD fair!

Britta Perry:
You go girl!

Shirley Bennett:
That's my pumpkin.

Annie Edison:
And by the way, now that I've gotten a good look at one, I don't see what all the fuss is about. Giant thumb in a turtle neck! Woopdie-doo!

Dean Pelton:
A *laser*. Well, this isn't going to be your mother's sexually transmitted disease awareness fair.

Sabrina:
"Secretary" is a little degrading to women. I help the dean do office-y things.

Britta Perry:
Oh, gender saved.

Dean Pelton:
Isn't it great? Greendale is the latest campus to catch a case of *public health fever*.

Britta Perry:
You know the toilets in the women's bathrooms don't have seats, right?

Dean Pelton:
Because they keep getting stolen. Sabrina, take a note. I want hidden cameras in every stall.

Britta Perry:
Problem solved.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Hey, guys. Jeff and I are double dating tonight with my new girlfriend.

Jeff Winger:
You got that from "I doubt it"?

Troy Barnes:
Taking a call girl to an STD fair... there's a joke here.

Shirley Bennett:
Being a virgin in this day and age is something to be proud of. You're like a unicorn.

Dean Pelton:
I had no idea alcohol would make people horny. Makes me sleepy.

Abed Nadir:
[Over the intercom] Attention Greendale students: Don't use the condoms! If you're going to have sex tonight, don't use condoms!

Pierce Hawthorne:
So, Jeff, dust off that black book and rustle up a honey, huh?

Jeff Winger:
Is there a pill that makes the word "no" clearer?

Matt Lundergard:
Are you crying? You cry when I tell you to cry. So reabsorb that disgusting droplet of salt and bad choices back into your doughy body and then call your mother to see if you can be reabsorbed back into her doughy body, or so help me God I will take that tear, I will freeze it, and I will stab you in the eye with it, you waste of a soul shaped hole forgotten by God.

Elroy Patashnik:
...They took my snake and they turned it into a plumber. They made the eggs into barrels. The pine tree they made into a gorilla but I recognize my design. Donkey Kong my ass! That's Construction Snake.

Jeff Winger:
I don't practice law anymore.

Elroy Patashnik:
But we have a case right?

Jeff Winger:
Isn't everyone you'd be suing dead?

Elroy Patashnik:
That's not cool man.

Britta Perry:
Why would a tree throw eggs at a snake?

Elroy Patashnik:
WHY WOULD A PLUMBER BE FIGHTING A MONKEY?

Annie Edison:
I'll be at the movies with my bubbe.

Troy Barnes:
You're not taking both of them?

Annie Edison:
Well, one's dead.

Troy Barnes:
What?

Jeff Winger:
Glee club, meet ASCAP, protecting music copyright since 1914. It seems they recieved an anonymous tip that someone was performing unlicensed material without the composer's consent. Merry Christmas, everybody. Glee club has become history club.

Dean Pelton:
This is the second glee club we've lost in two years. Now they may have to cancel the Christmas pageant. And to think they were this close to regionals.

Pierce Hawthorne:
What the hell are regionals?

Dean Pelton:
They're this close, Pierce!

Annie Edison:
I feel like we let Mr. Rad down.

Jeff Winger:
No, he let himself down by coming in this morning wearing a sweater vest.

Troy Barnes:
We expected this from the others, but you, Pierce? Your generation invented music.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Well, I wouldn't say invented. Perfected, maybe.

Annie Edison:
Pierce! He's just trying to pander to your demographic's well-documented historical vanity.

Britta Perry:
I know the stakes aren't really that high, but somehow that just makes it scarier.

Annie Edison:
They found a way to make the Greendale Human Being creepier: hanging icicles on him.

Shirley Bennett:
I like it. I think it's festive.

Jeff Winger:
My favorite Christmas tradition is decorating the Hellraiser.

Britta Perry:
[about when they substituted for the glee club] It was almost like being on Ecstacy, except instead of having pointless conversations and dancing like idiots... Oh, wait, it was exactly like being on Ecstacy.

Cory Radison:
Glee club is supposed to be gleeful and happy and fun! And you will do it right, or there's gonna be another bus crash! I mean, figuratively. I'm not saying I killed the glee club, I'm saying that if you don't listen to me, it's like you're literally cutting the fuel line on your own... Hey, look! Kings of Leon! [Runs away]

Jeff Winger:
What did he just say? Did Mr. Radison kill the glee club?

Dean Pelton:
And to think I trusted him enough to let him ride on a magic carpet in my dreams.

[repeated line]

Pierce Hawthorne:
What the hell are regionals?

Annie Edison:
Where's our table?

Pierce Hawthorne:
And who's that guy?

[we see a man sitting behind a piano]

Pierce Hawthorne:
You all see him too, right?

[Britta comes out on stage singing poorly]

Dean Pelton:
Oh. Britta's in this?

Cory Radison:
[to Britta] Get off the stage and never sing again! You are the worst!

Jeff Winger:
Hey!

Troy Barnes:
You do not get to call Britta the worst!

Cory Radison:
If we win regionals then it's straight on to sectionals and then a week later is semis, then semi-regionals, then regional-semis, then national lower-zone semis.

Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes:
Troy and Abed's new apartment!

Troy Barnes:
One word, two syllables.

Jeff Winger:
Please don't say Charades.

Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes:
Yahtzee!

Jeff Winger:
Is Charades still off the table?

Jeff Winger:
Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.

Abed Nadir:
Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.

Jeff Winger:
[incredulous] Of course I am, Abed.

Britta Perry:
Pizza, pizza, go in tummy, me so hungee, me so hungee!

Annie Edison:
That pizza guy was so creepy.

Jeff Winger:
So you're saying he was a pizza guy?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Call it Yahtzee all you want, we all know it's really Puerto Rican chess.

Jeff Winger:
[Regarding Abed's model of the rolling boulder scene from "Raiders of the Lost Ark"] Hey, look. Indiana Jones and the Apartment of Perpetual Virginity.

Shirley Bennett:
I can't believe I'm giving pies to a drug addict!

Britta Perry:
Drug addict? You're a pie pusher! You push pies to get love!

Troy Barnes:
I demand to be housewarmed!

Pizza Guy:
Wait, there are other timelines?

Abed Nadir:
Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.

Britta Perry:
Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!

Abed Nadir:
Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven. Shirley will always be giving. Pearce will never apologize. Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective. And Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a b*tch.

[Everybody gasps]

Shirley Bennett:
Abed!

Abed Nadir:
There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.

[Jeff sniggers and the rest of the group send him to get the pizza]

Annie Edison:
Chang was faking his Changnesia?

Troy Barnes:
They seriously rehired a teacher they fired for trying to burn down the school?

Shirley Bennett:
After being rehired as a security guard after being fired for impersonating a teacher?

Abed Nadir:
That's insane, and I'm Abed.

Jeff Winger:
You know what I don't get? He never wears a shirt; he never wears shoes: why hasn't he died from lack of service?

Jeff Winger:
She's 18! Her taste in men is still being established. Creepier and creepier dudes will start thinking of her as an option, and it all starts with Vaughn. He's a gateway douche-bag.

Britta:
People collide! Things happen. It can't be controlled. Right?

Jeff Winger:
And that can be your toast at her shotgun wedding to Star-Burns... oh yeah, turn to your left, turn to your right. Yeah, we can see BOTH of them. It's like a constellation on your face... Oh hey man, what's up?

Star-Burns:
[waving] You see that guy over there? He's a douchebag.

Jeff Winger:
Troy, I want you to clear your mind.

Troy:
DONE.

Britta:
What about Troy?

Annie Edison:
The other day after Spanish I thought he was trying to hold my hand, but... he'd just mistaken me for Abed.

Vaughn:
Hey, what's up man, hi bro.

Annie Edison:
Hey, guys! Thanks for getting involved in my love life, that was super cool and mature of you! Oh, and since you're both clearly idiots, I should probably let you know that I'm being sarcastic!

[storms out]

Troy:
Hey, guys! Thanks for taking ugly Annie out of the palm of my hand and turning her into another hottie that will never get with me!

[storms out]

Leonard:
Hey, guys! Thanks for eating all the macaroni!

Jeff Winger:
Shut up, Leonard! No one even knows what you're talking about!

[Leonard leaves]

Jeff Winger:
...I did eat all the macaroni. It's messed up that he knows.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Change! Time to change the channel! This guy'll be begging for change soon, he keeps making movies this terrible! We should change to something good, this movie stinks! We should change his diaper. That's change we can believe in!

Abed:
[Abed hits pause] Okay, it's obvious something strange is happening here.

Pierce Hawthorne:
What are you talking about? I'm making jokes during a movie.

Troy:
Yeah, but you're doing it with the speed and determination of the incomparable Robin Williams.

Britta:
Fine! I cared. I'm a girly girl. I like boys, and I don't like it when they're mean to me, and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends, I'm not that cool, I'm not JUNO, homeslice.

Jeff Winger:
This is what this was about for you? You were jealous?

Britta:
Oh, please. You can't tell me you weren't jealous that Vaughn had his hippie hands all over your debate-slash-make-out partner.

Annie Edison:
What are you insinuating? I took that kiss for the team!

Jeff Winger:
What?... yeah. That kiss wasn't for pleasure, it was strategic and joyless.

Annie Edison:
What?... yeah.

Troy:
You did get weirdly specific describing Annie's body.

Jeff Winger:
More specific than the stuff you told me about Britta?

Britta, Annie Edison:
What?

Shirley Bennett:
Does anyone get specific about me?

Pierce Hawthorne:
Check your e-mail.

Shirley Bennett:
I mark you as spam.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Who the hell is Pam?

Abed:
When you guys first came in, we were as wholesome as the family in the Brady Bunch. Now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of the Brady Bunch.

Shirley Bennett:
I agree with Abed. This is getting creepy.

Annie Edison:
No more creepy than when Jeff wears tight jeans and you say, "I'd like to slap those buns on the grill!"

Shirley Bennett:
First of all, I don't talk like that, and second of all where I'm from it's perfectly normal for women to talk about their male friends' backsides. You don't see me saying anything about Abed and Troy's weird little relationship.

Abed, Troy:
[to each other] They're just jealous.

Annie Edison:
Vaughn wants to show me a cloud that looks like a pumpkin!

Troy:
I think it's cool how you hang out with your students.

Se?or Chang:
[Motions at formal attire he's wearing] Yeah, because clearly none of my other plans fell through.

Drug Dealer:
[On movie "Kickpuncher"] Wanna get some mega-dope? It'll get you mega-high.

Shirley Bennett:
Will it get me through this movie?

Pierce Hawthorne:
"Directed by Kim Yung." Asian. Can't direct, can't drive.

Se?or Chang:
Dude, I'm right here.

Abed:
Right there.

Jeff Winger:
Crash course in manipulation: you don't tell the person what you want them to do. You help them realize they want to do it. That way it can't be traced back to you.

Britta:
Hmm, got it.

[Jeff and Britta walk up to Troy]

Britta:
Chemistry, sexy. You know what else it sexy? Annie.

[Jeff rolls his eyes]

Troy:
I know chemistry is sexy, but Annie? I don't see it.

Britta:
You really don't see how pretty Annie is?

Troy:
Maybe it's because I knew her in high school before she dropped out when she still had acne and a pill addiction and a nervous breakdown ending with her running into a plate-glass window screaming "everyone's a robot!"

Pierce Hawthorne:
His songs are dumber than he is.

Jeff Winger:
Yeah, but they're honest.

"Kickpuncher" narrator:
It is the year 2006 A.D and nuclear war has ravaged the planet.

Abed:
I must've missed that.

"Kickpuncher" narrator:
Detroit is a firezone ruled by scavengers, drug dealers, and terrorists.

Troy:
Sounds like a Thanksgiving at my house.

[the director's credit for "Kickpuncher" is displayed]

Pierce Hawthorne:
Directed by Kim Yang. Asian. Can't direct, can't drive.

Se?or Chang:
Dude, I'm right here.

Shirley Bennett:
Usually, I walk out on a bad movie, but this sounds collegy.

Troy:
I'm not your bro, bro.

Vaughn:
Everyone's my bro, because we're all connected. Sharks, eagles, hats.

Troy:
Yeah? Well some things are more connected than others, like tarantulas and me peeing myself. Or me and Annie.

Annie Edison:
Why are we even talking about this?

Jeff Winger:
'Cause you started having sex with Britta's ex-boyfriend.

Annie Edison:
We haven't even kissed yet!

Pierce Hawthorne:
That doesn't mean you're not having sex.

Britta:
We see ourselves as your Greendale parents.

Annie Edison:
You're not my mom, Britta. She would never wear boots that go that high. And what about treating me as a friend and an adult?

Britta:
Oh, you wanna be treated as an adult and a friend. Then try not stealing your friend's ex-boyfriend. Find your own man.

Shirley Bennett:
Ooh!

Annie Edison:
But you don't like Vaughn.

Britta:
No, I don't. I also don't like seeing him with anyone else. Tada!

Annie Edison:
But you said it was okay.

Britta:
Fine! I cared. I'm a girly-girl. I like boys and I don't like it when they're mean to me and I don't like it when they stop kissing me and start kissing my friends. I'm not that cool, okay, I'm not Juno, homeslice.

Jeff Winger:
Fine, okay. I guess we're not really family. It's more complicated than that because unlike a real family there's nothing to stop any one of us from looking at each other as sexual prospects.

Jeff Winger:
I can hear her armpit hair growing from here.

Troy:
Well he's a baby.

Troy:
Let's do this. Red Shoe Diaries. I think you know I have a thing for butt stuff.

Vaughn:
Sorry it took so long. I had to find a shirt.

Troy:
Tell him. Tell him you've been in love with me since high school.

Vaughn:
Wait a minute. Is that true Mountain Flower?

Annie Edison:
I never want to lie to you, so I will tell you that I did have a crush on him but it's over, I swear.

Vaughn:
You swear? Just like Britta swore that she didn't give Jeff my poem and then I found him laughing at it with Pierce and that Sherri Shepherd lady? It's happening again. Your study group is evil. And you don't deserve ice cream. [throws extra cone away]

Annie Edison:
[gasp]

Troy:
Do they do things to your butt?

Annie Edison:
No.

Troy:
Do you get paid more if they do things to your butt?

Dr. Ian Duncan:
He's ruined the study. He's warped the Duncan Principle! Damn you, you outlying piece of datum!

Britta Perry:
Besides, arent you like a world class expert in jibber-jabber?

Jeff Winger:
I'm a sprinter. I'm best at brief spurts of wit. With Shirley, I couldn't keep up. I'd be winded by that stoner tree.

Dr. Ian Duncan:
The Duncan principle is simple. The longer the ego waits, the more ground is taken by the id, resulting in a predictable emotional eruption... better known to ma and pa as a good old-fashioned tantrum!

Shirley Bennett:
I don't understand why you and Britta aren't together. Two good-looking white people going to school together. It just feels right.

Jeff Winger:
We're not pandas in a zoo.

Dr. Ian Duncan:
You! You did this! You've ruined the Duncan principle!

Annie Edison:
You told me to bring two subjects.

Dr. Ian Duncan:
Subjects, not Rain Man over there! Little Annie Fannie Panties in a bunch!

Annie Edison:
Oh, really? Why don't you try going to the dentist once in a while?

Dr. Ian Duncan:
Let me answer that question with another question!

Dr. Ian Duncan:
[blows raspberry]

Jeff Winger:
Pierce, give me your earpiece.

Pierce Hawthorne:
I threw it away. You see, there are some things man was not meant to hear. We were designed by whatever entity you choose to hear what's in this range and this range alone. Because you know who's in this range? The people we love.

[Leaves]

Jeff Winger:
He must have heard us call him Inspector Gadget.

Britta:
A lifetime of disappointments has given me douche-ray vision.

Senor Chang:
Umm ok guys, why are there costumes involved? These are short conversations, they're not supposed to take...

Jeff Winger:
...Your breath away? Well tough.

Troy:
[as Abed lays down a beat, Troy raps] ?D?nde est? la biblioteca? Me llamo T-Bone, la ara?a discoteca.

Abed:
Discoteca, mu?eca, la biblioteca, es bigote grande, perro, manteca.

Troy:
Manteca, bigote, gigante, peque?o, cabeza es nieve. Cerveza es bueno!

Abed:
Buenas D?as! Me gusta papas fr?as! Bigote de la cabra es Cameron Diaz. Yeah, Boy!

Troy:
Yeah! What!

Abed:
Yeah. It's 2009.

Troy:
Word!

Annie:
But, maybe when Jeff gets here we could talk to him as a group about his tardiness...

Pierce Hawthorne:
Oh come on, don't use that word around Abed.

Senor Chang:
Hasta luego! Come on, hands are 90% of spanish!

Senor Chang:
Ok um guys, why are there costumes involved these are short conversations, there not suppose to take...

Jeff Winger:
Take you breath away?

Abed:
Conflicts like this will ultimately bring us togther as an unlikely family.

Troy:
You have horrible breath right now.

Senor Chang:
Every once in a while, a student will come up to me and ask, "Se?or Chang, why do you teach Spanish?" [chuckles] They say it just like that. "Why do *you* teach Spanish?" [grin drops] "Why you? Why not math? Why not photography? Why not martial arts?" I mean, surely, it must be in my nature to instruct you in something that's ancient and secret, like, oh, building a wall that you can see from outer space! Well, I'll tell you why I teach Spanish. It is none of your business, okay? I don't wanna have any conversations about what a mysterious, inscrutable man I am. Oh hee hee hee hee hee hee! Oh hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo! *I am a Spanish Genius!* In espa?ol, my nickname is *El Tigre Chino*! [pretends to bite Shirley's neck] 'Cause my knowledge will bite her face off! So don't question Se?or Chang or you'll get bit. Yah bit! Yah bit!

Pierce Hawthorne:
To the empowerage of words!

Jeff Winger:
To the irony of that sentence!

Shirley Bennett:
And this isn't the school paper. It's the real thing. There's a Marmaduke in there.

Annie:
I volunteer at a seniors center, and I have seen the face of dementia, and last night I saw it again.

Britta Perry:
[refusing Jeff's anniversary card] You're cute, but selfish and narcissistic to the point of near-delusion.

Jeff Winger:
[after Britta had left] She said I was cute...

Se?or Chang:
I am a Spanish Genius! In espa?ol, my nickname is El Tigre Chino! 'Cause my knowledge will bite her face off!

Troy Barnes:
There are a couple of things we're hoping you'll help us with.

Abed Nadir:
Yes. Like where does the water go in the iron?

Troy Barnes:
And what's the iron for?

Abed Nadir:
And what gets out Kool-Aid stains?

Troy Barnes:
We already know the opposite color Kool-Aid doesn't work.

Official:
Nobody can sit on something this big.

Dean Pelton:
Iiiiiii'll sit on it.

Abed Nadir:
Chang started his solo. Knowing him, that gives us only nine minutes to get to the records room.

Pierce Hawthorne:
A, that is racist. B, swamis can't drive, they're Indians.

Troy Barnes:
There is another way in. If I enroll in the a.c. school, they'll help us. We could walk in and out. It'll mean I'll have to move out and into a.c. school housing, and I won't be able to hang out with you guys anymore, or have a relationship, or use the word sensational for some reason.

Britta Perry:
Troy, we are not losing you to save the dean, or Greendale, or anything, ever.

Jeff Winger:
Don't be so dramatic, Troy. The answer is simple. We just have to plan an elaborate heist.

Britta Perry:
Yes!

Pierce Hawthorne:
Great, I'll get my turban.

Jeff Winger:
Everyone except Pierce has to plan an elaborate heist.

Troy Barnes:
Shirley, never change. Or do, if you want, I'm not your boss.

Shirley Bennett:
Oh, honey. [they hug]

Pierce Hawthorne:
Never wear a rubber.

Jeff Winger:
[shakes hands with Troy] Never listen to Pierce.

Troy Barnes:
[Annie hugs him] When you finally finish that jigsaw puzzle, will you tell me what kind of boat is at the end of that dock? [Annie nods]

Britta Perry:
This is a lock of my hair.

Troy Barnes:
[in a moved voice] Creepy. [when Abed comes up to him, Troy whispers something in his ear. Abed nods, and they do their secret handshake]

Murray:
All right, let's go. [Troy exchange a last look with the group before exits after Murray]

Annie Edison:
Abed? What did he say to you?

Abed Nadir:
He said: "I know you hate it when people do this in movies. Sorry I got emotional."

Jeff Winger:
I could eat powdered bran every day while you suck down figgy pudding and I still might die first. It's not fair. I want my donuts back!

Britta Perry:
[mocking Annie] I don't know anything. I need boys. Saving the planet makes my back hurt.

Annie Edison:
[mocking Britta] Oh, I obviously don't need boys for anything. That's why I wear stripper boots during the day and eat only celery and mustard for lunch.

Britta Perry:
[mocking Annie] I never stop smiling.

Annie Edison:
[mocking Britta] I never start.

Britta Perry:
[mocking Annie] My sweaters keep shrinking.

Annie Edison:
[mocking Britta] I get up an hour early to ever so slightly curl my hair.

Shirley Bennett:
Yeah, you're both so different. Skinny b*tches.

Jeff Winger:
I can't believe I made out with both of you.

Jeff Winger:
Guys, guys, guys. Did we learn nothing from last Christmas? I don't see much difference between Pierce's religion and anybody else's.

Annie Edison:
Well, then you're not listening, because his has lasers!

Jeff Winger:
Look, you guys make fun of me for not caring about religion. But at least I'm dedicated enough to not caring to let you have your own beliefs. Can't Pierce have his? Can't you be cool like me? [picks up his phone] Hello?

Troy Barnes:
He ends so many of his speeches that way.

Jeff Winger:
I treat my body like a temple!

Male Nurse Jackie:
Well, I can't be the first person to tell you that the temple doesn't last forever. I mean, it's made of hamburger. This is a... This is a temple of doom. And you know what? Like the real temple of doom, it represents the inconvenient fact that all good things - be they people or movie franchises - eventually collapse into sagging, sloppy, rotten piles of hard to follow nonsense.

Britta Perry:
[Pitying herself] Knock, knock. Who's there? Cancer. Oh good, come on in, I thought it was Britta!

Annie Edison:
The name's Annie Edison, but people call me Psycho 'cause I had a nervous breakdown in high school. My partner's a Christian housewife. How can we help you?

Annie Edison:
Well, well, well. Look who we found.

Jeff Winger:
Yes, how foolish of me to hide in my regularly scheduled study group.

Andre:
Hey, anybody seen Shirley?

Abed Nadir:
What? Shirley's late to the rehearsal for her wedding? Oh my.

Andre:
Hey man, you don't have to be sarcastic.

Abed Nadir:
I'm not being sarcastic.

Troy Barnes:
We're heavily invested in your situation. Nothing's more important to us than your second wedding's rehearsal going smoothly.

Britta Perry:
Yeah? Well, great. Flowers look good in a pot. There are people dying in Uganda.

Jeff Winger:
Wireless racism. The future of the past is now.

Troy Barnes:
Hey, Pierce. Why do you look like a well-dressed murderer?

Britta Perry:
When are we going to outgrow this outmoded concept of marriage?

Annie Edison:
What, you're anti-weddings now?

Jeff Winger:
No, she's just pro-anti.

Pierce Hawthorne:
Someone please call all the ambulances.

Troy Barnes:
We just watched the Inspector Spacetime wedding special, so we know how to act in a wedding.

Abed Nadir:
Be sure to get a DNA sample from each of the guests. Once Inspector Spacetime ended up marrying himself as a baby.

Britta Perry:
It may surprise you to hear this, but I come from a long line of wives and mothers.

Annie Edison:
Many people do.

Annie Edison:
"Webster's Dictionary defines"? That's the Jim Belushi of speech openings. It accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps using it and nobody knows why.

Jeff Winger:
My friend Shirley asked me to say something at her wedding.

Leonard:
This is the rehearsal.

Jeff Winger:
Shut up, Leonard! Those girls who play ping-pong with you are doing it ironically!

Troy Barnes:
[Watching Jeff and Britta's drunken argument] There are so many layers.

Abed Nadir:
It's almost too conceptual to follow. But I love it.