Count Duckula

[repeated line]

Nanny:
Ooh! Now how did that happen?

[repeated line]

Nanny:
I'll get it!

[door bell rings]

Nanny:
I'll get it!

[sound of door breaking]

Count Duckula:
Igor, order another door.

[first lines]

Narrator:
Castle Duckula. Home for many centuries to a terrible dynasty of vicious vampire ducks. The counts of Duckula! Legend has it that these foul beings can be destroyed by a stake through the heart, or exposure to sunlight. This does *not* suffice, however, for they may be brought back to life, by means of a secret rite, that can be performed once a century when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius.

Igor:
[performing ritual]... bat wing blood.

Nanny:
I'll get it!

Narrator:
The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan.

[repeated line]

Nanny:
Cooie! Duckie-poos!

Narrator:
[closing line of every episode] Good night out there, whatever you are.

Narrator:
[opening lines] Castle Duckula. Home for many centuries to a terrible dynasty of vicious vampire ducks. The counts of Duckula! Legend has it that these foul beings can be destroyed by a stake through the heart, or exposure to sunlight. This does *not* suffice, however, for they may be brought back to life, by means of a secret rite, that can be performed once a century when the moon is in the eighth house of Aquarius.

Igor:
[performing ritual]... blood.

Nanny:
I'll get it!

Narrator:
The latest reincarnation did not run according to plan.

[repeated line]

Von Goosewing:
Duckula, you fiend!

Count Duckula:
You double crossed me, Igor. I won't forget this in a hurry.

Nanny:
No, I won't forget it in a hurry neither.

Count Duckula:
[patronisingly] What won't you forget in a hurry, Nanny?

Nanny:
Erm... I forget!

[first lines]

Narrator:
Castle Duckula; ancient, awful, appalling, a solitary fortress of fear, whipped by the woeful wind, rinsed by the rancid rain, threatened by the thudding thunder, and over these terrifying turrets pass cumbrous clouds and an airship.

Von Goosewing:
[mistakes smoking beaker filled with green chemical for his coffee and starts gagging] Oh, what is that coffee tasting? Wha-? Ein moment. That is no coffee! That is [reads beaker label] "mein Dr. Von Goosewing patent shampooing cleaner und spot remover"! Oh boy, I sure hope it isn't- [he is cut off in mid-sentence and turns into a vampire] Blood! I must have blood! [cackles] Heinrich! Heinrich, come here my dear speller! Come here immediately. I vant to suck your blood, Heinrich!

Nanny:
[Igor has drank the reversing potion in his tea] Oh Mr. Igor, are you having a turn? Dear, you're turning a funny color, Mr. Igor. Mr. Igor, are you all right?

Igor:
I shall feel infinitely better, my dear, dear Nanny, when I have spread a little happiness, kissed a few babies, given shelter to some stray dogs, rescued several lost kittens, and helped a handful of old ladies across the room.

Nanny:
[chuckling] Oh Mr. Igor, you will have your little joke!

Igor:
Joke, my dear sweet Nanny? But no. One should never joke about being good and kind and loving and kind and helpful to those more needy than oneself. I must leave you now; I have to go and bring joy and contentment to mankind!

Count Duckula:
Blood! I need blood! I must have blood; my fangs tingle to be biting necks!

Count Duckula:
[complaining about his breakfast and walking to his icebox] Oh, well, if it's going to be porridge, at least I'll have some milk on it.

Igor:
[Igor shows up in the icebox] Milk? Oh, sir, why not try a little...

Count Duckula:
If you're going to suggest I pour blood on my porridge, Igor, I shall be forced to order you to leave the room!

Igor:
A little drop of group AB never hurt anybody, milord.

Count Duckula:
[Igor has come with Dr.Von Goosewing] Oh, there you are, Igor. You wouldn't happen to know what I was doing in the cellar, would you?

Igor:
Only too well, only too well!

Count Duckula:
Oh, well I don't. Ooh, boy have I got a headache. Could you get me something for it, Igor?

Igor:
The only thing that will alleviate your suffering, Count Duckula, and that of those you and your kind prey upon, is a stake!

Count Duckula:
Oh, good, well could you get me- a steak? A steak for a headache? Igor, what are y-, and you know I'm a vegetarian!

Igor:
You see, doctor, how devious, how clever the vampire can be?

Nanny:
I must be getting the hang of this door lark.

Count Duckula:
Come Igor, Igor, where are these village maidens you keep telling about? Huh-huh-huh?

Nanny:
Lay down your instruments of violence and depart forthwith!

Igor:
Madam, I-!

Nanny:
Lay so much as one digit on this young duck, and I warned you, the consequences to your physiognomy and constitution will be dire in the extreme!

Igor:
We have come to lay your poor, tormented soul to rest. Dr. Von Goosewing, the stake and hammer, if you please.

Count Duckula:
You know something, Nanny? This cereal tastes more like cardboard every morning.

Nanny:
Mm, well that's probably 'cause it is cardboard.

Count Duckula:
Oh, I see, well that would explain... *What?*

Nanny:
Well, we ran out of cereal and all we had left was the box.

Count Duckula:
Do you mean that I've been eating... ugh! You know Nanny, sometimes I wonder about you.

Nanny:
Well, it's nice to know that someone cares!

Count Duckula:
No, I didn't mean... Oh, what's the use?

Count Duckula:
[pained voice] Igorrr! You're standing on my fingers!

Igor:
Oh, I do beg your pardon, sir! I thought the carpet there was a little less threadbare!

Nanny:
Cooie! Ducky-boos!

Count Duckula:
Mind the...

[Nanny breaks the door]

Count Duckula:
...door, Nanny.

Nanny:
Oh, I brought you something to eat! I thought you might be hungry.

Nanny:
[tastes food] I don't think anyone could be *that* hungry, Nanny!

Count Duckula:
Oh, ducky-boos, eat up, it's your dinner!

Nanny:
You can't really expect me to eat *that*, Nanny! Let's face it, the *tray* looks more appetizing!

Nanny:
[bites the tray]

Nanny:
No, it tastes pretty much the same as the food!

Count Duckula:
Gold, gold! It may not buy happiness, but it can buy you a better state of misery, that's for sure!

Nanny:
[the three are leaving for the Yukon] Oh, let's not go, Duckyboos, I gets homesick!

Count Duckula:
Yes, I get pretty sick of it as well, Nanny!

Count Duckula:
[the three are out in the snow, lost] I still think it would have been a better idea to bring the *dogs* to pull the sled, Nanny.

Nanny:
Oh, no, Duckyboos, it's too cold. Those poor little mutts would have been half-freezing!

Igor:
Instead, they're tucked in front of a blazing fire, drinking the young master's best cocoa and eating his chocolate biskies.

Nanny:
Oh, dear, I meant to pack them some custard creams as well, I hope they don't get too upset!

Von Goosewing:
I think I go home now and lie down for a decade or two.

[first lines]

Narrator:
Welcome once again, gentle viewers, to Translyvania. Where Castle Duckula stands over the nearby village, and its residents are engaged in a once a century purge! [a tortured scream sounds in the background] Has something come to light? What can these tortured screams foretell?

[first lines]

Narrator:
In the high foothills of Transylvania, Castle Duckula stands sentinel over a veiled valley where the poor, frightened peasant folk mutter in low voices, for this is vampire country. And even now, Count Duckula, master of the looming castle, is slowly sucking the sweet and succulent dark red fluid from a lifeless object. [shot of Duckula eating a popsicle]

Nanny:
[the castle has just made it to the Arctic] !t's all white!

Count Duckula:
All white? It's weally wemarkable!

Colonel Willoughby:
[Colonel Willoughby is coming through the hall] Jives! Jives, get on parade, on the double!

Jives the Penguin Butler:
Oh, dear.

Count Duckula:
Oh, what's that?

Colonel Willoughby:
That sir, is...

Colonel Willoughby:
Fish, you ghastly little bounder, fish!

Jives the Penguin Butler:
That is my present employer, returned home unexpectedly.

Colonel Willoughby:
Do you hear me, Jives?

Jives the Penguin Butler:
Indeed I do, sir.

Colonel Willoughby:
Then, where's me dinner, eh? Where's me fish? Ah, you have it there! [looks at Duckula] Dashed funny looking fish, that is!

Count Duckula:
Fish? I'm no fish! I'm nobody's dinner, either!

Jives the Penguin Butler:
No, sir, this is not your dinner, this is...

Colonel Willoughby:
Another of your infernal scrounging distant cousins, eh? So where is me dinner, eh, where's me fish? Never mind your distant cousin, do your horrible idle self and bring me fish, lots of fish on the double!

Colonel Willoughby:
Colonel Willoughby, sir, I...

Colonel Willoughby:
And tell your distant cousin to distance himself some distance from me igloo!

Count Duckula:
[Jives has told Duckula that he must be paid] And let me remind your penguinship that I haven't any money.

Jives the Penguin Butler:
You, you haven't any money?

Count Duckula:
Nope, not a cent.

Jives the Penguin Butler:
Are you trying to tell me, your bankruptcy

[drops refined accent and shifts to Yorkshire accent]

Jives the Penguin Butler:
That me and mates have been flogging ourselves to death here and you ain't got none of the reddy?

Count Duckula:
Hey, what happened to Albert Pengworth Jives?

Jives the Penguin Butler:
He just died of shock, that's what happened to him! And that ain't nothing compared to what's gonna happen to you if you don't cough up with the lolly!

[repeated line]

Colonel Willoughby:
You ghastly little bounder!

Igor:
What's this about the icebox being broken?

Nanny:
Yes.

Count Duckula:
Yes?

Nanny:
Yes.

Nanny:
It fell off the clothesline.

Count Duckula:
Oh, well, that's all right- it fell off the clothesline?

Nanny:
Well, I likes to keep it clean and it was doing all right in the washing machine!

Count Duckula:
Igor, don't be disgusting.

Igor:
Alas, milord, disgusting is all there is left to be. Without a death a week, life has lost its meaning.

Count Duckula:
Well, if we ever do have a death a week, the first thing I'm going to lose is a butler!

Igor:
I'm sorry, milord, but I do wish you would take your duties seriously now and again.Chew on a chambermaid, sink your teeth into a fainting female!

Count Duckula:
Forget it, Igor, forget it! All I want in this heat is an ice cream.

Igor:
Well, if it beats that something... AAAAARGH!

Count Duckula:
Aaaah! Igor, don't *do* that!

Igor:
You said you wanted a nice scream.

Von Goosewing:
Okay Igor, you were saying?

Von Goosewing:
I was saying, Dr. Von Goosewing, that the master has gone mad. He's cast me out into the cold, cold snow and taken on a younger butler. And that's not all.

Von Goosewing:
It's not?

Igor:
No. For some reason best known to himself, he has disguised himself as the penguin butler.

Von Goosewing:
Ja?

Igor:
Ja. I mean, yes. And he has disguised the butler as himself.

Von Goosewing:
But-but-but wait a moment, the butler *is* himself.

Igor:
No! The butler is now my master because my master is disguised as someone else. Because he is not himself.

Von Goosewing:
Heinrich, bring me a headache pill.

Igor:
Dr. Von Goosewing, it is perfectly simple! One penguin is now Count Duckula while the other penguins are penguins, except for the one who's a duck!

Von Goosewing:
Make that a dozen headache pills, Heinrich! Are you trying to tell me that there is more then one penguin?

Igor:
Oh, yes there is certainly more than one penguin, Dr. Von Goosewing.

Von Goosewing:
How many more? Tell me.

Igor:
Nine. [sounds like "nein", no in German]

Von Goosewing:
If what you say is important, tell me how many more.

Igor:
Nine.

Von Goosewing:
Rumplestiltskin! Tell me!

Igor:
Nine, nine, nine!

Von Goosewing:
Ja, ja, ja! Tell me, tell me, TELL ME!

Igor:
I have told you how many.

Von Goosewing:
Heinrich, just bring the bottle.

Igor:
Dr. Von Goosewing, are you quite yourself?

Von Goosewing:
Well, I was when I left home. I just hope I'm not turning into a penguin!

Igor:
Make that *two* bottles, Heinrich, and be quick! Look, all you have to remember, Goosewing, is to miss the duck and zap the penguin.

Count Duckula:
Yes, we're going where's there's ice as far as the eyes [sounds like "ice"] can see!

Count Duckula:
Life's just one great big disorganized shambling mess!

Nanny:
Yoo-hoo! Master Duckula!

Count Duckula:
Speaking of which, here she comes now!

Count Duckula:
We're going to explore the Arctic!

Nanny:
Oh, you don't want to go up there, Duckyboos, it's not been dusted for months!

Count Duckula:
No, not the attic, Nanny, the Arctic!

Nanny:
[in a snowglobe] Ooh, Ducky-booz! Whatever is it? What's the matter, my little dumplin'?

Count Duckula:
Look... look up there, it's Von Goosewing!

Nanny:
Ooh, hasn't he grown!

Count Duckula:
No, no, Nanny! It's us, we've shrunk!

Nanny:
Ooh, that's nice! I been meanin' to go on a diet.

Nanny:
[about Duckula's sax. playing] Oooh, it's loud enough to wake the dead!

Igor:
The dead! Ah ha ha ha ha!

Count Duckula:
[about Nanny's slamming of silverware at people] Last time, you killed three chambermaids and a footman!

Nanny:
Oh, they was only part-time, sir! And the little blond one never dusted the pictures rails!

Igor:
Oh, oh *no*, what's happening?

Count Duckula:
I might have been killed!

Count Duckula:
[asking about a pharaoh] Who, Ra?

Hoomite:
And Upshee rises!

Count Duckula, Hoomite, Yoobee:
[singing] Hoorah, and Upshee rises/ Hoorah, and Upshee rises/ Hoorah, and Upshee rises never in the morning!

Count Duckula:
[after a long and winding mix-up of names] I can't stand anymore!

Yoobee:
Of course you can't stand anymore, we've tied you to the sacrificial altar, and it serves you right!

[Duckula meets two Egyptian priests deep beneath a pyramid]

Hoomite:
I am Hoomite, High Priest of the Sun God Ra! And this is my assistant Yoobee.

Yoobee:
Delighted, I'm sure.

Hoomite:
Who might you be?

Count Duckula:
Yes, I got that.

Hoomite:
No, who might you be?

Count Duckula:
Yes, I know, you said that already.

Hoomite:
So you will not tell me?

Count Duckula:
Well, I hardly need to, do I?

Hoomite:
We shall see about that! Yoobee, you try.

Yoobee:
Oh, very well master. Listen I am Yoobee, right?

Count Duckula:
Wrong. I am. You are.

Yoobee:
Aahhh! There you are Master, he is Yooare.

Hoomite:
So you are Yooare?

Count Duckula:
I am not, I am not.

Hoomite:
See! He is not Yooare, he is Knot!

Yoobee:
You are Yooare!

Count Duckula:
I am not Yooare.

Yoobee:
Don't call me Knot, Yooare. I am not Yooare, I am not Knot. I am Yoobee.

Count Duckula:
Look, let us get this sorted out. I am not Knot, okay? I am not Yooare. Okay? And you are Hoomite. And you are Yoobee. Okay?

Hoomite, Yoobee:
Okay.

Hoomite:
But!

Count Duckula:
Yes?

Hoomite:
Who might you be?

Nanny:
[in the desert] Ooh, isn't this thick-pile carpeting lovely?

Igor:
*That*, Nanny, is the Sahara!

Nanny:
Well, I knew it wasn't broadloom!

Count Duckula:
The mystic saxophone?

Igor:
What the Archduck was searching for!

Count Duckula:
Well, you never mentioned *that*!

Igor:
I thought I did, milord.

Count Duckula:
No, you did not!

Ruffles:
[the Crow Brothers are eavesdropping outside the window. the first crow Brother asks the second] Here now, did he mention the mystic saxophone?

Burt:
[asks the third] I don't know, did he mention the mystic saxophone?

Junior:
[asks the fourth] I don't know! Eh, did he mention the mystic saxophone?

4th Crow:
Uh, no.

Junior:
[to second] No.

Burt:
[to first] No.

Ruffles:
[to Igor, who does not realize that he is there] No, you never mentioned it!

Count Duckula:
You see? You never mentioned it!

Igor:
I'm sorry, milord. Milord, it's rather stuffy in here. Excuse me while I open a window.

[he opens the window, which knocks the Crow Brothers down]

Nanny:
[inside a tomb] Oh, look at the mess in here! I wish I'd brought my feather duster.

Igor:
Or even your feather brain!

Nanny:
Yes, that would be nice!

Nanny:
[Duckula has the saxophone in hand] I hope you wash that before you put it in your mouth

Igor:
Silence, Nanny! A single blow and we shall be the servants to the Emperor of evil!

Igor:
[Nanny is forcing him to dance] No! No-no, let go! Ohh, Nanny! Oh, milord, make her stop!

Count Duckula:
[upon hearing the Crow Brothers fall out side the window sill] What was that?

Igor:
Hmm?

Count Duckula:
A series of thuds like falling bodies hitting the floor!

Igor:
Oh, that'll be Nanny making pastry, sir.

2nd Camel:
[seeing the castle in the desert] That's the strangest looking mirage I've seen all week!

1st Camel:
Oh, that's not a mirage!

2nd Camel:
I'll bet you fifty piastres it *is*!

1st Camel:
You're on!

2nd Camel:
Right so. Watch this.

[the second camel runs into the castle hitting his head]

2nd Camel:
Ooh!

1st Camel:
There you are. I told you so!

Ruffles:
[talking about Egypt] That's about, uh, 3,000 miles from here!

Crow Brother #2:
As the crow flies?

Ruffles:
Oh, shut up.

Igor:
[narrating on the Archduck's discovery] On day, while penetrating the depths of the Pharaoh Upshee's tomb, he stumbled upon a great stone altar.

The Archduck McGanza:
[trips over the altar] Ow! [chortles] What great, stupid idiot left *this* here?

Igor:
And as he mused upon this marvelous discovery...

The Archduck McGanza:
Marvelous? I nearly broke me bloody foot!

Igor:
...There entered two strange figures with weird hair, looking like the walking dead!

[first lines]

Narrator:
On jagged finger of rock, stands Castle Duckula. Known only in the nearby village as... Castle Duckula. It is the *grim* and fearful home of the last in a long line of vampire barons... Count Duckula! [ laughs evilly]

Igor:
Look, sir, a statue.

Count Duckula:
Oh, it's not me, I don't look at anything like that.

Igor:
I meant, sir, that it is a statue to guard the dead. A statue of the god Anubis.

Nanny:
Master Duckula, close your your eyes!

Count Duckula:
Huh, close my eyes?

Nanny:
I won't have you looking at people with no clothes on!

Count Duckula:
What are you talk - not a "nudist", Nanny, *Anubis*, it's a statue of *Anubis*! Oh, what's the use?

Ruffles:
[spying on Castle Duckula] I like the looks of that there castle. What''s the guidebook say?

Burt:
[opens book] Uh, here we go. "Castle Duckula, home to the traditional vampire barons of Transylvania." Here, guv, vampires!

Ruffles:
Oh, don't be stupid, it just says that to get the tourists in, get on with it!

Burt:
Uh, antique prisoners, already nicked by butler, got a great of assortment of valuable paintings, "beware of the werewolf".

Ruffles:
Werewolf, eh? When's full moon?

Burt:
[looks at watch] Uh, next week, chief.

Ruffles:
Oh, well that's all right, then.So they've got a lot of valuable paintings, have they? It'll be our best job since the Tower of London!

Ruffles:
[they are climbing the walls] Come on, lads, at about fifty-foot, we'll reach the top. Have you got the- [he hears Nanny singing off-key]

Burt:
Have I got the what, chief?

Ruffles:
Listen. [he hears Nanny singing again] Makes your flesh creep, dunnit? Must be the werewolf.

Nanny:
[Nanny is dusting] Now, give it a tickle with me featherduster, and it'll be as right as rain!

Ruffles:
She's ticklin' it wiv' a featherduster! No wonder it's out.

Nanny:
[she sweeps the featherduster outside of the window and unknowingly into Ruffles' face] There!

Ruffles:
[gears up to sneeze] Ahh, ahh...

Burt:
What's ah, chief?

Ruffles:
Ahh...

Burt:
"Ahh" *what*, chief?

Ruffles:
[sneezes] Ah-choo! [he lets go of the ledge and the four Crow Brothers plummet down to the ground]

Dimitri:
[the clock bats emerge for a daily dose of humour] Hey, Svistoslav, that reminds me... What's the difference between a Yak and a Bison?

Svistoslav:
I don't know, Dimitri. Tell me, what is the difference between a Yak and a Bison?

Dimitri:
You can't wash your hands and face in a Yak!

[goes back into the clock laughing to himself]

Svistoslav:
[returning inside the clock] But you can't wash your hands and face in a Bison, either...

[first lines]

Narrator:
Count Duckula, beware! Little do you know but even now, your life hangs by a thread! For in the topmost tent of your horrible home, a deadly sharp blade is poied to cleave and carve!

Igor:
Milord?

Count Duckula:
[indicating glass filled with red fluid] Would you mind telling me just what is the meaning of *this*?

Igor:
Has it gone *off*, milord?

Count Duckula:
What?

Igor:
*Bad*, milord.

Count Duckula:
[indicating glass filled with red fluid] Igor, I know what off is! This stuff was was never *on* in the first place! You know what this stuff is!

Igor:
[angry] But of course, milord! It is blood!

Count Duckula:
Buh-lood! Exactly! And would you mind telling me just what it is doing in my refrigerator?

Count Duckula:
I thought you might care for a night of the thirteenth, milord.

Count Duckula:
No, Igor, I would not! I'm quite happy with my mead! Thank you!

[chuckles]

Count Duckula:
Now, what were we talking about?

Igor:
[indicating blood] *That*, milord.

Count Duckula:
Oh, yes of course. And-AAAGH! Blood!

Igor:
[cheerfully] Yes , milord! And an excellent vintage, too!

Count Duckula:
That's enough, Igor! Now listen! I do not want to see blood, blech, in my refrigerator ever again! Never, no more, never, no way, no how, *never*!

Count Duckula:
Get it?

Igor:
Yes, milord!

Count Duckula:
Got it?

Igor:
Yes, milord.

Igor:
Oh, the ignominy!

Nanny:
[about Duckula] He said it himself, he's a "veggie-matarian"! Don't got no problem getting him to eat his greens, but he won't eat nothin' else!

Igor:
[Duckula has weapons planted on him] Ooh, Milord, what *can* these weapons foretell? Have you finally come to your senses?

Count Duckula:
[about Nanny crashing through the walls] I don't believe it! I *do* believe it; I just don't like it!

Von Goosewing:
Duckula! Your days are numbered! Soon, you monster, you will be no more!

[first lines]

Narrator:
To judge from the weather, one might almost imagine one was in Transylvania. But not so, gentle viewers. For this is London, and here we see a dejected doctor making his damp way through the dank and dreary downpour that is even now drowning datelessly.

Hawkeye Soammes:
[traveling to the castle] Aha! I believe we near our journey's end, Potson!

Hawkeye Soammes:
Yeah, what's that, sir?

Dr. Potson:
Unless my eyes deceive me, that gruesome looking *pile* up there is Castle Duckula!

Hawkeye Soammes:
Oh, amazing, Soames! Ha ha, amazing, how did you deduce *that*?

Dr. Potson:
Elementary, my dear Potson, cast your gaze upon the signpost yonder.

Dr. Potson:
Hmm? Oh. [reading the sign] "Castle Duckula, not far to go now!"

Hawkeye Soammes:
Count Duckula, I arrest you in the name of the law for the callous and brutal murder of Frau Gretchen Von Edelweiss!

[first lines]

Narrator:
On the dark Arctic Seas, a lone ship battles against blizzards, but on board is one who will freeze your blood faster than any icy wind, yes, it is Count Duckula, on a strange and sinister quest.

Count Duckula:
[singing] A life on the ocean waves, a life on the ocean waves!

Count Duckula:
I suppose we're lucky to have found this ship so quickly.

Igor:
Mm, quite so, sir, but I-, I must say I don't like the look of the crew.

Count Duckula:
I don't like the smell of them either; I bet they've never heard of soap.

Captain Penguin:
'Course I've heard of soap, I eats a bar a week whether I needs it or not, ha-harr!

Igor:
[points to map] Look here, captain, the master has cleverly worked out where we can find the Castle Duckula.

Count Duckula:
Yes, by my calculations, it should be just... [points to map] *here*!

Captain Penguin:
But that be the South Seas, sir! There be nothing but water down there, sir. Warm, mile upon mile of water, a man can go mad down there, sir. Mad, I tell ye, mad. Mad! [laughs maniacally]

Count Duckula:
Well, you muyst have been down there quite a bit!

Count Duckula:
Here, Igor, I don't know how you could just lose a castle.

Igor:
*Me*, sir? I hardly think I'm to blame, *you* were the one -

Count Duckula:
All right, all right, I must have said it wrong. But you must have left off the safety hatch.

Igor:
Me, sir? Oh no, sir, I was doing something dastardly with sulphur in the cellar. It was probably Nanny at the -

Count Duckula:
Oh, yes, it's very easy to blame poor Nanny.

Igor:
Actually, sir it is *very* easy to blame Nanny.

Count Duckula:
Well, let's do that, then.

Count Duckula, Igor:
Nanny!

Nanny:
[breaks out from under the deck] Ooh, I'll be glad to get back to our nice kitchen at home. How can you make a cup of tea in a silly little kitchen like that?

Count Duckula:
Well, Nannym, if you hadn't lost the castle -

Nanny:
Me lost the castle?

Igor:
You see, she admits it.

Tremendous Terrence:
What's the date today?

Count Duckula:
Er, the date, it's, er...May the 4th.

Tremendous Terrence:
Why, then, May the 4th be with you!

Nanny:
Are you saying my cocoa's lumpy?

Count Duckula:
Of course not! It's one big lump.

Igor:
Rather like Nanny herself, milord.

Count Duckula:
Hehe! Very good Igor! I don't care what everyone else says - you HAVE got a sense of humour. Somewhere.

Prehistoric Vampire:
[pops out of his stone coffin] Aha! Um... aha!

Count Duckula:
Aha what?

Prehistoric Vampire:
Just... aha!

Count Duckula:
You can't have just "aha". It doesn't make sense!

Prehistoric Vampire:
Look, I'm the world first vampire; all I know is "Aha". How do I know what makes sense?

Igor:
Oh, I was wondering why sir is out in the middle of the day.

Prehistoric Vampire:
Uh, um, middle of the... uh... is that wrong?

Igor:
Oh, indubitaby, sir. You should only come out at night.

Prehistoric Vampire:
Night? Night... that's that dark bit, isn't it? [laughs] I-I couldn't do that; you can't see a thing at night!

Count Duckula:
Oh, I suppose they haven't invented street lights yet!

Igor:
Have you tried sinking your teeth into something yet, sir?

Prehistoric Vampire:
Oh, yes! [laughs] I tried that for the first time this morning!

Igor:
Oh, everything went well, I trust, sir? The maiden was very tasty?

Prehistoric Vampire:
Maiden? [laughs] So *that's* what they're called, are they? Uh, no, it wasn't very tasty, now you come to mention it; it got very angry and it's been chasing me all day! In fact-uh-in fact, here comes that maiden again! Whoa-oh! [dives back into coffin]

Count Duckula:
[the "maiden" turns out to be a dinosaur] Wow-wowee-wow! Now *that's*what I call a healthy sized maiden!

[first lines]

Narrator:
Once more, we take you to the hostile peaks of Transylvania. Once more, we bring you to visit the despicable denizens of that ghastly castle! Once more... oh! They're all out! [reads sign] "Gone to fairgrounds, back before sunset"? Having an evil time...

Dr. Fexactely:
[starting the rollercoaster] Good afternoon, ladies and gentleman, this is you super-captain speaking; welcome to rollercoaster number one for our little trip. Our cruising altitude is a mystery to me, our speed wil be quite fast, and our destination is none of your business!

Dr. Fexactely:
[in the vegetable era] Oh it's about 4008. If my memory serves me right, an artichoke has just been made President of the United States of America, and two turnips have just landed on Venus.

Count Duckula:
Coo, just think, a turnip on Venus. Well that's a small step for a vegetable, but a giant leap for an Irish stew.

Dr. Fexactely:
Oh please, don't call me "Mister". I'm a doctor.

Nanny:
Ooh, a doctor. Could you look at my feet then? 'Cause they're not all they should be.

Dr. Fexactely:
Oh certainly! Open wide and say, 'Aah'.

Nanny:
Oh no! It's not my throat that hurts, it's my feet!

Dr. Fexactely:
Well in that case, get your feet to say 'Aah'.

Count Duckula:
Now if I say we go on the rollercoaster, we go on the rollercoaster, you too, Nanny.

Nanny:
Oooh no, I-I think I'll stay here and watch Mr. Igor take his head off.

Count Duckula:
Now look, I don't want to pull rank... but if you're not over by that rollercoaster in two seconds, I'll stand here... and... I'll sing.

Count Duckula:
[Nanny and Igor run off] I'm employing a couple of philistines.

Igor:
Phyllis Stein? Isn't that Gertrude's sister?

Count Duckula:
Spain, huh? Do they have any rain there?

Igor:
Mainly on the plain.

[first lines]

Narrator:
Be warned, dear viewer, this place is the most horrible, the most foul and wreaking spot known to man or beast, no other place on our lovely planet Earth compares to this *ghastly* plot and I don't mean this episode, I mean Castle Duckula... on a wet Tuesday.

Igor:
[explaining a plan] Nanny, sir. We dress *her* up as the bull and you fight her, she's big enough.

Nanny:
Are you saying I'm fat, Mr. Igor?

Igor:
Yes, Nanny.

Nanny:
Oh, well, that's all right, then!

Von Goosewing:
Ah, hey, hey! Do you know the fast way to get to Translyvania?

Igor:
I believe the subway is very reliable.

Don Diego:
Just because I'm tall and handsome and brave and good and kind and wonderful and... I-I-I-happen to chop up two or three of the villagers into tiny little pieces now and again... they dislike me! Ha ha, ha ha!

Count Duckula:
[laughs nervously] Y-y-y-you chopped-you chopped them up? Well, h-how many did you-you know, you chop-chop up there?

Don Diego:
Oh, well, uh, well, *all* of them.

Count Duckula:
Oh, just-just, you know, just all of them, huh?

Don Diego:
Well, except for the really fat ones. I save them for tonight!

[first lines]

Narrator:
Venice. A far cry from that terrain of terror that is Transylvania. And yet this fair city, this Gem of the Adriatic, is not bereft of its own fair share of evildoers, for here is hidden the headquarters of he who is known as The Egg! Come with me now, beneath the waters of the Grand Canal, if you dare!

Count Duckula:
[regarding the newly acquired portrait] Grateful nothing! We need another portrait in here like this castle needs more cobwebs!

[first lines]

Narrator:
This, O pale and cringing viewer, is Transylvania, house of the vampire ducks, where even now, the craggy rocks reverberate with the rapt and wretched ravings of... Count Duckula!

Lavinia Lavender:
Hello, I'm Lavinia Lavender. But of course, you've seen me on the screen. Shame about the old boy. Where's the will being read?

Crouch:
[responding to all of her statements] Indeed, madam, No, I'm afraid I haven't, madam. Indeed it is, madam. In the library, madam.

Count Duckula:
Okay, sir, thanks for dropping by.

Willoughby Stane:
Not at all, old boot.

Count Duckula:
Excuse me?

Willoughby Stane:
Sorry?

Count Duckula:
That's all right.

Willoughby Stane:
Right so. Um, anything else?

Count Duckula:
Um, no, no, nothing else. No I-yes, of course there's anything else! Like-like questions!

Willoughby Stane:
Ah.

Count Duckula:
Exactly. I'll start with an easy one. What's your name?

Willoughby Stane:
The Right Honorable Guy Syndrin Willoughby Stane.

Count Duckula:
Well, I *thought* it was an easy one. Let's-uh, let's keep it simple, huh? Just let me have your surname.

Willoughby Stane:
Willoughby Stane. [sounds like "Will you be stayin'"]

Count Duckula:
Yes, I certainly will! Until I get an answer to my question! Understand?

Willoughby Stane:
Oh, absolutely, old bean.

Count Duckula:
Okay! So what's the surname?

Willoughby Stane:
Willoughby Stane.

Count Duckula:
Look, I'm asking the questions! What's your name?

Willoughby Stane:
Willoughby Stane.

Count Duckula:
[groans in frustration]

Willoughby Stane:
No-no-no-no, that's my name!

Count Duckula:
Huh? Oh, ha! Oh, that's your name! Oh, I get it, I get it! [laughs mirthlessly] Huh, see, yeah! Willoughby Stane!

Willoughby Stane:
No, I'm leaving shortly.

Count Duckula:
Excuse me?

Willoughby Stane:
I'm leaving shortly.

Count Duckula:
But you said that you were Willoughby Stane!

Judge:
Count Duckula of Transylvania, you stand before the court accused of, [chuckles] *fowl* murder!

Judge:
And so, it only remains for me to pronounce sentence, Count Duckula.

Count Duckula:
Pronounce away!

Judge:
Sen-tence!

Count Duckula:
Very nicely pronounced!

Judge:
Thank you.

Count Duckula:
[is about to leave] Good-bye.

Judge:
Good-bye. Come back!

Count Duckula:
Drat!

Mr. Snatchett:
No, Mr. Chattam is in Cheatum, Mr. Cheatum is in Chattam and Mr. Run has gone for a walk!

Count Duckula:
[reading a letter] It says here the my great uncle, twice removed -

Nanny:
Ooh, where's he removed from?

Usher:
Call the next witness!

Court Voice #1:
[the voices ring out through the courtroom] Call the next witness!

Court Voice #2:
Call the next witness!

Court Voice #3:
Call the next witness!

Court Voice #4:
[on and on down the line, this is repeated until a voice in the back asks:] What shall we call him?

Court Voice #2:
What shall we call him?

Court Voice #4:
What shall we call him?

Igor:
Uh, call him Igor, of course!

Court Voice #5:
Call him "Igor, of course"!

Court Voice #2:
Call him "Igor, of course"!

Wimpy Lawyer:
Hello, Igor.

Igor:
*Mr.* Igor to you.

Wimpy Lawyer:
[snide tone] Oh, pardon me for breathing. Mr. Igor to you!

Usher:
Milord, I call me first witness. Nanny, take the stand.

Nanny:
Pardon?

Usher:
*Take*... the stand.

Nanny:
Are you sure?

Usher:
Take the stand! Take the stand!

Nanny:
Oh, all right! [Nanny rips the seat out of place] Thank you very much!

Mr. Snatchett:
[reading the will of the Duke and the word "source" sounds like "sauce"] "I have been receiving letters from an unknown source - "

Count Duckula:
Unknown sauce, eh? Could be onion, could be tomato, have you analysed his waistcoat?