Do Not Adjust Your Set

Denise:
This is a wonderful traditional Yuletide game. It's called the Indian Ocean Game. Everybody sits round in a circle, and the first person to mention that the Indian Ocean is forty thousand fathoms deep, loses.

Eric:
And now, "Turnaround" takes a look at Christmas round the world. And first of all, Africa. Come in, Africa.

[Man enters wearing a costume shaped like the continent of Africa]

Eric:
Thank you, Africa. And now, over to Australia. Come in, Australia.

[Shot of Michael, upside down]

Eric:
Hello Sydney!

Michael:
Hello Norman!

Eric:
Thank you, Afghanistan. And now, come in, Raquel Welch.

[No one enters]

Eric:
Oh well, it was worth a try.

Eric:
Bear in mind the simple rule, X squared to the power of two minus five over the seven point eight three times nineteen is approximately equal to the cube root of MCC squared divided by X minus a quarter of a third percent. Keep that in mind, and you can't go very far wrong.

Eric:
Don't forget, when you stir the Christmas pudding, make a wish.

Denise:
I wish I didn't have to stir this pudding.

Eric:
First of all, a big hello to all our viewers. Hello Mrs. Green, hello Mr. Green, hello Mum. I think that's everyone.

Eric:
Here's a word for all of those who've been lucky enough to get away for Christmas.

Escaped Convict:
Keep out of sight and don't appear on television.

Eric:
If every day were Christmas day/By some fantastic trick/If every day were Christmas day/We'd all be bloomin' SICK.

Eric:
The Minister of Transport issued this appeal to motorists: Can anyone give him a lift to Leicester?

[Finding a pair of ladies' underpants]

Eric:
Oh. You may wonder what these have to do with Christmas. The answer is, they're Carol's.

Terry:
You know, every Christmas, I feel like a little child. But we always get turkey.

Chef Ivor Clarke:
Ten shillings in sixpences, forty-two pounds in thruppences, and seven pence. It's going to be a rather rich pudding, but who cares.

Michael:
Here are some really exciting games you can play this Christmas. And first, from Terry, here is the A and B Game.

Terry:
Well, all the guests are divided into two teams, A and B. And B are the winners.... Well, you CAN make it more complicated if you want to.

Michael:
Here's a viewer's letter. It comes from Mrs. Margaret Forsdyke: "Since watching your program, I have become a new person. Yours sincerely, Mr. Arthur Vickers."

Michael:
I got three hundred and sixty Christmas cards!... And I'm not sending ANY of them until someone sends ME one.

Michael:
Now here's Denise to show you how to tell your friends' fortunes.

Denise:
Ask their bank managers.

Various:
[David Jason as Captain Fantastic, after a fish falls out of the sky and into his arms] I had found the place.