David Leary:
I'm very sorry about this, sir, I can assure you it won't happen again. Will it Ben?

Ben:
Who can predict the future?

David Leary:
I can.

Ben:
Dad when you said we could reinvent ourselves, I didn't know you meant as the Cleavers.

David Leary:
Well start unpacking, Beave.

Ben:
Pack this, Ward.

David Leary:
I heard that.

Roscoe "Fang" Bigger:
You were my friend and you betrayed me!

David Leary:
You thought we were friends? You beat me up, you humiliated me, I'm 35 years old and I still have nightmares about the fourth grade! That's not what friends do for eachother, a friend is supposed to make you feel good about yourself!

Roscoe "Fang" Bigger:
Really? Then you're the best friend I ever had!

Roscoe Bigger:
Chicken!

David Leary:
Pork roast!

Roscoe Bigger:
Okay who did that? If I find out who did that, I'll...

Stookie:
You'll what?

Roscoe Bigger:
Um... Well we'll just see.

Young Fang:
Hi Davy. Thought you were pretty funny this morning didn't ya?

Young David:
What are you talking about?

Young Fang:
The spelling bee. Mrs. Fitsimonds let you pick the words, and you picked USSR and everybody laughed when I got it wrong.

Young David:
I make the same mistake myself. Is it one S or two?

Art:
I remember the first time I tried to kill Betty.

David Leary:
...What?

Art:
Let me finish...

David Leary:
You tried to kill Betty?

Art:
Oh I see. I see, Mr. High-and-mighty. Hey, I didn't kill the shop teacher! Who killed the shop teacher? YOU killed the shop teacher! You killed 'em!

Art:
Hello. I'm Art.

Betty:
And I'm Betty.

Art:
And I'm Art.

Ben:
Which one's Betty again?

Betty:
Me.

Fang:
Drink your juice yet?

David:
No, why?

Fang:
'Peed in it.

David Leary:
You're alive!

Roscoe Bigger:
You're dead!

Kirby:
Dad are we really going to New York City?

Roscoe Bigger:
That's why they call them mobile homes, son, 'cause they're mobile.

Roscoe Bigger:
And when those junior psychos asked me what I was in there for, I had to tell them I was there because I STOLE A FREAKIN' ROCK!

Alan:
My dad knows a guy who knows a guy who works for NASA and he says if stare directly at the moon rock, you'll go blind.

Jerry:
Aw bullshit.

Roscoe Bigger:
One time we were making key chains and I accidentally cut off my thumb.

David Leary:
Holy shit.

Roscoe Bigger:
Yeah, so I went to the hospital but there was a line so I drove over to the hardware store, got some needle and thread, and sewed it back on.

David Leary:
You sewed on your own thumb?

Roscoe Bigger:
Yeah I'm good at stuff like that.

David Leary:
What is this?

Clark:
Hot Dish.

David Leary:
What's Hot Dish?

Clark:
Well, last week we had lasagna, then it become spaghetti and when it's finally unrecognizable, they call it Hot Dish.