Family Ties

Alex P. Keaton:
Hey, I don't mind if I toot my own horn. Toot, toot!

Mallory Keaton:
[panic-stricken] The light bulb is out in my bedroom! What are we going to do?

Andrew Keaton:
Alex is reading me "Robin Hood," where he robs from the poor and gives to the rich.

Steven Keaton:
That's not Robin Hood, that's Ronald Reagan.

Mallory Keaton:
Mom, I need to reevaluate my life. Do you have a minute?

Alex P. Keaton:
[Referring to a current infatuation] Of all the Basic Applied Economic Principles of Capitalism in the Post-Industrial Era Seminars in the world, you had to walk into mine.

Alex P. Keaton:
Mallory, someone stupid called... sometime today... about something trivial.

Mallory Keaton:
Alex you know that could be any one of my friends.

Alex P. Keaton:
People who have money don't need people.

[about his new boss, Rebecca Ryan]

Alex P. Keaton:
Face it, Keaton. She wants you.

Elyse Keaton:
Alex was offended by our political magazines and ripped them up.

Alex P. Keaton:
You have no proof.

Elyse Keaton:
Yes we do. We found your rattle on the floor next to the evidence.

Alex P. Keaton:
It could have Mallory's.

Elyse Keaton:
It was your Nixon rattle.

Steven Keaton:
I can't wait to try this Pasta Alex, Alex.

[Speaks with womanly voice]

Alex P. Keaton:
I love a man with a healthy appetite.

Alex P. Keaton:
It's just like taking candy from a baby.

Jennifer Keaton:
Brings back memories.

Alex P. Keaton:
Remember when we were kids and I run you over with my bicycle?

Erwin 'Skippy' Handleman:
Yes.

Alex P. Keaton:
I have a car now.

Mallory Keaton:
Dad, Alex, this is Jamie Carter.

Alex P. Keaton:
Aaaaah! [jumps into his father's arms]

Steven Keaton:
It's okay, Alex. She said Jamie, not Jimmy.

[Uncle Ned is an alcoholic]

Alex P. Keaton:
You just drank a whole bottle of vanilla extract.

Ned Donnelly:
I'm sorry; did you want some?

Alex P. Keaton:
[after Nick makes Andy a dream hat, to help him go to sleep] I had not idea Nick could be so... useful.

Elyse Keaton:
Don't you remember? We said we were going to be creative this year and make gifts instead of spending a lot of money Christmas shopping.

Steven Keaton:
Well, I know we said it, I just didn't know we meant it.

[drunken Ned throws newspaper clipping in the fireplace]

Alex P. Keaton:
Hey, don't do that. Here give me those.

Ned Donnelly:
Leave me alone!

Alex P. Keaton:
Give me those!

Ned Donnelly:
[screaming] LEAVE ME ALONE! [slaps Alex]

Steven Keaton:
What the hell are you doing?

Ned Donnelly:
I don't know. I don't know. I'm sorry. Sorry, Alex.

[Ned cries]

Steven Keaton:
[quietly, but furious] All right, Ned. That's it. It's over. Right now, either you get some help... or you get the hell outta my house.

Andrew Keaton:
Alex is King!

Alex P. Keaton:
[Mallory scored higher than Alex on an IQ test] I want you, Mallory! I want you! I can take you with one brain tied behind my back!

Nick Moore:
We can walk on coals / Have ninjas fight us / Just don't get gingivitis.

Steven Keaton:
[later as he's sleeping] We can walk on coals / Have ninjas fight us/ Just don't get gingivitis. [wakes up] Elyse, I had a nightmare. I dreamed I was Nick.

Mallory Keaton:
I shop, therefore I am.

Steven:
[reading from a card given to him by Alex] "Alex is more than a son. He's a companion, a friend, whom I can spend many long hours with discussing the economy, world events and politics." Alex, if I read this out loud, I'm afraid I'll be struck by lightning. [Alex nods towards Elyse]

Elyse Keaton:
[reading from her card] Mom, please read the "Alex is more than a son" speech, if dad refuses.

Steven Keaton:
I love you, Elyse.

Elyse Keaton:
No, I love you more, Steven. [Elyse and Steven make kissy noises through the telephone]

Alex P. Keaton:
[shouting from upstairs] Oh, for crying... will you hang up the phone?

Steven Keaton:
[walks into the kitchen] What's this?

Elyse Keaton:
Andrew drew it. It's a picture of a dog. I told him that he couldn't have a dog because Malory is allergic to dogs.

Steven Keaton:
What's this?

Elyse Keaton:
It's a picture of Malory moving away.

Steven Keaton:
[walks into the kitchen] What's this?

Elyse Keaton:
Andrew drew it. It's a picture of a dog. I told him that he couldn't have a dog because Mallory is allergic to dogs.

Steven Keaton:
What's this?

Elyse Keaton:
It's a picture of Mallory moving away.

Mallory Keaton:
The meaning of life? That's simple. Try to be happy, try not to hurt other people, and hope to fall in love.

Andrew Keaton:
Jennifer... I've witnessed the one state that has no capital. So you see, it's the responsibility of every American to look after Ireland.

[Alex has turned the house into a hotel to pay for car damage while parents were away]

Alex P. Keaton:
I can explain everything!

Steven Keaton:
Oh can you? Can you explain the valet parking in the drive way?... The flashing vacancy sign... in front of the house? The billboard on Route 41?

[Steven's reaction to Alex turning their house into a hotel]

Steven:
Alex, parents are conditioned to put up with a few minor accidents when they leave their children home alone. A broken vase, spilt milk on the rug... There was a kangaroo... in my living room.

Alex P. Keaton:
...He was just here for the party dad.

Steven:
Then I guess I'm overreacting.

Alex P. Keaton:
Come on dad, do you plan to be mad at us forever?

Steven Keaton:
...that is my plan.

Psychiatrist:
How do you know about Grant College?

Alex P. Keaton:
My sister Mallory goes there.

[scoffs]

Alex P. Keaton:
Grant College, the school that offers a course in the opening of an umbrella.

Psychiatrist:
I got an "A" in that course.

Nick Moore:
Look Mallory, I am only gonna say this once and if you don't believe me, I'm just going to turn around, walk out that door, and never come back: there is nothing going on between me and Victoria.

Mallory Keaton:
I don't believe you.

Nick Moore:
Mallory, I am only gonna say this twice: there is nothing going on between me and Victoria.

Nick Moore:
[to Mallory] You know, when I see you, my heart starts beating faster, my palms get sweaty, I get this funny kinda lump in the back of my throat. You know, that doesn't happen with nobody else, so either I love you or I'm allergic to you.

Mr. Heaney:
[to Alex on his first day of work] "Very rarely have I seen someone with your lust for money that is not in jail."

Jennifer Keaton:
I scored a goal with my head.

Mallory Keaton:
I'm really happy for you.

Jennifer Keaton:
I also scored a goal with someone else's head.

Steven Keaton:
Who are all these boys coming over to our house wanting our daughter... I hate them.

Steven Keaton:
Elyse, our daughter is dating Rambo!

Eugene Forbes:
[after Jenifer leaves the room] I met the mother of my children.

Mallory Keaton:
[On the meaning of life] Be happy; try not to hurt other people; and hope that you fall in love.

Mallory Keaton:
My family is pretty simple. As long as you follow a few simple rules. Don't get my father talking on capital punishment. Don't get my mom talking on women's lib. And don't get Alex talking.

Alex P. Keaton:
Thomas Jefferson wasn’t Thomas Jefferson until he became Thomas Jefferson! You know, one day he was just Thomas Jefferson, then the next day he was-

Steven Keaton:
Let me guess, Thomas Jefferson?

Alex P. Keaton:
Yes!