Jersey Shore

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I'm going to the Jersey Shore, b*tch!

Sammi 'Sweetheart' Giancola:
I'm the sweetest b*tch you'll ever meet.

Jenni Farley:
After I have sex with a guy, I will rip their heads off.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Out here in Rhode Island, Guidos; when we stop, our chromes keep spinning.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
I got a f***ing tanning bed in my place. That's how serious I am about being a Guido and living up to that lifestyle.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
I'm your girl's favourite DJ.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
I want the Guidettes to cum in their pants when they hear my music.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
My abs are so ripped up, it's called; the Situation.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
I mean, you can hate on me all you want but what can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo, pretty much, with his shirt off?

Sammi 'Sweetheart' Giancola:
If you're not a Guido then you can get the f*** out of my face.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Guys with the blow-outs and fake tans and... that guy wears lip gloss and make up. Those aren't Guidos, they're retards!

Vinny Guadagnino:
Bye Ma... stop crying.

Jenni Farley:
If you don't know me then you hate me and you wish you were me.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
My only rule; never fall in love at the Jersey Shore. Never, ever, ever.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
I can't be with a girl that looks prettier than me.

Vinny Guadagnino:
First thing I see is this spiky haired Guido kid and I'm like; this kid's perfect. Then I see this big, muscular Guido kid. Sammi's not the hottest girl, you know what I mean? I would definitely expect a little hotter.

Vinny Guadagnino:
I see her get out of the car. All I see is big fake b*obs, black hair with blonde streaks. You can tell she's a little high maintenance.

Vinny Guadagnino:
I'm not hating on the girl but you can just say your real name. I don't say; Hey, what's up? My name is, V-Woww. You know what I'm saying?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Hello! Party's here!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Snooker or Snook. No. What did he call her? Snicki? Snooks? Snicks? Snickers? I don't even know what it is.

Vinny Guadagnino:
I'm the smallest guy here. F***!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
And then in walks this girl with garbage bags. I thought that was kind of ghetto and, like, weird. Like, you can't find a suitcase? No one in your family has a suitcase you can borrow?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
What kind of person gets a duck phone to talk on?

Vinny Guadagnino:
Jwoww, you didn't mention you had a boyfriend all night. What a shady b*tch!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I'm on the outcast.

Jenni Farley:
Don't make a joke out of 'grace'.

Vinny Guadagnino:
They don't make women like my mother anymore.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
[about Angelina] You have proven the equation that people have been trying to solve for hundreds of years. That, when you're nice to a chick and take her on four dates, you snuggle with the girl...

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
-she don't like you.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
-You buy her gifts...

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
-She will not call you.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
She will not call you. She will play you the f*** out and then she will f*** somebody three days later when she's drunk with somebody she hates!

Vinny Guadagnino:
Do we have any red cups?

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
I think that's the least of your worries. We heard you like to visit the Staten Island dump this time of year. Is it true?

Vinny Guadagnino:
Yes it is.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Ohhh!

Angelina Pivarnick:
[chuckles] That it is.

Vinny Guadagnino:
[on sleeping with Angelina] It's called; when a guy is a dick to you...

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
-You automatically win.

Vinny Guadagnino:
He owns you.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
[to Angelina] You were dating Jose. You were going to buy the kid a birthday gift. Yeah. Happy Birthday, I banged my f***ing roommate. Oh! F***ing sh*t!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Oh! Nice birthday present, Angelina!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Nice birthday present.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Remind me not to get you something.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
[about Angelina sleeping with Vinny] I don't give a f***. You had my sloppy seconds. Good for you and obviously you're a loosey goose because he got it in.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
This chick is supposed to be hooking up with you right now but guess what? She went with me right now and I'm taking her home tonight.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
After all this; 'I feel bad I've got a boyfriend'. What? You should've felt bad at the club when I was grabbing up on your ass.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
[to Mike] I can't believe your chick bounced. Did you try to put it in her butt or something? Why did she leave?

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
There's one thing I don't like is my boy Pauly bringing home a girl and that never happens. It never happens and this chick was just straight like, whatever. Ain't nothing wrong with that, you know because uh, I had a front uh, row seat to a slam session. I sit back with my egg sandwich and I'm just eating my egg sandwich. Like, and then once in awhile Pauly would look at me and I'd be like; 'Yeah dog. Keep going, dog.'

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
Angelina's a pimp, you know? She was literally all over Vinny's sack the other night and now tonight she's all over Jose. She's got game. I mean, you can't hate on her.

Angelina Pivarnick:
Some people think 'hooking up' means kissing. Some people think 'hooking up' means having sex but if he's going to think that I just kissed Vinny, then we don't have to go ahead and tell him any more.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Sometimes you meet the right girl who deserves to be wined and dined and you know, wifed up.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
[to Rocio] I want to take you out. Vinny's going to take that girl, the one he's in love with. So I was going to take the girls I'm in love with... [Rocio swoons]... and I figured you could come too.

Vinny Guadagnino:
We don't go on dates.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
What the hell's a date?

Vinny Guadagnino:
[on his date with Romona] I can't wait. I'm going to f***ing stand there with my flowers, bro and let the f***ing music play!

Jenni Farley:
You're going to tag along on a date?

Vinny Guadagnino:
No. We've got like this serious double thing, you know?

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
It doesn't look too serious since she's late right now. [laughs]

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Bugs in the Everglades are huge. They're about the size of Snooki.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Bro, I'm throwing up f***ing frog legs.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
[waiting for Romona] Oh! Somebody's nervous!

Vinny Guadagnino:
Shut the f*** up, bro.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Don't be nervous, broo!

Vinny Guadagnino:
[to Romona] You're only like, 45 minutes late. I'm proud of you.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Pauly, Pauly! Come here. Come here. Come her.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
What's the issue?

Vinny Guadagnino:
These girls want to have a threesome.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
That's not an issue.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Pauly...

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
If these girls want to have a threesome with you, that's not an issue.

Vinny Guadagnino:
When you actually have a good girl out there, say 'no' to Hoes.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
If you want me to cook and poison everybody and we're going to be dead in two minutes; whatever.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
Mike's definitely a pot stirrer, yes. He likes to cause a lot of problems and then go take a nap after he does it.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
She was like; 'oh hey, Nicole. I'm going to help you cook some Tacos'. Like a f***ing sarcastic b*tch.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Tan-orexic!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
How the f*** did I call you 'fake'?

Jenni Farley:
That's what I heard!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
FROM WHO?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Aaah!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
[to Snooki] I said that she was fake?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
No...

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
All right then! What are you talking about? Yous are all f***ing nuts!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
My blood pressure's off the roof.

Sammi 'Sweetheart' Giancola:
Mike can be funny at times then you want to just kill him the next. He's actually a good guy deep down. I just think that he likes to be a little troublemaker sometimes.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
It's our last meal together and then we got to pack. So I'm cooking breakfast. Some eggs, bacon, toast and guess what? Some sausage for that ass.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
A crow comes and it starts quacking at us. Er, not quacking. What's a crow do? Usually when a crow comes and does that, that means; you're going to die and it's warning you of your death. So right now we're thinking; 'who's going to die right now'? Not going to be me.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
This is not my first rodeo. So I kind of knew from uh, last year in Jersey that it really doesn't hit you until you uh, maybe hug that last person and you walk out the door. Wow like, it's really over.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Oh my God I'm going to miss Miami.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
G.T.L, baby! Gym, tan, laundry!

Vinny Guadagnino:
[about Mike's sister] She looked like Mike with a wig on. I was... a little bit freaked out.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
I learned a long time ago, being a wing-man for the Situation is not a good idea.

Herself - 'Snooki':
And one girl starts, like, charging me like a f***ing Hippo.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
I can definitely say that I felt bad about Snookers getting hit by a couple of linebackers. I necessarily didn't want to bring home any sort of zoo creatures what-so-ever. I mean, these brauds just probably smelt the food at the house.

Herself - 'Snooki':
Don't bring home any f***ing elephants like that ever again!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Guys are douche bags and I hate them all. They don't know how to deal with women and I feel this is why the lesbian rate is going up in this Country.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
It's just a big ball of f***ness. It's a new word; f***ness.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
I don't like tests. That's why I didn't go to College. Don't test me because I will fail the majority of the time.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
You need to be on your tip top game with your G.T.L. to stay F.T.D to get the girls to D.T.F in M.I.A. Say that five times.

Jenni Farley:
We'll go to a local place and we'll type an anonymous letter. That's a genius idea.

Vinny Guadagnino:
All of a sudden, Ronnie has to get up and go to the bathroom and my man is puking up a storm. This sh*t is just pouring out nonstop like the Exorcist.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
One of you farted and it's coming into my mouth.

Vinny Guadagnino:
I'm in Miami. I don't want girls studying for finals. I want girls studying for dick.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Do we have a butter-face flavour or what?

Jenni Farley:
Bond...

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Snooki Bond.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Jenni's tits definitely defy gravity. I think Albert Einstein should come back and rewrite his laws of physics and work it around Jenni's tits.

Vinny Guadagnino:
I'm like; did I bang Snooki last night? Did I do the unthinkable?

Vinny Guadagnino:
I mean, Mike and Pauly would take home a stray dog if there was no girls left.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
At one particular point, I remember I was in the jacuzzi and I finally put some water on my face and I was like, oh! We've got grenades, man!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
It was like some sort of rubbery... something. It was like a... a rubbery... I don't know what the f*** it was.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
It looks like a chicken cutlet.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I go crazy in this house, living with nut jobs.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
[about Vinny] He's my big brother. I love him. But usually you don't have sex with your big brother.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
If you're looking good, you're feeling good. If you're feeling good, you get good results.

Jenni Farley:
[flipping through a book] Junk. Junk.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I am drunk. I don't give a sh*t.

Jenni Farley:
No, junk.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Oh...

Vinny Guadagnino:
If you've got the phatest gear and no one can come into your atmosphere. Then you're a part of T-shirt time and you will be until we yell; 'cabs are here'!

Vinny Guadagnino:
Yo tits! I mean, Jenni. Are you in the bathroom?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
So Jenni comes out in her outfit and I'm like; 'this girl's a whore'. But that's why I love her.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
I'm like sitting there with Sam, waiting to dance and all of a sudden she's like; 'all right. We've got to go'. I'm like; 'what? Like, it's 3:15am. I just got here'. And somebody pissed all over my parade. All over my parade.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
[to a girl who wasn't D.T.F] Don't come over at somebody's house at 5am and expect to just watch and play checkers!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
So I walk out into the kitchen, there's frigging Firemen here. One; tall, you know? Tan and he looked Italian. So I would've smushed that, yes.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Yo, want to know something that's crazy? At one point we all didn't know any of us. Like, you know what I'm saying? Now look at us. We know each other's flaws. We know how to push each other's buttons. We all know know what Snook's cooka looks like.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
I think all of our arguments are mainly because of Sam. She starts 99% of the fights. It's like, what the f***?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I'm a whore? Hello. I made-out with Pauly, made-out with Mike and tried to have sex with Vinny. So... whatever.

Jenni Farley:
Everyone. I mean, everyone. Somehow everyone's hooked up in this house.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
We're nymphos!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
[on the phone] Yeah. I've got a situation, sir. My car has been, uh... uh... uhhhhh...

Vinny Guadagnino:
[in Mike's ear] -Towed.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Towed!

Vinny Guadagnino:
[on his way to the Impound with Mike] We're asking for directions. We're dodging cars. Dodging raindrops. This is like the Guido's version of the Amazing Race.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Yo, I swear that every single girl from Canadia is f***ing hot.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
Jose's definitely getting played... like a piano.

Angelina Pivarnick:
He's my type of guy but I'm the woman so I pick and choose when I want to have sex with a guy.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
How the hell did I wake up and my hair's still done?

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
It's not sad that there's a double standard. Everybody knows there's a double standard. Everybody loves a guy that gets girls. He's the man. He's the pimp. And then everybody doesn't like a girl who is a ho and that's Angelina.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Stop! My cooka's out!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
It's T-shirt time!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
I cleaned the house. I cleaned the bathrooms. And I find a tampon chillin' right on the floor.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Yo shut your mouth, you dirty little hamster!

Angelina Pivarnick:
You look like Popeye on crack!

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point.

DJ Pauly D:
First we start off banging the ground. We're banging it as the beat builds cause that beat's hitting us so we're fighting back. It's like we beat up that beat.

DJ Pauly D:
My girl is f***ing busted so I'm, like, I'm just trying to go with the flow.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
And then I hear her girlfriend, like, standing over me like; what are you doing... under the covers? I was just like; oh wow! I was like; what is going on right now?

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
That girl was... was like a... she was a bomb, pretty much and Pauly did not know the code to decipher that bomb.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
[about Angelina] Yo she's so big, dog. She broke the bed, dog.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I'm not sure what lobsters eat but I think they eat like, insects or something. So I was going to feed them like, worms.

Jenni Farley:
A little homosexual; three guys in a hot tub.

Jenni Farley:
[about Sammi] I used to beat girls up like that in High School.

Vinny Guadagnino:
[on finally seeing Ramona] I'm going to strangle you.

Jenni Farley:
[to Angelina] You should know about trashy, baby! You're from Staten Island!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I am tan! I like being tan, b*tch!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
His name is Ronnie but you can probably call him; Sloppy Joe.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
I can't stand this weather. You can't get a tan in this weather, you can't creep in this weather, you can't do anything. Girls don't come out in this weather, they stay in the house.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I don't go tanning- tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning and I feel he did that intentionally for us. McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning... because he's pale and he would probably want to be tan.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
We're going to Miami, b*tch!

Vinny Guadagnino:
The Jersey Shore is going to take over Miami this year, baby!

Angelina Pivarnick:
The b*tch of Staten Island is back!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Who does AAA call when AAA gets struck?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Eating fried pickles was a life changing experience.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Obviously, he like, f***ed his sister for a living.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I feel like a pilgrim from the friggin' 20's, washing sh*t right now.

Jenni Farley:
You want to go outside right now? We'll f***ing go right the f*** outside!

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
So I come home and uh, some dude's in my kitchen and Mike's sitting still. Mike's got A.D.D so he never sits still. So I'm a little worried at this point.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
[after the tampon fight between Mike and Angelina] This guy definitely wrote down a fake number because who the hell would want Angelina to call him after that?

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
[about Angelina] She brought all these random people home. She's a girl, you don't do that. That's a guy thing. Guy's do that. Not girls.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Mike brought home the Canadian, eh? And he wanted to show the Canadian what the Situation was all aboot.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Hey Canadian! Did you know that you made Nutella?

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
[after sex with screaming Canadian] I love Canada!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
I will say that you were wrong for sleeping in my bed last night, just admit it. Seriously.

Angelina Pivarnick:
I said; 'thank you' when you were standing outside right in front of the kid's face.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
That was because Jose apologized! Just tell me, face-to-face, that you should have at least asked me.

Angelina Pivarnick:
Drop it. Now drop it.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
No. Who the f*** are you to say; 'drop it'?

Angelina Pivarnick:
Drop it.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
You slept in my bed!

Angelina Pivarnick:
Drop it.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Drop your f***ing big ass!

Angelina Pivarnick:
Drop your ugly face!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
It's break-up-the-entire-house time!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Oh yeah! Wake up! Yeah! Oh yeah! Wake up! Yeah! Burgers for the boys!

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
I love Pauly. He's just... he's going to have an alarm clock soon.

Vinny Guadagnino:
[about Angelina's violent departure] Tell you what though, she went out with a bang. That's for sure.

Jenni Farley:
Or at least six of them.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
You can't have this shelf and you can't have this shelf.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Ok.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
You also can't have this shelf.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Ok.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
But you can have all of Angelina's shelf.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Oh, what's that? Just the floor?

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Just the floor, bro.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Oh... all right...

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
What I'd love to find is a Guido, juice-head with my personality. My style. And is not a cheater. Can I find that somewhere cause I'm not going to go on match.com again.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
Angelina's like; 'well I don't know what I'm doing with myself yet'. What does that mean? What are you talking about?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I think Angelina loves my sloppy seconds cause she goes to Vinny and then she's trying to go with what's his name? Like, what are you doing? If you want to make-out with me, just ask. I will say; 'yes'.

Angelina Pivarnick:
All of yous in this house are f***ing faaaake! And I want all of you to know that I can't stand any of yous! Fake a**holes, all of you!

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
Standing in one corner; 4ft 9, two inches with the poof, Snooki 'Sh*t-faced' Polizzi. Standing in the other corner; at 322 pounds is the Staten Island dump.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
[after fighting with Angelina] I'm still here! Heeeey! I'm still pretty! Heeey! I'm still pretty, b*tch!

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
It's beating a baby; Snooki, like, you know what I mean? Like, she's so tiny. Like, her arms are like tyrannosaurus rex arms like, you know what I mean? She can't even get a full reach.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
[about Snooki and Angelina's brawl] Is this going to go to a decision or is there going to be a knockout?

Angelina Pivarnick:
[Angelina's famous last words to Mike] Yo, you look like you're forty. Get some f***ing botox, bro!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
To call me; 'fake' is just some... it's blasphemy to talk against the leader like that. In other Countries you get hung for that type of sh*t.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Pickles are my thing, like, and the boys, like, always stare at me for eating pickles cause I eat it like a pervert.

DJ Pauly D:
If Jwoww was my girl, I'd break up with her in a second.

DJ Pauly D:
The fact that Jwoww broke up with her boyfriend, it just means that she'll feel less guilty now when she hooks up with me.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I had a feeling where I wanted to make out with somebody so, uh, I just made out with Ryder... cause all the guys like that.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
You better wash dishes from now on.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Yeah. F*** my f***ing a**hole right now.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
[about Sammi] At first, I was all about, like, I'm not going to sh*t where I sleep. But, I mean, for her I would roll around in my sh*t all day to be honest with you.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
[about the bbq on fire] Pauly, take care of it before we blow the f*** up.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
I told Pauly D to start the grill and he puts charcoal in a gas grill, then he asks me to light it and we were this close to pretty much blowing up the house.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
Honestly, I thought the Shore house was the best thing to happen to me but you are.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Who the f*** hits a girl like that?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Oh my God! Please don't tell me I have missing teeth! Please don't tell me I have missing teeth!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
[about Sammi] I'm not touching one dish because I cooked a crazy meal and she's got the nerve to tell me to clean my plate. You know what? You are excluded from dinner then. From now on, you're excluded from surf and turf night. You're excluded from ravioli night. You're excluded from chicken cutlet night.

DJ Pauly D:
My hair didn't even move an inch and I was in and out of the water. My hair's windproof, waterproof, soccer-proof, motorcycle-proof. I'm not sure if my hair's bulletproof. I'm not willing to try that.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
Pauly and Mike are always looking for girls, you know what I mean? I think they're going fishing tonight. They'll probably scrape something off of the boardwalk.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Listen to me, I dance because of something inside of me.

Vinny Guadagnino:
I feel the beat, right? It might, just so happen, that my fists might just pump in the air. Like, it might just happen. It has nothing to do with New Jersey or New York.

Jenni Farley:
She called Snickers fat and that, like, triggered me... umm, so I threw my drink in her face.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I look over and I see, like, hair being pulled and all this sh*t. I was like; oh my God. How do I get in?

Vinny Guadagnino:
So are these just regular turntables?

DJ Pauly D:
Well, they're Technique 1200 M5G's. They're not regular turntables, they're the best turntables you can buy. This is a Rain TTM 57 SL...

Vinny Guadagnino:
-All right, shut the f*** up. I'm getting the f*** out of here.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
[about Tom] This kid is in love. Jwoww's p*ssy must be rainbows and pots of treasure.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
[about JWoww & Tom's relationship] I would give her dick and bubblegum. I would send her a picture of my dick and a pack of bubblegum and say; chew on this.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Yeah, I'm the youngest guy in the house. But I'm the most mature person in the house.

Vinny Guadagnino:
I took the bosses girl!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
I'll be flipping pancakes while people are punching themselves in the face.

Vinny Guadagnino:
There's a pain in my eye. I don't know what it is. I think I have sand in my eye. I got to take a Doctor's appointment and right away I'm reminiscent about getting pink-eye in Jersey.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
I'm not ready to perform right now. I'm like a Ferrari. I'm high maintenance.

Jenni Farley:
It was Sam's idea to have this dinner. She did not contribute sh*t. Like, jack sh*t!

Vinny Guadagnino:
Oh sh*t! It's hard to look this fresh.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
The Situation's spending a lot of time with this girl that- she's got all the clues that lead me to believe she's a man. She was wearing something to hide that Adam's Apple. She had something on her hands. So we think the Situation might have gotten himself into a situation with a tranny over here.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
The new phrase in Miami is if you got to think about it...

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
-if you have to think about it...

Vinny Guadagnino:
-if you have to think about it...

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
-if you even have to hesitate to think...

Jenni Farley:
-it is!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
It is!

Vinny Guadagnino:
It's usually a dude!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
It's a tranny! Stay away!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
I don't even know what I was... I must've... uh... I don't even know. Who knows, dog? I don't know what the f*** I was thinking. That's the first time, first time that has happened. But I'm a trooper, man. I'm the Situation, man!

DJ Pauly D:
I heart Jewish girls... oh my God...

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I'm not trashy... unless I drink too much.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Yo, Pauly D has a little situation on his hands. She's definitely a stage 5 clinger.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Vinny has been hating on me. So what I decided to do was to get about, like, three inches of grated cheese, add a little milk, a little supreme dressing, a tiny bit of mayo and a little Snicker's pickle juice all wrapped in one. A little Hater-ade.

DJ Pauly D:
You stalked my entire life on the boardwalk.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
It's obvious that Sammi has a crush on me and that's obvious. It goes back to the days of prehistoric kindergarten.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Well like, Ronnie, you need to explain yourself cause you don't know me. You don't know me. Neither does he know me neither!

Vinny Guadagnino:
Snooki's outfit is crazy. She looks like a birthday cake.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
That's one shot! That's one shot, kid!

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
It was self-defense, bro. Like honestly...

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
It's like putting firecrackers in a dumpster. One match and poof!

Sammi 'Sweetheart' Giancola:
F*** with me again! I don't f*** around!

Jenni Farley:
Yeah. We'll see who gets the last laugh.

Sammi 'Sweetheart' Giancola:
Yeah. We will see, honey.

Sammi 'Sweetheart' Giancola:
How does it feel Jenni to have the crap beat out of you from me? How does it feel, Jenni? I'm basking in it right now.

Sammi 'Sweetheart' Giancola:
I was on the ground like this. I was like, d'oh! with my turkey sandwich. Like, holy f***! What just happened to me?

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Is there anymore turkey sandwich?

Angelina Pivarnick:
Vinny, now I know, is the biggest f***ing troublemaker I've ever met. Wait until he gets back on Staten Island because he's f***ing going down.

Sammi 'Sweetheart' Giancola:
[Sammi notices Melissa listening] Melissa...

Angelina Pivarnick:
Melissa, and he tried to f*** Snooki.

Sammi 'Sweetheart' Giancola:
I feel like after the fight like, some weight's been lifted off my shoulders. This is probably like, the best accomplishment I've had in a long time. Like, literally kicked the sh*t out of Jenni; best accomplishment.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
She wakes up. Her hair's all disheveled. Her eyelashes are hanging off. It's like, oh here comes the Beast. Roar!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Nothing like a nice herpes to ruin the party.

Angelina Pivarnick:
How funny is it, the difference between me now and me in Jersey?

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Oh yeah. You were a big b*tch.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Jose has taken Angelina on a number of dates, buying her a Fossil watch. I don't know how much it was. 39.99. 49.99. The man should be smashing.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
There's so many things I want to do in life. Bungy jump...

Jenni Farley:
I call that white people syndrome. Only crazy white people do that.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I'm not white.

Jenni Farley:
What?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I'm not white.

Jenni Farley:
What are you?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Tan.

Angelina Pivarnick:
You really are a f***ing troublemaker. Let Vinny sit there and nobody f***ing cares about what he started.

Vinny Guadagnino:
It had to do with you. I wanted you to get confronted about talking sh*t, not her. Everybody talks crap about each other but this one...

Angelina Pivarnick:
And let me ask you a question...

Vinny Guadagnino:
Stop defending yourself!

Angelina Pivarnick:
What f***ing p*ssy are you that you have to go back to a girl and start sh*t?

Vinny Guadagnino:
You're f***ing shady!

Angelina Pivarnick:
I'm not shady!

Vinny Guadagnino:
You're f***ing shady!

Angelina Pivarnick:
Yeah. What'd you grow balls all of a sudden? No one wants to hear you.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Shut your f***ing truck driver mouth!

Angelina Pivarnick:
Who's the truck driver bringing home skanks like you?

Vinny Guadagnino:
Get the f*** out of here.

Angelina Pivarnick:
You and your dirty grenades...

Vinny Guadagnino:
Get the f*** out of here.

Angelina Pivarnick:
-Trying to ride on Mike and Pauly's bandwagon.

Vinny Guadagnino:
You're the dirtiest one.

Angelina Pivarnick:
I have- Honey, I'm- I know I'm the best right now so I don't care what you have to say about me.

Vinny Guadagnino:
All right, Kim Kardashian...

Angelina Pivarnick:
That's right!

Vinny Guadagnino:
-You're more like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island, you ugly b*tch!

Angelina Pivarnick:
Shut the f*** up, you little f***ing 22 year old little f***ing p*ssy!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Oh my God...

Angelina Pivarnick:
Ugh! I hate him. I hate Vinny. I hate him. I can't stand him.

Angelina Pivarnick:
Go f*** yourself!

Vinny Guadagnino:
I'm just shutting up so you shut up.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
He made out scot-free. Ron made out scot-free.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Oh yeah. Ron's MacGyver, bro.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Sam knew while they were together, he was still 'dogging her'. The girl was pretty much peed on by Ronnie. I mean, he peed in many different ways and uh, she just took it and smiled. Just like when you're little and you want to believe Santa Claus is alive. Motherf***ing Santa Claus is dead!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
F.Y.I, I'm not f***ing cooking tacos tonight!

Jenni Farley:
Nicole is hooking up with Dennis and I want to vomit and I am traumatized for the rest of my life. The sounds were horrendous and I never want to hear them again. It would basically be like, moaning. 'Oh, what's your last name?' Moaning. 'Do you have any kids?' It was the most f***ed up night I've ever had.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Mission Accomplished! We cleaned the smush room. Very proud of us and now I'm waiting for... I don't even know his name... I'm waiting for Dennis.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Marco is grenade, grundel, chode.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Angelina thinks like a guy so she wants to get laid. Vinny is a guy so he wants to get laid. That's Miami for you.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Angelina's wide, bro.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Can we stop so Vinny can buy a Fossil watch? He's trying to get in there, bro.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Yo, Snooks is getting f***ed up right now.

Vinny Guadagnino:
Getting it in?

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
You can hear it. Snooks, we can hear it, girl! Wah!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
[from bedroom] Go away!

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
[pokes head inside] I'm getting f***ed. Wah! Wah!

Angelina Pivarnick:
I'm in Miami. I'm a single girl. I can do whatever I want. Vinny's cute, I'm down for it. I don't care, you know?

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Yo Vinny, why don't you check the Staten Island dump? I heard you like to visit it this time of year! [laughs]

Jenni Farley:
Yo, it's Guerilla central out there. Get the f*** up. Juice-heads everywhere!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Hey Ma, this is my new girlfriend for the next couple months until I break up with her when summer starts.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
I hate guys. I should be a f***ing lesbian.

DJ Pauly D:
We stayed boys throughout this whole thing. This bond that we share, brings us together and no one can ever take that away from us, ever. Like we take that with us for life, that bond... that was deep. That was really deep.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
To us passed the Jersey Shore.

Sammi 'Sweetheart' Giancola:
To us passed the Jersey Shore.

Vinny Guadagnino:
If Pauly ain't getting a date, I don't feel bad because he's like, ridiculously, ridiculously good looking.

DJ Pauly D:
You've got such good taste in men.

Vinny Guadagnino:
I actually respect Mike a little more now because he laughed at me saying he brings home bulldog looking girls.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Try me...

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Try? If you're hungry try a Snickers?

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Yeah. Try me.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
All right. [they kiss]

Vinny Guadagnino:
So guys, this is our last dinner together. I can't process it. Am I the only one?

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
This whole summer has been pretty wild, pretty crazy. Lots of fights. Lots of hookups. Lots of drama.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Down here at the Shore, one minute you've got three girls in the jacuzzi, the next minute somebody's in jail and you have to bail them out. That's what happens down at the Shore.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Maybe we should get a Shore house next- next summer.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
See you next summer!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
The Snook... is out.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
Ronnie's new name is I.F.F. I.F.F is the I'm F***ed Foundation. He's a client and the president.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
They actually left it on the floor and then called me and said; what should we do about the chicken on the floor?... Pick the sh*t up, dog!

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
[to JWoww] Oh, boobies! I can see your boobies!

Jenni Farley:
[to Angelina] If you want to get your ass beat, you can get your ass beat! You can stay and get your ass beat! You can stay and get your f***ing ass beat! You can stay and get your f***ing ass beat!

Angelina Pivarnick:
I didn't die, a**hole.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
My boss seems to think that my hair is going to fall off and go into the ice cream. This hair ain't moving, my dude. 150 MPH on the Highway, on a street bike, it doesn't move. What makes you think it's going to move in a Gelato shop?

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
I look over and I see Angelina dancing with girls. I mean, I think a lot of girls like both nowadays anyways. So it's not surprising but... it's interesting.

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
[to Angelina] Are you touching me? Stop touching me!

Jenni Farley:
It's gay pride week in Miami... so exciting!

Jenni Farley:
Gay pride! Yay!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
You know, I'm hooking up with this girl. Your girl's girl and her girlfriend's, girlfriend's girlfriend. Somebodies got to do it.

Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi:
Do you know what gay guys do? They're not attracted to vagina. They're attracted to butt hole, ok?

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Now I have Kristen and she brought her friend who just happens to be a hippopotamus.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
I put the hippopotamus to bed then I take Christine or Kristen- pfft, whatever her name was- into the, uh, smash room and ummm... do you want me to say what happens next?

Himself - DJ Pauly D:
My girl had a very good night and um, I had a good night too and um, Vinny and Mike had a good night as well.

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Clean the house, you dirty mutt!

Angelina Pivarnick:
Shut the f*** up! Say please...

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
You know what?

Angelina Pivarnick:
-Say please!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
You know what? Please hit the f***ing treadmill! Please!

Angelina Pivarnick:
Who are you to me? Who are you to me?

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Maybe if you did something in the house, I wouldn't say nothing!

Angelina Pivarnick:
I do the dishes all the time in this house!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
My ass! My ass!

Angelina Pivarnick:
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Shut up!

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
You know what? Don't even hit the treadmill. Hit the elliptical, it's better for you.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
I'm definitely not a Saint. If I probably walked through a church right now, I'd f***ing burst into flames to be honest with you.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
I think I can talk my way out of the hole I've dug myself into. I mean, how bigs a grave, six feet? I'm probably like two and half, three feet down right now.

Angelina Pivarnick:
I feel like this job is beneath me. I'm a bartender. I do, like, you know, great things.

DJ Pauly D:
In a weird Snookers world, like, me and Snookers would make, like, the best, like, little Guidos and Guidettes. Little poofs and blow-outs on all our little kids.

DJ Pauly D:
Jwoww has a boyfriend but she's the type of girl that doesn't care.

Jenni Farley:
[about Pauly] You have your pierced penis.

Vinny Guadagnino:
So I wake up this morning and I noticed my eye is a little puffy. Holy sh*t! I've got pink-eye.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
I think he got pink-eye cause he was dancing with this skank. Well you figure when you're diving through this fat chick's leg maybe she let something out when he was sliding through and it got particles got in his eye or something like that.

Jenni Farley:
I left the club early because I didn't want to cheat on my boyfriend and I felt like eating ham and drinking water. Ham!

DJ Pauly D:
Don't let this spiked hair fool you, like, I'm not a b*tch.

Angelina Pivarnick:
I am cock block. Mmhmm. Yeah. I'm not going to lie.

Angelina Pivarnick:
I mean, if the girl's a slut, she should be abused.

Ronnie Ortiz-Magro:
[to Mike] Calm down, Popeye.

Herself - 'Snooki':
Can I have a roll, please?

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino:
Don't worry, you got a couple.

Jenni Farley:
[about Mike] He had the Bouncers escort me out. So when he comes in here, I'm going to punch him in the face.