Mulaney

Ice-T (announcer):
[Opening credits narration] Mulaney is filmed in front of a live studio audience, okay?

[Repeated line]

Oscar:
Oh, hello.

Oscar:
I smelled yogurt. Are you having a party?

Oscar:
She was a dentist and one day said "enough!" and became a therapist.

Oscar:
[Teaching Jane 1950's etiquette] Posture. Bust out. Eyes, dead.

John Mulaney:
Have you tried to be more ladylike?

Jane:
Yes but it's hard. I live with two guys, it's like a frat house in here.

John Mulaney:
Yeah. [Eats scoop of yogurt] Mmm, haha, oh this is orange creme; I thought it was plain. Want to split it?

Motif:
I shouldn't but... let's do it.

Jane:
So I just stay quiet the whole night?

Oscar:
No no no, we're going to teach you a cocktail hour song; men love to be entertained. And, I wouldn't mind seeing you in some period attire.

Jane:
Period attire? You mean like pajama pants and my giant hoodie?

Lou Cannon:
You strut around here like some alpha male, but when it comes to writing, you give me nothing. And you come up with these excuses like, "oh, my grandmother's in the hospital". Well I phoned the hospital and they said there was no one there under her name.

Mintz:
That's... because she died.

Lou Cannon:
A bad writer *and* a liar.

Jane:
Ew, are you praying?

John Mulaney:
[startled] What? No, I'm just masturbating.

John Mulaney:
You ever seen a sweater made in Ireland? It's like a turtleneck made out of brillo pads.

Oscar:
[in song] Woh-woh-woh-woh oh little reindeer in the Bronx, woh-woh-woh-woh she's waiting tables and punching clocks.

John Mulaney:
You wrote that?

Oscar:
Well, it's the story of a reindeer from the Bronx who dreams of being on Broadway and eventually dies from sleeping pills. So, it kind of wrote itself.

Lou Cannon:
I also secured the rights to a sexy holiday classic. You know "Baby, It's Cold Outside"?

John Mulaney:
Oh, of course.

Lou Cannon:
Well I couldn't get that one. But I did get the rights to another somewhat rape-y sounding Christmas song, "Mr. Snowman Is Mixing You a Drink."

Jane:
Rodeo? Um... She's crazy. I thought you have a restraining order against her.

Motif:
Yeah but she has one on me too so they cancel each other out.

Lou Cannon:
You were like a son to me, a son! Now you want me to provide for you?

Lou Cannon:
You don't have what it takes to be an audience plant. You're moderately handsome.

John Mulaney:
Oh, thank you.

Lou Cannon:
And you're a terrible, terrible actor.

Oscar:
See this Turkish tea tray? I got it on a business trip during my Wall Street days.

John Mulaney:
I didn't know you worked on Wall Street.

Oscar:
That's where my bicycle shop was.

Jane:
I'm not going to complain about being single anymore because I have found a solution. [Jane leaves the room]

John Mulaney:
[to Motif] What if we just heard a gunshot right now?

John Mulaney:
Hey, Lou. Oh, this is that Dateline I wanted to see on Mark Allen Dade. The "Florida Party Boy Murderer".

Lou Cannon:
Can you believe Scorsese is making a movie about him? It's disgusting.

John Mulaney:
Why, because it exploits the victims?

Lou Cannon:
No, because he won't offer me the lead.

John Mulaney:
You should've seen it. Your power moves worked, and Motif payed me the rent he owes me. Nine-hundred dollars!

Lou Cannon:
Never say "nine-hundred dollars" with excitement in this restaurant again.

Lou Cannon:
I've been working on my serial killer method act.

John Mulaney:
Is that why I caught you smearing lipstick on your face?

Lou Cannon:
...Sure.

Jane:
Oscar, have you seen my cat? I think he's been avoiding me. I can't even get him to sleep with me.

Oscar:
Well, I've seduced many cats in my day. You just wait outside the jazz club, compliment his goatee, and offer to clean his bongos.

Jane:
Oh, you know I'm talking about a house cat, right?

Oscar:
I see.

Motif:
I can pay rent, Mulaney. Could it be cash or Motif Merchandise? It's gotta be Motif Merchandise.

John Mulaney:
I'll wait for cash. I'm all set on XXL T-shirts and thongs that say "Mo' tif, Mo' Problems".

John Mulaney:
"Stalker" had become the most popular girl insult by that time.

Jane:
Yeah, we like it because it's both a complaint and a brag.

Oscar:
Oh, hello.

John Mulaney:
Hey, Oscar.

Oscar:
Here's your Gene Wilder DVD set.

John Mulaney:
Oh, thanks. I hope you enjoyed it.

Oscar:
Oh, I laughed, and I laughed. I used the box to hold open my window.

Jane:
Most of the time I'm perfectly friendly. [Doorbell rings] I swear to God if that is a person...

John Mulaney:
Oh my God, that's how I learned how to talk to women... from Ross.

Motif:
Who's Ross?

John Mulaney:
Ross. From Friends.

Motif:
What is Friends?

John Mulaney:
Friends... It's like the biggest TV show of all time.

Motif:
I gotta check it out. When's it on?

John Mulaney:
It's always on; it's Friends! [Motif changes the channel] See?

Motif:
Why have I never seen Friends?

John Mulaney:
Eh, it was kind of "for us, by us."

Motif:
[Motif watches Friends for the first time] Oh, I remember these faces on TV. I always thought it was the news.

Jane:
Hey, do we have stamps?

John Mulaney:
No.

Jane:
Ugh, forget it. I guess I'll just have bad credit. [Rips envelope]

Jane:
How are you guys?

John Mulaney:
I'm great. I think I'm finally getting the hang of working for Lou Cannon, and things with Kristen are going good.

Motif:
[Watching Friends for the first time, to himself] Why are they in a fountain?

John Mulaney:
I really want you to meet her but hey, try to be nice to this one.

Motif:
Oh, they got umbrellas.

Jane:
John, no.

John Mulaney:
What?

Jane:
Don't you see what she is? She's one of those girls who just wants to date comedians.

Motif:
A ha-ha-ho.

Kristen:
[to John] You two obviously have some weird thing going on; I'm leaving. You know, I defend you when people say you're a Seinfeld ripoff.

John:
I feel the same way about vaginas as I do about this country. I love them, but sometimes they do things that frighten me.

Jane:
And penises are like North Korea: funny, yet worrisome.

John:
Man, it is hard to date a doula.

Lou Cannon:
John, the term is African American.

Motif:
The journey to birth begins at menstruation.

John:
Oh God...

Motif:
When women experience shedding in the uterine line...

John:
Ugh, shedding. That's the word that always got me.

John Mulaney:
I don't think he hired you to be his trainer.

Jane:
What, you mean he wants to sleep with me?

John Mulaney:
It's worse than that. He wants to make you laugh.

Lou Cannon:
How does $750 for the day sound?

Jane:
Oh, for $750 a day you can call me a dumb b*tch.

Jane:
Why are you trying to think of a tragic character from your childhood?

Motif:
Mulaney outed me at the club for having a happy childhood. So now everybody in comedy is calling me the reverse Robin Hood. I stole material from the poor and gave it to the rich.

John Mulaney:
Shouldn't they call you Robin Not-From-The-Hood?

John Mulaney:
Andre, I've got a problem.

Andre:
Okay.

John Mulaney:
Have you ever had a boss or...

Andre:
No.

John Mulaney:
Well have you ever had a friend th...

Andre:
No.