Pardon the Interruption

[discussing use of air conditioning winds to blow baseballs foul]

Tony:
We're talking a gentle breeze, it's not like a cow blew into the bullpen!

Mike:
Pardon the interruption but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, you've lost a lot of weight since the show started. Are you on the juice?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. Yep, PRUNE JUICE!

Mike:
Not that kind of juice, you dope!

Tony:
Freshly-squeezed and by the gallon!

Mike:
Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, can you believe that Tom Cruise says, get ready, he is going to eat his child's placenta?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. It's just no big deal. It's tastes just like chicken.

Tony:
Which one are you kicking out of the hottub?

Dan LeBatard:
Pardon the Interruption, but I'm Dan LeBatard, or as one e-mailer called me, Dan LeBa*turd*.

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser.

[to Dan]

Tony:
Oh so you did get my e-mail?

[Mike is dressed as Santa Claus]

Mike:
Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, I'm dressed like the man that says "Ho! Ho! Ho!".

Tony:
Fred Smoot?

Mike:
Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, it's Mardi Gras, are you going to give me some beads?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. You going to show me your rack?

Mike:
Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Bad news, Tony - NASA has scrubbed the Pluto mission.

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. When are the going to scrub Uranus?

Mike:
Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, I'm dressed like the man that says "Ho! Ho! Ho!".

Tony:
Fred Smoot?

Mike:
Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon in the Big D, covering the Big Game.

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser, in the Big W, talking to the Big Loser.

Mike:
Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, your boy Suge Knight got capped this weekend in Miami. What do you have to say?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. I hope LeBatard has an alibi...

Mike:
Pardon the Interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon in San Antonio. Tony, Robert Horry wants to be known as "Big Shot Rob" rather than "Big Shot Bob". What would you want your nickname to be?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. "The *Bigger* Unit".

Mike:
Pardon the Interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, they've just released the identity of "Deep Throat". What do you think?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. I saw that movie when it was still in the theater.

Mike:
Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, the Cardinals have chosen a new Pope. What do you think?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. Pope? I thought they'd at least get some starting pitchers...

Tony:
Here you are, Wilbon. I'm giving your Baby Bulls some dap.

[Puts a jar of DAP on the desk]

Tony:
I hope you're happy now.

Mike:
Pardon the interruption. I'm Mike Wilbon and you'll have to pardon me today because I'm a little rusty after spending a month in Greece.

Tony:
I'm Toyn Kornheiser. Oh really? Were you in Olivia Newton-John's role?

Mike:
There you go! I'm not back for 30 seconds and you're already tossing out those lame 40 year old jokes that you only could ever possibly find funny!

Tony:
Welcome to PTI, boys and girls, where I will continue to tell 40 year old jokes and you know why? 'Cause it's funny and I KNOW FUNNY!

Tony:
Welcome to PTI, boys and girls!

Tony:
And now it's time for the new game sensation so HOT it dumped Lindsay Lohan!

Mike:
Nice choice there, R. Kelly! SHE'S 17!

Tony:
Oh well. Let's get the first from our judge, Stat Boy!

Mike:
Pardon the interruption but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, we've got the star of "The Bachelor" on today. Any advice for him when dealing with the ladies?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser and yes, the good ones like to be paid up front!

Mike:
Not those kinds of ladies, you dope!

Tony:
Oh... I can't imagine what other ones you'd be talking about.

Mike:
Pardon the interruption, but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, what did you give thanks for this weekend?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. My health, my family, and four days away from you!

Tony:
Quick, we're running out of show. let's get to the "Big Finish!"

Tony:
It's Happy Time, people!

Host:
We're running out of show; let's go to the Big Finish.

Tony:
We're out of time. We'll try to do better the next time.

Mike:
Pardon the interruption but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, we're on HBO tonight. Does that mean we can swear?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. Oh f(bleeped out)k yes!

Mike:
What did you just say?

Mike:
Let me ax you something!

Tony:
It's time Wilbon's weekly beatdown otherwise known as Toss-Up. Let's get the first one from our producer over the loudspeaker.

Mike:
Pardon the interruption but I'm Mike Wilbon. The Twins have had three straight shutouts! You surprised, Tony?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. Yeah, especially since Mary-Kate is on the DL

Mike:
You are sick, sick man.

Mike:
Pardon the interruption but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, Miami won last night. Hot bout a little dap?

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser and you know something. Enough with the dap, shut your trap, quit your yap, and cut the crap!

Mike:
Are you Ol' Dirty Granddaddy Eminem now or something?

Mike:
Pardon the interruption but I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, my flight to Detroit leaves in less than hour so we need to speed it up today!

Tony:
[very slowly] I'm... To-ny... Korn-hei-ser... Don't... think... you'll... make... it.

Mike:
You're a jerk, you know that? Just a lousy, bald, orange jerk!

Mike:
Pardon the interruption, I'm Mike Wilbon and you know something? Screw the Cubs! Screw the Marlins! Screw the Series! Screw the curses! Screw the goats! Screw Bartman! And Tony, screw you too!

Tony:
I'm Tony Kornheiser. I take it the Cubs didn't win last night?

Tony:
Time to whack the windbag known as Wilbon in Toss-Up.

Mike:
That makes you feel big doesn't it?

Mailbox Voice:
Mail time! Next letter! Mail this! More mail! Last one!

Tony:
Time to find out where we messed up. Stat-boy?

Tony:
Goodnight Canada!

[repeated line]

Dan LeBatard:
[points two fingers gangsta-gun style at the camera] BAM!

[Dan Le Batard has disrupted a game of Odds Makers]

Stat Boy:
Dan, there's a reason why we get emails calling you Le Bafart, Le Baturd, Le Bajerk...

Tony:
[after Toss Up] Tony Time is over... but does it ever REALLY end? [does the "Penguin Dance"]

Mike:
[on Tom Brady's alleged ties to Balco] My dad probably ran into Al Capone in an elevator in 1946 - does that make him Frank Nitti?

Tony:
[Discussing the Northern Colorado punter allegedly stabbed by the backup punter] Here's what I think the lesson is: If you want to make the team, and I say this to all the boys and girls out there, don't take a knife, use poison. Poison! Poison the guy who's ahead of you on the depth chart!

Tony:
[after the segment] Boys and girls, I'm kidding. We kid because we love.