Phoenix Nights

[Max is almost run over leaving a French Supermarket with a trolley full of alcohol]

Max:
Hey. Le Beer. Le D*ckhead. Watch it son.

[a group of students are causing trouble in the club]

Brian Potter:
Right you lot out. Before I knock you out. Sling it go on, you aren't welcome. All of you leave.

Stu:
I'm not going till I get a refund.

Brian Potter:
Did you here that Kenny? You best make him a bed up.

Stu:
I want my money back.

Brian Potter:
I want to moonwalk son, but life's a shithouse. Out.

[Repeated Line]

Brian Potter:
I don't know whether you've noticed but I'm disabled.

[Max is trying to purchase a watch from Armchair Superstore]

Max:
Hello... I'd like to order the divers watch... the divers watch love... the one with the light... I don't know love... I can swim.

[Dougie Hayes has delivered a giant inflatable penis]

Dodgy Eric:
Well what do you think?

Brian Potter:
It's not a bouncy castle.

Dodgy Eric:
You never said a castle.

Brian Potter:
I said I wanted an inflatable.

Dodgy Eric:
It is an inflatable.

Brian Potter:
Inflatable filth.

[talking about the inflatable Penis]

Jerry St Clair:
We're not having that.

Brian Potter:
You're damn right Jerry, we're not having that go on take it back.

Dodgy Eric:
But Brian...

Brian Potter:
It's a family fun day man, there's kiddies running around. They can't go jumping up and down on a love length.

[discussing what to do with an Giant Inflatable Penis]

Young Kenny:
Can't we disguise it?

Brian Potter:
Yeah we can, we'll put a wool hat on it and say it's you.

Dodgy Eric:
It's not what it looks Brian.

Brian Potter:
Not what it looks. Not what it looks. It's a twenty-foot cock and balls man. It don't look like nothing else, it's not happening.

[Max produces a package]

Paddy:
Have you done us a packed lunch?

Max:
Have I. [Opens package to reveal a gun]

Paddy:
What on earth is that?

Max:
That my friend, is a German Broomhandle Mauser.

Paddy:
I'm not using that...

Max:
Why, what's wrong with it?

Paddy:
It's an antique that's what it is.

Max:
Hey. It's not an antique. There's nothing wrong with that. It was my granddad's. He shot a German with this.

Paddy:
Was that in the Second World War?

Max:
No, it were in Benidorme. He had a row over a sun lounger.

[receiving a prank telephone call]

Brian Potter:
Sick. Animals. Laughing at death, half past three in the bloody morning.

Brian Potter:
I have a dream, people, I have a dream. If we build it, they will come.

Les:
Build what?

Brian Potter:
A new Phoenix.

Jerry St Clair:
Here we go again.

Brian Potter:
Bigger, better, faster, stronger, rising out of the ashes. A superclub, a King of clubs only this time we'll have it all. A restaurant, a bistro - we'll serve food.

Jerry St Clair:
Food eh?

Brian Potter:
But not just any old food Jerry. Proper food - scampi, chicken Kievs, garlic bread...

Max:
Garlic bread?

Brian Potter:
Garlic bread, that's right Max. Garlic bread - it's the future, I've tasted it.

Brian Potter:
What's the matter with you, man?

Jerry St Clair:
What's the matter with me? I'll tell you what's the matter with me. Me first week as licensee, I'm stood here looking like a gay Satan cos somebody sold all me clothes on t'jumble. I've been rolled round t'car park all day dressed as a hernia and I've got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.

Brian Potter:
Rubber Burns? Weren't he a Scottish poet?

Jerry St Clair:
...and what made you apply for this job?

Spencer:
The DSS.

Jerry St Clair:
And why do you think I should give it to you?

Spencer:
Because it will be the DSS paying me wages and it won't cost you a penny.

Jerry St Clair:
Really?

Spencer:
Yeah.

Jerry St Clair:
When can you start? Welcome to the Phoenix, Spencer lad.

'Crimetime' Presenter:
Police probe Leeds girl's snatch. Can you help?

[Brian has been told over the phone that the club has burnt down and someone was inside]

Max:
All we need to know Mr. Potter, did he have false teeth?

Brian Potter:
False teeth? How the pissin' hell am I supposed to know if he had false teeth?

[laughing on other end of phone]

Brian Potter:
Who is this? [realizing it's a prank] I know who ya are, who are ya?

Brian Potter:
We've got to grab the cow by the horns and pull together.

Brian Potter:
It just came to me in a dream, like St. Paul on the road to Domestos.

Brian Potter:
There is a horse in my cabaret suite.

Brian Potter:
I want to speak to the organist, not the monkey grinder.

Jerry St Clair:
[discovering the Captain dead] He's dead, Brian.

Brian Potter:
Oh, my God! He can't be dead! Who's going to do the door? Who's going to do the door?

Brian Potter:
[finding the dead body of the Captain] Put him in the Pennine Suite.

Jerry St Clair:
Why?

Brian Potter:
Why? Because in here's murder. Next door's natural causes.

Dodgy Eric:
[about the Bucking Bronco] I'll give you a week's free trial while I get your table fixed, then she's got to go to the European Finals in Dusseldorf.

Brian Potter:
Dusseldorf? Oh, good. You can take "das fruit machine" back with you.

Brian Potter:
Hey, toilet-mouth! There's a child's bike outside!

Brian Potter:
Don't talk to me about upper body strength, Lesley! My forearms are massive!

Les:
An' we all know why that is don't we? Too much "Trumpet Polishin'"

Kenny Senior:
I think it's really great the way you keep up that Irish accent when you're not on the telly.

Roy Walker:
Well I am Irish you know.

Kenny Senior:
Are you?

Roy Walker:
Aye.

Kenny Senior:
Oh, I thought you were just pissing around like that Gerry Adams.

Young Kenny:
[a group of them are investigating a horse behaving strangely at the bar] What's up with it?

Brian Potter:
What's up with it? [Brian smells the horse] It's... it's pissed, that's what's up with it! Get Colin Bibby. Let go of me!

Young Kenny:
How do you know?

Brian Potter:
How do I know? I know a pissed horse when I see one. Get it a kebab.

Les:
We've got a big show coming up soon.

Jerry St. Clair:
What show are you doing?

Les:
Karate Kid - The Musical. It's just that the room that we've been rehearsing in has had to be fumigated.

Brian Potter:
Oh, and you want to know if you can use one of mine?

Les:
Yeah, it'll only be for a couple of days.

Brian Potter:
That's what they said to Terry Waite.

Brian Potter:
Look at Sushi. He's only 42 and he's coping.

Jerry St. Clair:
Sushi?

Brian Potter:
Roy Fish off the estate.

Brian Potter:
What's the matter with you man?

Jerry 'St. Clair' Dignan:
What's the matter with me? I'll tell you what's the matter with me. My first week as licensee. I'm stood here looking like a gay Satan cos' somebody's sold all me clothes ont' jumble, I've been rolled round the car park all day dressed as a hernia and I've got 12 people in casualty with rubber burns.

Brian Potter:
Rubber burns? Isn't he a Scottish poet?

Brian Potter:
[Looking at Jerry's album and reading out songs from it] 'The Drugs Don't Work'? Christ they should you've taken enough! What do these ones do? Stop you being an arsehole?