Scorpion

Walter O'Brien:
My name is Walter O'Brien. I have the fourth-highest IQ ever recorded: 197. Einstein's was 160. When I was 11, the FBI arrested for me for hacking NASA to get their blueprints for my bedroom wall. Now I run a team of geniuses, tackling worldwide threats only we can solve. Toby's our behaviorist. Sylvester's a human calculator. Happy, a mechanical prodigy. Agent Cabe Gallo is our government handler. And Paige? Well, Paige isn't like us; she's normal. She translates the world for us, while we help her understand her genius son. Together, we are Scorpion.

Toby Curtis:
[returning Cabe's badge] You're gonna need this to get into the DOJ.

Cabe Gallo:
Where did you get this?

Toby Curtis:
[lying about stealing it] You dropped it.

Toby Curtis:
You still don't know us that well. Happy suffers from Hostility and anger dissonance syndrome. Sylvester's anxiety, OCD, and more phobias than you can shake a stick at. Walter is textbook intellectual megalomania and anti-obedience syndrome. That should be fun to see how that plays out with Cabe. Oh, oh me? I am a narcissist with a slight dusting of addiction tendencies. So welcome aboard.

Happy Quinn:
There are more bombs. But they were all supposed to go off in LA at the same time. I think the one at 1 Wilton malfunctioned and went off early. And more bombs are coming down the pipe real soon.

Cabe Gallo:
You think or you know? [Explosions in the background. Happy stand up]

Happy Quinn:
I know.

Toby Curtis:
We're not fraternizing at work.

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto:
Notice his use of the qualifier "at work." [Rizzuto presses a buzzer]

Walter O'Brien:
He did. He used a qualifier!

Toby Curtis:
Yeah, but . - no. It...

Dr. Cecil P. Rizzuto:
Tobias, a little rum scuttle with someone you care about - nothing to be ashamed of. But therapy only works in conjunction with honesty. So are you involved in amorous congress with Miss Quinn or not? We await your answer. [Rizzuto puts his hand over the buzzer. Walter sits up and looks at Toby, waiting for Toby's response]

Toby Curtis:
...Oh crap.

Walter O'Brien:
[to Toby] So while we are gone you will have the time and opportunity to make a decision.

Happy Quinn:
[the rest of the team enter] A decision about what?

Walter O'Brien:
Members of Team Scorpion cannot be in a relationship with each other. It is bad for efficiency. So either you two break up, or one of you leaves the team... I'll want an answer when I get back.

Paige Dineen:
That's exactly why Walter thinks your relationship is a distraction. Maybe he has a point.

Toby Curtis:
You're siding with him? You're the one trying to get us to be more human. We finally take step in that direction and you think it's *wrong*?

Toby Curtis:
[to Paige] You both know that if you change the fratenization rules, then you two lose the only obstacle, the only excuse you have for not being together. Happy and me, we let our freak flag fly.

Happy Quinn:
Your comms are open, dummy!

Toby Curtis:
In my anger, I forgot. But I stand by my analysis. You copy that Walter?

Happy Quinn:
Uh, I think I already I know the answer to this, but why are we sterilizing this stuff?

Toby Curtis:
Because you're going to put the tube into Sanchez's chest cavity.

Happy Quinn:
Oh, that's what I was afraid of. [Happy takes a swig of Tequila] Okay. Okay.

Walter O'Brien:
Happy, you were picked for a reason. You're supposed to be a reckless driver.

Happy Quinn:
I'm driving as recklessly as I can.

Toby Curtis:
[Looking around the cafeteria] Am I seriously the only doctor in the house?

Sean O'Brien:
We find out from a call that our little girl has gotten hitched to someone who plays with toys. Who the Hell are you?

Sylvester Dodd:
I'm Sylvester.

Sean O'Brien:
What kind of man are you?

Sylvester Dodd:
The kind whose been caring for your daughter. The kind that hasn't left her side in three weeks. The kind that loves her. So you'll just have to accept that. [Sylvester accidentally sits on Super Fun Guy figure]

Super Fun Guy Toy:
My Whoopie Cushion of Doom will blast you to atoms.

Ralph Dineen:
Won't the kids think I'm in trouble.

Cabe Gallo:
Trust me, girls are gonna dig it.

Walter O'Brien:
Megan's dying and I'm stuck down here. She's the only family I have.

Paige Dineen:
You have two parents a few floors above you.

Walter O'Brien:
The only way I could ever talk to my parents was through her. She's the only one who understands me for what I am. She's the most important person that I have ever had in my life.

Walter O'Brien:
[Watching Toby trying to apologize to Happy for missing their date] I don't have any feelings and even I'm uncomfortable watching this.

Cabe Gallo:
I feel like we should be cranking some Skynard in this thing. Brings me back.

Walter O'Brien:
To what?

Cabe Gallo:
The 70's.

Walter O'Brien:
I wasn't born yet.

Cabe Gallo:
Screw you.

Happy Quinn:
Oh, not good.

Walter O'Brien:
Please tell me you did not just drop the screwdriver.

Happy Quinn:
Okay, I won't.

Cabe Gallo:
[Sylvester refuses to jump out of the plane] Sly, have I ever put you in dangerous situation?

Sylvester Dodd:
Yes! All the time!

Cabe Gallo:
So, you should be used to it. [Cabe body slams Sylvester and they both fall out the plane]

Walter O'Brien:
Now I can get into Mission Control here from our office.

Captain Ryan Jackson:
I can authorize that.

Walter O'Brien:
No need. I'm in. As for hardware issues, members of our team at your base shortly.

Captain Ryan Jackson:
He got into a secure server that quickly?

Cabe Gallo:
Nothing is secure with these guys.

Walter O'Brien:
[to Linda] This wall is just precautionary, in case there is an incident.

Paige Dineen:
We'll be right here the whole time

Toby Curtis:
Right here on this side.

Walter O'Brien:
You're right. I can't disarm it. That's why we're going to let the bomb go off.

Linda:
[Reading a text on her phone] "Hope you're having a *blast* today. Best, Walter." Is that supposed to be funny?

Toby Curtis:
Sadly, It's supposed to be romantic.

Walter O'Brien:
Ooh, I preprogrammed some follow up texts after our date. Clearly an unfortunate ,uh, choice of words... given the circumstances.

Linda:
You think?

Merrick:
I need to know that you guys don't fix whatever it is you did to this craft. It has to go down. I don't want to hurt any more people than I have to. Now, where is Gallo?

Happy Quinn:
I would tell you if I knew where he was, okay?... Oh wait. There he is. [Merrick turns around. Gallo appears and tackles Merrick]

Walter O'Brien:
So, in summary, we stop the river. Drop the bomb. Reverse the river. Save the town. Easy.

Toby Curtis:
See? That's the kind of thought you should say only to yourself.

Happy Quinn:
[Toby tries to stop Happy from using a fire extinguisher on liquid rubidium] What? You got a faster way to turn a liquid solid?

Toby Curtis:
Considering how explosive it is, maybe the prudent thing [Happy uses the extinguisher. Toby shrieks in panic]

Happy Quinn:
See? It worked.

Toby Curtis:
We're almost done building a Tsunami bomb. That's a real thing. I just said that.

Paige Dineen:
Ralph, by the way, where is your babysitter?

Ralph Dineen:
Downstairs on her phone. I gave her a soda.

Toby Curtis:
Wow. We really suck at making bombs.

Happy Quinn:
Yeah. We also suck at saving that dam and that whole town. [the bomb explodes]

Sylvester Dodd:
[Disappointed tone] I'm surrounded by children. [Upbeat] Is that gingerbread? Can I have some?

Sylvester Dodd:
We never really talked about it, but, technically, when I married Megan, it made you and I brothers-in-law.

Walter O'Brien:
You know, I've always found that term antiquated. How about we just go with brothers?

Walter O'Brien:
If you become ostracized from an early age for being different or someone targets you because they have something to gain, you don't see their motives until it's too late. After a while it starts to affect your core self. Trust no one. Become distant.

Happy Quinn:
Like Walter

Walter O'Brien:
Scared of your own shadow.

Sylvester Dodd:
Like me.

Walter O'Brien:
Angry.

Happy Quinn:
Present.

Walter O'Brien:
Or a condescending jerk.

Sylvester Dodd:
Like

Sylvester Dodd, Happy Quinn:
Toby.

Cabe Gallo:
[Walter shows Gallo and the Warden a satellite image] I really don't want you guys hacking into US sattelites without permission.

Walter O'Brien:
We're not. It's Chinese.

Paige Dineen:
The phone's ringing!

Toby Curtis:
[busy with Happy and Sylvester] We're gambling!

Toby Curtis:
[Speaking about Drew] We could look into him.

Walter O'Brien:
She told me not to.

Toby Curtis:
That's right. She told *you* not to...

Happy Quinn:
This guy is borderline genius. We make it too hard, he won't get it. We make it too easy, we're gonna get responses from every math geek out for a ride. We need a sweet spot.

Toby Curtis:
Russians, from a historical genetic standpoint, have more elastic soft tissue from folic acid deficiency. A thousand years of vodka and cigarettes will do that to you. The result is long vocal cords and deep voices.

Toby Curtis:
No one who's planning something like this leaves witnesses behind. Percy is dead the minute he finishes that code.

Happy Quinn:
He needs to know we found him. The Russkies ain't looking. Flash that cam light.

Percy:
[Notices light cam on]

Toby Curtis:
There. His eyes locked in on the light. They're not looking, you jackass. Tell us where you are.

Percy:
[Looks back at his captors then starts to tap his fore head with his right index finger]

Toby Curtis:
Sweet baby Jane, is that Morse code?

Cabe Gallo:
You know Morse code? How old are you?

Sylvester Dodd:
I have a limit of one death per day.

Sylvester Dodd:
[Happy is driving] I was nearly drugged and choked today. All less scary than your driving!

Cabe Gallo:
You were willing to sacrifice one of my team to make your case.

Adriana Molina:
I was thinking about three members of the Federal Judiciary.

Cabe Gallo:
You were thinking about what would look worse for you: three dead judges or one dead kid. I'm a Marine. "No man left behind" means something to me.

Adriana Molina:
My hope was to protect everyone involved.

Cabe Gallo:
Don't try and politick your way out of this. I don't trust you anymore. I will never put my people's lives in your hands again. And if that costs me my job - so be it. Somethings are more important.

Sylvester Dodd:
[Molina leaves] Thanks Cabe.

Cabe Gallo:
We're a team, right? A family.

Walter O'Brien:
I've been saying for months that Ralph needs to ditch that school.

Ralph Dineen:
I'm staying in Elementary School. If I can't relate to humans, I'll turn out like you guys.

Happy Quinn:
Ouch!

Happy Quinn:
[as Sylvester is trying to provoke Ten Ton] You're not offending him. You're entertaining him. Now disrespect his colors or I'll make what he does to you look like a massage!

Sylvester Dodd:
[Sylvester grabs Ten Ton's bandana] I'm sorry. I have allergies. [Sylvester blows his nose using Ten Ton's bandana]

Paige Dineen:
Damn. [Moment of stunned silence]

Happy Quinn:
I didn't expect him to go that far.

Happy Quinn:
Let me hit with a wrench. Maybe it'll jar something loose.

Paige Dineen:
Take it easy. He's sick.

Cabe Gallo:
Bruce, you said you'd try to remember.

Bruce:
What do you remember, Pops? The Alamo?

Cabe Gallo:
I'm starting to like Happy's plan.

Cabe Gallo:
Is that a car battery?

Happy Quinn:
It's AAA approved. So if we kill you, you'll get a free tow.

Toby Curtis:
I hate government!

Cabe Gallo:
Then don't cash your Federal paycheck.

Happy Quinn:
[Getting in the driver's seat] Game on!

Paige Dineen:
Oh God! She's driving again.

Walter O'Brien:
You were pretty incredible today.

Cabe Gallo:
Only because you juiced my brain. You know I work out, try to take care of myself. Never crosses my mind I'm getting older. But you never know how far you've slipped down that mountain until you look back up and see where you once were. Enjoy your youth while you can, kid. One day you'll blink, and you'll be me.

Walter O'Brien:
You know I hate to spoil your moment of self reflection, but what we did to you, wore off hours ago. Your heroics down here, that was you.

Walter O'Brien:
Crazy day, huh?

Paige Dineen:
Crazy seems to be the norm.

Toby Curtis:
Objection! Inflammatory.

Paige Dineen:
Overruled!

Toby Curtis:
Objection! You can't make that call. You two are sweet on each other!

Walter O'Brien, Paige Dineen:
OBJECTION!

Toby Curtis:
I'm rocking so much adrenaline right now, my blood is basically Red Bull.

Walter O'Brien:
Paige, I care about this team and our work. But what I care about most is giving Ralph a safe place to reach his potential.

Dr. Chong:
I'll just inject them with ferret blood without processing it. A million-to-one shot, but what choice do we have?

Toby Curtis:
[Toby grabs Dr. Chong] You're not taking a million-to-one shot with my friend's life! You understand that? If you come near him with that ferret, I'm going to cram that furry little dude up into a place it can never run away from! You understand?

Walter O'Brien:
[Walter prepares to inject a ferret with snake venom] Okay, hold him steady.

Paige Dineen:
Wait, is this going to hurt him?

Walter O'Brien:
I'm so glad that your concerned about the ferret.

Cabe Gallo:
Acting like a human being is never a mistake. It means you're evolving. I'm glad to see you're capable of that.

Walter O'Brien:
Cabe, we found the *one* pipe that will get you to safety.

Cabe Gallo:
What do the other pipes do?

Walter O'Brien:
Don't think about that right now.

Cabe Gallo:
Okay, but for the record, if you're wrong and I get killed, I'm going to be *very* pissed off!

Walter O'Brien:
Yeah, I'll be pissed off if you don't start running *now*!

Cabe Gallo:
You borrowed a crane from a construction site?

Happy Quinn:
Not exactly.

Sylvester Dodd:
You *stole* a crane from a construction site?

Happy Quinn:
Exactly.

Happy Quinn:
[after an explosion, Happy emerges from a submersible] Hey dummies! A little help?

Walter O'Brien:
You just did eighteen evasive maneuvers. Are you gonna tell me what's going on?

Walter O'Brien:
Do you still have your ID?

Rebecca:
[Handing her badge to Walter] I'm sure they deactivated it.

Walter O'Brien:
Oh, that's right. You just met us.

Paige Dineen:
[as Walter's parachute falls] Oh God!

Walter O'Brien:
Oh, that's a wrinkle.

Agent Cabe Gallo:
[On the ground] What did he say?

Happy Quinn:
"That's a wrinkle?"

Toby Curtis:
What's a wrinkle? [Walter's parachute lands a few feet away from them]

Agent Cabe Gallo:
Oh, that's a wrinkle.

Happy Quinn:
Not good.

Paige Dineen:
[Walter's parachute fails] Oh God

Walter O'Brien:
Oh, That's a wrinkle

Cabe Gallo:
[On the ground] What did he say?

Happy Quinn:
"That's a wrinkle?"

Toby Curtis:
What's a wrinkle?

[Walter's parachute lands a few feet in front of Toby Cabe and Happy]

Cabe Gallo:
Oh, that's a wrinkle

Happy Quinn:
Not good.

Paige Dineen:
Sometimes it's okay to admit that you don't have all the answers.

Sylvester Dodd:
Screw this up, brains and guts are gonna bounce all over town.

Happy Quinn:
Actually, fuel tanks ignite on impact. You won't find a body part.

Toby Curtis:
Eh, blood soaked spleen could burn at a slower rate.

Paige Dineen:
Hey! Please check your language on my nine year old, be decent at my place of work.

Toby Curtis:
[Ralph brings Toby a bowl of soup] Is this Beef Barley? How did you know my favorite soup?

Ralph Dineen:
Eat it. You look awful.

Toby Curtis:
[Talking to Walter on his earpiece] You're trying to eat dessert when they just served salad. Don't you know how to romance someone?

Paige Dineen:
No. He does not.

Kenneth Dodd:
You actually understand everything they're thinking?

Cabe Gallo:
About half -and the rest I take on faith.

Kenneth Dodd:
How could I trust something so important to the hands of someone I barely know? You left when you were 14.

Sylvester Dodd:
Well, you're going to get a chance to know me now. Because the heat from the beam welded the hatch shut and we're stuck here! We're not getting out!

Toby Curtis:
[as Walter and Paige are about to sing] Oh God! I should be recording this.

Paige Dineen:
[Quietly to Walter as they're singing] I swear to God. If you don't get into this, I'm gonna kill you myself.

Ralph Dineen:
You always yell at Toby. Why did you want me to do all this?

Happy Quinn:
The truth is - I am falling for him

Ralph Dineen:
Ooo gross.

Happy Quinn:
I know, right?

Toby Curtis:
I'll be at a safe distance analyzing the lovely gals you're about to sit down with. Cabe, you'll be one position in front of Walter so you can do recon.

Walter O'Brien:
Recon? I want to try dating not engage in a military operation.

Toby Curtis:
For humanoid like you it's going to take precision co-ordination like D-Day. [to Cabe] Why do you smell like a martini bar in 1950?

Cabe Gallo:
It's my cologne. I wear it everyday.

Toby Curtis:
If you wore that every day, I'd need sinuses scrapped.

Sylvester Dodd:
I can't believe I'm not there with you.

Location Scout:
I can't believe I got caught by you.

Sylvester Dodd:
My name is Sylvester Dodd. We're with Agent Cabe Gallo, badge number 2835. I'm requesting an immediate extraction for a humanitarian mission in Kazakstan where they are protecting civilians from illegal nuclear weapons.

Receptionist:
This is the National Association of Theatre Owners. You want the NATO on Pico.

Ray Spiewack:
That's my bad.

Paige Dineen:
Are you sure about this?

Walter O'Brien:
No, it's effectively an experiment. And experiments have uncertainties.

Toby Curtis:
[Sarcastically] Fantastic.

Walter O'Brien:
What I am certain of - are my abilities.

Paige Dineen:
[Momentary pause then Paige turns an faces the others] Maybe it's the outfit, but I'm with Walter.

Walter O'Brien:
Happy, I'm about to set off the fire alarm. Now on my mark, inhale deeply because you're going to be buried alive for about 20 seconds.

Happy Quinn:
Oh, sounds lovely.

Walter O'Brien:
Okay, go!

Happy Quinn:
[Toby tries to free Happy's leg as she's hanging upside down] Okay, what are you thinking? Candy's going to come out of me?

Toby Curtis:
I can't reach.

Cabe Gallo:
Quit screwing around! Firefighters will be there in a minute.

Happy Quinn:
I've got an idea. [Happy starts removes her belt]

Toby Curtis:
What are you doing?

Happy Quinn:
I'm taking my pants off.

Toby Curtis:
Dear diary, it finally happened.

Toby Curtis:
[Toby is dressed as the Giggler] With great responsibility comes great wedgies.

Paige Dineen:
Well, this glimpse of him no in control is insightful, that's all. [Sniffing Walter's shirt] For instance his shirt smells like that cheap perfume in his room. Maybe we can get a scent tracking dog that specializes in finding sluts.

Walter O'Brien:
It's a bit odd that there are billions in modern electronics in this building and we're solving these problems with technology that David used to beat Goliath.

Sylvester Dodd:
[to Walter] I owe you my life, my riches, my first born.

Toby Curtis:
Your comics.

Sylvester Dodd:
Not that!

Cabe Gallo:
Hey, John McClane, need a ride?

Walter O'Brien:
Who's John McClane?

Cabe Gallo:
Some guy in a movie. Never mind. Let's go.

Happy Quinn:
[while looking at a picture of Toby in college] Wow, you used to be cute! What happened?

Katherine Cooper:
[the team is dressed up for their undercover assignment] So Paige, what you think?

Paige Dineen:
Now I know why you guys had such a hard time in college.

Cabe Gallo:
[Training Sylvester to wrestle] Down on all fours!

Sylvester Dodd:
Nothing good has ever started with that sentence.

Toby Curtis:
Now you can get out of that suit and pee, buddy.

Sylvester Dodd:
Actually, I don't have to anymore.

Happy Quinn:
Ew.

Ray Spiewack:
[Whispering in Paige's ear] You know how he feels about you. You need to go to him. He's not able to do it on his own.

Cabe Gallo:
[to Toby] If I've got to be a rent-a-cop and Sylvester's got to get the crap beat out of him.

Sylvester Dodd:
WHAT?

Cabe Gallo:
Then you have to man up and get the job done!

Quincy Berkstead:
You want analysis? You're the reason Amy left you. You spent most nights at card tables. You missed her birthday because you were at the track. You blew through *both* your savings. You're an egomaniac and a narcissist. And after all these years, the only person you blame... is me.

Toby Curtis:
I think my laptop has a bug. My screen's been frozen since we landed... Frozen. Get it?

Cabe Gallo:
I will bury you in the ice.

Toby Curtis:
Caffeine withdrawl make you mean.

Toby Curtis:
Damn it, Walter! If Paige was out there, would you go back to the hut?

Walter O'Brien:
[Long pause] Be careful.

Toby Curtis:
Okay, God. Maybe you can hear me. I know I don't really believe in you., but there's no aethists in foxholes - or blizzards. Look if you need a soul that badly, take mine! You got that? Leave her alone! Does that come in loud and clear? Okay then

Katherine Cooper:
[On the phone] Mr. Chairman, Doug, you will find a way to send a CH-53 Super Stallion to get them off that glacier or I will call your wife, and tell her it was you, not the nanny, who left the door open last year when the cat ran away. Julie really loved that cat.

Chairman of Joint Chiefs:
I'll get it done!

Paige Dineen:
[Hangs up the phone. To Sylvester] Cooper's a bad ass.

Paige Dineen:
I was - I was worried about Ralph connecting with other people because he has no siblings. But he's got a whole bunch right here.

Walter O'Brien:
Yeah, they're just not as mature as he is.