Stacked

Stuart Miller:
Believe it or not, Harold, I *have* dated attractive women.

Harold March:
Really?

Stuart Miller:
Yeah. Yes, really. Remember Jeanine?

Harold March:
Jeanine? If we found life like that on Mars we'd have left it there.

[first lines]

Stuart Miller:
Hey! Katrina. How was the Aerosmith concert?

Katrina:
Oh, you got me. I couldn't see a thing.

Stuart Miller:
I thought you spent all that money on eighth row seats.

Katrina:
Yeah, well, a woman's basketball team had seventh row. A point guard named Sandra offered to put me on her shoulders, but then I realized she meant *after* the concert.

Harold:
I used to have groupies.

Stuart Miller:
What?

Harold:
All the guys at NASA did during the space race, especially during launchings. I wonder what it was. There's something about a three hundred foot rocket blasting into space really gets the girls going.

Katrina:
The next thing I know I-I woke up in this equipment truck inside a locked garage. After about six hours I clawed my way out from under a giant amp, kicked out a window, and squirmed free. And then, after I relocated my shoulder, I took the bus home and drove straight here.

Skyler Dayton:
That's horrible - you took the bus?

[last lines]

Katrina:
What was that about?

Stuart Miller:
Looks like the third time this week he's gotten screwed.

Skyler Dayton:
I was not a groupie! Groupies don't get taken to dinner; girlfriends do. Groupies don't spend the night; girlfriends do. Groupies have sex on tour-buses. [pause] Well, there's some crossover.

[first lines]

Gavin P. Miller:
Morning, Harold.

Harold:
Morning.

Katrina:
God. Harold, you look terrible.

Harold:
My neck went out. I'll be fine.

Skyler Dayton:
You poor thing. What happened?

Harold:
Ach, got together with some of my college chums from the old M.I.T. gymnastics team. I did my famous scissor kick dismount and didn't stick my landing.

Skyler Dayton:
Seriously?

Harold:
Oh, of course not! I'm sixty-seven years old and I sneezed!

Gavin P. Miller:
So what happened?

Stuart Miller:
We sort of, uh... di-i... did it.

Gavin P. Miller:
What!

Stuart Miller:
It just happened.

Gavin P. Miller:
Oh, my God!

Stuart Miller:
Then it happened two more times. It was like I was a teenager again. Except I wasn't alone.

[last lines]

Katrina:
[to the robot vacuum cleaner] What are you looking at?

[first lines]

Stuart Miller:
[Skyler's showing up for her first day of work] Hey... there she is. 10 a.m. on the dot. Ready for your first day, huh?

Skyler Dayton:
I can't believe how early you guys open. It's like working on a farm.

[Skylar is wearing a short party dress]

Gavin P. Miller:
Uh, Skylar that is quite an outfit.

Skyler Dayton:
Oh, I'm sorry. Too much?

Gavin P. Miller:
Too little!

Stuart Miller:
Just right.

Gavin P. Miller:
She doesn't fit in here. This place isn't called Hooters, it's called *Stacked*.

Brent:
Tortoise, hare. Tortoise, hare. I'm the hare; I always finish first.

Skyler Dayton:
I bet you do!

[last lines]

Gavin P. Miller:
Skylar, I'll see you tomorrow. Brent, you're fired.

Brent:
I don't get it.

Skyler Dayton:
I do!

Katrina:
Sorry I'm late. It took me a little while getting ready this morning.

Stuart Miller:
You wear makeup?

Katrina:
And heels, and a thong.

[Stuart mutters inaudibly]

Katrina:
If Malibu Barbie thinks she can walk right in here and become the bookstore hottie, well then, she has got another think coming- [sees Skylar] Oh God, even I want a piece of that.

[Gavin is about to fire Skyler]

Gavin P. Miller:
I, uh, need to have a word with you in the office.

Skyler Dayton:
Oh-oh. Just like in school. I used to always get called into the principal's office because my little plaid skirts were too short.

Stuart Miller:
[mutters to Gavin] Why don't you just kill me?

Skyler Dayton:
Are you firing me?

Gavin P. Miller:
I am enabling you to seek other- Yes, I'm firing you.

Skyler Dayton:
Wow. I've never been fired before... by a guy.

[first lines]

Skyler Dayton:
Uh. Excuse me, can I help you?

Ray:
There's a guy named Gavin.

Skyler Dayton:
Yeah.

Ray:
He used to work here.

Skyler Dayton:
Yeah.

Ray:
His name's Gavin.

Skyler Dayton:
Well, if there were a guy named Gavin here, would you want to talk to him or, I don't know... cut him?

Ray:
Well, I definitely want to talk to him.

Skyler Dayton:
So, to be clear, not cut him.

Ray:
Okay.

Skyler Dayton:
Do you mind saying the phrase: I will not cut Gavin.

Ray:
[yells] I really got to speak to Gavin.

Ray:
I wanted to call you like forty-five times, but I didn't have a cell-phone. Or a phone in my cell.

Skyler Dayton:
[about Gavin's new story] I kinda had a few problems with it.

Gavin P. Miller:
Problems? What kind of problems?

Skyler Dayton:
Oh, just a little... with the story, and the characters, and the setting.

Gavin P. Miller:
Is that all?

Skyler Dayton:
And the dialog.

Harold:
People have accomplished a great deal with false confidence. Without false confidence there'd be no pyramids, no space program, no Bruce Willis album.

[last lines]

Gavin P. Miller:
There's a kernel of an idea there. I'm going to get some of this down.

Skyler Dayton:
Yeah.

Gavin P. Miller:
Thanks. [he leaves]

Stuart Miller:
You know, that really is a great idea.

Harold:
It was when I saw it on 'Murder, She Wrote'.

Katrina:
It's like sex. Haven't you ever faked it just to boost a guy's ego?

Skyler Dayton:
Never. That would only be reinforcing a bad habit.

Katrina:
Okay, how about to just get it over with?

Skyler Dayton:
Yeah, I've done that.

Harold March:
Anyone, raise your hand if you hear a humming sound. [man raises his hand] See! Ha! He hears it!

Crazy Guy:
I've been hearing it since 1963. Same year aliens put a transmitter up my rectum.

Harold March:
Well, we'll look there last.

[first lines]

Katrina:
Morning, Harold.

Harold:
Double cappuccino, Kat. Chop chop. Got a lot to do. Very busy day.

Katrina:
What are you up to?

Harold:
Burt Henderson, my associate from Cal Tech, is having a seventy-fifth birthday bash, and I've been asked to prepare a toast. And of course everyone expects it to be funny, coming from me.

Katrina:
Why?

Harold:
Because I'm the funny one!

Katrina:
Seriously?

Harold:
I am dead serious. I've always been as staunch proponent of humor.

Katrina:
I never really noticed.

Nikki:
Skyler, you're a lucky girl.

Skyler Dayton:
I know I am.

Nikki:
But I have bigger b*obs.

Skyler Dayton:
Uh, no, you don't.

Nikki:
Yes, I do! I just haven't had 'em put in yet.

[last lines]

Skyler Dayton:
Why did you pick me over her?

Stuart Miller:
I suppose, I didn't want to make you look bad.

Skyler Dayton:
Oh, I don't care about that. I wanted to get you a little more action.

Stuart Miller:
You mean I just dumped her for nothing.

Skyler Dayton:
Pretty much.

[Kat takes a shot of his face]

Katrina:
Now that's a good picture.

[first lines]

Stuart Miller:
Hey, Harold.

Harold:
Stuart, I was cleaning my old NASA stuff out of the garage, and I found six cases of Tang. Do you want it?

Stuart Miller:
No, I don't want your old Tang. The astronauts really drank that stuff?

Harold:
No, they hated it! That's why I'm stuck with all this Tang.

Gavin P. Miller:
Nice rack.

Skyler Dayton:
Well, thank you, Gavin. I was beginning to think you didn't even notice.

Gavin P. Miller:
Oh no! No no no no no! I was, uh, I was referring to the new, uh, magazine rack. I would never make a comment like that about your, uh, your... You see, I'm your boss, and, uh, it's my job to provide you with a safe work environment free from any sort of sexual innuendo.

Skyler Dayton:
Well, it must be really *hard*. Oh no, I *blew* it already.

Gavin P. Miller:
Very cute, Skyler.

Skyler Dayton:
Sorry. Won't happen again.

Customer #1:
Can I get some help?

Skyler Dayton:
Coming!

[last lines]

Stuart Miller:
No, Skyler!

Jenny Wasserman:
What's wrong, honey?

Stuart Miller:
Uh, it's just a dream, bad dream. Sorry I woke you, Jenny.

Jenny Wasserman:
It's okay. Go back to sleep, Stephen.

Skyler Dayton:
Oh God, for a second there I really thought I was dying. My whole life flashed before my eyes.

Gavin P. Miller:
Huh, that's terrifying.

Skyler Dayton:
No! It was amazing. I've done a lot of really fun things.

Skyler Dayton:
Aren't you going to tell me about our sex dream?

Gavin P. Miller:
Please let's not talk about this.

Skyler Dayton:
Oh, come on, what was it like? Cuffs? Hot wax? Feathers? Or did the sex get kinky?

Skyler Dayton:
You probably don't even make a sound during sex.

Gavin P. Miller:
[yells] What I do during sex is between me and me alone!

Skyler Dayton:
That doesn't surprise me.

Skyler Dayton:
Look at Harold. He's always put together. Sophisticated... academic... with a flair.

Harold March:
I can't take all the credit. My personal shopper is a gay.

[first lines]

Rob:
Morning.

Katrina:
Hi, Rob. Um, blueberry muffin and an orange juice, right?

Rob:
Yeah. I've only been here once; how do you remember my order? And my name?

Katrina:
Well, I, um, have a photographic memory. It's not like I followed you out of here and down to your office yesterday like some crazy stalker. [laughs wildly]

Rob:
Well, here you go. Thanks.

Katrina:
Here. Uh, hope you sell a lot of copiers.

Rob:
How do you know I sell copiers?

Katrina:
You sell copiers? Wow, that's so weird. It's just an expression I use.

Skyler Dayton:
You shouldn't live in the past. Especially your past.

Harold:
Like they say: reach for the stars.

Stuart Miller:
Thanks, Harold.

Harold:
Which, when you think of it, is insane. You're not even tall enough to change a light bulb.

[last lines]

[they are in bed]

Stuart Miller:
Wow!

Katrina:
Yeah. Sorry about the spurs.

Stuart Miller:
No problem. Happy birthday.

Katrina:
Thanks. This won't be weird at work tomorrow, will it?

Stuart Miller:
Absolutely.

Katrina:
Yeah.

[first lines]

Stuart Miller:
Are you ready for the health inspector?

Katrina:
Oh, relax, it's Otis. Otis loves me. Mostly because he's a sugar junkie and I give him free sweets. It's hard for him to be a stickler for hygiene when he's the one who licks the bowl.

Skyler Dayton:
I'm a really good matchmaker. I introduced my friend Brandy to all three of her husbands.

Risa:
Well, everything here seems to be very crean. I just need the owner to sign this.

Katrina:
Um, Stuart. Uh, Stuart, this is Lisa; Lisa, Stuart.

Risa:
Uh, my name is *Risa*. Although I am Asian, I am perfectly capable of saying the letter L.

Skyler Dayton:
OK, this is what we do. We got to hook Harold up with somebody else so he can forget about Stella.

Gavin P. Miller:
But... You can't just distract him with another shiny object. He's not a kitten.

Skyler Dayton:
I know. He's a man. They're easier.

[last lines]

Risa:
Katrina! Uh, by the way, I just wanted to tell you that, uh, I gave you a good report.

Katrina:
Oh, really? Thank you so much.

Risa:
Yeah, well, I was being a little overly sensitive. I've been very tense lately. I think I just need to get raid.

Brenda:
Oh my God, I'll be right back. I just told you I loved you and I'm not wearing any glitter.

[first lines]

Skyler Dayton:
Ah. Morning.

Katrina:
Well, hey, Sky. Want coffee?

Skyler Dayton:
Sure. thanks. You know what, Kat? I love you.

Katrina:
Are you drunk?

Skyler Dayton:
No, no. I really love you. I wanted to tell you that.

Katrina:
Oh. Why?

Skyler Dayton:
No reason. I just walked in here and I looked at you and I thought, "Kat is so great. I love her." So I said it. People don't say it enough. I *love* you, Kat.

Katrina:
Wow. That's three times. You just tied my mother.

Skyler Dayton:
See, that's one of the reasons I love you; you always make me laugh.

Katrina:
I don't know where I come up with this stuff.

Skyler Dayton:
My girlfriend's getting married, and she wants me to throw the bachelorette party. Is it weird to get a stripper for a stripper?

Skyler Dayton:
Oh no, I've got blueberry all over my Pucci.

Katrina:
Well, what do you expect with a skirt that short?

[last lines]

Stuart Miller:
Can I help you?

Customer:
Yeah, I was in here earlier buying some books.

Stuart Miller:
Hm. Need to return something?

Customer:
No, no. It's just you said something to me as I was leaving.

Stuart Miller:
Oh, yeah. About that, sorry, I was just...

Customer:
[puts finger on Stuart's lips] Shhh. Milford Hotel. Lake and Green. [puts key card in Stuart's hand] Room 27.

Harold:
Skyler came in this morning and greeted each of us by saying "I love you." Stuart took it romantically and made an ass of himself.

Stuart Miller:
Oh God, how am I ever going to look her in the eye?

Gavin P. Miller:
Shouldn't be a problem; it's not where you usually look.

Gavin P. Miller:
So what you're saying is Skyler just came in here this morning and told everybody she loved them. What kind of new-agey nonsense is that? This is a place of business, not some hippy love-in.

Katrina:
Hippy love-in?

Harold:
[sternly] Hey! We were going to change the world!

[first lines]

Gavin P. Miller:
Stuart. Did you read this? Random House is coming out with the complete annotated Faulkner collection - Stuart, that is not funny!

Stuart Miller:
Lets take a vote. Everybody who thinks it's funny put your hand on your chin.

Gavin P. Miller:
Why do you keep messing with my cardboard cut-out?

Stuart Miller:
Well, why is that creepy thing still in our office?

Gavin P. Miller:
Because I might decide to have another signing for my book.

Stuart Miller:
What for? Mom already has a copy.

Stuart Miller:
Why do you torment yourself with a constant reminder of your failure?

Gavin P. Miller:
It wasn't *my* failure; it's society's. My book was universally praised and no-one bought it. Meanwhile Britney Spears spits out a novel and 'Oops, I Wrote It Again' tops the best seller list.

Gavin P. Miller:
Professor, is it just me, or are the world's standards deteriorating?

Harold March:
Ah, standards can kiss my ass! Standards keep people from taking chances. In the space program we had a poster up on the wall back when we were building Apollo. It said: if you wanna make an omelette, you gotta break a few eggs. The astronauts did not like that poster.

Stuart Miller:
Books on human behavior can be found under 'Psychology' and 'Self-Help' and my name is Stuart, and I can be found under 'Dangerous Men'.

Skyler Dayton:
So can I. That's why I need the book.

[last lines]

Stuart Miller:
Oh, come on, let's hire her. She could be great for this place; add a little life around here.

Gavin P. Miller:
Don't be ridiculous! Do we really want someone who's going to recommend books based on the authors' pictures?

Stuart Miller:
So what!

Gavin P. Miller:
She chose College of the Desert guy over Edward Berlinger!

Harold March:
Edward Berlinger? I just read about him.

Gavin P. Miller:
Yes, he's probably won another award.

Harold March:
No, they found his wife's head in his freezer!

Skyler Dayton:
Really! Hah!

Gavin P. Miller:
We open at ten. Don't be late.

Harold March:
Dear God! He strangled her with his Nobel prize.

Stuart Miller:
God, she's so beautiful.

Gavin P. Miller:
I suppose. But I prefer a different kind of woman. Like Charlotte. She can speak four languages; she can converse on world affairs.

Stuart Miller:
She can frost a martini glass just by touching it.

Skyler Dayton:
Call me old-fashioned, but if you're going to be in bed with two women, one of them had better be me!

Harold March:
[sees Katrina coming in] Finally! Where's my coffee?

Katrina:
[getting behind the counter] I dunno, where's the life I always wanted?

Skyler Dayton:
I seem to have a thing for guys in a band. And actors. And pro athletes. And circus performers.

Katrina:
I seem to have a thing for guys who are one naked girl away from realizing they're gay.

Harold March:
At NASA, we had a poster on the wall. It said, 'If you're going to make an omelette, you've gotta break a few eggs'. The astronauts did *not* like that poster.

[first lines]

Katrina:
Good morning, Harold.

Harold:
Maybe here it is, but in Geneva it's seven at night.

Katrina:
Well, here's your coffee.

Harold:
You know, in the hills of Columbia it's just after lunch. I just got a cool new watch.

[about a "Girls Gone Wild" tape Charlotte found in Owen's bedroom]

Gavin P. Miller:
They're wrong because they paint an unreal portrait of what women are like.

Owen:
Well, I think that's the point, Dad. If girls took their tops off when I walked down the street, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Or, we'd be having it outside.

[last lines]

Katrina:
There you go, Harold. Good as new.

Harold:
Aaah. That's the stuff. [his watch beeps] Well, better get going.

Skyler Dayton:
Which one's you?

Gavin P. Miller:
I'm Sexy Lisa 5.

Skyler Dayton:
What, you're that little character? The girl in the halter top?

Gavin P. Miller:
Yeah. It's been proven that men underestimate women players.

Skyler Dayton:
Is *anyone* on the Internet actually a woman?

[first lines]

Harold:
Good morning, Kat. I'll have... What's this?

Katrina:
Oh. It's a Garfield cartoon I cut out of the paper. I think it's cute.

Harold:
Well, it's not cute. A cat, who eats lasagne! The feline digestive tract couldn't possibly break down the enzymes used to make ricotta. That cat should be constantly vomiting.

Katrina:
Well, it's not just about lasagne. He also hates Mondays.

Harold:
Well, I, uh, you didn't tell me that. [laughs uproariously] Hates Mondays!

Katrina:
You're dating John Stamos?

Skyler Dayton:
No! I'm dating his accountant. It's really weird; I've never dated a guy who wore a suit and tie before. Well, outside of a court appearance.

Harold:
Skyler, you look so young and healthy, what on earth have you had surgery for? [everybody stares at him]

Skyler Dayton:
Uh, Harold, I had my breasts done.

Harold:
Oh, dear God, they must have been enormous!

Gavin P. Miller:
What're you doing?

Stuart Miller:
Just, uh, typing up some employee evaluations.

Gavin P. Miller:
Uh-huh. [checks computer] Hm, I didn't know we had Asian twins working here. Someone should tell them about the dress code.

Stuart Miller:
I was googling a Chinese restaurant; this just came up. Apparently what those girls are doing is also called a Twin Dragon.

[last lines]

Harold:
Gavin, I, I, I,I just want to say I'm glad you're back and your operation was a success.

Gavin P. Miller:
Thanks, Harold. It really was pretty routine.

Harold:
Not true. Anything can happen when you go under the knife. Mixed-up charts for example; you could go in for a gall-bladder surgery and come out with a sex change.

Gavin P. Miller:
Oh come on, that doesn't happen.

Harold:
Happened to my nephew. Tragic. Didn't let it get him down, though; he just threw on some strappy sandals and a tube top, and strutted out of that hospital determined to make the best of it.

Stuart Miller:
He packed a tube top for gall-bladder surgery?

Harold:
And a pashmina and a pair of thigh-high boots. The weather in San Francisco is very unpredictable.

[first lines]

Katrina:
Oh, hey, Stuart. I got a cool idea that I think could really help business. What if we printed cute little quotes on our coffee cups?

Stuart Miller:
Doesn't Starbucks do that?

Katrina:
Yeah, so?

Stuart Miller:
So your cool idea is to take somebody else's cool idea.

Katrina:
Oh, like this is the first bookstore in the world. Right. Besides, they'll never find out.

Stuart Miller:
Oh yeah? A thief who doesn't get caught is still a thief.

Katrina:
That's good. It's a lesson. You are on a cup.

Stuart Miller:
This is turning into quite the art district, huh. The music shop next door, that antique store down the street, us, the muffler shop on the corner.

Skyler Dayton:
How's a muffler shop artsy?

Stuart Miller:
Well, it's run by those two lesbians; that's kind of artsy.

[last lines]

Roger:
I have always toyed with the idea of opening a high-end linen store; they're all over the Hamptons. I had breakfast next to Clare Danes once.

Skyler Dayton:
Oh, I love her.

Gavin P. Miller:
Linens, yes! Linens are quieter than cork. Follow your dream, Roger. Open a linen store.

Roger:
Well, I guess it could be fun.

Gavin P. Miller:
Well, then it's settled. All these guitars and amps are going away. For Tim.

Stuart Miller:
Yeah.

Roger:
Yeah, I'll put the duvets by the door and shams here next to the register, and over here, cashmere throws.

Skyler Dayton:
Oh, I love cashmere. Add fire, instant romance.

Roger:
You are my new best friend!

[first lines]

Skyler Dayton:
And if you sign up for our membership card I can take 20% off right now.

Male Customer:
Cool! I know exactly which 20% I want you to take off.

Skyler Dayton:
Really! Which?

Male Customer:
I... I wouldn't...

Skyler Dayton:
'How to Pick Up Women' is in aisle 8.

Male Customer:
Yes, ma'am.

Gavin P. Miller:
The guy cheated on you left and right; he's completely meretricious.

Skyler Dayton:
Professor?

Harold:
Meretricious: it's a word people use to say "Hey, look at me. I know the word meretricious."

[last lines]

Gavin P. Miller:
Go get your costume.

Stuart Miller:
Yeah.

Woman:
I would kill for a figure like that.

Skyler Dayton:
Hey, I can hear you. And it's not like I bought the last pair.

Harold March:
[Stuart and Gavin want Harold to give some kids a science lecture in the store] If I wanted to lecture to a bunch of ungrateful brats whose only accomplishments are playing video games and throwing up, I never would have left Dartmouth!

Gavin P. Miller:
Did you know one of the very few species of animals that mate for life is the whooping crane... and the ugly guy.

[first lines]

Harold:
Morning, Kat!

Katrina:
Oh, morning, Harold, I'll be right with you.

Katrina:
OK, large cappuccino. Oh, look at that, you got ten stamps on your card; this one's on the house.

Coffee Cheater:
Oh, great. Hey, thanks.

Katrina:
Trust me, if I had the power to give years back, I'd take the two years I spent dating that choreographer. How did I not see that?

Gavin P. Miller:
Do you know what goes on in public schools? Th-there's drugs, there's violence, and apparently everybody's running around having sex.

Stuart Miller:
Wow. Really is different than our junior high. [pause] High school. [pause] College. [pause] Now.

Skyler Dayton:
Private schools are no picnic. I went to an all-girl Catholic school, and I had a terrible time.

Stuart Miller:
Wouldn't still happen to have that uniform, would you?

Skyler Dayton:
Yeah, but it'd be really short and tight on me. Kinda reminds me about when I used to misbehave and get spanked with the ruler. Is that pretty much the picture you're looking for, Stuart?

Stuart Miller:
I would've preferred a tickle fight, but yeah.

[last lines]

Headmaster Keenan:
Oh my! Well, what are you doing here?

Charlotte:
Pour me a drink and I'll tell you all about it, Head-master.

Headmaster Keenan:
Oh, snap!

Gavin P. Miller:
So, how'd it go with Keenan? You look tired; that's good. Late night?

Skyler Dayton:
Yeah, very late. It was so bad I had to go on another date after him to make sure I was still into men.

Harold March:
I could never understand why people get so uptight over human sexuality.

Katrina:
Or why someone would wait till the third date. Am I right, Harold?

Harold March:
Why do you hate yourself, Kat?

[first lines]

Kevin:
Here's your book, Mr. Miller; I'm sorry it took so long.

Stuart Miller:
Kevin, there's like ten books here. And not one of them is the one I asked for.

Kevin:
Oh, it isn't?

Stuart Miller:
Nope.

Kevin:
I'm so sorry. I forgot which book you wanted, and I didn't want to bother you. I remembered it had the word, uh, 'Under' in the title, and so I brought all the books I could find with that word.

Stuart Miller:
Kevin, I said you could find it 'under' Biographies.

Kevin:
You did? I'm so stupid. OK, I'm on it.

Stuart Miller:
Hey, Kevin! You know the name of the book?

[last lines]

Kevin:
[mimicking Skylar] I'm Skylar. I've blond hair. Toodle-loodle-loo.

Skyler Dayton:
[laughing] That's great, Kevin.

Kevin:
When I walk I shake my booty like this. Teedle-leedle-lee.

Skyler Dayton:
[laughs] I do shake my booty like that, right?

Kevin:
I dress like a teenager, even though I'm forty years old.

Skyler Dayton:
Ha ha ha-ha-ha. You're fired!

Stuart Miller:
Cheedle-leedle-lee,

[first lines]

Katrina:
[reading newspaper] "Your tendency to put other people's needs ahead of your own will serve you well in the coming weeks." Oh my God, it's totally true; I do tend to put other people's needs ahead of my own.

Stuart Miller:
Read mine; I'm a Capricorn.

Katrina:
Hold on, I'm not finished with me yet.

Skyler Dayton:
[looking at Eve's engagement ring] But the diamond is so huge, it can't be real.

Eve:
It's the only thing on me that is.

Harold:
What's your portfolio like?

Stuart Miller:
Well, I do have a pretty healthy savings account.

Harold:
There's nothing healthy about savings accounts! Canadian football generates more interest.

[last lines]

Harold:
I invested a small fortune which turned into a incredibly large fortune. But I'm a man alone. Who on earth do I have to spend it on?

Eve:
Hi. I'm Eve.

Harold:
Harold.

Skyler Dayton:
Eve, he's my friend.

Harold:
Butt out, Blondy; I know what I'm doing.

Stuart Miller:
Women are so shallow. All they care about is money.

Katrina:
Not all women only care about money.

Stuart Miller:
Well, the super-hot ones do.

Gavin P. Miller:
You have no idea how painful it is to end a marriage.

Skyler Dayton:
Actually...

Gavin P. Miller:
Your *own* marriage.

[first lines]

Katrina:
Hey, Scottie.

Skyler Dayton:
Yeah, what?

Katrina:
Check out this picture of Jude Law jogging with his shirt off.

Skyler Dayton:
You know, he just is not my type. I could never date a guy with better eyelashes than me.

Katrina:
Oh, come on! He is the most gorgeous man on earth and he keeps getting more gorgeous. Every time I think he is the most gorgeous a person can be. he outdoes himself. But no, I am pretty sure this picture is the most gorgeous someone can be. [turns the page] He did it again!

Skyler Dayton:
Gosh, you're every bit as pretty as Harold said. Yeah, I just... don't see the family resemblance.

Zoey:
Oh, that's because I acquired a higher than usual number of dominant genes from my mother's genome. Huh?

Skyler Dayton:
OK, now I see it.

Gavin P. Miller:
Thanks for sending me those sand yams, by the way. You know, I, uh, I canned them and made candied sand yams.

Zoey:
I'd love to taste them.

Gavin P. Miller:
Oh, you can. I canned them.

Zoey:
You can can candied sand yams?

Gavin P. Miller:
You can. You can can candied sand yams.

Katrina:
This is the worst Dr. Seuss book ever.

[last lines]

Harold:
You two are perfect for each other.

Gavin P. Miller:
Wow! Thank you. Still all those mean things did just roll right off your tongue, didn't they.

Harold:
Believe me, if I had given you my approval it would have been the kiss of death.

Gavin P. Miller:
Wow. I do like Zoey.

Harold:
Well, welcome to the family.

[he kisses Gavin on the forehead as Skyler enters]

Skyler Dayton:
Eeuw. At least I thought I was kissing Bono.

Skyler Dayton:
You know, a friend of mine used hypnotherapy to get over his fear of sharks.

Harold:
Did it work?

Skyler Dayton:
Unfortunately, yes.

Zoey:
So how is Charlotte? She's so great!

Gavin P. Miller:
Oh, didn't you hear? We got divorced.

Zoey:
Thank God!

Gavin P. Miller:
Why does everyone always say that?

Gavin P. Miller:
I'm freaking out! Turns out this woman I've been seeing is not exactly who she said she was.

Harold:
Huh huh, I've, I've been there. It's quite awkward. The key is to check for an Adam's apple.

[first lines]

Harold:
Morning, Kat.

Katrina:
Morning, Harold. I'll get your coffee in a minute; I'm a little swamped back here.

Harold:
No thank you, no coffee for me. Never again; I'm going cold turkey.

Katrina:
Since when?

Harold:
Since I read a new study on the ill effects of caffeine. It's a powerful and dangerous drug you're peddling.

Katrina:
Relax, it's just coffee.

Harold:
I can relax; I'm not a coffee drinker. Anxiety and sleeplessness are two side effects. Also decreased sperm mobility. That's right, you're up all night, and your boys can't dance. [a waiting customer leaves the line]

Katrina:
Harold, that's not true

Harold:
It's *fact*! And sterility isn't the worst of it. Coffee can cause respiratory problems, heart disease. You might as well be pouring a hot cup of cigarettes. [more customers leave]

Katrina:
Would you stop!

Harold:
That's what you'll be saying to the pain as your calcium-starved bones snap like pretzels.

Katrina:
[to the last customer] Here you go. [he declines the coffee and leaves] Well, wait, there's a... [Harold takes the coffee] Harold!

Harold:
I love coffee and I *hate* lines.

Skyler Dayton:
Are you seeing anybody?

Carrie:
Um, I'd kind of just like my iPod.

Skyler Dayton:
No no no! No! No! I didn't mean it like that! I mean I'm not gay. Though I have dabbled. But... But, uh, there's always been a guy watching.

Gavin P. Miller:
I'm just not interested in dating some girl in her early twenties.

Skyler Dayton:
Do you realize what you just said has never been spoken by a man in the entire history of the world?

Gavin P. Miller:
What you did was bad, very, very bad.

Carrie:
Oooh, you wanna spank me?

Gavin P. Miller:
Yes! I mean no! Would you stop talking like that!

[last lines]

Skyler Dayton:
Hey, Kat, where should I put 'Sweet Valley High'? Romance?

Katrina:
I think Gavin likes to put it in Young Adult.

Skyler Dayton:
[all but Gavin laugh] That was good.

Gavin P. Miller:
OK, this is getting old.

Skyler Dayton:
Oh, and we know that you don't like it when things get old. [more laughter] Oh, come on, Gavin, look at this way: you dumped the head cheerleader; you stood up to the captain of the football team; it's every guy's high school fantasy.

Gavin P. Miller:
Huh. Never thought of it like that. Not that I didn't have my moments in high school. I dated a cheerleader then.

Stuart Miller:
Flag girl.

Gavin P. Miller:
Same thing.

Stuart Miller:
At band camp.

Gavin P. Miller:
Shut up!