Strangers with Candy

Jerri Blank:
I cried when I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. And then I laughed REALLY hard.

Jerri Blank:
From now on, this violin is my whole life.

Orlando Pinatubo:
Hey, Jerri. Wanna go throw stuff off the overpass?

Jerri Blank:
Yeah. [holds up violin] We can throw this.

Jerri Blank:
"Packing a Musket", by Jerri Blank. When you work from your home and johns call on the phone, you're a call girl. When you walk 'til you limp and give a cut to a pimp, you're a street whore. When they're beggin' you please to get down on your knees near their groinage, excusa me, but you see, don't you touch where they pee without coinage.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Thank you, Jerri...

Jerri Blank:
When I straddle and squat, to show you my...

[Bell rings]

Jerri Blank:
[to Tammi Littlenut] Pee on me.

Jerri Blank:
Protect me, Satan!

Jerri Blank:
Dear diary, I'm sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you.

Jerri Blank:
[about her chicken, Suki] She'll eat grapes out of anywhere I put them... Anywhere.

Jerri Blank:
I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis.

Jerri Blank:
Orlando, you can't be a pilgrim. The pilgrims had snowy white skin to match their pure Christian souls. They didn't sacrifice coconuts to their monkey gods.

Jerri Blank:
Hey Stew, you seen my mother?

Stew:
Which one? The real one, the dead one, or the one I'm having sex with?

Jerri Blank:
I like the pole and the hole.

Jerri Blank:
Somebody's been drinking. I'm gonna name you Dizzy.

Jerri Blank:
Hello. I'm Jerry Blank. 32 years ago I dropped out of High School and ran away from home. Oh, I made a lot of friends... did a lot of time. I was a boozer, a user and a loser. I stole the TV. - Did some more time. But now I'm back in school. And though the faces may have changed, the hassles are just the same.

Jerri Blank:
I stole the TV.

Jerri Blank:
Number one- get your chubby chimp-claws off the copper-top.

Jerri Blank:
"Dear Diary, I'm sorry for all those hateful racist things I said about you. Everything's changed; I'm in love... something you would never understand you dirty, dirty, dirty Jew diary. Just kidding, just kidding. Jerri Blank."

[Talking to a tree she has just planted]

Jerri Blank:
You know, you and me have got a lot in common, we both have thick leathery bark, we both have initials carved into our trunks, and we're both setting down new roots.

Jerri Blank:
Florida. Beautiful weather - harsh penal system.

Jerri Blank:
Dreams can happen

Sara Blank:
It's nice that you think that, dear.

Chuck Noblet:
Following his violent revolution, Gandhi was devoured by his followers.

Sara Blank:
I can stop whenever I want! That you don't believe me? Well, if you're such a good listener, why don't you watch this? [Pours bottles into the sink] say goodbye to my mixers.

Jerri Blank:
I guess she can stop.

Jerri Blank:
Come on, pick me. Look, I have the legs of a mongoose.

Jerri Blank:
What are you painting?

Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck:
Oh, just a little bit of Americana for Drug Awareness Week. It's the Battle of Miami. Columbus here, fighting the pilgrims as they attempt to land.

Sara Blank:
Don't rub your feces on the lampshade.

Jerri Blank:
Just trying to keep the boulder in front of my love cave.

Jerri Blank:
Don't think about sex. Don't think about sex. Don't think about sex. Oh it's hard. Oh, Hard.

Coach Cherri Wolf:
Today we're gonna be talking about reproduction and its consequences. In order for you to learn what it's like to take care of a ten pound [makes finger quotes] baby, each of you will be taking care of... a ten pound baby. First up, Jerri Blank.

Jerri Blank:
But I've had plenty of babies. Just none I've carried to full term.

Coach Cherri Wolf:
Come get the baby, Jerri.

Jerri Blank:
I don't understand the point of this.

Coach Cherri Wolf:
The point, Jerri, is for you to learn a valuable lesson.

Jerri Blank:
Which is?

Coach Cherri Wolf:
Well, if I told you the lesson, you wouldn't be learning it. I'd be teaching it.

Orlando Pinatubo:
You should run for homecoming queen, Jerri.

Jerri Blank:
What? Are you joking? I don't think I'm what the boys consider a traditional beauty.

Orlando Pinatubo:
In my country, you'd be a real queen.

Jerri Blank:
Yeah, well, that's cause your country's ruled by monkeys.

Orlando Pinatubo:
Jerri, that's an ugly thing to say.

Jerri Blank:
Geez, why are you people so sensitive about your resemblance to monkeys? They're adorable.

Chuck Noblet:
Can anyone tell me the tragic irony of the Trojan War? Tina?

Tina:
Um, that horses are friendly creatures yet a hollow, wooden one was used to destroy Troy?

Chuck Noblet:
Wrong and no. Anyone else? Chip?

Chip Beavers:
That the mighty warrior Achilles was killed by a small cut to his ankle.

Chuck Noblet:
Chip is wronger. OK, here it is. The tragic irony of the Trojan War is that though it was fought over Helen, who was young and beautiful, by the time they rescued her ten years later, she was old and ugly.

Tina:
But wasn't recovering the king's wife reward enough for the Greeks?

Chuck Noblet:
Tina, an ugly woman is never a reward.

[Jerri is running for homecoming queen]

Jerri Blank:
I was nominated today.

Sara Blank:
Oh Jerri, I'm sorry. Kids can be so cruel in their pranks. I'll have your father call Principal Blackman tomorrow.

Jerri Blank:
It wasn't a prank. It's for real, stepmother. And I have a good chance at winning.

Sara Blank:
Of course you do, darling. And I'm a caribou.

Geoffrey Jellineck:
If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowl of granola.

Jerri Blank:
And as for that little redheaded spitfire, Tammi Littlenut, well - let's just say the carpet matches the drapes. [Grunts]

Jerri Blank:
[to Jellineck, in prison] My a**hole's is hungry, baby.

Ricky:
You just gave me away?

Jerri Blank:
No, no, never. I traded you for a guitar. God, and all these years I've wondered, "What happened to that guitar?"

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
It's unthinkable, the atrocities that the Native Aamericans committed against the buffalo. No one is certain what exactly the Native Americans did to the poor creatures, but whatever it was, it caused the buffalo to become so depressed, that when the white men came, the buffalo committed suicide by jumping in front of the white men's muskets.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
You're new here, so let me lay it down for you. I run a pretty tight ship around here. Thats why the student call me "the hammer".

Orlando Pinatubo:
We don't call you that.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Shut up.

Derrick Blank:
Lets go watch some gay porn so we can get our hate back.

Jerri Blank:
I've changed. People change. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who informed on those blind orphans. I'm not the same Jerri Blank who revealed the hiding place of those Guatemalans... such as yourself. And I'm not the same Jerri Blank who took a crap in the Fleishmann's holly bushes... last night.

Jerri Blank:
I did things I wouldn't force on a mule, and that includes things I forced on a mule.

Principal Onyx Blackman:
I'll be back in a shortly.

Jerri Blank:
If you're gonna reach for a star, reach for the lowest one you can.

Principal Onyx Blackman:
Block the door with your budding femininity!

Geoffrey Jellineck:
It's not a cold sore! I bumped my lip on a biscuit!

Father:
What now, Jerri?

Jerri Blank:
I want to go home.

Father:
Fine. You're not a prisoner here. There are no bars on our electrified fences. We don't have attack dogs lurking in the alligator-infested swamps surrounding this compound.

Father:
[Holds up a sandal] Here. Call your parents, have them come and pick you up.

Jerri Blank:
That's a sandal.

Father:
More distrust, Jerri!

Father:
Who are you?

Jerri Blank:
Jerri Blank.

Father:
No... [slowly] who... are... you?

Jerri Blank:
Jeerrrrrriiiii... Blllllaaaaannnnkkkkk

Father:
Adam, God loves you. Why don't you go let him love you someplace else for a while? Jerri, although I am capable of infinite forgiveness, you are really testing the limits of infinity!

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
[Noblet is 'trying' to break a cult's hold over Jerri] Come on, Jerri! Let's go!

Jerri Blank:
Where?

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Back to the cult! We'll go through the furnace and then out the air shaft!

Jerri Blank:
We'll burn to death!

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Father will protect us! Where's your faith, woman?

Principal Onyx Blackman:
[Reading newspaper headlines] What's this? "Messianic Cult moves to Flatpoint"? Good God! I don't like the sound of that! What kind of maniac would attempt to control fresh young minds? [Turns on the intercom] Attention! Harken to my voice! An insidious cult is intent on controlling your actions. I command you to avoid it at all costs! That is all.

Jerri Blank:
Stoney and I would go over to Buckle's and Puff would turn us on to a hot load of mescaline crumbled into a tumbler of ether with a float of Percocet jimmies. I'd wake up with blood on my ass, and then we'd get high. Those were some good times.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
[reading a note he confiscated from Jerri] My vagina is on fire. I'm trying not to scratch it, Orlando, I'm afraid it will get infected. P.S. I just know I'm going to win homecoming queen. That will show those sons of b*tches, especially Noblet.

Principal Onyx Blackman:
We're going to be instituting a dress code. [Students groan] Relax, people. They're going to be based on your requests which I'm sure you would have requested had I asked for your requests.

Principal Onyx Blackman:
Stop by the nurse's office after lunch to pick up your free uniforms. And then stop by my office to pick up the nutty goodbars that you'll all be selling to pay for your free uniforms.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
[to Jerri] You are a big, fat, stupid *zero*, fatty.

Jerri Blank:
[hurt] Fatty?

Jerri Blank:
You never really lose your parents, unless of course they die. And then they're gone forever.

Jerri Blank:
You can be rich in family, or friends, or love; but the only thing that matters is being rich in money.

Jerri Blank:
Being a virgin is a wonderful and precious thing to hold on to. As long as it doesn't interfere with your having sex.

Jerri Blank:
Greeks are just Jews without money!

Jerri Blank:
But my vagina's all... puffy.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
[to Jerri, who wants to run for Homecoming Queen] You want to hear a little secret? You're only as ugly as we think you are.

Jerri Blank:
Do a lot of the people die of syphilis?

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Oh, absolutely. Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs, it decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor, and of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.

Principal Onyx Blackman:
[to Ricky, the transfer student] Your new-student eyes immediately graze over the firm young flanks of our females. And I won't have it! Capiche, amigo? There's nothing I'd like better than to put you new students back on the boat to where you came from. Comprend-zay vous?

Principal Onyx Blackman:
What's the situation? Who ran him down?

Chuck Noblet:
How should I know? I'm married!

Chuck Noblet:
[Noblet realizes Jerri has been watching him cry] Jerri, hi! I was just looking for my classroom! Is this it? Nope! This is Mr. Jellineck's class! Hmm!

Geoffrey Jellineck:
Jellineck. Geoffrey Jellineck. I'm the new art teacher.

Chuck Noblet:
Oh of course you are! Hi, I'm Chuck Noblet. Social studies, creative writing, school newspaper, assistant to the principal...

Geoffrey Jellineck:
What don't you do!

Chuck Noblet:
Get my lesson plans in on time!

Chuck Noblet:
So, is there no Mrs. Jellineck?

Geoffrey Jellineck:
No...

Chuck Noblet:
Divorce?

Geoffrey Jellineck:
She was, uh, she was murdered.

Chuck Noblet:
Sometimes that can be just as painful.

Jerri Blank:
[to the Mt. Valley Rabid Dogs] Suck my dick, you mangy dogs!

Sara Blank:
Did you by any chance wipe your ass on our bathroom towels?

Jerri Blank:
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

Sara Blank:
Yes, Jerri.

Jerri Blank:
You have the huevos mas grandes trying to make me look like some filthy animal in front of my super-cool friend Fran.

Sara Blank:
Did you do it?

Jerri Blank:
Yes... I was in a hurry.

Geoffrey Jellineck:
Hello, Judas.

Chuck Noblet:
Sorry, Geoffrey, I can't hear you above the roar of my success.

Chuck Noblet:
Dear Jerri... I am a certain someone who is in certain danger of having a certain terrible secret revealed by another certain someone. What should I do? Signed, In Certain Trouble.

Jerri Blank:
Hm, someone's gonna tell a secret... Dear Certain, dead men tell no tales. Wink wink!

Jerri Blank:
Hey, why don't you paint me while I talk?

Geoffrey Jellineck:
[mumbling] Well, I don't know...

Jerri Blank:
Should I remove my clothes?

Geoffrey Jellineck:
I don't think so.

Jerri Blank:
Are you sure?

Geoffrey Jellineck:
I'm positive.

Jerri Blank:
Why don't I remove my pants and panties?

Jerri Blank:
Well, you eat a lot.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Jerri, I have the metabolism of a hummingbird. For instance, last night I ate half a strawberry cheesecake at 3 A.M. and I'll never gain an ounce, understand?... Great my onion rings are burned!

Jerri Blank:
Sorry

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Sorry is not gonna make that golden brown ok... I'll never get this one back. You can't unfry things Jerri, you can't be something you're not.

Jerri Blank:
Why do we have to car pool with the Fagonokolises? They smell like feta cheese!

Orlando Pinatubo:
I like the car pool. The Fagonokolises are good people.

Jerri Blank:
Good people? They're Greeks, and Greeks are just Jews without money.

[Referring to Jerri's colored friend, Sydney]

Sara Blank:
Who's your cute young ethnic friend, Derrick?

Derrick Blank:
Oh, she's with Jerri.

Sara Blank:
[to Sydney] Get out!

Jerri Blank:
Hey, don't you want to know happened at school today?

Sara Blank:
All right. What happened in school today?

Jerri Blank:
Mr. Noblet ...

Sara Blank:
I was talking to Derrick. Derrick?

Derrick Blank:
Well, I punched this loser in the head - he was coming out of study hall - I blindsided him. He never even saw it coming.

[Jerri giggles]

Sara Blank:
That's very nice, Derrick. Okay Jerri, now why don't you make it quick?

Jerri Blank:
Someone punched me in the head when I was coming out of study hall today. Blindsided me - never saw it coming!

Geoffrey Jellineck:
Fine, I'll go now, but I'm not leaving.

Jerri Blank:
If only I could see what it's like to be blind!

Chuck Noblet:
Before we leave, THAT is Ricky, he's a new student here at Flatpoint... Now I want you to treat Ricky like you would any other student you know nothing about and who evidently feels he can walk into my classroom in the middle of the semester and expect me to change my lesson plan.

Sara Blank:
And here's my one-woman production of "Twelve Angry Men"

Craig Snow:
You need to face the fact that your mother is an alcoholic, but Jerri, that doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Jerri Blank:
No, I've heard her say plenty of times she didn't love me.

Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck:
Now, Jerri, I know you are having some family problems at home, but if you can't check your baggage at the door before rehearsal, then I will find someone else, somebody who doesn't have a family.

Craig Snow:
So when you get fed up with lies and delusions, we'll make a place for you... we'll just tell somebody to leave.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
[leading the "Obscurity Prayer" at the Ala-coholics meeting] Dear God, please give me the strength to blame those who did this to me, to accuse those who didn't, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Derrick Blank:
Tell us another meat story Stew!

Stew:
Okay, here's a good one. I was working at the buthcer shop the other day and this guy comes in and I say 'Hey! You thinking about buying some steaks?' And he says 'No! I'm going to buy somes steaks, I'm thinking about Poontang'.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Geoffrey! Those soft, pillowy lips!

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
At the end of "West Side Story," why do the lovers strangle each other?

Jerri Blank:
To prove that love is worth dying for?

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
No, I think what Shakespeare was getting at is that death is preferable to having your secret relationship revealed.

Principal Onyx Blackman:
Are you insane in the membrane?

Jerri Blank:
Can't you just drill a hole in his head to let the demons out?

Dr. Trepanning:
Jerri, that practice is obsolete. These days, we subdue the demons with drugs until they become addicted. Then we draw them out with meat.

Dr. Trepanning:
Well, Jerri, it's been a tough night, but we finally subdued him. I tell you, your son Stew sure can take a blow to the head.

Jerri Blank:
Well technically, he's not my son. He's my stepmother's lover.

Dr. Trepanning:
Oh, good, then you can sign these release forms.

Jerri Blank:
How's he doing?

Dr. Trepanning:
Well, aside from the insanity, he's as healthy as a horse that's been beaten unconscious by a gang of savage orderlies.

Jerri Blank:
Dr. Trepanning, can you get all the crazy out of my daddy?

Dr. Trepanning:
I can't make any promises, Jerri, but I promise I will. I'll use every tool at my disposal: medication, drugs, *and* pills.

Jerri Blank:
Well how long will it take?

Dr. Trepanning:
What is it, Wednesday? Thirty years.

Jerri Blank:
What? I need him by this afternoon!

Dr. Trepanning:
Jerri, the brain is a delicate and highly complicated organ. I know, I've taken a few of them apart and every time I put them back together, there's always a few extra parts laying around.

Jerri Blank:
Why can't you just drill a hole in his skull to let the demons out?

Dr. Trepanning:
[chuckles] Jerri, drilling a hole in the skull to let the demons out is a pretty archaic treatment of mental illness. Today, we sedate the demons until they become addicted, and then we coax them out with a piece of meat. It takes years.

Jock:
The only thing we hate more than racists... is spicks.

Jerri Blank:
First of all, I don't like people. I like me.

Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck:
Does everything have to be about you?

Jerri Blank:
Well, I may not be much, but I'm all I think about.

Jerri Blank:
Do a lot of the people die of the syphilis?

Chuck Noblet:
Oh, absolutely. Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs, it decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor, and of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.

Jerri Blank:
All you need is some TLC and some vitamin P. What I'm trying to say, Paul, is I find you sexually attractive.

Paul Cotton:
Jerri, everyone in school says ...

Jerri Blank:
I like the pole and the hole, and right now, I'm as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don't you come to my crib after school and I'll make your pinky all stinky.

Jerri Blank:
G-spot! Gonads! Gooks! Good times! G-goodbye?

Poppy Downes:
And meanwhile, our brothers from the east were eating bowls of rice safely nestled in their internment camps.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Excellent report, Poppy. It's important that we never forget the atrocities the Japanese committed against our boys.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Noone makes friends with a failure.

Poppy Downes:
I'm a bumblebee. I'm a bee and I need to get back to the hive.

Jerri Blank:
Well, those keyholes are a menace.

Jerri Blank:
They never did find out who gave Poppy the drugs, so I guess justice was served.

Principal Onyx Blackman:
Jerri, I'm an obtuse man, so I'll try to be oblique. Your illiteracy has made me the whipping boy of this school district. I attended the school board meeting this morning, and they all had their little laugh. It was a feeding frenzy of cackling hyenas, and I was the wildebeest carcass.

Coach Cherri Wolf:
Jerri, what does V-I-C-T-O-R-Y spell?

Jerri Blank:
Fandango? Hobocamp? Ho... hobocamp!

Jerri Blank:
[to Alan, the blind student] I think it's brave of you wanting to play football. I think it's sexy. It makes me as damp as a cellar down there - all mildewy. Enter if you dare...

Cassie Pines:
Dad's alive and yours is dead and ain't nothin' gonna change that!

Jerri Blank:
Well, what would you do if your daddy died?

Cassie Pines:
HEY. You'd love that, wouldn't you? Just because your dad was killed in some freak accident, nobody can have one? Well I'll tell ya something. My daddy's alive and yours is dead and ain't nothin' gonna change that.

Doctor:
[to Sarah Blank] What's... left of your husband is dead.

Jerri Blank:
And what are the odds he might recover?

Doctor:
A million to zero.

Fran:
The only reason you're cool is that you're a little satellite circling the planet Frosty. Surface temperature: zero degrees Franenheit.

Fran:
Look Jerri, as long as you're with me, you'll never go bad, because I've got you stored in my crisper, and the refrangerator is always dialed up to 9.

Fran:
Jerri, you're going to have to choose whether to stay here and be uncool in loser-land or to follow me into Frantarctica!

Geoffrey Jellineck:
[laughs] He's just kidding we're not lovers, we just have sex.

Charles 'Chuck' Noblet:
Hot... ass-thumping... sex.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Fran, you're late.

Fran:
Am I? Or is the rest of the world early?

Fran:
Hi Jerri.

Jerri Blank:
Yo-yo-you talkin' to me?

Fran:
Yep.

Jerri Blank:
I'm guessing this is a dream. Only difference is you're not naked a tied to a radiator.

Jerri Blank:
[to Fran] Hey, I have an idea. Let's do something girly. Why don't I grab some nail polish so we can paint each other's... clitorises?

Jerri Blank:
I'm cooler than you Frantic, you know why? Because I'm not. Think about it... I haven't.

Geoffrey Jellineck:
Yeah, I used to get stoned. A few years back, I was pretty down. I had just started this job, and my plugs weren't taking, my parents were brutally murdered, and I was fat. So I turned to pot hoping it would solve all my problems. But you know something? The only thing it fixed was my life.

Geoffrey Jellineck:
I know it feels good. I know we've all read the "scientific" studies that say it's not addictive and that there are no side effects. But scientists don't smoke pot. We do. And that's the difference. Look, all I'm saying is if you still wanna smoke pot, then be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends. Think about it.

Geoffrey Jellineck:
If you're going to smoke Marijuana, be prepared to spend a lot of time laughing with your friends.... think about it.

[in jail]

Geoffrey Jellineck:
Why am I in a ladies' jail? I am a man!

Jerri Blank:
F*ggot. [laughs] My a**hole's hungry, baby. [laughs]

Tammi Littlenut:
You better 86 the 69 talk.

Drake Rogers:
Wow, a virgin Whore.

Jerri Blank:
What's the difference between being married and in love and being horny and in the back of a car?

Drake Rogers:
I want you to know, I will say anything to get you into this bunk.

Jerri Blank:
Shazam. Look. Drake Rogers. Mmm, he makes me all puffy down there. I'd love to tame his blue vein swayback throbber.

Tammi Littlenut:
What do you mean, Jerri?

Jerri Blank:
Take him backstage behind the meat curtain, know what I mean? I'm talkin' about pounding out the veal.

Tammi Littlenut:
Are you thinking about having sex already?

Jerri Blank:
Does a pimp carry a razor?

Tammi Littlenut:
I don't know...

Jerri Blank:
Trust me, they all do.

Jerri Blank:
Well, I have to go to the ladies room. Tammi, you wanna come along?

Tammi Littlenut:
I don't have to go.

Jerri Blank:
You don't have to make a tinkle or a poo-poo?

Tammi Littlenut:
No, Jerri.

Jerri Blank:
Are you sure, Tammela? Maybe once you get in there, you'll have to make a wee-wee or a turdy.

[Tammi catches on]

Tammi Littlenut:
Do you wanna go to the bathroom and talk?

Jerri Blank:
I guess we *could* talk if you don't need to make a stinky.

Jerri Blank:
Why did you spread those vicious lies?

Drake Rogers:
Cus you didn't spread those vicious thighs.

Jerri Blank:
You don't wanna beat me or screw me. What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book.

Chuck Noblet:
Now where did we leave off yesterday? Ah, yes, the rape of the American West by the soulless red man. Now, no one's really sure what the Indians were doing to the buffalo, but it must have been pretty damn sick, because millions of these noble animals committed suicide by jumping in front of the white man's guns.

Chuck Noblet:
Hey, this'll be fun. Let's have a debate. Jerri will defend the godless savages, and everyone else will attack Jerri.

Jerri Blank:
What?

Chuck Noblet:
Don't be afraid to get personal. The objective is to win, or, rather, to attack Jerri.

Jerri Blank:
I don't know anything about Indians because I'm *not* an Indian!

Chuck Noblet:
A cunningly savage denial, Jerri. Alright, fact: a peaceful, napping General Custer was murdered in his sleep by bloodthirsty Indians while he was on a family camping trip!

Jellineck:
Most gay people are retarded.

Charles 'Chuck' Noblet:
Jerri, don't think of it as snitching on a friend, think of it as betraying the retarded.

Charles 'Chuck' Noblet:
Be careful, if provoked she could fly into a rage with the strength of an ape and no remorse, not even a bullet could bring her down.

Charles 'Chuck' Noblet:
Oh and don't forget to bring your permission slip to good time island.

girl student:
[laughs] Where's your permission slip?

Charles 'Chuck' Noblet:
SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH!

Principal Onyx Blackman:
What are you going to do at Good Time Island?

Jerri Blank:
I'm gonna get laid.

Chuck Noblet:
All right everybody, for tomorrow I want you to write a history poem on Hiroshima. But nothing too faggy. And remember, I need the permission slips for this week's trip to Good Time Island.

Girl Student:
Where's *your* permission slip?

Chuck Noblet:
SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH.

Jerri Blank:
I have to snitch on my locker mate.

Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck:
What is she, gay?

Jerri Blank:
No, retarded.

Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck:
Most of them are.

Jerri Blank:
What?

Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck:
Gay people! How did you find out, did you make a pass at her? She'd have to be retarded to turn you down!

[Noblet hooks Jerry up to a machine that will indicate whether she is lying through green and red lights]

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
What's your favorite color?

Jerri Blank:
Lemon!

[Red bulb lights up with a buzz]

Jerri Blank:
Rust.

[Green bulb lights up with a ringing noise]

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
What's your favorite food?

Jerri Blank:
Crepes Suzette!

[Red Light]

Jerri Blank:
Meatballs.

[Green light]

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
If you could be any animal, which would it be?

Jerri Blank:
[Jerry stealthily slips her hand over the red bulb] Kitten?

[Red Light]

Jerri Blank:
Snake.

Mr. Chuck Noblet:
Well, at least we know you can't lie.

Mr. Noblett

Never let your conscience trick you into owning up to the truth when there's still some chance somebody might believe the lie.

Jerri

Maybe its time to stop not doing what you pretended you can do and can't, and start doing the thing that you can't do, but can no longer pretend that you can.

Mr. Jellinek

I had this rich aunt who slipped into what we assumed was a coma. So we had her quickly euthanized and split her cash. I'm sure we would have wanted her to want it that way.

Yes, you can't.

Jerri

It must be be nice to hope for the thing you wish to want.