The Bedford Diaries

Sara Gregory:
Sean was right about you - you are a son of a b*tch!

Richard:
That's not fair, you've never met my mother - she's quite lovely.

Natalie:
What would I change about my sexual history? Everything. But that's the beauty of surviving suicide, anything's possible.

Richard:
If you thought you were in love, isn't that the same thing as being in love?

Richard:
Actually, one of my reporters is doing a piece on you.

Professor Sean Dixon:
Oh, really? No one's contacted me.

Richard:
Well, the article is about the relationship you had last semester with one of your female students.

Professor Sean Dixon:
Huh... So this is a fiction piece.

Lee Hemingway:
I think we're supposed to talk about our feelings, not have sex on camera.

Zoe Lopez:
Are you gay?

Lee Hemingway:
No, I'm not gay. I have a girlfriend.

Zoe Lopez:
Oh, that's cool. Very retro.

Sara Gregory:
You son of a b*tch!

Richard:
That's not fair. You've never met my mother. She's quite lovely.

Owen Gregory:
So, my father is a doctor, his father was a doctor. It's like I'm...

Natalie Dykstra:
Right! My first year at Bedford, I was an Econ Major.

Owen Gregory:
Ouff! God, no wonder you jumped!

Owen Gregory:
Actually, do you wanna know why I came to Bedford?

Sara Gregory:
The quality of the dorm food?

Owen Gregory:
Uh... In high school, people were always asking me, 'isn't it tough to be Sara Gregory's little brother? So many expectations, so much to live up to... ' And of course, I'd say, 'yeah. Yeah, it sucks.' But, I was lying. Growing up, I always knew that, uh, as long as you were around, nothing bad could happen to me. So, I figured out, I better go to Bedford, because no matter how... how tough it gets, how lonely I am... I know that with you, I'll be alright.

Sara Gregory:
Eh, heh... I'm glad you're here, Owen.

Owen Gregory:
Yeah, you better say that after that confession I just gave you.

Owen Gregory:
Usually I meet a girl at a bar, we have a drink, and I tell her a story about how I saved a kid from drowning at summer camp.

Lee Hemingway:
You saved a kid from drowning?

Owen Gregory:
Almost.

Zoe Lopez:
The difference between love and sex is, with sex you need a condom and a pair of running shoes, and with love you need diopters and a bulletproof west.

Gunther:
Zoe.

Zoe Lopez:
Yes, Gunther.

Gunther:
Stop with flirting. I'm gay.

Zoe Lopez:
[after kissing Gunther] Sorry, force of habit.

Professor Carla Bonatelle:
Is the column really worth all that grief?

Richard Thorne III:
The column? Nah. My right to publish it? Absolutely.

Sara Gregory:
Don't worry about me. Wonder Woman could always kick Aquaman's ass.

Professor Jake Macklin:
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is Professor Macklin's introduction to Sexual Manipulation.

Richard Thorne III:
Isn't sex always about manipulation?

Natalie Dykstra:
[sarcastically] Gee, that's romantic.

Richard Thorne III:
Realistic.

Professor Jake Macklin:
And that is a little sad, Richard.

Richard Thorne III:
Sad? Sad how?

Professor Jake Macklin:
Your use of the word 'always'.

Sara Gregory:
I'm diversifying my porphoria.

Owen Gregory:
Huh...?

Sara Gregory:
My problem in the past: I thought I could get anything I needed from one man. Now I know - niche dating is the key to happiness.

Owen Gregory:
Niche dating?

Sara Gregory:
Yeah.

Owen Gregory:
How come when I do that, you call it whoring around?

Owen Gregory:
[to Natalie] Well, thank you for showing me all of this. It's really spectacular, all of this... urine. In one place.

Owen Gregory:
So what's your name?

Erin Kavenaugh:
You wanna know my name?

Owen Gregory:
For the forms.

Erin Kavenaugh:
I'm Erin. That's Irish for Irish. What's yours?

Owen Gregory:
I'm Owen. That's Owen for Owen.

Professor Jake Macklin:
The degrading system in my class is completely subjective. Let's say that I give Richard a low grade based on a completely honest devaluation of his work. But he thinks I'm doing it because I'm jealous.

Professor Carla Bonatelle:
Are you?

Professor Jake Macklin:
No, but what if he thinks that I am? Or what if he's dating Katrina in order to make me overcompensate, give him a higher grade than he actually deserves?

Professor Carla Bonatelle:
What if they just like each other?

Professor Jake Macklin:
...like each other?

Natalie Dykstra:
Funny how Donald Rumsfeld looks a lot more cuddly made of pasta.

Zoe Lopez:
There's something less frightening about him.

Owen Gregory:
Mm. Let's face it, you put some cheese on this guy, and he's gonna run yummy.

Richard Thorne III:
Passion is about giving everything of yourself to another person. Saying: 'Take it. Take it all. Take everything that I have. I will move the world for you because I need to make you happy.' So what if she liked what I could do for her more than she actually liked me? I set it up. I asked her. How does that mean that she used me? I guess she just was never as passionate about me as I was about her. Passion is pain.

Natalie Dykstra:
[about the weight of the baby they delivered at the hospital] Good lordie, eleven pounds? That woman is gonna need a third breast.

Sara Gregory:
When people let emotions take over, they make irrational decisions.

Owen Gregory:
And nothing is wrong with that.

Sara Gregory:
Nothing wrong with being irrational? That's irrational.

Zoe Lopez:
[after kissing Richard] Too hard.

Richard Thorne III:
What?

Zoe Lopez:
Searching for my passion. See you!

Natalie Dykstra:
Trust me, when it comes to fights, Richard Thorne III has very big guns.

Owen Gregory:
What, and all I've got is a water pistol?

Natalie Dykstra:
What time?

Owen Gregory:
You can get there, say... Any time after eleven?

Natalie Dykstra:
Hm. Fashionably late.

Owen Gregory:
Of course, you're telling everyone else to show up at nine.

Owen Gregory:
Rylan?

Natalie Dykstra:
Well, he's in my Atmosphere in Science class. You know, that whole frat boy thing is just an act.

Owen Gregory:
You know he just played Sigma Eta? They're like nazis in letter sweaters.

Richard Thorne III:
Life is getting shorter by the minute, my friend. Call her.

Lee Hemingway:
Nah, I don't know what to say. What do I say to her?

Richard Thorne III:
You're asking the wrong alcoholic.

Richard Thorne III:
I wanna introduce you to a friend of mine. Trey Anderson - Sara Gregory.

Trey Anderson:
Hey, there. You know, I voted for you. Twice.