The Day Today

Beverley Smax:
If you mention the Church of England to most people, they'll immediately think of the sacraments, and the holy blood of our lord Jesus Christ. But to many within the church, there is another ritual - the ritual of the bullying ritual.

Bobby Sky:
A young deacon was being inordinated, then during the inordination ceremony we would hum during his sermon, so we would be going "mmmmmmmmmmmm" and he would be trying to speak, not knowing who was humming.

Beverley Smax:
How many of you were humming?

Bobby Sky:
About 200 of us. 200 vicars all going "mmmmmmmmmmmm".

Peter Littleton:
Yes, I was picking up the hymn books, these exact books, and I was stacking them like so, and I'd stack them up to my chin, so I was really at full stretch with about 30 hymn books, and he said "Come on Peter, you can fit another one in there!" I said "No, I can't, I really can't," but he pushed another one in and said "You can fit another one in" and I said "I can't" so he pulled my head right back, so my head was like this, and I thought I was going to choke. And then he ran along this pew like that and threw the books, and yelled "Pick them up! Pick them up!"

Christopher Morris:
And since we recorded that report, everyone featured in it has lost their hair.

Voiceover:
The Day Today - slamming the wasps from the pure apple of truth.

Christopher Morris:
Those are the headlines. God, I wish they weren't.

Christopher Morris:
Those are the headlines. Happy, now?

Donald Bethl'hem:
[frontline war report] As I swilled the last traces of toothpaste from my mouth this morning, a soldier's head flew past the window, shouting the word "victory".

Christopher Morris:
Tonight the BBC will broadcast a documentary about war time London. People lived different lives then and did different things.

Christopher Morris:
Hello, you.

Christopher Morris:
And now, our financial report, over to Collaterly Sisters.

Collaterly Sisters:
Chris, thanks.

Christopher Morris:
[mutters] Take her off the monitor, I don't want to see her face.

Christopher Morris:
Fact me 'til I fart.

Alan Partridge:
Richmond Arithmetic versus Nottingham Marjorie - match postponed due to bent pitch.

Christopher Morris:
Peter, you've lost the news! What have you got to say?

Peter O'Hanarha-hanrahan:
I'm sorry.

Christopher Morris:
Look like you mean it! Look down at the ground and say "Sorry".

Peter O'Hanarha-hanrahan:
I'm sorry.

Christopher Morris:
Peter, next time you cross the road, don't bother looking.

Voiceover:
The Day Today: Bagpiping fact into news.

Swimcentre Nightwatchman:
Let me put it to you like this, right? I've been working here 5 years. Last year... nobody died. The year before that... nobody died. The year before that... nobody died. The year before that... nobody died. This year... someone died.

Christopher Morris:
And that's all from The Day Today today, today.

Keith Mandement:
This pool's been open nearly 40 years, and, in all that time I only slipped up once, to my mind. I was engaged in a particularly tricky word puzzle and 40 people had broken in and were in the pool, playing around, ducking, bombing and doing all manner of prohibited activities, and eventually someone was killed.

Interviewer:
But given that your sole responsibility is to maintain the security of the pool, isn't that an indictment against yourself?

Keith Mandement:
Well, I would say this - I've been working here for 18 years, and in 1975 no one died. In 1976, no one died. In 1977, no one died. In 1978, no one died. In 1979, no-one died. In 1980... someone died. In 1981, no one died. In 1982 there was the incident with the pigeon. In 1983, no one died. In 1984, no one died. In 1985, no one died. In 1986... I mean, I could go on.

Interviewer:
No.

Keith Mandement:
Right.