The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Will:
I'm gonna pop that little zit when I get home.

Phillip Banks:
Penn State would've been my first choice if my applications to Princeton, Yale, and Talledega Tech had fallen through.

Dr. Hoover:
You must have been an athlete in your thinner days.

Phillip Banks:
[Phillip and Dr. Hoover are in a fight] Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook?

Dr. Hoover:
Penn State, my brother.

Phillip Banks:
Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Warton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through!

Dr. Hoover:
Impressive, you must of been quite an athlete in your thinner days.

Phillip Banks:
Hey, hey, lets stick to the topic okay?

Dr. Hoover:
Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter should be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.

Phillip Banks:
Well speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter fits the criminal profile to a T, right down to the sloping forehead, and the wide jaws suitable for grains and small rodents!

Dr. Hoover:
I think you have her confused with your moma!

Will:
[Phillip punches Dr. Hoover and knocks him down] That's it Uncle Phil, your grounded!

[to Dr. Hoover]

Will:
You know, I'd be happy to perscribe something for that.

Jazz:
Between you and the humpty dance, I'll have to get a metal plate on my butt.

Will:
Carlton, I misjudged you. You're a lot cooler than I thought. Hey, you wanna go to the club with us tonight?

Carlton:
I don't have a date.

Will:
Carlton, never bring a sandwich to a buffet.

Carlton:
Well, someone has her rude hat on tonight.

Jazz:
I'm starvin'. When do we eat here?

Phillip Banks:
*We* eat here later, *you* eat here never.

Jazz:
[looking Phillip up and down] Looks like *you* eat here *often*.

Will:
Carlton, I think you've been deprived of oxygen at birth.

Will:
Am I alone in this, or did y'all know he was white? I mean - tall.

Carlton:
You're the man, Will. You're the man. I'm just the man behind the man.

Will:
Uh, what're you doin' back there?

Will:
[to Phillip] Hey, hey, hey man. Man, have I told you how thin you're lookin' lately?

Vivian:
Our family had its share of surprises. You remember the time Uncle Reuben came out the closet?

Helen:
How can I forget? He was wearing my purple suit.

Phillip Banks:
Carlton, you are grounded for a month. Will, added to the month that you already have, it should take you into Fiscal '91.

Will:
I'm going to the-to the library.

Vy:
Aren't you a little overdressed?

Will:
I was going to drop by and check on the, the thing.

Vy:
You mean the wedding?

Phillip Banks:
Geoffrey, bring me my tools.

Geoffrey:
Do you mean your knife and fork, sir?

[Hilary is begging Geoffrey to come and work for her after she has moved out]

Hilary:
I'm a career woman. I don't have time to dust and push around that... oh, what do you call that big, loud thing that sucks up everything?

Geoffrey:
You call him Daddy.

Hilary:
What kind of idiot picks a password no one can guess?

Hilary:
Maybe I sometimes say things that are selfish and self-centered, but that's who I am, dammit.

Phillip Banks:
Will, going to college isn't just about finding a job. It's about finding yourself, and finding what you do best that makes a contribution to the community. It shouldn't be just about money.

Will:
You really believe that, Uncle Phil?

Phillip Banks:
Yes, son, I really do.

Will:
Then how do you explain becoming a lawyer?

Carlton:
I'm sick of being such a big loser.

Will:
[faking sympathy] Aw, C - you're not big.

Girl:
Excuse me, what's a nine-letter word for "Terrific?"

Will:
That's easy: "Will Smith."

Will:
Hey. Kool-Aid.

Will:
Yo, Judge, Judge, check it, Judge. I was umm... working if you could help a brother out... ummm... he's got like two grand worth of parking tickets, ummm...

[Will sees Phil glaring at him]

Will:
I-I thought he was selling condoms.

Philip Banks:
When the press hears about this they're going to have a field day.

Judge Robertson:
Oh, I hope so. This is just the beginning. You know, I was looking through your police file, and bingo! Up pops your nephew. Parking tickets up the ying-yang. So I busted his bony butt. Pretty good, eh?

Philip Banks:
Excuse me?

Judge Robertson:
Oh wake up, knucklehead. You're in the big leagues now. I may be old, I may be senile, and I haven't been able to find my car for the past half hour, but I can beat you in a political campaign any day. You're dead meat, "Tiny".

Hilary Banks:
You were right, Will. Scott is the first guy since Trevor that I really liked, and I guess I just got scared. I guess I had to find something wrong with him.

Will:
And that Adams Apple thing is the best you could come up with?

Hilary Banks:
Well, you know I never had a good imagination. I never even had imaginary friends when I was a kid. I used to play with Carlton's. God, they were such dweebs.

Will:
Girl, you look so good, I would marry your brother just to get in your family.

Will:
Girl, if God created anything less beautiful than you, I hope He kept it for Himself.

Carlton Banks:
The police were doing their job. We were detained a couple hours, and dad came and got us out. The system worked.

Will:
I hope you like that system, because you're gonna be seeing a lot more of it in your life.

Carlton Banks:
Not if I bring a map.

Will:
Man, you don't get it, do you? A map is not gonna help you. Neither is your Glee Club, or your fancy Bel-Air address, or who your daddy is. They don't care about any of that. They only see one thing.

[Will, wearing a fat suit, is spying on Lisa]

Lisa:
Will? Is that you?

Will:
Well it ain't Fat Albert.

Will:
Ain't no thang but a chicken wing.

[Trying to hit on a girl]

Will:
Hey baby, I noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to put you on notice that I noticed you too.

Hilary:
Face it, you're a taker.

Carlton:
Oh, I'M a taker, Miss 'Daddy, can I have five-hundred dollars?'

Hilary:
Oh, right, Mister 'Hey Big Guy, how about a copy of your will in case something happens to you?'

Carlton:
That's called prudent planning.

Hilary:
Yeah, if your last name is Menendez.

Will:
That's right. You'd best to press on before you get straight molly-wopped up in here.

Carlton:
I guess it's ok to share my will.

Uncle Phil:
Carlton, I'm not dead yet.

Carlton:
It's a cruel world big guy and you can't be in it forever.

Geoffrey:
Miss Hilary, please, I'm still exhausted from last night.

Hilary:
Last night? Please. All I asked you to do was a little yard work.

Geoffrey:
I don't believe blacktopping your tennis court falls into that category.

Hilary:
You are so lazy.

Will:
Oh my God, Carlton! What's that hideous thing growing out of your neck?

Carlton:
Where? Where?

Will:
Ah, never mind. It's just your head.

Will:
[to Carlton] Could you drop me off at the beach? No, scratch that. Drop me off a couple of blocks from the beach. The honeys will get nervous if they see me with a midget.

Will:
[very first lines of the show] [opens the front door and hugs Geoffrey] Uncle Phil! Man! How are you doing?

Geoffrey:
I am not your uncle Philip...

Will:
My fault, man! I must have got the wrong crib. I didn't know there were so many brothers living in this neighborhood! We're doing all right, huh?

Geoffrey:
You have the right house. I am Geoffrey, your uncle's butler.

Will:
Okay. Well, I- [pause] "Cheerio" and all that rot! [laughs]

Vivian Banks:
[stressed out from being pregnant] I can't do this anymore.

Will:
Look, me neither! I mean, getting woke up in the middle of the night by a naked man running around the house!

Geoffrey:
I'm sorry! I thought you were all asleep!

Will:
Not you, G...

Geoffrey:
Oh, never mind!

Vivian Banks:
Look, now, everybody calm down. False alarms happen all the time.

Will:
But Uncle Phil was *naked* Aunt Viv!

Phillip Banks:
[annoyed] Shut up, Will!

Ashley Banks:
[after being caught lying to her family] All I want is for you to trust me!

Vivian:
Trust is a very fragile thing... [pause] And you're gonna have to start earning it all back.

[Vivian isn't doing any work because she's pregnant]

Vivian:
I'm as big as a house. All I want to do is lie in bed and eat pie.

Phillip Banks:
Well, Vivian, so do I, but I still get things done!

Will:
Now, come on, the only way that my plan is gonna work is if you follow my instructions to the letter!

Carlton:
Great! What are the instructions?

Will:
"Shut The Hell Up!"

Hilary:
Guess what?

Will:
You bought your own dinner?

Hilary:
[pause] Are you insane?

Phillip Banks:
As my father used to say, it's better to give than to receive.

Will:
Your pop had a bit of a drinking problem, didn't he?

Carlton:
If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and smells like a duck, what is it?

Will:
Your prom date?

[Hilary and Trevor first meet]

Trevor:
Wow!

Hilary:
I know.

Trevor:
Hi, I'm Trevor Collins, and these are my real teeth.

Hilary:
Wow!

Trevor:
I know.

Hilary:
I mean, we must all do our parts to protect the environment. Every time we cut down a tree, it just takes us one step closer to global warming. And we must do it not just for ourselves or our children, but for all of humanity.

Margaret Furth:
Why, I never knew it was such a problem. I think it's great that you have the courage to want to do something about it.

Hilary:
Thanks. It's my passion.

Margaret Furth:
Where should I make a donation?

Hilary:
I don't know.

Will:
Carlton, you'll never guess what happened!

Carlton:
well there's no since in me playing is there!

[Will's father came back into town, and then lied to Will about being around more and left. Phillip is trying to comfort him]

Will:
Hey, you no what, you ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm gonna be sitting every night asking my mom 'when's daddy coming home?' You know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?

Phillip Banks:
Yeah, you did.

Will:
Got to do my first date without him, right? I learned how to ride, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had *fourteen* great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card. The hell with him!

[pause]

Will:
I didn't need him then, I won't need him now.

Phillip Banks:
Will...

Will:
No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him, I'm gonna get a great job without him, I'm gonna marry me a beautiful honey and I'm having a whole bunch of kids. I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause there ain't a damn thing he can teach me about how to love my kids!

[long pause; he's crying]

Will:
How come he don't want me, man?

Will:
Ain't nobody gonna make me forget about my fianc?e. I love... Lucy.

Geoffrey:
[being confronted about his frequent sarcastic comments] Sarcasm? Whatever do you mean?

[a pretty girl walks into the room]

Will:
Ooh, special bulletin. Hormones to Will, hormones to Will.

Will:
Jean Claude Van Dam I'm fine!

Carlton:
Whoa, hold on mister, you're all over the map!

Frank:
[Vy is sad she doesn't have a boyfriend] [Frank is white] Oh, Vy, I have a single brother. Well, actually he's not a brother. Well, he is a brother because he's my brother. But he's just not your kind of brother. Oh, brother.

Hilary:
Geoffrey, what do you know about wine?

Geoffrey:
I know no-one does it better than you, Miss Hilary.

Will:
Well, you know what they say about guys with big feet.

Ashley Banks:
[smiling] No, what?

Will:
[Uncle Phil stares angrily at Will] T-they say, "Damn, those are some big feet"!

[the theme song]

Will:
[singing] Now this is a story all about how / my life got twisted, turned upside down, / and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, / I'll tell you how I became the Prince of a town called Bel-Air... / In West Philadelphia, born and raised / on the playground where I spent most of my days / Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool / and all shooting some b-ball outside of the school / when a couple of guys, they were up to no good / started making trouble in my neighbourhood / I got in one little fight, and my mom got scared / and said "You're moving with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air!" / I whistled for a cab, and when it came near / the license plate said "Fresh" and had a dice in the mirror / If anything, I could say that this cab was rare / But I thought: "Nah, forget it. Yo homes, to Bel-air!" / I pulled up to a house about seven or eight / and I yelled to the cabby "Yo homes, smell you later!" / Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there / to sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel-Air!

Phillip Banks:
Hit the road, you little tramp!

Will:
My horoscope says that I'm gonna be a famous rapper with a TV show.

Hilary Banks:
Those things are stupid. What does mine say?

Will:
Yours says "Be prepared for a fall. Remember, accidents may happen."

Hilary Banks:
Those things are stupid. [walks away] [screaming and crashing]

Will:
I wonder what I'll name my TV show.

Will:
Ashley, no!

Will:
Hey Hil', what's so funny?

Hilary:
Oh, Carlton just told a joke.

Will:
No, Hilary, Carlton is a joke.

Geoffrey:
I'm too ashamed to talk about it, it's better if I show you...

[puts in tape]

[Will jumps up, excited]

Will:
You did a porno movie?

Hilary:
Eww...

Will:
I could kill that boy!

Geoffrey:
If you're serious, I could make some calls.

Geoffrey:
I found that any game can be made interesting if you put some money on it.

Will:
Man, I love Halloween! It's the only time of year when a black man can wear a mask at night and not get arrested!

Will:
[Hilary is showing a very skimpy bottom-only bathing suit she just bought for Arnold Schwarzenegger's pool party] Oh darn, Now Arnold will have to return his!

Vivian Banks:
I like it Hilary!

Philip Banks:
I agree, it's a very nice hat.

Vivian Banks:
It's Hilary's new bathing suit.

Philip Banks:
When fish ride bicycles!

[theme song - new verses]

Will:
I got in one little fight, and my mom got scared / and said "You're moving with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air!" / I begged and pleaded with her day after day / but she packed my suitcase and send me on my way / She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket / I put my Walkman on and said, "I might as well kick it!" / First class, yo this is bad / Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass / Is this what the people of Bel-Air living like? / Hmmmmm, this might be alright...

Will:
[rejecting Phil's gift] I- I can't take this, Uncle Phil. I, um- There's something I need to tell you.

Philip Banks:
What is it?

Will:
[nervously] Those pills that Carlton took... um, they- they were from my locker.

Philip Banks:
[shocked] What?

Will:
[stammers] Uncle Phil, I was keeping them in case I needed them...

Philip Banks:
How could you be so stupid? You know you shouldn't be messing with drugs!

Will:
[stutters nervously] I know, Uncle Phil! Somebody gave them to me at school. I didn't mean for Carlton to take them. I mean, I didn't even know if *I* was gonna take them! [pause] I'm sorry, Uncle Phil...

Philip Banks:
[angrily cuts him off] Sorry? [he walks up to Will] My son could have died because of you!

Will:
Look, I know Uncle Phil. That's all I've been thinking about! B-but you gotta believe me, Uncle Phil, I didn't mean to hurt him...

Philip Banks:
Yeah, well, you did! You hurt him, and you could have hurt yourself!

Will:
Aunt Viv, I got the cake you wanted for the family reunion.

Vivian Banks:
Good!

Will:
And guess what's in here? [holds up a small case wallet]

Carlton:
It's round, it's rubber and you'll never use it!

Carlton:
[after being scolded by Will for being selfish] You know what your problem is?

Will:
No, I don't...

Carlton:
You're a slacker. You say you want things but you're never willing to work for it! You never make the sacrifice. You think you're just gonna charm your way through; just like your father!

Will:
[pause] Let me tell you something. I am *nothing* like my father, all right?

Carlton:
[the very last lines of the series] [Will sadly walks through the empty Banks' living room one last time; he makes his way towards the kitchen and turns off the lights. Carlton is still upstairs using the bathroom] HEY! WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS? [Carlton runs down the stairs pulling his pants up] WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

Will:
[Will stops as he watches Carlton run out the back door] I am definitely gonna miss you, C!

Phillip Banks:
[about Will] Did you see the way he was dressed?

Vivian Banks:
What's wrong with it?

Phillip Banks:
You hear that language?

Vivian Banks:
We used slang when we were kids! Do you remember our first date? You took one look at me and said, "That is a *bad* dress!" You could've just said it was a good dress.

Phillip Banks:
I could have, if I liked it. Actually, it *was* a *bad* dress!

Will:
[about the house] Yo, this is better than Love Boat! This boy gonna be maxing and relaxing.

Phillip Banks:
Hold on just a minute, son. We promised your mother that you're here to work hard, straighten out and learn some good old-fashioned American values...

Hilary:
[walks in] Dad, I need $300!

Judge Carl Robertson:
That was fun. There goes Philip Banks, the biggest sap that ever lived! What a stooge.

Will:
Excuse me?

Judge Carl Robertson:
He's a sap, a dope, a loser! He never had what it takes and he never will!

Will:
Isn't that right? I think you should take that back, man!

Judge Carl Robertson:
You do?

Will:
Yeah, I do!

Judge Carl Robertson:
Well, I think you should run along and play. And don't get involved in politics until you're a big boy!

Will:
At least my uncle stands for something!

Judge Carl Robertson:
Really? And what would that be? A buffet? [he laughs]

Will:
My uncle fights for what he believes in...

Judge Carl Robertson:
Shame on me.

Will:
My uncle's three times the man you will ever be!

Judge Carl Robertson:
[scoffs] He's got my vote! [laughs]

Will:
And another thing: Everything you said in your campaign was a lie! You have no integrity, no decency, and you're really, really short! And I'll tell you another thing, if you don't like it, man, you can drop dead! [Judge Robertson suddenly gasps and drops down to the floor dead]

Will:
[when realizing that Carlton has taken the drugs from his locker] Hey, Carlton. Carlton! Carlton, listen. Something terrible has happened, man! Come on, I gotta get you to the hospital!

Carlton:
[while dancing erratically on the prom stage] Why? This is the greatest night of my... [Carlton suddenly passes out on the dance floor]

Carlton's Date:
[screams as Carlton falls on the floor] CARLTON!

Will:
[Will grabs hold of Carlton] YO! Carlton, man...

Will:
[to Carlton as he's waking up at the hospital after overdosing from drugs] Carlton, you're at a hospital.

Carlton:
I feel terrible. I never thought losing my virginity would be this painful!

Will:
Carlton, I got some bad news...

Carlton:
Oh, God, I malfunctioned!

Will:
No. See, you never made it past the dance floor. Those pills that you took weren't vitamins.

Carlton:
What were they?

Will:
Look, you gotta promise you're not gonna overreact...

Carlton:
What could be worse than finding out I'm still a virgin?

Will:
[about the drugs] It was Speed...

Carlton:
Oh, my God. I'm a drug addict *and* a virgin!

Will:
Shut up! Shut up, shut up. Now be quiet!

Geoffrey:
[handing Carlton a big brown bag] Master Carlton, I have to take this tray up to your mother, so on your way out, would you mind taking out the garbage?

Carlton:
Do I look like Roc?

Will:
[sitting at the kitchen table] I don't know, Carlton. Maybe if you shaved your head bald and sanded down the square part.

Carlton:
[ignores Will and hands Ashley the bag] Ashley, you take out the garbage!

Ashley Banks:
Why me?

Carlton:
Because I'm bigger than you.

Will:
See, that's not fair. That's only 'cause you got them shoe lifts in today.

Carlton:
They're not lifts. I doubled up on my Odor-Eaters.

Ashley Banks:
[Carlton walks out of the kitchen while Ashley is holding the trash bag; Hilary walks into the kitchen and Ashley hands her the bag] Here, Hilary, you take it out!

Hilary:
Out where?

Ashley Banks:
To the trash cans! You know, those things you hit every time you back out the car?

Hilary:
Oh, thank God. I thought it was the neighbor's kids! [Hilary takes the brown garbage bag from Ashley] THIS IS GROSS! I don't touch greasy, disgusting things!

Will:
Well, just pretend it's buying you dinner afterwards.

Hilary:
[Hilary walks up to Will and shoves the trash bag to him] You take it!

Will:
Yo, girl!

Hilary:
And for your information, dinner comes first! [Hilary walks out of the kitchen]

Will:
Oh, it's like that, right? You're just gonna slam garbage at me! [Uncle Phil walks in the room]

Phillip Banks:
Good morning, Will.

Will:
Good morning, Uncle Phil. [Will hands Phil the dirty garbage bag] Here's your lunch!

Phillip Banks:
[Phil takes the bag and walk out of the house] Thank you!

Carlton:
This is just retarded.

Will:
[talking to Carlton] Now look, the only way we'll make it is if we stick together. [Will and Carlton shake hands]

Phillip Banks:
Explain.

Will:
[pointing to Carlton] It's all Carlton's fault!

Vivian Banks:
Carlton, you are not going down to McArthur Park tonight. In fact [to everyone] none of you are going down to McArthur Park tonight.

Tiny:
[stands up] Wait a minute.

Vivian Banks:
Boy, do not test me.

Tiny:
Yes, ma'am.

Carlton Banks:
Will, I've never judged you, but you always act like you carry around some measure of blackness that I don't live up to.

Will:
Wait a minute, you never judged me? You do everything except carry around a big 'ol gavel. You act like I'm an idiot just because I talk different.

Will:
Here we are. Jazz's crib.

Carlton Banks:
Crib: dwelling, home, place of residence. [holds up note-cards and Will takes them]

Will:
Hip-hop flashcards?

Tiny:
Hey, leave C-Note alone, man. He ain't leavin' 'till he does my taxes.

Will:
[runs inside] Uncle Phil! Aunt Viv!

Vivian Banks:
Will, what are you doing here? Why aren't you in San Fransico?

Phillip Banks:
Where's Carlton?

Will:
Uncle Phil, before you get all angry-

Phillip Banks:
Where's Carlton?

Vivian Banks:
Where is my baby?

Will:
In Compton.

Vivian Banks:
Compton?!?!

Phillip Banks:
What's he doing in Compton?

Will:
A really bad imitation of me.

Phillip Banks:
Where?

Will:
At Jazz's crib.

Vivian Banks:
I'm going down there right now and getting my baby back!

Phillip Banks:
Vivian, baby. Slow down. Nobody is going anywhere. Expect Will.

Will:
Wait, I'm Will. Where am I going?

Phillip Banks:
Down to Jazz's crib to find your cousin.

Will:
Aroomph!

Jazz, Mad Dog:
Aroomph!

[Carlton tries to join in]

Carlton:
Aroomph!

[awkward silence]

[Carlton is planning to hang out in a dangerous neighborhood to fit in with the homies]

Will:
You have no idea what MacArthur Park is like. It's dangerous, man.

Carlton:
Oh, Will, if there's any danger, I'll just call the park rangers.

Will:
[annoyed] It's not that kind of park, Boo Boo!

Philip Banks:
My God, is that Will?

Vivian Banks:
[sarcastically] No, Phil, it's Richard Nixon in a Will mask.

Carlton Banks:
No, Mom, I think that's really Will.

Vivian Banks:
Hilary, you are not to have men in the pool house.

Carlton Banks:
I hate to tell tales out of school, but Trevor keeps a makeup case there.

Hilary Banks:
That's a lie!

Carlton Banks:
Is not!

Hilary Banks:
Stand on a chair and say that to my face!

Hilary Banks:
Oprah, believe me, my dad is a great guy. When I lost my job and he kicked me out of the house, he let me live out back.

Oprah Winfrey:
He kicked you out of the house?

Carlton Banks:
Well, he didn't actually kick her out of the house. He just changed all the locks and told her she didn't live there anymore.

Vivian Banks:
[to Hilary] Why is Trevor living in the pool house?

William 'Will' Smith:
Yes, Hilary, why is Trevor living in the pool house?

Oprah Winfrey:
[hands Will some tickets] And here.

William 'Will' Smith:
What are these?

Oprah Winfrey:
Two tickets to the Donahue Show! Oh, and tell Phil that Oprah says "Hi!"

Will:
What's so hard about being a comic you just stand on stage and tell jokes.

Keith:
Tell jokes? Telling jokes is what your drunk uncle Lou does at weddings

Will:
Uncle Lou ain't no drunk he just got a slight inner ear infection

Will:
Yabba dabba doo, I'm in the showcase too!

Will:
Knock-knock.

Philip Banks:
Who's there?

Will:
Amy Fisher.

Philip Banks:
Amy...

Will:
BANG!

Will:
I bet Sinbad's parents supported him when he wanted to be a comedian.

Philip Banks:
They named him Sinbad! He had two options: pirate or comic!

Keith:
Black parents and white parents are just different, no better, no worse. Like Poltergeist, little white girl gets trapped in the TV, the mom's all hysterics, crying, "Aahhh! Carolyn's in the TV! What are we gonna do?" You know if that had been a black mama, she would've been proud. She'd call her friends, "Girl, turn to channel two. My baby's on TV!"

Keith:
We've been broke since the day before forever. We get around being poor by putting things on layaway and we leave it there for a long time, don't we? I know brothers that still got bellbottoms on layaway. You ever leave something on layaway so long, you don't even recognize it? "Damn, when'd I get an 8-track tape player? It's paid for now."

Keith:
Black people and white people are just different, no better, no worse. You see a white guy in the unemployment line going, "$210 dollars a week? How the hell am I gonna live on $210 dollars a week?" They'll be a brother behind him, "$210 dollars a week? For nothing? Baby, get the kids, we done come up!"

Keith:
White people get to do things black people don't get to do. Elvis been dead fifteen years, people still see him. You never hear somebody say, "I just saw Marvin Gaye! He was at the mall. Well, you know, I heard it through the grapevine!"

Prof. Jeremy Mansfield:
[to Will] Can I get by?

William 'Will' Smith:
Not with those looks.

Prof. Jeremy Mansfield:
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's there to see it or hear it, does it make a sound?

William 'Will' Smith:
Yes, yes, it does. Well, no, no it doesn't. Well, how far away is this tree from the subway? And how far away is the woods from the ghetto? If the tree falls on a gopher, does the gopher make a sound? What if the tree falls on Uncle Phil and he hurts the tree?

Prof. Jeremy Mansfield:
[to Will] Nothing like that minimum-wage humor.

Will:
Excuse me, but I think I've seen your picture somewhere before.

Attractive Girl:
Where?

Will:
Oh, yeah. I think it was in the dictionary under KABLAM!

William 'Will' Smith:
[to his new teacher] Hey Sting, kick some lyrics, man.

Philip Banks:
[talking about his old college teacher] The man changed my life. And you know how he did? He challenged me.

William 'Will' Smith:
To what, a pie eating contest?

William 'Will' Smith:
If you don't like my Uncle Phil, DROP DEAD!

Reporter #1:
He's dead.

William 'Will' Smith:
Come on, man! If I told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

Carlton Banks:
Look, I think I know how to help Will. This calls for tough love. We've gotta draw him out, we gotta bait him, confront him, attack him until he defends himself. Only then will he start to feel better. Just follow my lead. Will, you should be ashamed of yourself!

Ashley Banks:
How could you do such a thing?

Hilary Banks:
Hope you never get mad at me.

William 'Will' Smith:
Why y'all screaming at me? I was minding my damn business and eating some fruit!

Carlton Banks:
Well, I could be wrong.

William 'Will' Smith:
At least my uncle stands for something.

Judge Carl Robertson:
What? A buffet?

Vivian Banks:
Carlton, take out the garbage.

Carlton Banks:
I did it last week. It's the terminator's turn.

Vivian Banks:
[after Philip kicking Jazz out of the house] Philip, you drop-kicked a human being across the front lawn.

Philip Banks:
It felt good, damn it! Back in the saddle again.

Vivian Banks:
I think living down the street from the Reagans has had a very bad effect on you.

Hilary Banks:
Carlton told a joke.

William 'Will' Smith:
No, Hilary. Carlton is a joke.

Geoffrey:
[to Uncle Phil] Can I get you anything, sir? Another aspirin? Perhaps a gun?

William 'Will' Smith:
[about Ashley] You're trying to control her too much. She's nine years old and she already has a calender telling her where she has to be and what she has to do.

Philip Banks:
But she doesn't have to worry about that because you tell her what to do? You're not her father.

William 'Will' Smith:
All right. But how come you didn't even know she doesn't like the violin?

Philip Banks:
She liked it for a whole year until you moved into this house. Can you explain that?

Ashley Banks:
I never liked it, Daddy.

Vivian Banks:
That explains it.

William 'Will' Smith:
Aww come on Uncle Phil, you gonna ruin my rep.

Philip Banks:
You're only 17. You don't have a rep yet.

Philip Banks:
Will, I want the best for Ashley. When I was young I loved classical music, but my parents could never afford lessons. I would stand in parking lot outside the Phil Harmonic, hoping to catch a spare note in the night air.

Vivian Banks:
Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown.

Will:
[laughing] He liked James Brown?

Vivian Banks:
He even wore his hair like him.

Will:
[laughing harder] He had hair?

Vivian Banks:
Will, You're only 17. You don't have a rep yet.

Philip Banks:
A hard head makes for a soft behind.

William 'Will' Smith:
So, you're gonna spank me?

William 'Will' Smith:
All this legal stuff won't work. The only legal phrase these people understand is, "will the defendant please rise?"

Philip Banks:
We gotta get that car back.

William 'Will' Smith:
Uncle Phil, you can't go down there alone. They got dudes down there that make you look like Webster.

Geoffrey:
If they are hooligans there, perhaps I should accompany you, sir. In the early ages, I was sparing butler for Mr. Chuck Norris.

William 'Will' Smith:
Thanks for helping me out, Uncle Phil and for winning my money back.

Philip Banks:
Your money? I'll play you for it.

William 'Will' Smith:
Uncle Phil, how did you learn to shoot like that?

Philip Banks:
Well, I spent some time at several pool halls in my days. That is why I didn't want you in one. You think I want to spoil your fun? I just want you to come home in one piece.

Will:
Uncle Phil, I don't think all this legal talk is gonna work. I mean, the only legal phrase these people know is, "Will the defendant please rise?"

Ashley Banks:
I'm old enough to marry Jerry Lee Lewis.

Geoffrey:
Aren't you dressed a little early for your date?

William 'Will' Smith:
I ain't going on a date. I'm going on a phone call.

Geoffrey:
That's what I call safe sex.

William 'Will' Smith:
We need someone to teach Ashley about sex. Someone who's a lot more experienced. [he and Carlton look at Hilary]

Hilary Banks:
Pardon me for being so attractive.

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Uncle Phil] Hey, look, Uncle Phil. Just remember sex is as natural as breathing. [Uncle Phil looks at Will] And I am going to hold my breath 'til I'm married.

Vivian Banks:
You remember the first boy you had over to watch TV, Hilary?

Hilary Banks:
Please, I don't remember the guy I went out with last week.

Kevin:
Is Ashley ready?

William 'Will' Smith:
No man, she's only 13!

Ashley Banks:
I'm so excited.

William 'Will' Smith:
Will you STOP talking dirty?

Carlton Banks:
So, how about that asbestos?

Ms. Rinkoff:
Asbestos huh? Last I heard it was called knocking boots.

Philip Banks:
Who's pregnant?

William 'Will' Smith:
Not me.

Carlton Banks:
Me either.

Hilary Banks:
...I'm going to go on a limb and make that unanimous.

William 'Will' Smith:
Somebody in this house needs to talk about sex, and it's not anyone in this room.

Philip Banks:
That only leaves... oh God please tell me it's Geoffrey.

Carlton:
How dare you not take Will. He's full of potential!

Top Dog:
That's why we want him. It's you we don't want.

Carlton:
What? But I did everything. I cooked, I cleaned, I hand-washed your toilets.

Top Dog:
Everything your butler does for you. I'm not accepting no Bel-Air bred prep school sellout into my fraternity.

Will:
Hey man! You can stop all that-

Carlton:
No, wait Will. I got this one.

Carlton:
You think I'm a sellout... Why? Because I live in a big house where I dress a certain way? Or maybe it's because I like Barry Manilow?

Will:
Yo, he mean Barry White, y'all.

Carlton:
Being black isn't what I'm trying to be, it's what I am. I'm running the same race and jumping the same hurdles as you, so why are you tripping me up? You said we need to stick together, but you don't even know what that means. If you ask me, you're the real sellout.

Philip Banks:
You know, this really irritates me. I have worked very hard to give my family a good life, and suddenly, somebody tells me there's a penalty for success? I'm sorry you had to go through that, son. When are we going to stop doing this to each other?

Vivian Banks:
You have an infant son who needs his father...

Philip Banks:
You know...

Vivian Banks:
In one piece.

Philip Banks:
I don't see Dan's wife giving him any heat over this.

Vivian Banks:
From what I hear, she's not giving him heat anywhere else.

Philip Banks:
[appalled] Oooohhh you women discuss that?

Vivian Banks:
You'd be surprised what we discuss.

Vivian Banks:
[about soap operas] The reason we get caught up in these stories is because, well, sometimes real life gets a little dull. [hears a motorcycle engine] What's that?

Hilary Banks:
Harley Davidson '58 panhead. [Ashley and Vivian look at her] I used to date a biker.

[talking on the phone]

Carlton Banks:
What do you mean I didn't get the job? ...Budget problems? But I was volunteering!

Helena:
Yo mama!

William 'Will' Smith:
Mama said knock you out!

Geoffrey:
My Uncle Redging always insisted that the woods were safer than the city until the day he died.

William 'Will' Smith:
How did he die?

Geoffrey:
He was eaten by wolves.

Trevor:
I've never been so insulted in my life. Blind people recognize me!

Carlton Banks:
I don't wanna die! I wanna go to college and poke fun at all the kids on financial aid!

Philip Banks:
Will, I thought you said you secured the camping equipment onto the top of the car.

William 'Will' Smith:
But I did. Oh, shoot! This ain't the Volvo!

William 'Will' Smith:
I'm sleeping with the presidents. That must be how Marilyn Monroe felt.

William 'Will' Smith:
[they're lost in the woods and Uncle Phil suggest flagging down a ride] Would you please take a stroll into the 90's man? We are three black men on the side of a mountain road! The only people that are gonna stop are gonna be wearin' sheets and yellin' stuff like "Get on Jim Bob!"

Carlton Banks:
[about Uncle Phil's driving] Dad knows exactly what he's doing. Do you think anybody would drive by the same tree seven times on purpose?

Philip Banks:
[to Will] Get out of the car.

William 'Will' Smith:
But, Uncle Phil, you just said th...

Philip Banks:
Get out of the damn car!

Carlton Banks:
For a long time, it gave me nightmares, having to witness an injustice like that. It shows you just how cruel this world can be. I can still hear them taunting him. "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids." Why couldn't they just give him some cereal?

Carlton Banks:
[after surviving the night in a cave] Dad, wake up! We made it!

Philip Banks:
[while asleep] Vivian, Vivian, I'm not a machine!

William 'Will' Smith:
[saying good night to the money he found] Good night, Abe, good night, Alexander, and can't forget about you, Ben!

William 'Will' Smith:
[after Uncle Phil insists he, Carlton, and Will will be okay] Does Bigfoot have to come down with a chainsaw before you realize we're in trouble?

Carlton Banks:
[speaks into his tape recorder] Carlton's log. My cousin has finally lost his nerves. I, on the other hand, have the strength of a thousand men.

William 'Will' Smith:
Will's log [pulls tree branch off the ground] is about to connect with Carlton's head!

Trevor:
[to Jazz] How dare you. Do you have any idea who I am?

Jazz:
A really bad cook?

Philip Banks:
We'll just hop a ride to the nearest gas station. We used to do it a lot in the 60's.

William 'Will' Smith:
Uncle Phil, could you take a stroll into the 90's. We are three black men on the side of a mountain road. The only people who are gonna stop are gonna have on sheets and be saying stuff like, "Get 'em, Jim Bob."

Will:
I'm innocent Will, and this is Uncle Phil, attorney at law... and this is Little Carlton. He's trying to find his way back to the circus.

Carlton:
For a long time it gave me nightmares, witnessing an injustice like that... It's a constant reminder of just how unfair this world can be... I can still hear them taunting him... "Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"... I mean, WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST GIVE HIM SOME CEREAL?

Will:
Give me the gun Carlton. You owe me man I saved your life. Now give me the gun

William 'Will' Smith:
Hey, Ash, say something to the baby. [Ashley blows a raspberry] Care to elaborate?

Ashley Banks:
Plenty.

William 'Will' Smith:
[into a tape recorder] Don't worry. She's just upset 'cuz she found out she ain't adopted.

Ashley Banks:
I bet you never did all this stuff when you had me. You probably smoked cigarettes and took up horseback riding until the day you had me.

Vivian Banks:
Ashley, we took the same precautions with you that we did with Hilary and Carlton.

William 'Will' Smith:
Oh, bungee jumping.

William 'Will' Smith:
Shut up, Carlton, before we send you back to the white family that left you here.

William 'Will' Smith:
I want to have a lot of kids like six and have them all right after another.

Carlton Banks:
Will, they're babies, not malt liquor.

Shantay:
[in Will's fantasy of having a family] Did you have a hard day shooting the naked centerfold models?

William 'Will' Smith:
Yeah, today we shot LaToya Jackson. I had to keep turning off the lights because she was melting.

[Uncle Phil suggests going out to eat]

Hilary:
Ok, but I'm not sitting between you and the dessert cart. Last time I almost lost an eye.

William 'Will' Smith:
[Uncle Phil has Will in a headlock] Uncle Phil?

Philip Banks:
Yes, Will?

William 'Will' Smith:
Are you gonna let me go any time soon?

Philip Banks:
No, Will.

William 'Will' Smith:
[after unintentionally burning the kitchen] MAMMA, NO!

Philip Banks:
[when Will and Jazz are watching a movie] I'll be back soon, Vivian. I'm gonna get a snack.

William 'Will' Smith:
Jazz, hide!

Jazz:
I thought your uncle was asleep.

William 'Will' Smith:
He must have had that recurring nightmare where he misses a meal.

Philip Banks:
Jazz, can you give us your account?

Jazz:
Can't. They closed my account. They said I was writing bad checks, but my checks were completely legible.

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Uncle Phil after he gets subpoenaed] You mean, I buy a car without your permission, I drive it without insurance, and you get sued? Dah, well, works for me.

Eric:
Will, I'll see you in court.

Jazz:
Court? There's a hoop and ball out back. We can go right now, sucker!

William 'Will' Smith:
Look at this license plate. It used to say, "Cold Chillin." Now it just says, "Old Chilli."

Eric:
A family spending time together. I thought that only happened on the Cosby Show.

William 'Will' Smith:
You've heard of the Batmobile, now check out the Rapmobile.

Hilary Banks:
Let's play rock paper scissors.

William 'Will' Smith:
No, let's play 3 Stooges [eye gouge fingers, Curly voice] Hey Moe!

Eric:
What's the name of your insurance company?

William 'Will' Smith:
Yo'fault. I ain't gone none and I don't need none cuz it's your fault.

Phillip Banks:
I smell cheap cologne and fried chicken.

Jazz:
I resent that.

Carlton Banks:
[singing] Deck the slopes with babes in tight pants: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Carlton's gonna get some romance: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.

William 'Will' Smith:
[singing] No, you're not 'cause you're too ugly: Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. They'll all be in my room, cute and snuggly: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Geoffrey:
Madam, Sir. This family is a close to me as my own. My gift to you is a set of hand towels. I'm British, I'm no good at this mushy stuff.

Bobby:
[after he sees Uncle Lester fall during skiing] Daddy, when you were rolling down that big hill, you looked just like Gumby.

William 'Will' Smith:
Yeah, Uncle Lester, and you sounded like Patti LaBelle.

Carlton Banks:
[when everyone starts singing] Hey! Wait a minute. You guys are drowning me out. My gift to you is a solo.

William 'Will' Smith:
Carlton, you can still sing solo. So low that we can't hear you.

Aunt Helen:
[to Bobby after the adults enter the cabin and sees the kids bound and gagged] Bobby, how many times do I have to tell you not to tie up the family?

William 'Will' Smith:
Yo, baby, I'm definetly straight out the hood.

Mimi Mumford:
That was the worst homeboy act I've ever heard.

Will:
Girl, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole FIELD of y'all.

Hilary:
Congratulate me. It took all day, but I finally found the perfect pair of alligator pumps to wear to the Save the Everglades dinner tonight.

Jazz:
[explaining a shrunken shirt] The directions on the shirt said "Hand Wash". So that's exactly what I did. Before I put the clothes in the washer, I washed my hands.

Jazz:
I'll earn my keep. I'll do everything Geoffrey does.

Philip Banks:
Geoffrey bathes.

Jazz:
I can learn.

Carlton Banks:
[to Philip] You started coming to my games only after Will joined the team.

Philip Banks:
I wanted to support Will.

Carlton Banks:
But you wouldn't come when it was just me.

Philip Banks:
Carlton, I'd like to come to everything you do. I always come to your tennis matches, to your glee club concerts, to your debate matches. Frankly, keeping up with your extracurricular activities is a 24-hour a day job.

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Carlton] Let's get something straight, Carlton. I've been out here for two months. I'm getting yelled at home, shouted at school, grounded, and threatened with expulsion on an almost daily basis. And now, when I finally find something I'm down with it, you can't take it. Well, I'm not about to sell myself short just so you can look good. So just grow up.

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Carlton] You should be the happiest guy in the world.

Carlton Banks:
Yeah, why?

William 'Will' Smith:
Because you got out of that locker room alive. Coach Smilie was upset. You're lucky it was just a starter's pistol.

Vivian Banks:
Will, don't play inside - you might break something. Or something might break you.

Phillip Banks:
Do I have to remind you that this is a living room? What if I went into your room and started throwing chalk around?

Will:
I'd be devastated.

Kellogg 'Cornflake' Lieberbaum:
Hooo, Will! Name's Kellogg.

Will:
Listen Cornflake...

Will:
'Ho' is not a word you want to be yelling around. I think the word you're looking for is 'Yo.'

Dr. B. Langford Oates:
[looking at all white people but Carlton] What do you different about these students?

Will:
Is that a trick question?

Will:
No, Carlton, if I had your friends, and if I woke up one day and found that I had a little horse on a polo shirt, I'd jump off the Empire State Building and hope to catch my eyelid on nail!

Carlton Banks:
With quips like that, It's no wonder you're the toast of the town!

William 'Will' Smith:
Come on, Ashley, let's write our letters to Santa.

Ashley Banks:
Will, don't you have something better to do with your Christmas vacation than writing some silly letter?

William 'Will' Smith:
Come on, Ashley, you can help me with mine. How do you spell Vanessa Williams?

William 'Will' Smith:
Thanks a lot, Ash. Now I'll never find out what Santa gets for Christmas.

Ashley Banks:
He doesn't really get an actual gift, Will. He gets love from all the kids around the world.

William 'Will' Smith:
Really? That sounds like a rip-off to me.

Philip Banks:
Ashley's right. What are we fighting about? We all used to love Christmas, now we take everything so seriously.

Will:
It's your world squirrel, I'm just trying to get a nut.

Geoffrey:
Master William... I applaud your new interest. Poetry is one of my great loves. I won first prize... at the old Devonshire poetry recital of 1963. Master William, you should have been there. The crowd rose to its feet shouting, 'Encore! Encore!'

William 'Will' Smith:
That's very interesting but -

Geoffrey:
'Cannon to the right of them, cannon to the left of them, cannon in front of them, volleyed and thundered'!

Jazz:
You need a last line for that?

Geoffrey:
Unhand me, you ruffian.

Geoffrey:
'Come through the jaws of Death.' Silence you ungrateful children. When you're ready to be quiet and listen, I shall return.

Jazz:
I'm starving! When do we eat here?

Philip Banks:
We eat here later. You eat here never.

Jazz:
Seems like you eat here often!

Will:
Roses are red, violets are blue, Jazz and I are black but Carlton what are you?

Vivian Banks:
[walking downstairs] I'm Ready.

Phillip Banks:
Ah, finally. What took you so long?

Vivian Banks:
Oh I just spent an hour chasing my outfit on the new rotating dressrack.

Phillip Banks:
Why didn't you set the variable speed adjustment?

Vivian Banks:
Phillip, these gadgets are making my life miserable.

Phillip Banks:
Well honey, you're the one who said we should redecorate.

Vivian Banks:
Well yeah! I said we should keep up with the Joneses, honey, not the *Jetsons*!

Will:
Look before this turns into a argument can we have our tickets so we can go, please?

Phillip Banks:
Oh, certainly.

[starts looking in his suit]

Vivian Banks:
You lost them did'nt you?

Phillip Banks:
No, I did'nt, I know exactly where they are. There in my desk... In my office... Downtown.

Will:
Awww!

Vivian Banks:
No problem. We'll just hop on my dress rack and swing by.

Hilary Banks:
Dad got us all tickets to the People's Choice Awards.

Ashley Banks:
[looks at Hilary] Thanks for letting me tell them.

[looks at her mom]

Ashley Banks:
And the best part is...

Hilary Banks:
We get to sit next to Arnold and Maria.

Ashley Banks:
Hil, you promised I could tell them.

Hilary Banks:
I know. I lied.

Geoffrey:
Isn't that romantic? He's quoting Elmer Fudd.

Will:
[to Kathleen] Maybe we don't know each other as well as we thought. Listen to me. I'm starting to sound like my Uncle Phil. Next thing I know, I'm gonna wake up bald and hungry.

Will:
Ah, my lucky baseball mitt. My mom taught me how to play. That's why I took up basketball.

Kathleen:
If you mention the word "breath mints" one more time, I'm going to scream.

Will:
[creeps up behind her] Breath mints, breath mints, [angrier] breath mints, breath Mints, BREATH MINTS!

Will:
[singing] I'm stuck in the basement sitting on a tricycle, girlfriend getting on my nerves. Going outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers.

Will:
Kathleen, in the last 3 hours you've taken out your eyeballs, your fingernails, your eyelids, and your hair. What other parts of your body can I get at the mall?

Hilary Banks:
I'm sitting next to Arnold.

Ashley Banks:
I'm sitting next to Arnold.

Phillip Banks:
I don't want my tires slashed, *Geoffrey's* sitting next to Arnold.

Kathleen:
Will, it's fine.

Will:
Uh uh, I'm a grown man lying under a table, hugging a teddy bear. I am NOT fine.

Will:
[Will has a dopey look on his face, and wearing a wig] I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle. Girl gettin' on my nerves.Going out of my mind. I thought she was fine. Don't know if her body is hers.

[Will and his girlfriend are trapped in the basement after and earthquake]

Will:
[singing] I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves; Goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers.

Geoffrey:
[after Hilary, Carlton and Ashley fight over the car radio station, Geoffrey takes the the knob, twists it off and throws it out of the window] It was either the knob or one of *you*!

Will:
[after Kathleen screams when Will says "Breath Mints" one more time] And your Mom sucks breath mints, *too*!

[Will accidentally breaks William Shatner's tooth with a cuestick]

Carlton:
Don't worry, Captain. We'll get you to the dentist, warp speed.

William Shatner:
Get a life!

William Shatner:
[after inhaling the Goofy Gas at the dentist] Kong Ding?

William Shatner:
[as Captain Kirk] What happened? The bridge looks so different. Spasers on spun. Ow, my tooth.

[to Will]

William Shatner:
Bones, help me.

Will:
Dammit Jim, I'm a black boy from Philly, not a doctor.

William 'Will' Smith:
You're not still mad at each other about the watch thing?

Tyriq:
He sold me a fake Rolex.

Jazz:
You paid with a fake twenty.

William 'Will' Smith:
Now first of all

[turns to Tyriq]

William 'Will' Smith:
you should have known it was fake when you saw that the warranty was only for two hours.

[turns to Jazz]

William 'Will' Smith:
And you should have known that the Jackson on a twenty ain't Jermaine.

Bob Eubanks:
What is the capital of Ohio?

[Tyriq buzzes in]

Bob Eubanks:
Tyriq.

Tyriq:
That would be the capital "O", Bob.

Bob Eubanks:
Will and Jazz, if you would please, take your places in our soundproof booth.

William 'Will' Smith:
Wait. That joint ain't gonna fill up with water or nothin', Bob, is it?

Bob Eubanks:
Not this week.

Philip Banks:
The sink is busted, and I'm trying to fix it, Will.

William 'Will' Smith:
Wait, Wait, Uncle Phil, no. Geoffrey's eyebrows just grew back from the time you tried to fix the stove, man.

Vivian Banks:
[when Will is going to be on a game show] Who's gonna be your partner?

William 'Will' Smith:
Kellogg Liberbaum. He's gonna call me on the car phone at 8:00 that is if Uncle Phil doesn't try to fix it.

Philip Banks:
That's it! The next person to mention the phone gets a boot in their behind!

Jazz:
[walks in] Mr. Banks, your phone is broken. [scene goes to Jazz getting thrown out of the house by Uncle Phil] Aaahhh!

Jazz:
[Will and Jazz are talking in the living room when Tyriq walks in] What are you doing here?

Tyriq:
Hey, wait a minute, you're the one who sold me that fake Rolex!

Jazz:
Well, you're the one who gave me that fake $20!

Carlton:
You see, what Will is trying to say is, and let me choose my words carefully...

[pause]

Carlton:
You guys are stupid!

Will:
Look, that is *not* what I'm trying to say!

[to Jazz and Ty]

Will:
Look, it's like this, y'all. It's like, with Carlton...

[to Carlton]

Will:
Carlton, who is Captain Kangaroo's friend?

Carlton:
Mr. Green Jeans...

Will:
How many players on a cricket team?

Carlton:
Eleven...

Will:
Letters not on a phone dial?

Carlton:
"Q" and "Z"...

Will:
Best Picture, 1936?

Carlton:
The Great Ziegfeld...

Will:
The third wife of Julius Caesar?

Carlton:
Calpurnia...

Will:
[turns back to Jazz and Ty] You see?

Tyriq:
[after a long pause] Yeah, I see. You think we're stupid!

Jazz:
[sarcastically towards Will] Well, I guess I better be going but I guess I'm too *stupid* to find the door!

[Will is pretending to be Ashley's father]

Miss Sharpe:
Oh, Mr. Smith, did you forget something?

Will:
Yes, I forgot to give you my direct line.

Miss Sharpe:
Look, I'm really flattered, but...

Will:
You know... that is quite an intoxicating fragrance.

Miss Sharpe:
Come closer.

Will:
Heyyyyyyy.

Miss Sharpe:
[moves closer to Will] That's a fake moustache!

Will:
No, it's not!

Miss Sharpe:
[rips off Will's fake moustache] Yes it is!

Will:
No, it's not!

Miss Sharpe:
Look, I don't know who you are, but I'm calling your real parents right now.

Ashley:
Will!

Will:
No, it's not!

Ashley:
Miss Sharpe...

Will:
It's not!

Vivian Banks:
Do you really think we can rely on them to take care of the b-a-b-y?

Hilary Banks:
Who's Bobby?

Vivian Banks:
The baby.

Hilary Banks:
Mom, his name is Nicky.

Philip Banks:
[to Will] You know, Will, if you had pulled a stunt like this in high school, there's no telling what I would do. For starters, I would do this. [sits on Will, causing him to scream as the show ends]

William 'Will' Smith, Jackie Ames:
You know what? You ain't never gonna change! I'm getting the last word in! Oh no you not! Oh yes I am! Damn!

Carlton Banks:
Aha! I go to check on my little brother and what do I find? A zucchini! A zucchini, Will!

Vivian Banks:
[hears Nicky and sees Will holding him on TV] That's my baby!

Philip Banks:
[Carlton's waving the zucchini dressed as Nicky] That's my zucchini.

Carlton Banks:
I'm calling Mom and Dad at the Bel-Air hotel! [goes to the payphone] Do you have a quarter?

William 'Will' Smith:
Nah. You have to buy something.

Carlton Banks:
Fine, I'll take a pack of gum.

William 'Will' Smith:
Sorry, we' closed,

Will:
[after catching Vy and Fred in bed] Mama, no!

[Philip and Vivian do not agree on how to raise Hilary]

Philip Banks:
A girl should always listen to her father.

Vivian Banks:
In that case I never would've married you!

[Geoffrey gazing at Karen getting the courage to ask her out]

Geoffrey:
Would you... like to...

William 'Will' Smith:
[walks into the backyard singing] Talk about sex baby!

Carlton:
[Carlton puts on toupee on Philip's head] So, Dad, what do you think?

Phillip Banks:
I look like Little Richard: Attorney at Law.

Geoffrey:
Dinner is served.

[sees Philip with the toupee on]

Geoffrey:
A-Wop-Bop-Aloobop-A-Wop-Bam-Boom.

Will:
[singing while playing harmonica] My butler is black/My butler is blue/His honey has green/Comin' out her wazoo.

Carlton:
So, Dad, how do you feel?

Phillip Banks:
I feel like Little Richard: Attorney at Law.

Geoffrey:
Dinner is served.

[sees Phillip Banks]

Geoffrey:
A-Whop-Bop-Aloobop-A-Wop-Bam-Boom!

Carlton:
Will, just face it, the better man won

Will:
Oh yeah, well the bigger badder man's about to beat the better man into oblivion

Vivian Banks:
Philip, if you died tomorrow, what would you want me to do?

Philip Banks:
Jump in with me and bring the kids.

Vivian Banks:
Oh, you don't really mean that.

Philip Banks:
You're right. Leave the kids.

Philip Banks:
[when Will and Carlton are making a dress] Son... [sees Carlton wearing a dress] and I use that term loosely. What's going on?

Carlton Banks:
Dad, it's not what it looks like. Will and I are making a dress.

Carlton Banks:
That's exactly what it looks like.

William 'Will' Smith:
Carlton, this is the saddest sight I've ever seen. Other than your girlfriend in biker shorts.

Carlton Banks:
When did you see my girlfriend in biker shorts?

Geoffrey:
Last Thursday at the tennis courts. Magnificent server.

Vivian Banks:
[Leading out seductively from behind the closet door] I'm going to slip into something that's going to knock your socks off.

Philip Banks:
My socks are already off. Just step out naked.

[while unconscious, Will dreams about Carlton and himself being old and fighting]

William 'Will' Smith:
I ought to knock your teeth out.

Carlton Banks:
Go ahead; they're on a glass next to my bed.

Carlton Banks:
[to Bobby] I will not be an accomplice to the murder of Mickey Mouse.

Hilary Banks:
Do I have to do everything myself?

Geoffrey:
The day you do everything yourself is the day I square-dance naked in the White House front lawn.

Vivian Banks:
Janice, why didn't you tell anyone about Frank?

Janice:
I guess I was hoping no one would notice?

Aunt Helen:
Girl, who did you think you were bringing him home to? Stevie Wonder?

Vy:
[about Janice's fiance] Janice, you should've told me he was white!

Aunt Helen:
Oh, no. Clear the table. She's about to blow a gasket.

Bobby:
[about the family sleeping arrangements] I wanna sleep with Carlton.

Carlton Banks:
I always dreamt when I heard those words, it would be Paula Abdul saying them.

Carlton Banks:
[to Will] I have compiled a special melody of songs. Give a listen: [sings] Ebony and ivory, live together in perfect harmony, because the world is black, the world is white, it turns by day and then by night, since she's got jungle fever, he's got jungle fever, they've got jungle fever, we're in love! [stops singing] What do you think?

William 'Will' Smith:
I think you were deprived of oxygen at birth.

Vivian Banks:
Well, here were are: the Smith sisters together again [to Janice] the good, [to Vy], the bad [to Helen] , and...

Aunt Helen:
Don't even think about it.

Helen:
She'll be on the first broom back to Philly.

Vivian:
Here we are, the Smith sisters, loud, live, and in color.

Helen:
More like, quiet, evil, and colored.

Phillip Banks:
Heck, the boys go to a predominantly... tall school.

Carlton:
[Carlton is practicing for solo in Easter Mass] Tell your pharoah, let my people *go*!

Will:
[mocking Carlton] Tell your pharoah, let my cousin *grow*!

Scorpius:
I am Scorpius the Magnificent! I see all! I know all... who are you?

[at a seance for Trevor the table starts shaking]

Hilary Banks:
That's Trevor! I know his vibration!

Carlton Banks:
I'm telling you, Dad. That hex is gonna pick us off one by one, and we'll all end up on Unsolved Mysteries.

Scorpius:
I'm losing it! I'm losing it!

William 'Will' Smith:
Dah, like you ever had it!

Hilary Banks:
Jazz and I are getting married.

Philip Banks:
Over his dead body!

Carlton Banks:
Oh, my God! My head! I look like a snowcone! What happened?

Sonya Lamor:
Please Darling, your too kind. No Pictures.

Vivian Banks:
Sonya, would you like anything.

Sonya Lamor:
Oh, I'm stuffed darling, I couldnt eat a thing. Except for that chocolate cake over there, can I have a teensy, weensy piece please. [Vivian hands her a tiny piece] Oh, I said a little piece, not a crumb.

Hilary Banks:
There is just something I'm dying to know.

Sonya Lamor:
Yes, I did it. And he deserved to be slapped.

William 'Will' Smith:
[about Aunt Viv being home all the time] Having her home all the time is great. She picks our clothes out for us, makes our lunches, cuts the crust off the ends of our bread. That woman must be stopped!

Philip Banks:
[walks in after exercising] That diet and exercise regimen your mother put me on has really changed my life. It's nice having her home more. She wakes up cheerful every morning, leaves little love notes in my briefcase, calls me up at work just to chat. That woman must be stopped!

Philip Banks:
[telephone rings and Will answers it] I've never felt better since I've been on this diet of exercise and healthy food.

William 'Will' Smith:
[hangs up phone] Uncle Phil, that was for you. They said you left your wallet at the donut depot.

Geoffrey:
[to Aunt Viv] Madam, I have some distressing news. Your heirloom silverware is missing and someone's stolen my new uniform.

Vivian Banks:
What?

Philip Banks:
It's probably just misplaced. Let's split up and search for it.

Geoffrey:
Don't trouble yourselves. I'll just go back to wearing my old uniform.

Carlton Banks:
The silverware wasn't in the basement, but I found Geoffrey's new uniform crammed behind the hot water heater.

Geoffrey:
The scoundrels must have ditched it in the haste to escape!

William 'Will' Smith:
[about Geoffrey's new work uniform] Is that G or Phillip Michael Thomas?

Geoffrey:
I take it you're referring to this charming uniform your aunt insisted I wear. It is my only humble opinion, but that woman must be stopped.

Philip Banks:
[while reading off the family's credit card bills] Carlton, $90 dollars for a pair of socks.

Vivian Banks:
It certainly is. Oh, Philip, that's nine dollars.

Philip Banks:
Oh, Ashley, how could you manage to charge $80 dollars worth of trinkets on our account at the drug store?

Philip Banks:
That's 80 cents. Sweetie, do you need to get your eyes checked?

Philip Banks:
Don't be ridiculous, Vivian.

Vivian Banks:
This has been going on for months. If you move the TV any closer to the bed, I'll be sleeping with Jay Leno.

Geoffrey:
Miss Hilary, when you were a child, you begged your parents for months to buy you a violin. Then five minutes into your first lesson, what happened?

Hilary Banks:
I quit. I had to. It irritated my chin.

Geoffrey:
What about ballet?

Hilary Banks:
I quit. I had to. I was starting to get feet like Fred Flintstone.

Geoffrey:
And cheerleading?

Hilary Banks:
Okay, I quit that too! They wanted me to ride to away games on a bus!

Philip Banks:
Will, your aunt and I want to congratulate you for setting such a fine example for the other kids.

William 'Will' Smith:
Is this some kind of sick joke?

Vivian Banks:
Not at all. We are very proud of the way you've managed to balance your schoolwork and your part-time job.

Carlton Banks:
Is this some kind of sick joke?

Philip Banks:
These bills are no joke. You kids could really learn a thing or two from Will.

Hilary Banks:
Are we like in the Twilight Zone? When does everyone put on the pig masks?

Hilary Banks:
I'm making a New Year's resolution to find a job... right after Easter.

Geoffrey:
Miss Hilary, do you remember when you were nine, and you wanted to play the violin? And five minutes into your first lesson, what did you do?

Hilary:
I quit. I had to, it was starting to irritate my chin!

Geoffrey:
And what about ballet?

Hilary:
I quit that too. I had to, I was starting to get feet like Fred Flintstone!

Geoffrey:
And what about cheerleading?

Hilary:
Okay, okay, I quit that too. But they wanted me to go to away games on a bus!

William 'Will' Smith:
Man, you don't know how lucky you are. You can be with your father whenever you want. You can eat with him and argue with him; he's there for you? You know where my father is?

Carlton Banks:
No.

William 'Will' Smith:
Neither do I.

Carlton Banks:
Look, I don't wanna see my father with tubes up his nose, okay?

William 'Will' Smith:
Carlton, there's gonna come a time when all he has is tubes up his nose.

Carlton Banks:
Not my father!

William 'Will' Smith:
Everybody's father! Except mine, cause I don't know where the hell he is!

Philip Banks:
Come on people, I weigh the same as I weigh in high school.

William 'Will' Smith:
Yeah, if you add up all four years.

Carlton Banks:
It's pointless for Dad to get this extra life insurance. He'll probably outlive all of us.

William 'Will' Smith:
Only if he eats us first.

Vivian Banks:
Carlton, your father just wants to make sure that if anything should happen, we'll be taken care of.

Hilary Banks:
That's right, Carlton. Daddy has gotten us used to this rich and pompous lifestyle. Oh, guess what? I went in on a race horse.

Hilary Banks:
My therapist said that the only way to cope with Trevor's death is to confront it.

Vivian Banks:
Trevor died bungee-jumping.

Hilary Banks:
I'm working up to that. Well, I'm off to my skydiving class.

William 'Will' Smith:
Yo, Hil, that's not your parachute. That's my bookbag.

Hilary Banks:
Whoops. That would've been embarrassing.

William 'Will' Smith:
Everyone, Uncle Phil had that heart attack because of me.

Vivian Banks:
Will, your fat joke had nothing to do with this.

William 'Will' Smith:
I've been sneaking him fatty foods for a week.

Everyone:
WHAT?

William 'Will' Smith:
[to the paramedic as Uncle Phil is in the ambulance after a heart attack] Hey, man, my uncle's going to be all right, right?

Paramedic:
Well, if I say he is and he croaks, you're going to be upset, right?

Dr. Kevarkian:
I'm Dr. Kevarkian. [everyone gasps] Not Kevorkian, Kevarkian with an "a." [everyone sighs with relief]

Philip Banks:
[while in the ambulance] Would you do me a favor, Will?

William 'Will' Smith:
Uncle Phil, we are not stopping for no burger!

Philip Banks:
No, no, no. Would you tell Carlton to look after the family just in case this is my last ride?

William 'Will' Smith:
Your last ride? Whatcha you talking about, man? We gonna go for plenty of rides in ambulances, man.

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Carlton] You're going to that hospital if I have to knock you out and call an ambulance.

Philip Banks:
[picks up some food on his plate, while on a diet after a heart attack] What the heck is this?

Geoffrey:
[hesitates] Chicken, sir. Oh! You probably don't recognize it without a thick coating of batter and gravy! [walks away]

Philip Banks:
[drops the chicken piece] I can't do this. I can't give up my favorite foods cold turkey... Oh my God. Turkey. With... pillowy mounds of mashed potatoes. [Will and Geoffrey the Butler exchange looks] Butter-drenched dressing. Tiny onions! Swimming in a sea of cream sauce. Oh!

[Carlton visits Phil in the hospital after he has a heart attack]

Carlton:
Hey, dad. I would have come sooner but... I couldn't stand to see you like this. I mean, you're like Superman to me.

Phillip Banks:
Yeah, and cheeseburgers are my kryptonite, huh?

Phillip Banks:
What are you talking about? I weigh the same as I did in high school.

Will:
Yeah, if you add up all four years.

Will:
You're going to that hospital if I have to knock you out and call an ambulance.

Vivian Banks:
Will, why don't you introduce Ice Tray to your family?

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Ice Tray] This is my little cousin, Ashley. This is my bodyguard, Geoffrey. All of this is my Uncle Phil. Remember we used to say that Daffy Duck must have a little brother somewhere? Meet my cousin, Carlton.

Ice Tray:
[when he arrives at the Banks' house] Man, this is dope! Rich people have all this stuff they have no use for. Look at all this: crystal, china dog, a book.

Ashley Banks:
[about Ice Tray's arrival] Word up, this is gonna be cold, stupid on the serious tip.

Philip Banks:
What did you say, young lady?

Ashley Banks:
I mean, it should be fun, Daddy. Peachy-keen even.

Ice Tray:
A book. Crime and Punishment.

William 'Will' Smith:
Oh, that's just some tired book Carlton is reading.

Ice Tray:
[reads] From the library of Master William Smith. Who's tired now, homeboy?

William 'Will' Smith:
Oh, that's just some book they're making us read in school. I ain't gonna read it.

Ice Tray:
Wait, wait. This is your handwriting. [reads] intriguing duality?

William 'Will' Smith:
Give me that!

William 'Will' Smith:
It's a shame Ice Tray had to leave before he could ruin Hilary's life.

Vivian Banks:
Will, I'm sorry I said that.

William 'Will' Smith:
But you meant it. It was fine when he was just some clown to come out here to bring me some cheesesteaks and cheer me up. But the second you found out Hilary liked him, you wanted him outta here. That's something I'd expect from Uncle Phil, but not from you, Aunt Viv.

Vivian Banks:
[in a stern tone] Hilary is my daughter!

William 'Will' Smith:
And Tray is my friend. We grew up together. We're from the same neighborhood, we're the same person, and if Tray's not good enough for this family, then maybe I ain't either.

Vivian Banks:
No! You are not the same person.

William 'Will' Smith:
I know who I am!

Vivian Banks:
I can see why you like Ice Tray; he's a lot of fun, everything is a joke to him: school, work, people. He doesn't care about anything.

William 'Will' Smith:
He always managed to care about me.

Vivian Banks:
Will, I'm glad he's a good friend, but that doesn't change who he is. I'm sorry, but a young man his age should be able to do something else besides fight and jump fences.

William 'Will' Smith:
You weren't there! Look, when I was a kid, every time I tried to bring books home from school, the kids would jump me, so Tray started walking me home, and if he hadn't been there to throw those punches and help me jump those fences, then I might not be here today.

Vivian Banks:
Well, while he was protecting your books, where the hell were his?

William 'Will' Smith:
What does that have to do with anything?

Vivian Banks:
Will, I'm glad he cares so much about you, but why doesn't he care about himself?

William 'Will' Smith:
Because nobody was there for him. Did you ever think if nobody was there for me, that I might not care about myself?

Vivian Banks:
And that would be an awful waste.

[on why he ran away because of Uncle Phil]

Will:
What if he told you you couldn't wear plaid anymore?

Carlton:
Don't even joke about that, Will. That's not funny.

Will:
[to Hilary] And what if he told you you couldn't entertain men in the jacuzzi anymore?

Vivian:
You had a man in the Jacuzzi?

Hilary:
[pause] This isn't about me, it's about Will.

Vivian:
I want to know when you had a man in the Jacuzzi.

Hilary:
Look, I have my own private life. What happened between me and the man in the Jacuzzi is between me, the man, and his video camera.

Vivian:
[Carlton comes home from the airport all beaten up] Sweetie, what happened to you?

Carlton:
Will told everyone at the airport I was Bryant Gumbel.

Will:
I thought we'd get the luggage faster.

Vivian:
So did they all mob you for autographs?

Carlton:
No. Five old ladies attacked me for being mean to Willard.

Geoffrey:
I don't know whether to duck under the table or do the running man.

Carlton:
Will, you MUST change.

Will:
Carlton, you MUST grow.

Philip Banks:
Will, get changed now!

Will:
You think someone will think I'm a drug dealer or something? Why wouldn't someone think I'm a doctor? [Carlton takes Will's hat off, showing off his hair]

Carlton:
Because everyone knows Buckwheat didn't go to medical school.

Hilary:
Dad, I need five hundred dollars.

Vivian:
If it's for the barbeque, we have already paid you.

Hilary:
It's not for the barbeque. I just want five hundred dollars.

Jazz:
Weren't you just here?

Will:
I've been gone all summer. Isn't there something else you'd like to say to me?

Jazz:
Now that you mention it, yeah. You dating Whoopi Goldberg?

Jazz:
[after Will leaves the Banks' house, he goes to Jazz's apartment] What's up, man?

Will:
What's up, J?

Jazz:
When'd you get back?

Jazz:
Man, welcome home. Later [shuts door in Will's face]

Vivian Banks:
When Will gets here, be nice. Otherwise you're gonna be bunkin' with Mr. Couch.

Philip Banks:
[laughs] Woman, please. Do you honestly believe you can manipulate me with sex?

Vivian Banks:
Does James Brown have a perm?

Vivian:
Phillip, I'm worried about Will. What if something happened to him?

Philip Banks:
Don't get my hopes up, Vivian.

Vivian:
Phillip!

Philip Banks:
Relax. I have Geoffrey scouring the city for him.

Geoffrey:
[walks in the house] I'm terribly sorry, sir. I searched everywhere, but there were no ice cream sandwiches.

Philip Banks:
Will, you're not going to wear a beeper as long as you're in my house.

Will:
Come on, Uncle Phil. How's a guy supposed to keep up with his tasties?

Philip Banks:
His what?

Ashley Banks:
His tasties, Daddy. His chumpies, his slimmies, his old ladies.

Philip Banks:
And who are you? Queen Latifah?

Ashley Banks:
Daddy, why did you throw Will out on the street?

Philip Banks:
I didn't not throw Will out on the street!

Geoffrey:
Oh, quite right, sir. You simply threw him out on to the lawn. He rolled into the street.

Philip Banks:
You went to private school, Geoffrey. Tell her.

Geoffrey:
[turns to Vivian] Madam, I went to private school and then I went to therapy.

Will:
Uncle Phil, all I'm saying is what's the difference between what I'm wearing now and you with a dashiki and an Afro back in the '60s?

Phillip Banks:
But I was making a cultural statement. You're just drawing attention to yourself.

Will:
Now... correct me if I'm wrong, but you think that a six-foot, 250-pound black dude in a dashiki and an Afro the size of West Philly isn't drawing attention to himself?

Carlton Banks:
Peacocks, Were marching down the field, Peacocks, We will refuse to yield, Nobodies tougher, Cause we are rougher, We are the Peacock of ULA!!!!

Carlton:
Now what do we do when we get caught?

Geoffrey:
Laugh.

[last lines]

Will:
I'm definitely gonna miss you C...

Nicholas 'Nicky' Andrew Banks:
Mommy and Daddy won't let me watch "Bad Boys".

Will:
"Bad Boys", huh? Whatcha gonna do?

Nurse Petty:
Max, you're supposed to be in therapy.

Max Jakey:
I played there 40 years ago. Bad theater, lousy audience.

William 'Will' Smith:
I'm gettin' out of here before Dr. Hannibal Lector shows up.

Vivian Banks:
[when Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv are in Geoffrey's room] He's not here, Phillip. Let's go.

Philip Banks:
Vivian, do you really want Hilary to find out she was conceived during a Sly Stone concert? [they search the room. Uncle Phil sits on the bed and everyone under it cries out]

Philip Banks:
All right. Everybody out. [everyone gets out from under the bed]

Vivian Banks:
What are you doing here?

William 'Will' Smith:
What are YOU doing here? And I hope those concert tickets weren't front row.

Hilary Banks:
Is that why you always play "Hot Fun in the Summertime" on my birthday?

Carlton Banks:
And where was I conceived?

William 'Will' Smith:
Probably at a white sale.

William 'Will' Smith:
I thought you died.

Max Jakey:
In Pittsburgh I died, it wasn't my fault, I was opening for a seal.

Max Jakey:
[running in] Faster, faster, faster.

Nurse Petty:
Max, running around like this could be fatal.

Max Jakey:
Fine, you die and I'll get a new nurse.

Max Jakey:
[to Will] You think you'll live forever, me, I know better.

Janet:
I need more ice.

Carlton:
You need more ice, *what*?

Janet:
I need more ice in my warm soda.

Carlton:
[corrects Janet] You need more ice, *please*.

Janet:
What did you say to me?

Waitress:
He said, you need more ice, *please*.

Will:
I can kiss heaven good-bye, cause its got to be a sin to look this good.

Geoffrey:
I'm too ashamed to talk about it, it's better if I show you...

[puts in tape]

Will:
[Will jumps up, excited] You did a porno movie?

Hilary:
Eww...

Carlton Banks:
The dean from Princeton will be at school this weekend. Do you know what that means?

Will:
You'll be kissing some major butt?

Carlton Banks:
Exactly.

Will:
Let the butt kissing begin.

Jazz:
My first time was special, everything it should be, and it was only $35 dollars. Course, things were cheaper back then.

Will:
That's very touching, Jazz.

Carlton Banks:
[to Joann] Can I kiss you good night?

Joann Morgan:
Yes... tomorrow morning.

Carlton Banks:
What time should I come back and... [he is pulled into the hotel room]

Carlton Banks:
I did it.

Will:
You mean you and Joann... [Ashley walks in the room] made the deal?

Ashley Banks:
What are you talking about?

Will:
Business, Ash. Have some breakfast. [to Carlton] So, who put the offer on the table?

Carlton Banks:
She did, and the terms were so attractive I jumped on at it right away, and don't worry... I protected my investment. [Will and Carlton run out of the room laughing as Hilary walks in]

Hilary Banks:
What was that about?

Ashley Banks:
Carlton lost his virginity.

Will:
Carlton, forget about Miss Right, focus on Miss Right Now.

Will:
I'm the manager of this place and there's a phone call for you.

Dean Morgan:
Who is it?

Will:
It, it's your uncle.

Dean Morgan:
My only uncle is dead.

Will:
Well then you should probably get it because it's probably REALLY long distance.

Will:
This innocence stuff was cute in high school but you're in college now, it's time to act like a man, start lying.

Carlton Banks:
Is the great Will Smith admitting he's wrong?

Will:
Well there's a first time for everything... but I guess you knew that.

Carlton Banks:
[when Carlton has a zit on his face] Look at my face!

William 'Will' Smith:
Oh, please, man! We eatin' here!

Carlton Banks:
Ashley, you take out the garbage.

Ashley Banks:
Why me?

Carlton Banks:
Because I'm bigger than you.

William 'Will' Smith:
See, that's not fair. That's only 'cause you got them shoe lifts in today.

Carlton Banks:
Every time I have a big date, I get a big pimple.

William 'Will' Smith:
Well, judging by the size of that thing, you must be going out with Nell Carter.

Carlton Banks:
[while in the hospital] Can't I get moved to another room? I have a reputation to maintain. What about when I go into political office?

Nurse Irene:
I'll tell you the same thing I told the last guy who asked me that. Just tell them you didn't inhale.

William 'Will' Smith:
Carlton doesn't take drugs. He hates drugs. We still have to mix his aspirin in with applesauce.

Nurse Irene:
Well, that wasn't applesauce we pumped out of his stomach.

Will:
[to the nurse about Carlton] Does he look like a drug addict?

Nurse Irene:
Do I?

Will:
Can we stick to the subject, please?

Nurse Irene:
[to Carlton] Listen, sweetie, the first time I came to this hospital, it was on a stretcher. I've been from Yale to jail and from Park Avenue to park bench, but now I'm clean and sober.

Carlton:
That's really touching but do you think you can get me a nurse without a record?

Nurse Irene:
[to Will] I like him. Try and help him to stick around

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Uncle Phil] I had basketball practice and school, and work...

Philip Banks:
Welcome to the real world, Will. That's no excuse, there's never an excuse!

Carlton Banks:
Will, how long have you been on drugs?

William 'Will' Smith:
I haven't been. Someone gave them to me. I've been really stressed out with everything I have...

Carlton Banks:
Will, calm down. You're not the only person in this house that hasn't thought about it.

William 'Will' Smith:
You? You don't seem like the type that would even consider drugs.

Carlton Banks:
Well, I have, but after last night, I never will again.

William 'Will' Smith:
I had basketball practice and school, and this guy gave me these pills to help me stay awake, and then Carlton. All I know is that somebody very close to me could be dead right now and it'd be all my fault.

Will:
[rejecting Phil's gift] I- I can't take this, Uncle Phil. I, um- There's something I need to tell you.

Philip Banks:
What is it?

Will:
[nervously] Those pills that Carlton took... um, they- they were from my locker.

Philip Banks:
[shocked] What?

Will:
[stammers] Uncle Phil, I was keeping them in case I needed them...

Philip Banks:
How could you be so stupid? You know you shouldn't be messing with drugs!

Will:
[stutters nervously] I know, Uncle Phil! Somebody gave them to me at school. I didn't mean for Carlton to take them. I mean, I didn't even know if *I* was gonna take them!

[pause]

Will:
I'm sorry, Uncle Phil...

Philip Banks:
[angrily cuts him off] Sorry?

[he walks up to Will]

Philip Banks:
My son could have died because of you!

Will:
Look, I know Uncle Phil. That's all I've been thinking about! B-but you gotta believe me, Uncle Phil, I didn't mean to hurt him...

Philip Banks:
Yeah, well, you did! You hurt him, and you could have hurt yourself!

Will:
[when realizing that Carlton has taken the drugs from his locker] Hey, Carlton. Carlton! Carlton, listen. Something terrible has happened, man! Come on, I gotta get you to the hospital!

Carlton:
[while dancing erratically on the prom stage] Why? This is the greatest night of my...

[Carlton suddenly passes out on the dance floor]

Carlton's Date:
[screams as Carlton falls on the floor] CARLTON!

Will:
[Will grabs hold of Carlton] YO! Carlton, man...

Jazz:
[after seeing Geoffrey leave with Helen] I dunno 'bout West Philly, but in L.A. you don't give stuff like that away.

William 'Will' Smith:
I dunno 'bout L.A., but in West Philly, you mess with some other brother's girlie, you mess around and get yourself killed!

Jazz:
Well I dunno 'bout West Philly, but in L.A. we're man enough to take that risk!

William 'Will' Smith:
My brother, you wanna take this outside?

Hilary:
[referring to Will blackmailing her to do embarrassing things at dinner] Will, if you have an ounce of compassion, you'll let me off the hook.

Will:
That's a good point.

[pauses to think]

Will:
Nah! We'll do it anyway.

Will:
His highness would like you to clean his sneakers. And you will clean them with your toothbrush. Not up and down, not side to side, but in a circular motion.

Carlton:
Does he want you to clean his room?

Hilary:
God, no.

Carlton:
Will you clean *mine*?

Vivian:
[about Hilary's purpose of going to college] We just want you to be all you can be.

Hilary:
You want me to join the army?

Phillip Banks:
Let's try this again.

Hilary:
What do you know?

Will:
I know that the basic element of physics is matter. And if you were going to write a term paper, you would have to know something, from... I don't know, the first day?

Hilary:
How did you find out?

Will:
I have my methods, and that Toni's roommates have a combined IQ of a raisin.

Phillip Banks:
So Vivian, how were your classes today?

Vivian:
Fine. I just wish my students would concentrate more on their work. They're very easily distracted.

Will:
I see it every day. Don't you, Hilary? [Hilary barks like a dog]

Vivian:
Did you say something, sweetie?

Hilary:
No. [Phillip takes a drink from his glass] Will Smith is perfect!

Will:
Why, thank you. It's so nice to be appreciated.

Phillip Banks:
Yes, but perhaps at another time. Your mother was trying to say something and I'm sure she would appreciate it if she weren't interrupted again.

Hilary:
Anyway, as I was saying... [Phillip takes another drink]

Vivian:
Will Smith is the king of the universe!

Will:
Why, thank you Hilary! [Hilary barks]

Phillip Banks:
Hilary! [Hilary barks again]

Vivian:
Look, I know people get a little silly around midterms. But not at the dinner table. Hilary

Hilary:
Sorry, Mom. [Carlton clinks his fork on his glass]

Hilary:
Will Smith is the scum of the earth!

Vivian:
Hilary! [Hilary barks, then Phillip takes a drink]

Hilary:
However... Will Smith is the pinnacle of manliness. [Carlton clears his throat and Hilary smacks Will upside the head]

Vivian:
Hilary! [Hilary barks, Carlton clears his throat, Hilary smacks Will again]

Ashley Banks:
What's with Hilary?

[on why he wants to learn Tae Kwan-Do]

William 'Will' Smith:
I want to kick ass like Steven Seagal.

Mr. Yoshi:
Oh, you want to be a bad actor?

William 'Will' Smith:
Age don't matter. They could be 17, 21, 33. All in the same grade.

Vivian Banks:
Will, if you get a bad grade, we ground you and make sure you bring your grade back up. For Kayla, if she gets a bad grade, she could lose her scholarship and there's no second chance.

Vivian Banks:
That bad grade could mean the difference between Dr. Kayla Samuels who runs a hospital or just Kayla Samuels who cleans it.

Kayla Samuels:
[to Aunt Viv] You don't get it. I have four older sisters, all of them were mamas before they were eighteen, none of them finished high school. Everyone's waiting for Kayla. I'm the last chance for this family and you have no idea how that feels.

Vivian Banks:
Oh, I know how that feels and I know what it's like to clean hotels in the morning and go to school at night just to get a diploma I never got.

William 'Will' Smith:
Aunt Viv, you dropped out of high school?

Vivian Banks:
It's not something I'm proud of, but I did.

Will:
[is stuck in an elevator with Jazz and Carlton] Great, now I'm stuck with Ren and Stumpy!

Philip Banks:
Oh, no. I don't think so.

Jazz:
Yeah, my first time was with a girl from the projects. Best 50 bucks I ever spent...

William 'Will' Smith:
Come on, Carlton. Just because the baby is cute, doesn't mean it ain't yours.

Vivian Banks:
Carlton, being a teenage parent is very hard and you have already proved yourself irresponsible by getting yourself into this mess. How are you gonna raise him, feed him, educate him?

Carlton Banks:
Wait. You guys aren't gonna take care of us?

Vivian Banks:
Hold me back, Phillip!

William 'Will' Smith:
Stand back, y'all. I got a banana and if either of you take one more step, I'll fill both of ya with potassium.

William 'Will' Smith:
You know that model in all them Hugo Boss ads?

Carlton Banks:
Yeah?

William 'Will' Smith:
You don't look nothing like him.

Carlton Banks:
Here comes Mr. Ducky! Doesn't he quack you up? Wow, if I could make a throw like that, they wouldn't have made me play on the girls' team.

William 'Will' Smith:
You're lucky I ain't gonna do you like Kunta Kinte and cut off your foot.

Vivian Banks:
[to Will] Where have you been?

William 'Will' Smith:
At the fridge.

Philip Banks:
At this hour?

William 'Will' Smith:
It's 8:00.

Vivian Banks:
Listen to us, Philip. We're overreacting.

Philip Banks:
This is Will. There's no such thing as overreacting.

William 'Will' Smith:
Adolf, Eva, why don't you just take it easy?

William 'Will' Smith:
I would like to point out that Uncle Phil's head is about to explode, and for once it ain't my fault.

Ashley Banks:
Carlton, a father? He won't even let Ken and Barbie sleep in the same shoebox.

Vivian Banks:
I am never wearing a bathing suit again as long as I live!

Philip Banks:
Now, honey, I'm sure the pool man didn't really mistake you for me.

Ashley Banks:
Carlton, why are you wearing a suit? Is Daddy bringing home white people?

Carlton Banks:
I'm a virgin.

Groom:
It's nice to know someone still is.

[the girl Carlton was supposed to marry leaves him at the altar]

Carlton:
When she told her parents she was going to marry me, they came and got her right away.

Will:
What if the kid's yours?

Carlton:
He's not.

Will:
Come on, Carlton. Just because the kid's cute, doesn't mean you're not the father.

Will:
Yeah, we done it! Word to Big Bird! We fixed eight Benzitos, 15 Jags and a Mazzerati, but I ain't like the upholstery so we took it back, Jack!

Scott:
[Scott is really the News reporter] And do you have anything to say?

Carlton:
[whiny voice] Dad!

Carlton Banks:
[recording on a tape recorder] Plans for Palm Springs. One, work on golf swing, two, review SAT practice book, three ask Mr. Furth about a summer internship.

William 'Will' Smith:
[pops up from behind Carlton's chair in a Freddy Krueger mask] Four, get the stick out of your butt.

William 'Will' Smith:
Uncle Phil, you shouldn't leave me here alone. Did you ever see the movie House Party?

Philip Banks:
No. Did you see the Terminator?

Carlton Banks:
[to Will] We were detained for a few hours, Dad straightened everything up and we were released. The system works.

William 'Will' Smith:
I hope you like that system. You're going to be seeing a lot of it in your life.

Carlton Banks:
Not if I bring a map.

William 'Will' Smith:
You haven't learned a thing this weekend. No map is going to help you. Neither is your glee club or who your daddy is because when you drive a fancy car in a strange neighborhood, none of that matters. They only see one thing.

Philip Banks:
[to a police officer] I've got a few questions for you. When you got this alleged confession from these two young men, did they have a lawyer present? No, because I'm their lawyer. Did you notify their parents? No, because we're their parents. So, officer, don't tell us to wait and don't tell us to sit down, just open that damn cellar and let those two boys out of there or I'm going to tie this place up with so much litigation that your grandchildren are going to need lawyers!

[last lines]

Carlton Banks:
Dad, if you were a policeman and you saw a car driving two miles an hour, wouldn't you stop it?

Philip Banks:
I asked myself that question the first time I was stopped. Good night, son. [exits room]

Carlton Banks:
[to himself] I would stop it.

Will:
[Trying not to anger a white prisoner who just sang opera]

[while clapping]

Will:
Yo, that was dope Bob!

Will:
Aunt Viv, I got the cake you wanted for the family reunion.

Vivian Banks:
Good!

Will:
And guess what's in here? [holds up a small case wallet]

Carlton:
It's Round, Rubber and You'll never use it?

Will:
Carlton, can we please keep your hand puppet out of this? Look, it's a California's driver's license.

William 'Will' Smith:
For Mother's Day I got my baby shoes bronzed. [Will shows adult sized bronzed shoes]

Ashley Banks:
These are your baby shoes?

William 'Will' Smith:
Well you know what people say about people with big feet?

Ashley Banks:
No, what?

William 'Will' Smith:
[Will looks confused] They say damn that guy has big feet.

Jazz:
Making a baby truly is a blessed event.

Will:
Don't you mean "Having a baby"?

Jazz:
Trust me on this.

Ashley:
If Jazz and Jewel want to bring a child into this world, who are we to judge? We're no perfect.

Hilary:
[snorts] Hello?

[Will wants to take Lady Penelope out for the evening]

Geoffrey:
Master William, I hope you realize the seriousness of the situation.

Will:
G, why are you trippin? She's just a girl.

Geoffrey:
Just a girl? Master William, if all 895 members of the Royal Family suddenly died, she would be the next Queen of England.

Will:
Now, where would that put me?

[Will and Carlton are out on a ledge when the counselor joins them]

Counselor:
Don't panic. I'm with the Crisis Intervention Unit. You're young; You're young. [pulls out an index card and reads it] 'And you have everything to live for.'

William 'Will' Smith:
Just get us down.

Counselor:
There you go putting the cart before the horse. [reads from the card again] Now hand me the baby.

William 'Will' Smith:
What you talking about, we ain't got no baby, man.

Counselor:
Oh. My bad.

William 'Will' Smith:
Get out of the way, fool!

Counselor:
Hey, there's no need for name calling. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a fifty foot fall will kill y'all. [smiles] I made that up myself.

William 'Will' Smith:
That civil service exam is real easy, isn't it?

Will:
[Will and Carlton are being chased by Mad Dog and run out the window on to the balcony screaming. Mad Dog gets stuck in the window] Ha ha ha ha, look, he's stuck! I bet you wish you hadn't have gone off that Slim Fast now, huh?

Mad Dog:
Eventually, you'll have to come back inside!

Will:
Yeeaaahhh! Shut up and get back inside, you're stretching the building!

Sandra:
How about you, Carlton? Some ice cream?

[seductively]

Sandra:
I have the smooth, creamy, chocolate kind...

Carlton:
[oblivious] I'm a tuttie-fruity man, myself.

Carlton Banks:
[to Will about the PSAT] I don't believe it. You couldn't have done better than me. Somewhere there's an Asian Will Smith and he's really ticked.

William 'Will' Smith:
Carlton, it was one measly little percentile point, all right? But, I won't hesitate to throw it in your face if you don't leave me alone.

Carlton Banks:
Well, everyone still knows I have the superior intellect. [sprays kitchen window]

William 'Will' Smith:
Then, why are you using car wax on the window?

Philip Banks:
There I was in the middle of an arbitration between two of my biggest clients, and I get pulled out because Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid here want to pull a fast one.

Philip Banks:
Carlton, you can wear my old Princeton sweater today for good luck.

William 'Will' Smith:
Or he could throw in the air and plug up that big hole in the ozone.

Geoffrey:
[after Uncle Phil makes him an offer for a small raise] Thank you, sir, and with my newfound wealth, I shall be able to treat myself to a Happy Meal!

Carlton:
Will, if I were you, I'd be preparing for the PSATs.

Will:
Carlton, if I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day.

Carlton:
Who said, "It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees"?

Will:
I'm guessin' that one wasn't Madonna.

Carlton Banks:
My life is over. I'll be expelled. They'll send me away. I'll have to get a jheri curl and a tattoo! I'll be subjected to overcrowding, bad food, and daily threats of personal violence.

William 'Will' Smith:
They won't send you to prison for cheating on a test.

Carlton Banks:
I'm not talking about prison. I'm talking about public school!

Philip Banks:
Carlton, am I a good father?

Carlton Banks:
Yes, you're the best! Now can I have early access to my trust fund?

Philip Banks:
Not a chance.

Carlton Banks:
I hate you!

Geoffrey:
[to Phil] You know, sir, whenever I'm feeling blue, I think of the poem my dear mum used to recite to me as a lad: "The master lives a life of ease, while we live life upon our knees/Waste not your tears, and save your breath, for soon he'll die a violent death."

Lou Smith:
The day you were born was the happiest day of my life. When I held you, I thought I would never put you down.

William 'Will' Smith:
So why did you?

William 'Will' Smith:
Hilary, this is my father.

[Hilary starts laughing]

Hilary Banks:
No, Will's father is a deadbeat who left Will and his mom flat!

Philip Banks:
If you'll excuse me, I think I'll skip dinner. I don't have much of an appetite.

Geoffrey:
Should I call 911?

William 'Will' Smith:
Ain't nothing to talk about. I been waiting for this a long time, my whole life, and ain't no one gonna stop me now. Come tomorrow, I'm outta here.

Philip Banks:
Oh, I don't think so.

William 'Will' Smith:
Who cares what you think? [shouts] You are not my father!

Philip Banks:
You know, Will was doing just fine until you showed up. But now that you're back you have responsibilities to him.

Lou Smith:
Look we're still gonna take the trip.

Philip Banks:
Oh bull, *bull*! Will is not a coat that you hang in the closet then pick it up when you're ready to wear it. His life goes on. He's not supposed to be here for you, you're supposed to be here for him.

[Lou has just left after canceling his trip with Will]

Philip Banks:
I'm sorry, Will.

William 'Will' Smith:
[acting like he doesn't care] Y'know, actually, this works out better for me. Y'know, the slimmies of summer come to class wearin' next to nothin', you know what I'm sayin'...

Philip Banks:
Will, it's alright to be angry.

William 'Will' Smith:
Hey, why should I be mad? At least he said "goodbye" this time. I just wish I hadn't wasted my money buying this stupid present.

[pulls a small, African-style statue from his bag and puts it on the table - it's a father sitting with his son in his lap]

Philip Banks:
I'm sorry, if... if there was something I could do...

William 'Will' Smith:
You ain't gotta do nothin', Uncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm gonna be sitting up every night asking my mom "when's daddy coming home", you know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it, too, didn't I, Uncle Phil?

Philip Banks:
Yeah, you did.

William 'Will' Smith:
Got through my first date without him, right? I learned how to drive, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had *fourteen* great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card.

[turns and shouts toward the door]

William 'Will' Smith:
TO HELL WITH HIM!

[pause]

William 'Will' Smith:
I didn't need him then, and I don't need him now.

Philip Banks:
Will... Will...

William 'Will' Smith:
[voice rises to a shout] No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him, I'm gonna get a great job without him, I'm gonna marry me a beautiful honey, and I'm-a have me a whole bunch of kids. I'll be a better father than he *ever* was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause there ain't a *damn* thing he can ever teach me about how to love my kids!

[long pause]

William 'Will' Smith:
How come he don't want me, man?

[breaks down, starts crying]

[Uncle Phil reaches out, grabs Will, and holds him as he cries on his shoulder]

[after discovering Will's father unexpectedly]

Carlton Banks:
So is he a cop?

William 'Will' Smith:
He's my father.

Will:
[addressing the man in a "Dougie the Whale" costume] Now lookie here, you big, orange, Moby *Dick*.

Will:
[Addressing the man in a "Dungy the Whale" costume] Now lookie here, you big, orange, Moby *Dick*.

William 'Will' Smith:
Girl, you look so good, I would plant you and create a WHOLE FIELD of y'all.

Philip Banks:
Well, I suppose we all learned a lesson from this.

William 'Will' Smith:
Yeah, don't work for you.

Carlton Banks:
Well, what do you want me to do? Go up to Luther and say, "Hey, mister. Can I have my baseball back? And please don't snap my neck like a twig."

Carlton Banks:
If it looks like a duck, smells like a duck, and acts like a duck, what is it?

William 'Will' Smith:
Your prom date.

William 'Will' Smith:
Aahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Carlton Banks:
Oh, God. What happened?

William 'Will' Smith:
We've been robbed.

Hilary Banks:
Oh, my God. What did they take?

William 'Will' Smith:
Man, I wish Luther was here, 'cuz if he were I'd... scream like a girl! Uncle Phil! Luther's in the house!

Luther:
Yeah! Diggin' with my bad self!

[Will comes home to find that all the furniture in the living room has been stolen and begins to panic]

Ashley:
What happened here?

Will:
Man, we was robbed!

Hilary:
Oh, my God! What'd they take?

[Carlton, Hilary and Ashley are talking about how rich the family is]

William 'Will' Smith:
[to the audience] If we're so rich, why we can't afford no ceiling?

[camera moves up and shows the TV studio lights]

Phillip Banks:
Carlton, will you relax? My money makes money. We're rich!

Carlton:
That's right, we are rich.

Will:
If we're so rich...

[Camera pans up to reveal the studio lights]

Will:
...why we ain't go no ceiling?

Carlton Banks:
[to Will] There's a curse on me. All the good tuxes have been rented and when I put my shoes down, a Labrador came and took off with them. What else could go wrong?

William 'Will' Smith:
What about that big 'ol zit on your nose?

Carlton Banks:
Aahhh!

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Dee Dee] Would you ever wear white after Labor Day?

Dee Dee:
If it's clean and I can button it, I'll wear anything.

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Kellogg] Hey, Cornflake. Remind me on Monday to talk about they' guys' mamas.

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Tyriq] Bring me a large pepperoni pizza and two large Cokes.

Tyriq:
That covers your date. How about you?

Dee Dee:
Excuse me while I go to the, um... the... um. Oh, hell, I'm going to the bathroom.

William 'Will' Smith:
[surprised at seeing Dee Dee at the dance with another guy] I thought...

Dee Dee:
You thought just cuz I'm not a size 6 that nobody else would want to ask me out.

Ashley Banks:
[Philip grounds Ashley for breaking her curfew] Come on, daddy, ten years? The Menendez brothers will be free before I am.

Philip Banks:
The Menendez brothers got home on time.

Ashley Banks:
Come on, Dad, 10 years? The Menendez brothers will be out before I am.

Philip Banks:
The Menendez brothers got home on time.

Ashley Banks:
Will, this is all your fault!

William 'Will' Smith:
What is that, like the theme of this family?

William 'Will' Smith:
Ding dong, the cricket's dead. Ashley's grounded, now you can all go to bed.

Ashley Banks:
Why are you guys still up? You're making it really hard for me to sneak in.

William 'Will' Smith:
Ashley, you know full well if you wanna sneak past Uncle Phil, you don't go through the kitchen.

Carlton Banks:
I thought Ashley was in bed.

William 'Will' Smith:
Yeah, and you also thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Philip Banks:
This will take care of that cricket.

Geoffrey:
Sir, that's air freshner.

Philip Banks:
Well, it's all we have. It might work.

Geoffrey:
Yes, perhaps the scent of sea breeze will recall some painful memories for him and then he'll commit suicide.

Vivian Banks:
You can't stop little girls from growing up.

Philip Banks:
I can and I will.

Philip Banks:
Where'd you last put the insecticide?

Geoffrey:
In your soup.

Philip Banks:
I got it! I finally killed that sucker!

Geoffrey:
Oh, what a horrible death!

Philip Banks:
That bug isn't going to get the best of me. Now I know how Captain Ahab felt when he was chasing Moby Dick.

Geoffrey:
Between the two of you, the cricket is the whale?

Carlton Banks:
Will, let me tell you a little story about the grasshopper and the ant.

William 'Will' Smith:
Carlton, I really don't feel like hearing about you and your little friends, ok?

Carlton Banks:
[Will is about to leave, but Carlton stops him] Just listen!

[they both sit down on the couch]

Carlton Banks:
See, the grasshopper goofed off, while the ant worked hard storing up food for the winter. When the winter came, the ant had food, but the grasshopper starved to death. You know what the moral of the story is?

William 'Will' Smith:
Yep! Even if we were insects, I'd be bigger than you.

[Will leaves]

William 'Will' Smith:
[Will breaks the fourth wall addressing viewers directly] There's definitely some perks working for NBC.

Hilary:
I've always wondered... since coffee is made from beans, does that make it a vegetable?

Will:
Ding dong the cricket's dead, Ashley's grounded now you all go to bed.

Phillip Banks:
You're grounded for 10 years.

Ashley Banks:
What? But that's not fair.

Phillip Banks:
Tell it to the judge... Oh yeah. That's me.

Ashley Banks:
It's still not fair. The Menendez brothers are going to be free before I am.

Philip Banks:
That's because the Menendez Brothers got home on time.

William 'Will' Smith:
Jazz, you're the person that's suing by uncle? Man, what were you thinking about?

Jazz:
I'm just trying to protect your investment. After you guys put a couple million dollars in this place, it'll be worth thousands!

Hilary:
Will, for your information, the skeleton over there is Elizabeth Hurley and the unicorn beside her is Kevin Bacon. And they both wish you'd stop *hitting* on them.

[notices Will's Superfly Costume]

Hilary:
Why'd you come as Elton John?

William 'Will' Smith:
Hey, Aunt Viv, Uncle... Phil. Whoa, you got that mad look in your eyes. Let me guess: you grabbed Geoffrey's underwear by mistake. Am I right?

Philip Banks:
Will, why didn't you give that check to charity like I told you to do?

William 'Will' Smith:
I did.

Philip Banks:
Don't lie to me!

William 'Will' Smith:
I'm not lying.

Philip Banks:
I just got back from the club and I have never been so humiliated. We had an agreement that that money was going to where it was most needed. Now you march upstairs and get me that check!

William 'Will' Smith:
I can't. The money is gone.

Vivian Banks:
Will, how could you have spent a thousand dollars already?

Ramon:
Wow, Will, you must be loaded. You spent a grand and had another grand to give to me for basketball camp?

Carlton Banks:
I'm ready for Monte Carlo Night. I read this book from cover to cover. Ask me about any odd pairing.

William 'Will' Smith:
Okay, why is Michael Jackson hanging out with that kid from Home Alone?

Carlton Banks:
This is amazing! Did you know that the odds of getting hit by an asteroid are 1 in 6,000?

William 'Will' Smith:
Really? I'm feeling kinda lucky, man. Why don't you go outside?

Philip Banks:
After what Will did last night, they are all going to be gossiping about us. Why put ourselves through that?

Vivian Banks:
They won't be gossiping. Will gave the check back. Besides, people at our club aren't like that. I mean, no one cared about Mrs. Silverberg's divorce.

Philip Banks:
I heard she's been seeing the golf pro.

Vivian Banks:
I heard her husband caught them in the utility closet.

Hilary Banks:
Did you know both of them were wearing nothing but cleats?

Ashley Banks:
It was the tennis pro in the steam room, but the cleats part is right.

William 'Will' Smith:
[about the book Carlton's reading] How to Beat the Odds? Sorry, C. No way to beat it, you're odd.

Vivian Banks:
[Will has snuck past Geoffrey and his aunt and uncle and is dancing on the stairs behind them] Good night, Will!

Phillip Banks:
You're grounded!

Carlton Banks:
I'm worried about my parents. I've been listening outside their bedroom.

William 'Will' Smith:
Carlton, he's not hurting her.

[after Vivian asks Will to be her partner at Soul Train]

Will:
I'd like to Aunt Viv, really. But it's hard to get my groove on with an old woman.

[Vivian glares]

Will:
Oh, you don't know "kid talk". You know, "bad" is good, "stupid" is wonderful, and "old" is uh... beautiful. You *so* old Aunt Viv. You're the *oldest* woman I've even seen.

[Geoffrey is teaching Hilary how to make toast]

Hilary:
OK, so let me get this straight, once the bread is in the slots, you just push down on the lever thing?

Geoffrey:
Yes.

Ashley:
Hilary, can...

Hilary:
Not now, Ashley, I'm learning how to cook.

William 'Will' Smith:
Does this look like a place to have fun? I don't think so! Ain't nobody gonna have some fun around here! Not you, not me, not her...!

Samatha:
And definitely not me! Goodbye, Will!

William 'Will' Smith:
Hey, hey! Come back! Oohhh, what is her name?

William 'Will' Smith:
Some guy's gonna try to be all over you like cheese on a Big Mac.

Ashley:
Will! Maybe I like cheese!

William 'Will' Smith:
How do you know you like something if you've never had it? Please tell me you ain't had no cheese, Ashley.

Ashley:
No, but if I want to have sex, I don't need your approval!

William 'Will' Smith:
It-it's cheese, Ashley.

Carlton:
Will, it's only 7 am. What are you doing up?

Will:
Oh man, I've been up for hours. I did about 20 laps in the pool, I shot some hoops, ran around the track six times, oh and I waxed your car for you, man.

Carlton:
No nookie last night, huh?

Old Man Golfer:
[while playing miniature golf, an old man is waiting for Will and his girlfriend to tee off] Hey Carl Lewis, put a move on it.

Will:
Hey, take it easy, Pops! You'll be in a hole soon enough.

Bryan:
Man, the word was out on your old man, but I didn't know your whole family was crazy.

Ashley Banks:
Bryan, I am so sorry.

Bryan:
Ashley, if you ever decide to run away from home, give me a call.

Ashley Banks:
But Bryan...

Will:
Hey, hey. Let him go, baby. Let him go. And good riddance, you little Filthy McNasty!

Geoffrey:
Ahh, my financial advisors have arrived. Moron! Fat head!

Carlton Banks:
I didn't know the Dodgers were playing.

Geoffrey:
They're not.

Philip Banks:
This is a delicious meal, Geoffrey. You've outdone yourself.

Geoffrey:
You're too kind, sir. Moron! Fat head!

Vivian Banks:
Geoffrey, must you listen to the Dodgers game during dinner?

Geoffrey:
I'm terribly sorry, madam, but it's the bottom of the 9th, bases are loaded. However, I shall maintain my professionalism. Bunt, you pasty-faced sod!

Vivian Banks:
Geoffrey, start buffing the silverware.

Geoffrey:
What the hell is your problem? You got bricks up your butt, you clown? Right away, madam.

Geoffrey:
It's called inside information and it's quite illegal.

Carlton Banks:
So is that French nanny you're dating.

Vivian Banks:
Carlton Banks, you put your clothes on this minute!

Carlton Banks:
Mommy!

Philip Banks:
I wanna know what excuse you two have for pulling such a stupid stunt.

Carlton Banks:
We needed the money.

Philip Banks:
For what? And I want the truth.

William 'Will' Smith:
All right, it's like this, Uncle Phil. See, Carlton got this inside tip on a stock.

Philip Banks:
Federal offense. Go on.

William 'Will' Smith:
Then we pawned Aunt Viv's bracelet to get the money for the stock.

Philip Banks:
Grand larceny. Impressive.

William 'Will' Smith:
Then, we lost the money, so we had to strip to get the bracelet back.

Philip Banks:
That would be indecent exposure. Is there more?

Carlton Banks:
I'm afraid so, Dad. We never got the clasp fixed on Mom's bracelet.

Philip Banks:
You never got... I don't know what to say! What can I do? What do you boys think I should do?

William 'Will' Smith:
I don't know, reward us for our honesty? Hey, it worked for the Beav.

Philip Banks:
DO I LOOK LIKE A WHITE GUY NAMED WARD?

Carlton Banks:
Granted, we are desperate for money, but maybe you should stop and think about the kind of life you'd be leading.

William 'Will' Smith:
Yeah, you're right... dancing around in some cheap club, while women put dollars down my underpants... I LOVE this country!

Philip Banks:
Geoffrey, go fetch my tools.

Geoffrey:
You mean your knife and fork?

Prof. Scott Burton:
[as Hilary walks by] Who is that?

William 'Will' Smith:
Hilary? Oh, that's my cousin.

Prof. Scott Burton:
Is she involved with anyone?

William 'Will' Smith:
Mostly just herself.

Hilary Banks:
[to Will] I need to switch cars. Carlton said you had the keys.

William 'Will' Smith:
Oh, yeah, here. [hands Hilary the keys] What's wrong with your car?

Hilary Banks:
I'm going shoe shopping. I need a wagon.

Will:
I'm telling you, if you leave Scott now, it could haunt you for the rest of your life.

Hilary:
What do you mean?

Will:
Well, you may never date again. You might become an old lady walking around with a shower cap, and a raggety halter-top that says 'Ja-am,' and rhinestone Gouchos. And you would be eating neckbone sandwiches and shouting at your imaginary dog, Brutus. And you know what the worse part of it is?

Hilary:
What?

Will:
The only man you will ever get is some fool named Grady who falls asleep in his soup.

Hilary:
Ewww, I hate soup.

Viola:
[to Carlton] Oh, my goodness, aren't you handsome and looking less and less like your daddy every day.

Carlton Banks:
Ouch. Run for cover, Dad.

William 'Will' Smith:
Where is he gonna hide at?

Vivian Banks:
You hurt my feelings the other day, saying I spoil my kids.

Viola:
I said meaner things to you when we were growing up, and you just took it. Seems living in California has made you real sensitive.

Vivian Banks:
Do you know what my sister just said? You are not gonna believe this. She said our kids are spoiled.

Philip Banks:
[sarcastically] Oh, news flash.

Vivian Banks:
You mean you agree with her?

Philip Banks:
Vivian, I'm the one who says they should be doing more work around the house. You're the one who is too easy on them.

Vivian Banks:
Oh, really? Does this sound familiar? [imitates Hilary] Daddy, I need $300 dollars.

Vivian Banks:
You know, Vi, I wish you could've told me before you let the gardener take the day off.

Viola:
Well, girl, it's the day before Thanksgiving.

Vivian Banks:
Well, it's a nice idea, but it's the same thing with telling Geoffrey not to clear the table. I just thought they would feel uncomfortable for taking orders from someone they don't know.

Viola:
Uh-huh, and they rather take orders from a seventeen-year-old boy?

Vivian Banks:
What do you mean?

Viola:
Well, honey, I don't mean to be critical, but I don't like what I saw today. Will's got a bunch of grown men running around doing all the work he should be doing. I haven't seen him lift a finger except to scratch his head.

Vivian Banks:
You're not being fair, Vi. Will works very hard at his homework.

Viola:
Back home, Will did his homework, mowed the lawn, raked the leaves, and cleared the table. I don't think a little work around the house is gonna interfere with his education. From what I see, all he's learning is how to be a rich kid.

Vivian Banks:
Philip and I just want Will to have the same advantages that our kids have. I mean, isn't that why you sent him out here?

Viola:
I sent him out here to stay out of trouble and get a good education, but, Vivian, I also taught that boy the value of hard work and I don't want him to lose that. All I know is the kids in this house are getting a free ride, a free ride in a fancy car, but I don't mean to be critical.

Philip Banks:
For extra money, I had to work for the Princeton Daily. My first assignment was to interview the town's most famous stripper, Boom-Boom LaSalle.

William 'Will' Smith:
I wonder why they called her that.

Philip Banks:
For some reason, she took a liking to me. So, she invited me to come with her and her sister to her dressing room for drinks.

William 'Will' Smith:
You the man, Uncle Phil.

Philip Banks:
Anyway, one thing led to another and before you know it, this old country boy... finished his Yoo-Hoo and went right home.

Ashley Banks:
What if no one likes me?

William 'Will' Smith:
Just do what Carlton does: give them money.

Carlton Banks:
Wow! She's cool, she's hot, she's...

William 'Will' Smith:
Your baby sister, man!

Carlton Banks:
Ahhhhhhhhh!

William 'Will' Smith:
Girl, I know your feet must be tired, 'cause you been walking through my mind all day. Come 'ere!

Kenny:
Baby, I'm telling you, you got more moves than a bowl of Jello and there's always room for Jello.

Ashley Banks:
Wow!

William 'Will' Smith:
Dude sounds like a jackass.

Ashley Banks:
So, when are we going out?

Kenny:
Oh, I don't know, baby. You have to let me check my book and I'll get back to you. You see, I wanna make sure I can give you my undivided attention.

Carlton Banks:
Actually, Will. He's better than you.

Kenny:
I mean, look at you, you got it going on. You got sweet hips, lips, and fingertips, but baby got back! Bye, baby. Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute!

Carlton Banks:
Look, I know my sister needs me, but that girl is babe-a-licious!

Carlton:
[Carlton's Guardian Angel is showing him life in the Banks' household without him] What happened? And where's Mom?

Carlton's Guardian Angel:
Without you, the family was defenseless against Will. They focused more on happiness than success. Your mom ran away with the milkman, your dad quit his practice to take up painting, Ashley does nothing but dance all day long, and Hilary just does her hair. Well, maybe not *everything* changed.

Carlton:
But they're not making any money. So what if they're happy? How are they going to pay for this house? Our cars? Our club memberships?

Carlton's Guardian Angel:
They're not. They're going to lose it all. Happiness has ruined them.

Carlton:
I've got to save them! I've got to teach them about greed, social climbing, and how to claim your dog as a dependant!

Carlton:
Oh my God, it's Tom Jones! What are you doing here?

Carlton's Guardian Angel:
Well, I'm your Guardian Angel.

Carlton:
No offense, Tom, but I always thought my Guardian Angel would be black.

Carlton's Guardian Angel:
Well, I knew Otis Redding.

Carlton Banks:
This is so unfair. What about our date?

William 'Will' Smith:
I don't know. I was up all night trying to learn French for, "Forget my cousin, you can both have me."

Vivian Banks:
Has anyone seen my old brown bag?

Aunt Helen:
Excuse me, you used to call me "Diva."

Aunt Helen:
Vivian, last night I followed Lester. He drove up to this cute little house with this cute little picket fence and this cute little homewrecker opened the door.

Vivian Banks:
I would've been reaching for my cute little crowbar.

Aunt Helen:
I couldn't find it.

Aunt Helen:
I'm always doing things on the spur of the moment: buy a new hat, paint the house, get a divorce.

Philip Banks:
Not again.

Lester:
Anita is my psychiatrist, Will.

William 'Will' Smith:
Oh, yeah, right, and I just won a Grammy. Come on, man to man, toe to toe. Come on! [paces back and forth, ready to fight Lester]

Lester:
Will! Will, I understand your anger and if you want to take out your passive-aggressive feelings towards your absent father on me, go ahead.

William 'Will' Smith:
[stops pacing and looks around confused] Man, you really must be seeing a shrink.

William 'Will' Smith:
[to himself] Gee, Will, where were you when you were supposed to be with two lushish French girls? I was trapped in the bathroom with my naked aunt.

Lester:
[to Helen] If you refuse to leave with me, you know what I'm gonna have to do?

William 'Will' Smith:
Drag her home by her extensions?

Aunt Helen:
Lester, Don't make me get Ethnic on you!

Philip Banks:
Get up. Hurry, everybody, get up!

William 'Will' Smith:
Yo, what's the matter, Uncle Phi...

William 'Will' Smith:
AAHHHHHHHHH!

Philip Banks:
Calm down, Will! Calm down! It's Aunt Vivian, she's having the baby!

William 'Will' Smith:
That ain't what's scaring me. YOU AIN'T GOT NO DRAWERS ON!

Vivian Banks:
Phillip, put on your damn pants and let's go!

William 'Will' Smith:
I mean, getting woke up in the middle of the night by a naked man running around the house.

Geoffrey:
I'm sorry, I thought you were all asleep.

William 'Will' Smith:
Not you, G.

Geoffrey:
Oh, never mind.

Ashley Banks:
Poor Mom.

William 'Will' Smith:
Poor Mom? Poor me! I saw Uncle Phil naked! And he was running!

Janice:
What happened to Hilary?

Viola 'Vy' Smith:
Hilary Violet Banks! GET YOUR BUTT IN HERE!

Nurse:
My hand!

Carlton Banks:
I'm pretty sure Mom's been here.

Hilary Banks:
I can't go the hospital like this. There are doctors there.

Viola 'Vy' Smith:
Hilary, are you that superficial?

Hilary Banks:
Well, I'm still young. I can get a husband.

Viola 'Vy' Smith:
Not without any teeth, you won't!

Vivian Banks:
Ashley, you can't drive!

Ashley Banks:
Oh, grow up. I've been taking the car since I was 12.

William 'Will' Smith:
If you don't let me use your phone, I'll start singing Paula Abdul's greatest hits.

William 'Will' Smith:
You the man, you the man! You the Big Man who broke the elevator.

William 'Will' Smith:
Phillip!

Philip Banks:
Vivian!

Vivian Banks:
Philllippp!

Philip Banks:
Vivian!

William 'Will' Smith:
WILMA!

Philip Banks:
[to Will] No sex before marriage.

William 'Will' Smith:
Come on, Uncle Phil. It's the 90's.

Philip Banks:
Take a cold shower.

William 'Will' Smith:
I've been doing that since the 80's. It don't work no more.

William 'Will' Smith:
Hey, Uncle Phil, can I talk to you for a second?

Philip Banks:
Do you have to?

William 'Will' Smith:
Come on, Uncle Phil, this is serious, man. I need to talk to you about, uh... cars.

Philip Banks:
Cars? [realizing what Will means] Oh, cars! Well, I guess it's about time that you and I started talking about... uh, cars. Oh, no! This car isn't in trouble, is it?

William 'Will' Smith:
Oh, no, no, no, no. Never been off the lot as far as I can tell.

Philip Banks:
Look, Will, driving is serious business. Now, these days you got to think about safety. You never want to go for a ride in your care without your seatbelt and uh, use your breaks, don't floor it. Because then you throw a rod, you flood your carburetor, you crack your block. Do you understand what I am saying?

William 'Will' Smith:
No, man.

William 'Will' Smith:
[looking in a mirror] Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Jean Claude Van Damn, I'm fine!

Geoffrey:
[hands flowers to Aunt Viv] Here you are, Madam. I am guessing they're not from me. I haven't put out in years.

Phillip Banks:
No sex before marriage, Will.

Will:
Come on, Uncle Phil. This is the 90's.

Phillip Banks:
Try a cold shower.

Will:
I've been doing that since the 80's. It don't work no more.

Hilary:
Any professor would love this whether they were wearing a dress or g-string.

Will:
Of course with that last one attendance would shoot up, among other things.

Will:
1950. Remember Chuck Berry? Remember hula hoops? Me neither.

Will:
[about the dance class] It was like Heaven, except the angels were doing splits.

Philip Banks:
[sees Vivian's outfit] You're going to vacuum in that?

Vivian Banks:
No, Philip, I'm going to dance.

Hilary:
They got mad at me because I made them turn the escalator back on.

Will:
[on Vivian's baby picture] Eat your heart out, Latoya.

Phillip Banks:
Jeffery, people Frederick's age don't play with toys.

Will:
Ooh Transformers! I been looking for Razorbeak since like, October!

Carlton Banks:
[to Will] Why don't you act like an adult?

William 'Will' Smith:
Why don't you look like one?

Carlton Banks:
[to Will] Why don't you go live with Paula while you're sick?

William 'Will' Smith:
She already asked her parents. They said no.

Ashley Banks:
Will, just a week ago, she was Carlton's girlfriend. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

William 'Will' Smith:
Yes, Ashley. It means she's having a better week.

Philip Banks:
[to Will] I had a case very similar to what you are telling me just a while ago. This guy started going out with his best friend's girl hours before they broke up.

William 'Will' Smith:
He waited that long?

Philip Banks:
This other guy didn't think it was that long. He was very jealous and he shot his friend.

William 'Will' Smith:
Dead?

Philip Banks:
No, let's say he is two olives short of a martini.

William 'Will' Smith:
OHHHH!

William 'Will' Smith:
[sneezes]

Carlton Banks:
Okay, Will, I'm onto you.

William 'Will' Smith:
Look, Carlton, man. I have no idea what you are talking about.

Carlton Banks:
I'm not stupid, Will. It's all coming together. The runny nose, the watery eyes. You just couldn't keep your hands to yourself.

William 'Will' Smith:
Look, look, Carlton. Now, I know you are sick, probably a little delirious now. You probably had one too many of those children's aspirin or something.

Carlton Banks:
That piece was mine.

William 'Will' Smith:
You ain't get to get all nasty.

Carlton Banks:
You shouldn't have done it, Will.

William 'Will' Smith:
I know, I know, Carlton. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken Paula out. You're right, man. She was coming onto me. I just couldn't resist, man.

Carlton Banks:
Paula? I was talking about that last piece of cheesecake.

William 'Will' Smith:
[looks around and starts stammering] Uh, so was I. See, you ain't hip to it. See in Philly, we name our food, right? Like cheesecake is Paula and uh, a Snack Pack is Boomsheeka. [looks toward the camera and speaks into it] I can't see him, you can. Is he buying it?

Carlton Banks:
[folds his arms and sneers at Will]

Philip Banks:
[looks at an envelope] Oh, my gosh!

Vivian Banks:
What is it? A boy or a girl?

Philip Banks:
This isn't a sonogram. It's a bill for $25,000 dollars. This baby's costing me a fortune.

William 'Will' Smith:
Congratulations, you're having a Hilary.

Philip Banks:
[he and Vivian walk in with a sonogram] Vivian, why are you making such a big deal about this? I say we do it right here, right now.

Geoffrey:
Oh, good. A floor show.

[on Vivian's sonogram]

Ashley:
How can you tell if it's a boy or a girl?

Hilary:
Oh, Ashley, you are so naive. If it's a boy, it's blue. Come on, I think it's time for another one of our woman-to-woman talks.

Ashley:
[sigh] OK, what do you want to know this time?

[Hilary glares]

Carlton:
Why don't you act like an adult?

Will:
Why don't you *look* like one?

William 'Will' Smith:
Last night I had a dream that I went to the prom with Harriet Tubman.

Vivian Banks:
[sings] Follow the drinking gourd, follow the drinking gourd for the old man's waiting to carry me to freedom. [stops singing] Now, who can tell me what that song means?

William 'Will' Smith:
I can, this is something I definitely know about. Spirituals were sung so that the slaves could keep their spirits up and their minds on God during times of hard oppression.

Vivian Banks:
That was very well put, Mr. Smith, but you're wrong.

William 'Will' Smith:
Beg pardon?

Vivian Banks:
Who can tell me what the Underground Railroad was?

William 'Will' Smith:
This I can... the Underground Railroad was a group of people that helped the slaves escape to freedom.

Vivian Banks:
And when was it established?

William 'Will' Smith:
During slavery.

Vivian Banks:
That covers about 260 years, Mr. Smith. Would you care to narrow it down?

William 'Will' Smith:
Not really.

Vivian Banks:
The Underground Railroad was established in the year 1830. Now these spirituals were codes telling the runaway slaves how to get to freedom. In "Follow the Drinking Gourd", they mean the Big Dipper, so at night when the slaves escaped, they would know to follow the Big Dipper. There they would meet with the Abolitionists and escape to freedom.

William 'Will' Smith:
Well, that's what I meant.

William 'Will' Smith:
I read the autobiography of Malcolm X.

Vivian Banks:
And that makes you a serious Black History student?

William 'Will' Smith:
It's a very important book.

Vivian Banks:
Will, you can read the books, you can wear the t-shirts, you can put up the posters and you can shout out the slogans. But unless you know all the facts, you are just trivializing the entire struggle.

Vivian:
Will, why did you want to take a class in black history?

Will:
Because I'm interested in it.

Vivian:
Are you really?

Will:
Hey, I read the autobiography of Malcolm X like three times.

Vivian:
And that makes you interested?

Will:
That's a very important book.

Vivian:
Will, you can read the book, you can wear the shirt, you can even shout out the slogans, but unless you know ALL the history behind it, you're trivializing the entire struggle. Now you started something very good. Now it's up to you to finish it.

Geoffrey Butler:
I've worked my entire life

Hilary Banks:
You have why?

William 'Will' Smith:
I'm gonna be the star of this class

Carlton Banks:
No you're not I am

William 'Will' Smith:
You tripping, how you figure that?

Carlton Banks:
Because the teacher's my mummy

Vivian Banks:
[ After Will proposes a Black History class] That's not a bad idea

Will:
It's not?

Philip Banks:
It's not?

Carlton Banks:
[ offscreen] It's not?

Vivian Banks:
I'll go with you

William 'Will' Smith:
You will?

Philip Banks:
You will?

Carlton Banks:
You will?

Will:
I'm a joker. I play around. I have fun.

Phillip Banks:
Mm-hmm. Being a joker's what's gotten you into trouble. You may think it's cool to be on the streets when you're 17, but when you're my age, it's a waste.

Will:
I-I can't think that far ahead.

Phillip Banks:
That's your problem. You can't take anything seriously.

Will:
Hey look, man, I don't have the problem, all right. YOU have the problem. I remind you of who you are and what you used to be. Now I don't know, somewhere between Princeton and the office, you got soft. You forgot who you are and where you came from.

Phillip Banks:
You think you're so wise. [Will looks away from Phillip] Look at me when I'm talking to you. Let me tell you something, son. I grew up on the streets just like you. I encountered bigotry you could not imagine. Now you have a nice poster of Malcolm X on your wall. I heard the brother speak. I read every word he wrote. Believe me, I KNOW where I come from!

Will:
You actually heard Malcolm speak?

Phillip Banks:
That's right. So before you criticize someone, you find out what he's all about.

Vivian:
Sweety, would you say grace, please?

Ashley:
Yes, Mommy. [begins rapping the blessing] Hey there, Lord, my name is Ashley Banks / My family and friends want to give you some thanks / So before this dinner's all swallowed and chewed, / Thank you, God, for this stupid food.

Will:
[when Will first arrives at the Banks' house] Hey, Uncle Phil! [hugs Geoffrey]

Geoffrey:
I am not your Uncle Philip.

Geoffrey:
[referring on what to call Will] What would you prefer?

Will:
Check this. His Royal Freshness. That's dope!

Will:
[about the house] Yo, this is better than Love Boat! This boy gonna be maxing and relaxing.

Vivian Banks:
Will, we promised your mother you were here to work hard, straighten out, and learn some good old fashion American values.

Hilary Banks:
[walks in] Daddy, I need $300. Hilary, your cousin Will is here.

Vivian Banks:
Hilary, your cousin Will is here.

Hilary Banks:
[to Will] Hi, Will.

[turns to Uncle Phil]

Hilary Banks:
Daddy, I need $300.

Phillip Banks:
That's a lot of money,

Hilary Banks:
I need a new hat.

Phillip Banks:
For what?

Will:
Probably her head.

Hilary Banks:
Ok, I'm going on this Save The Ozone Layer Celebrity Bus next Saturday. We're going to take the bus all over town to protest air pollution, and then we're going to motor to the beach and have a big bonfire.

[Will raises his hand to try and talk]

Hilary Banks:
What?

Will:
I'm not an expert or anything but don't you think that driving a big old bus around town and then having a bonfire sort of adding to the problem pollution?

Vivian Banks:
Did you enjoy the trip?

Will:
Oh, yo, the plane ride was stupid! I was looking for first class...

Phillip Banks:
Excuse me?

Will:
No, I was sayin' the plane was dope! So, I was looking for...

Phillip Banks:
Excuse me?

Will:
No. Stupid, dope. Oh. No, that doesn't mean what you... um, how would he say it? Oh, the flight was really neat, yeah.

Ashley Banks:
I'm really glad that you're living here, Will.

Will:
Oh, thanks, Ash.

Ashley Banks:
You're like the big brother I never had.

Will:
Oh, wait, what are you talking about? You got Carl... you're right. I see your point.

Carlton Banks:
Wait 'till we come downstairs in these tuxes. People may not think we're twins, but I'll bet they'll think we're brothers.

Will:
You know, I don't think you'll have to worry about anybody mistaking you for a brother.

Phillip Banks:
I want to talk to you.

Will:
What about?

Phillip Banks:
You know, from the minute you walked through that door, you've been a one-man wrecking crew, trying to tear down what's taken a lot of hard work to build up, skewering everything with your flippant shenanigans!

Will:
I was with you up until "skewering."

Will:
I'm a joker. I play around. I have fun.

Phillip Banks:
Um-hum. Being a joker is what's gotten you into trouble. Well, you may think it's cool to be on the streets when you're seventeen, but when you're my age, it's a waste.

Will:
Man, I can't think that far ahead.

Phillip Banks:
[to Will] You deliberately tried to embarrass me tonight and I don't get it. Your aunt and I went through a lot of trouble to bring you out here and this is the thanks we get?

Will:
I ain't asked to come out here. Everyone's talking about shippin' me off, dressin' me up, and changing me into something that I don't want to be.

Phillip Banks:
Nobody wants to change you.

Will:
You told me yourself I gotta straighten out, and when in doubt, act as Carlton. I don't want to be like Carlton.

Will:
I remind you of where you came from and what you used to be. Now I don't know somewhere between Princeton and the office, you got soft. You forgot who you are and where you came from.

Phillip Banks:
You think you're so wise. [Will looks away from Uncle Phil] Look at me when I'm talking to you. Let me tell you something, son. I grew up on the streets just like you. I encountered bigotry you could not imagine. Now you have a nice poster of Malcolm X on your wall. I heard the brother speak, I read every word he wrote. Believe me, I know where I come from.

Will:
You actually heard Malcolm speak?

Phillip Banks:
That's right. So before you criticize somebody, you find out what he's all about.

Phillip Banks:
[when Uncle Phil introduces Will to a group of lawyers] Will, this is Firth, Wynn, and Meyer.

Will:
Yo, Earth, Wind, and Fire. When's your next record coming out?

Phillip Banks:
You certainly have grown, Will.

Will:
[petting Philip's belly] We all have!

[after landing in a tree, Will realises he's still alive]

William 'Will' Smith:
I'm alive! Hahahaha, I'm alive!

Augustus Adams:
What? How'd the hell you get here boy, your parachute wasn't supposed to open!

Carlton Banks:
Oh Will, have you no shame?

William 'Will' Smith:
Of course, I'm ashamed of you.

Jameson:
[Jameson is superstisious and thinks Will is a good luck charm. His horoscope says to stay away from leos] My lucky numbers have always been 3 and 7. Will, when is your birthday?

Will:
July 3rd.

Jameson:
What year?

Will:
1973.

Jameson:
So you were born on 7-3-73? My lucky numbers!

Phillip Banks:
Jameson, its just a coincidence.

Jameson:
Coincidence? I don't think so.

Carlton:
I was born August 4th, 1974.

Jameson:
[Jumps back] A leo?

Phillip Banks:
[after revealing Jameson performed taxidermy and takes advice from his dog] [ to Will] You are a 17 year old kid and in no position to be giving financial advice

Vivian Banks:
That's Sparky's job

[to Will; after revealing Jameson performed taxidermy and takes advice from his dog]

Phillip Banks:
You are a 17 year old kid and in no position to be giving financial advice.

Vivian Banks:
Exactly. That's Sparky's job.

Dr. Hoover:
I recommend that your daughter be institutionalized and heavily sedated.

Philip Banks:
Oh yeah? Well as a lawyer I can tell you that your daughter fits the criminal profile to a T, right down to the low slopeing forehead, and the wide jaws suitable for small rodents.

Dr. Hoover:
I think you must got her confused with your momma!

William 'Will' Smith:
[Philip punches Dr. Hoover who falls into the arms of Will] That's it Uncle Phil, you're grounded! [to Mr. Hoover] You know, I'd be very happy to prescribe something for that.

[fighting the school bully]

Ashley:
Back up! Back up!

[to the crowd of onlookers]

Ashley:
Mind your business, that's all! Just mind your business!

[Will is teaching Ashley how to fight]

Carlton:
What the heck is going on here?

Will:
Hey, sorry, man, homegirl said she was a Vanilla Ice fan, I kinda lost my head.

Carlton:
You expect me to believe that? Everybody likes Vanilla Ice.

[talking about the school bully]

Ashley:
I knew she wouldn't show. I don't blame her.

[bully shows up behind her]

Ashley:
I'd whip her booty! I'd wax her tail! I'd kick her hiney!

Carlton:
Remember, "we must never negotiate out of fear and we must never fear to negotiate" - John F. Kennedy.

Will:
But, never forget, "mama said knock you out" - LL Cool J.

Phillip Banks:
[Phillip and Dr. Hoover are in a fight] Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook?

Dr. Hoover:
Penn State, my brother.

Phillip Banks:
Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Warton, and Taladega Tech had fallen through!

Dr. Hoover:
Impressive, you must of been quite an athlete in your thinner days.

Phillip Banks:
Hey, hey, lets stick to the topic okay?

Dr. Hoover:
Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter should be heavly sudaited and immediatley institusionalized.

Phillip Banks:
Well speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter fits the criminal profile to a T, right down to the sloping forehead, and the wide jaws suitable for brains and small rodents!

Dr. Hoover:
I think you have her confused with your moma!

Will:
[Phillip punches Dr. Hoover and knocks him down] Thats it Uncle Phil, your grounded!

[to Dr. Hoover]

Will:
You know, I'd be happy to perscribe something for that.

Word:
Yeah, you remember Omar Phelps?

Carlton:
Who's Omar Phelps?

Will:
That's the dude who would be spinning me over his head in the opening credits.

[Will just cancelled his "Shaft" wedding with Lisa]

Will:
Look, Lisa, I want to marry you, but definitely not like this.

Lisa:
Right on.

Will:
Oh, by the way, dude, your Isaac Hayes impression stinks.

Isaac Hayes:
Oh, I don't know. I thought it was pretty good.

Geoffrey:
[comes in and tosses a blanket around Hattie's neck as she sits in the family room]

Hattie Banks:
Excuse me? Does it look like I've just won the Kentucky Derby?

Geoffrey:
I'm sorry, madame, but Master Banks has requested that you stay warm this evening.

Hattie Banks:
[grumbling] Then why don't you just light me on fire?

William 'Will' Smith:
Okay, Ashley, first we'll take Grandma to see the llamas and then we'll go on the roller coaster and the Ferris wheel.

Ashley Banks:
Will, for the last time we are not breaking into Michael Jackson's house!

Hattie Banks:
Your uncle gave me one of these books to find all the words in them. Well, I found them all. Now what do I do with them?

Philip Banks:
Will, you're grounded!

William 'Will' Smith:
Aw, just for playing music loud? Shouldn't that just be like no dessert?

Hattie Banks:
I can't believe them charging ten dollars for these t-shirts.

William 'Will' Smith:
I'll still never figure out how you managed to talk him down to $1.25 and a picture of Grandpa.

Hattie Banks:
[to Uncle Phil] Now, don't go giving me that look, Zeke. That's the same look you gave me at the county fair when I wouldn't let you climb up the greasy pole. Now, you're not all that mad at me, are you?

Philip Banks:
Well, Mama, yes I am! I try to set some rules for Will and you undermine my authority. I know how to handle things. I am an adult.

Hattie Banks:
I am too, Zeke.

Philip Banks:
I know that.

Hattie Banks:
Do you? How many adults do you tell to take a nap?

Philip Banks:
Mama, I was just worried about you.

Hattie Banks:
But I'm fine, baby.

Philip Banks:
I know. When you had the flu and I talked to you on the phone, you sounded so small. I just want you to live a long time.

Hattie Banks:
Then, Zeke, let me live.

William 'Will' Smith:
Y'all should've seen Granny, first she climbs out the second story window, then she runs over to Jazz's car, and she pushed it when it stalled on a hill.

Vivian Banks:
[sarcastically] You're right, Philip, I don't think Hattie's up to seeing those azaleas tomorrow.

William 'Will' Smith:
Hey Granny, since we're both kinda grounded, you wanna go to our rooms and slam some doors and throw some things?

William 'Will' Smith:
Sneak out? As in break the rules, Granny, YOU?

Hattie Banks:
Child, you're looking at a woman who has sneaked out to more barn dances, hayrides, and midnight skinny dips, than a chicken has pecks!

William 'Will' Smith:
[to a guy following Hattie] Dude, for the last time, she is NOT Queen Latifah.

Hattie Banks:
Hilary, tomorrow we are going for a spa treatment.

Hilary Banks:
It'll be great, Grandma, you haven't lived until you've had a mud mask.

Hattie Banks:
What people don't pay for in Beverly Hills. Then Ashely, you and I are going to make some macaroni rain hats.

Carlton Banks:
Gee, Grandma, you'll need to rest after that.

Hattie Banks:
Then that's where you come in Carlton. You can tell me all about your schoolwork then.

[Hilary is a volunteer at a homeless shelter for Thanksgiving, and everyone just finished eating]

Hilary:
I can wash the dishes... My butler can be here in fifteen minutes.

William 'Will' Smith:
Carlton, this is a photography assignment, not a Prince video.

William 'Will' Smith:
[at school, Will and Cornflake cuff themselves inside a class room] There is no point in trying to reason with the man when the man isn't reasoning with you!

Kellogg 'Cornflake' Lieberbaum:
Yes! Power to the people! Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud!

William 'Will' Smith:
All right, my man Cornflake got the spirit. He's a little confused, but he's got the spirit.

Agent Marcus Collins:
[to Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv] We understand you've been in contact with Margaret Smallwood.

Philip Banks:
Oh? And how is it you that?

Agent Marcus Collins:
We tap every black person's phone in the United States of America.

Agent Marcus Collins:
[Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv stare] Just a little FBI humor.

Philip Banks:
[to Marge] Remember Woodstock?

Marge Smallwood:
Yes.

Philip Banks:
20 of us tried to squeeze into that tent. Vivian and I jumped into that lake naked.

Vivian Banks:
I wasn't at Woodstock.

Ashley:
[referring to Marge] Ever since she got here my diary has gotten a lot more interesting.

Carlton:
She is right, Ashley's diary has gotten a lot more interesting.

Will:
I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I know he was your boy and all. It's kinda like how I felt when I found out that Kermit the Frog was nothing but a piece of green felt with someone's hand up his butt.

Will:
Your fraternity was called Pi Nu?

Phillip Banks:
Yes...

Will:
[trying not to laugh] So... that made you, like... a Pie Man?

Phillip Banks:
Yes...

Will:
So, I guess you hung out with the girls from Beta Crocker?

Hilary Banks:
I just know that someday Thelma and Louise will make it to the other end of the canyon. [Ashley and Vivian nod in agreement]

William 'Will' Smith:
I don't want to see no damn Hoover dam.

Carlton Banks:
I bet five on black and five on red.

William 'Will' Smith:
Carlton that cancels the bet, you can't win.

Carlton Banks:
Maybe so but I can't lose either.

William 'Will' Smith:
Unless it's...[roulette wheels hits 00]

Carlton Banks:
My they're pumping a lot of oxygen into this room!

Carlton Banks:
Hey, I checked her coat.

Geoffrey:
Really? I wonder who'll play you in the movie of her life.

Philip Banks:
[to Michelle Michaels] I'm Philip Banks. This is my wife, Vivian. We're not hip, so we don't know your music. Nice to meet you anyway though.

William 'Will' Smith:
There ain't gonna be a rematch, when he gets out of the hospital he can have her

Philip Banks:
She dumped you?

William 'Will' Smith:
Man you crazy? Yeah

Philip Banks:
It was a nice ride while it lasted

William 'Will' Smith:
I think I loved her

Philip Banks:
Bull, you didn't know her

William 'Will' Smith:
I knew her you know what I'm saying? I knew her

Philip Banks:
You knew her intimately but you didn't know her well, you were in love with the lovestyle

Geoffrey:
I'm proud to announce Miss Michelle Michaels!

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Michelle] Are you stalking me?

Vivian Banks:
No, no you're not bringing a naked woman into my house

Jazz:
You misunderstand, she doesn't come naked

Philip Banks:
[to Ashley] You were perfect, he fell for it, he'll never know we're throwing him a surprise party

Hilary Banks:
We're throwing him a surprise party?

Ashley Banks:
[to Hilary] Will's friends are not losers

Jazz:
[enters] Greetings y'all

Jazz:
[commenting on the replacing of Janet Hubert-Whitten with Daphne Reid as Vivian] Mrs. Banks, ever since you had that baby, there's something different about you.

Philip Banks:
[to Carlton] I don't want you to move out.

Carlton Banks:
Sorry, Dad, I have to go.

Philip Banks:
No, you don't.

Carlton Banks:
Will says I do. He said it's time for me to leave the nest, become independent, and have sex with girls. Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it.

Philip Banks:
[to Will as he walks into the room] Excuse me! Is this what you've been telling my boy? That life is one big orgy? [backs Carlton and Will in a corner] Well, college is hard work, son! And after that, a family, which is even more hard work, and a teenage daughter who doesn't want to be seen in public with you, and a wife, a wife, who won't let anywhere near her, and a butler, a butler who may be the father of your child! And a gardener, a gard...

Carlton Banks:
Dad!

Vivian Banks:
I love the way your beard feels.

Philip Banks:
I'm surprised you remember.

Vivian Banks:
It hasn't been that long since we made love, hasn't it?

Geoffrey:
Five months this Tuesday. [Aunt Viv and Uncle Phil stare at him, and he shrugs] Thin walls.

Philip Banks:
Hilary, I think there's something you need to ask yourself.

Hilary Banks:
Oh, I already did. I'm registering at Tiffany's.

Philip Banks:
No, no. Do you love Trevor?

Hilary Banks:
Love? What's love got to do with it? I'm having a wedding!

Carlton Banks:
[about his date] I'm not bringing her anywhere near you.

William 'Will' Smith:
I'm your cousin.

Carlton Banks:
The cousin that stole every woman I ever had.

William 'Will' Smith:
Oh, please. I stole one girl.

Carlton Banks:
My point exactly.

Phillip Banks:
Carlton, you don't have to do anything.

Carlton:
Will says I do. He says it's time for me to leave the nest and start having sex with girls. Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it!

Carlton Banks:
[Whispering to Will who has been out getting their stolen stuff back] This is Jacqueline

William 'Will' Smith:
[Also whispering] This is the TV

Phillip Banks:
[to Will] I guess you've got yourself a pool house.

Carlton Banks:
How come he gets the pool house while I'm upstairs with the weeping widow?

Will Smith:
Uncle Phil, keep this man off my property or I'll shoot him.

Carlton Banks:
It's my property. I inherit everything when the big guy takes his bungee jump!

Carlton Banks:
[about Will's girlfriend from Philadelphia] Since I didn't buy a program on the way in, could you please explain to me what the heck is going on?

Will Smith:
C, that filly is from Philly. We grew up together.

Carlton Banks:
What does that mean, grew up together?

Will Smith:
What do you want it to mean?

Trevor:
[Trevor does a bungee jump on TV to propose to Hilary] Hilary Banks!

Hilary Banks:
Yes, Trevor?

Trevor:
Will you marry me... [then a crash is heard as he hits the ground. Everyone is in shock and Will is trying to figure out what to say next]

Will Smith:
I ain't no bungee expert or nothin', but I don't think he's suppose to be slammin' into the ground like that.

Hilary Banks:
[about Trevor's death] I just don't understand.

Vivian Banks:
Sweetie, the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

Hilary Banks:
No, I mean, technically, am I a widow or what?

Carlton Banks:
[to Will] I see a lot of girls slap you, Will, then I see the same girls leaving your room.

Philip Banks:
This is an outrage.

William 'Will' Smith:
Look, Uncle Phil. I swear that dent was in the car before I hit that mailbox.

Philip Banks:
What dent?

William 'Will' Smith:
Exactly. So what was you saying?

Young Vivian:
There are more important things in life than fancy clothes and big houses.

Young Hilary:
What have you been smoking?

William 'Will' Smith:
Hey, man. I'm from Philly. We had to save up to be poor! You don't get it.

Noah:
Yeah, I get it alright. You come down here with your X-cap and your cool Doc Martens, and you're all "dope" and "word to your mother", and you think that makes you committed. This isn't a game, Will, and if you think it is, then maybe you better not come back because you don't get it.

Young Will:
That honey was about to invite me for some milk and cookies.

Young Philip:
That honey was old enough to be your mother.

Young Will:
Word up and she was divorced too.

Carlton Banks:
Dad, don't do anything stupid! You haven't updated your will yet.

Philip Banks:
Vivian, where were you yesterday?

Vivian Banks:
Shooting hoops with Michael Jordan.

Young Carlton:
I'm black?

William 'Will' Smith:
Let's get one thing straight: I don't look like Carlton, I don't act like Carlton, and most importantly, I don't look like Carlton.

William 'Will' Smith:
If there's anybody that's not like Carlton [hits his chest] it's this guy right here, man!

Carlton Banks:
[comes into the kitchen] Geoffrey, I'm famished. Can you make me a gargonzola sandwich on a croissant for me? Heavy on the Grey Poupon.

William 'Will' Smith:
Uncle Phil is right! I'm turning into Carlton, man. Yo, that's it man. No more of these sissy sandwiches, no more preppy parties, and no more hittin' Uncle Phil for handouts, and you know what? You see this check? [tears up the check Uncle Phil gave him] Now you see it, now you don't! The Funky Fresh is back in the flesh with a vengence, homes!

William 'Will' Smith:
[Geoffrey walks away with the sandwich made for Will, but Will stops him] I'm gonna eat that though. I'm just not gonna enjoy it.

Carlton Banks:
[to Ashley's friend who has a crush on him] No, Tina! I don't care if you can get in for half-price, I am not taking you to see Jungle Fever.

Philip Banks:
[when the family is at the restaurant Will is working at] That is it! You are the most rudest, most incompetent waiter I have ever met.

William 'Will' Smith:
[takes his eyepatch and bandana off] I'm not a waiter. According to my uncle, I don't even have a job!

William 'Will' Smith:
Hey, I know where I'm coming from. I'm from Philly and I'm proud of it. [to Geoffrey] Can I get a croissant?

Geoffrey:
Certainly.

Philip Banks:
Vivian, you are so naive. You would believe Will if he told you that he were some big rap star, whose album just went platinum.

[Uncle Phil just grounded Will and took away all of his privileges]

Will:
Why don't you just do me like Kunta Kinte and cut off my foot?

Carlton Banks:
[to Steffi] Steffi, go home. You're not age-appropriate for this party. [puts on a duck floatie] I'm going swimming.

Philip Banks:
[to Will and Carlton] How dare you two defy me?

Carlton Banks:
Now, see here, big guy! [Uncle Phil pokes Carlton's duck tube causing it to pop] Oh, my God! Howard! [runs away and starts crying]

William 'Will' Smith:
[to Geoffrey] G, listen, how upset was Uncle Phil last night?

Geoffrey:
Well, he did something I've never seen him do in all the years I've been here.

William 'Will' Smith:
What? A sit-up?

Geoffrey:
It's a bit more serious than that I'm afraid. You know the cherry cheesecake, candied yams, and the barbeque ribs left over from yesterday?

Carlton Banks:
Yeah? [Geoffrey opens the fridge]

William 'Will' Smith:
[he and Carlton jump back shocked] Oh, my God! It's still there!

Steffi:
Hi, Mr. Banks.

Philip Banks:
Steffi, do your parents know you're here?

Steffi:
I don't think so. They're in Aspen [sees a guy pass by] and I'm in heaven!

Steffi:
Hi, Mr. Banks.

Philip Banks:
Steffi, do your parents know you're here?

Steffi:
The hell with my parents! Will taught me that.

William 'Will' Smith:
What I offer is the truth!

Philip Banks:
Oh, shut up, Will! Your honor, he is making a mockery of the entire legal system!

William 'Will' Smith:
And he is making a mockery of a finely-cut Italian suit!

Philip Banks:
[Will gives Uncle Phil a handshake] I don't want your hand, I want my rent.

William 'Will' Smith:
Oh, come on, Uncle Phil. Haven't you learned anything from all this?

Philip Banks:
Yeah, never rent from relatives.

Carlton Banks:
Will, have you seen Dad anywhere around?

William 'Will' Smith:
[looks around for Uncle Phil and spots him] Well, that's either him or a rhino that got his horn chopped off.

Judge:
However, air conditioning is considered a luxury. Rent cannot be withheld from a malfunctioning appliance!

William 'Will' Smith:
Meaning?

Judge:
Meaning you'll have to pay the rent!

Philip Banks:
I can't believe they disobeyed me!

Geoffrey:
You call it disobedience. I call it OUTRIGHT DEFIANCE!

[Phil storms out]

Geoffrey:
[moving his arms like a puppeteer] Dance, puppets! Dance!

[Geoffrey has given Will and Carleton a courtroom summons]

Geoffrey:
It has been my pleasure to *serve* you.

Phillip Banks:
All right, Will... If that's the way you want it... Mm ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Dr. Whitehorn:
Tonight, why don't we begin with a simple exercise? I'd like each one of you to say three things you like about your partner. Okay? George, why don't you start? [silence]

George Jefferson:
Well?

George Jefferson:
Well what?

Louise Jefferson:
The man said to name three things you like about me.

George Jefferson:
Fine! Your mother's died, your mother's dead, and your mother ain't living no more! [Will breaks out laughing, then stops when he sees Lisa glaring at him]

[observing the fight with their partners]

Louise Jefferson:
That is so juvenile!

Lisa Wilkes:
I know, and I have never seen anything so STUPID!

Louise Jefferson:
You calling my husband stupid? Honey, the only thing stupid here is your big-eared boyfriend, he looks like a car coming down the road with both doors open!

Lisa Wilkes:
Okay, WEEZY, it's on now!

Louise Jefferson:
All right, sister, bring it on! [start their own fight]

Philip Banks:
Hi kids.

Lisa Wilkes:
Hi Mr. Banks. Would you like to join us for dinner?

Philip Banks:
As lovely as that stinks, uh smells, I'll pass.

Dr. Whitehorn:
Hello, Louise, George.

George Jefferson:
Hello, Whitie.

Dr. Whitehorn:
No, it's Dr. Whitehorn.

George Jefferson:
Yeah, yeah, Horny, where do you want me to sit?

Louise Jefferson:
[as she's hitting George] THIS is for my momma! And THIS is for calling me Weezy, when you KNOW I'm sensitive about my asthma!

George Jefferson:
[about Will and Lisa] And I thought I had it bad!

Louise Jefferson:
And it's about to get WORSE! [pinches George]