Three's Company

Chrissy:
Eat your salad before it gets cold.

Chrissy:
You know, if women ran the world there'd be none of these stupid wars!

Janet Wood Dawson:
Yeah!

Stanley Roper:
Yeah, all the countries would nag each other to death!

Stanley Roper:
I came up to shampoo your rug.

Chrissy:
Why? Does it have dandruff?

Stanley Roper:
Not in my building!

Jack Tripper:
I swear, it will be completely platonic.

Stanley Roper:
I don't care what it - What does that mean?

Helen Roper:
Like you and me, Stanley.

Jack Tripper:
[a woman comes to the door and mistakenly tells the girls that Jack got her pregnant. Through miscommunication, Jack believes his girlfriend is pregnant] Good news girls! We're getting married!

Chrissy:
You rotten rat!

Jack Tripper:
- bewildered - Rotten rat? Janet, why did she call me a rat?

Janet Wood Dawson:
Because you're a pig!

Stanley Roper:
What's the cake for?

Helen Roper:
We're celebrating.

Stanley Roper:
Celebrating what?

Helen Roper:
The tenth anniversary of my new spring outfit.

Cindy Snow:
If my man was cheating on me I'd break every bone in his body!

Jack Tripper:
You'll do that on your wedding night.

Jack Tripper:
Is something burning?

Janet Wood Dawson:
Oh NO! I left my underwear in the oven.

Chrissy:
Too bad hot pants are not in style.

Stanley Roper:
I bet this cot told some great stories.

Mrs. Roper:
I wish ours could.

Mrs. Roper:
I need a new stove

Stanley Roper:
There's nothing wrong with the stove you have.

Mrs. Roper:
I better not break up the set.

Stanley Roper:
What set?

Mrs. Roper:
An old stove, and old husband, and they both take too long to heat up.

Jack Tripper:
I have a surprise for you girls!

Chrissy:
Oh, I love surprises. It's funny that you never suspect them!

Janet Wood Dawson:
Chrissy, your dad is a minister, what does he usually say to couples in trouble?

Chrissy:
He tells them to keep the baby.

Stanley Roper:
[after the kids make a lot of noise, Mr. Roper knocks on the door]

Jack Tripper:
Yes?

Stanley Roper:
It's three o'clock in the morning! - [is about to complain further]

Jack Tripper:
Thank you! [closes door]

[about lying to his boss about having a wife]

Jack Tripper:
Mr. Angelino saw me talking to his daughter and now I have to be married.

Terri:
Boy, those Italians sure are strict!

Jack Tripper:
Larry, haven't you ever thought of telling a girl the truth?

Larry:
Well, I figure, anyone who gets up an hour early to put on eyeliner, fake eyelashes, and plastic nails isn't someone who wants to hear the truth.

Chrissy:
Men are so unsympathetic.

Jack Tripper:
Baloney.

Chrissy:
Oh yeah? Then how come there are more women nurses than men?

Jack Tripper:
[pause] Because there are more men who get sick because of women.

Stanley Roper:
Helen, I just wanted to prove to you that other woman found me attractive. And I proved it.

Mrs. Roper:
Well, fine, go to her. See if I care. I hope you're happy.

Stanley Roper:
I don't want to be happy; I want to be with you.

Chrissy:
Jack, that smells good.

Jack Tripper:
Chrissy, I haven't even started cooking yet.

Chrissy:
Well, you better hurry up and start cooking so you can catch up with the smell.

Jack Tripper:
And speaking of current events, did you read the *big* news in the paper this morning?

Chrissy:
The May Company is having a huge sale on pantyhose.

Jack Tripper:
Excuse me, Chrissy, that's not exactly a current event.

Chrissy:
It is so, it's going on right now.

Ralph Furley:
[after hearing Terry play the Violin very badly] Who's *killing* a cat up here?

Helen Roper:
Oh, why don't you go see your dentist!

Stanley Roper:
What for?

Helen Roper:
Because your toothache is giving me a pain.

Stanley Roper:
Then you go see the dentist.

Helen Roper:
The place I got a pain you don't see a dentist.

Stanley Roper:
Will you put some clothes on? My wife's here!

Helen Roper:
Mind your own business, Stanley.

Stanley Roper:
What if the towel slips?

Helen Roper:
Mind your own business, Stanley.

Chrissy:
Jack, you have some shaving cream on your face.

Jack Tripper:
Oh, thank you.

Chrissy:
[shouts] No, Jack!

Helen Roper:
Mind your own business, Chrissy!

Jack Tripper:
It's time to toast the bride and groom. To Gloria and Larry, happy days!

Janet Wood Dawson:
Good times!

Chrissy:
Little House on the Prairie!

Larry:
What the heck am I gonna do without a friend like you? [he breaks down crying]

Jack Tripper:
Well, Larry, I'm only moving about a mile away.

Larry:
You shoulda told me that before I made a fool of myself!

Janet Wood Dawson:
Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't tell anybody you're a chef, okay?

Jack Tripper:
Okay, mum's the word.

Janet Wood Dawson:
Well, it's not that there's anything wrong with what you do, Jack. It's just that... everybody here looks so important and we want to make a good impression. Well, you understand, don't you?

Jack Tripper:
*Of course*, pumpkin.

Janet Wood Dawson:
Oh, thanks.

Jack Tripper:
You're ashamed of me!

Ralph Furley:
Ohhhh, I'm through with women.

Jack Tripper:
Aww.

Ralph Furley:
Don't you get any ideas!

Terri:
I just felt sorry for you!

Jack Tripper:
Sorry for me? Why would anybody feel sorry for me?

Janet Wood Dawson:
Oh, lots of reasons.

Larry:
I just wanted to know if you wanted to spend an evening with a beautiful, young lady.

Jack Tripper:
No thanks, pal. I'd rather spend an evening with Janet.

Ralph Furley:
This is a respectable building. NO ROMAN ORGIES!

Ralph Furley:
You can't follow The Brady Bunch if you miss the beginning!

[Stanley has been caught eavesdropping]

Helen Roper:
Stanley! You should say you're sorry.

Stanley Roper:
All right, all right, I'm sorry.

Helen Roper:
And you'll never do it again.

Stanley Roper:
And I'll never do it again.

Helen Roper:
And you'll take fifty dollars off next month's rent.

Stanley Roper:
And I'll never do it again.

Stanley Roper:
I want my rent!

Helen Roper:
Stanley, where are your manners? You're supposed to say hello when you walk into a room.

Stanley Roper:
Hello, I want my rent!

Diane McMillan:
Janet, do you know what I do for a living?

Janet Wood Dawson:
Of course I do! It's right here on your card in black and white. Diane McMillan, The Rapist!

Jack Tripper:
That's therapist.

Janet's Father:
She always did have trouble with her reading.

Cindy Snow:
She's wrong, Jack. You're NOT a bad liar.

Jack Tripper:
[indignantly] Thank you, Cindy!

Cindy Snow:
You're about the best darn liar I've ever met!

Janet Wood Dawson:
Darlene is a $100 a night call girl!

Jack Tripper:
Janet, don't you see I'm talking to my *mother*!

Jack Tripper:
But I thought she was Miss Einstein!

Janet Wood Dawson:
So... she's a smart call girl!

Stanley Roper:
Look at that crack in the ceiling. You know that party caused that.

Helen Roper:
The party didn't cause that.

Stanley Roper:
Oh yah. Then what did?

Helen Roper:
It was the earthquake last year. Oh it was exciting.

Stanley Roper:
Exciting?

Helen Roper:
Yah, it was the first time our bed moved in years.

Chrissy:
This breakfast is good enough to eat.

Jack Tripper:
I'm hoping to open up a little restaurant for people who can really appreciate high prices.

Stanley Roper:
You know, Helen, you've got enough mouth for three lips!

Stanley Roper:
I wonder what game's going on up there.

Helen Roper:
Oh, probably something delightfully kinky that only three can play.

[to his wife]

Stanley Roper:
You know, it's a shame you don't live in India. You'd be sacred there.

Patrica Crawford:
He touched my b*obs.

[Jack takes a bite of the lousy-made scrambled eggs made by Janet]

Jack Tripper:
[disgusted] Um... I, uh... This-this is horrible. Ohh!

Chrissy:
Well, do you think can do any better?

Jack Tripper:
The proof will be in the eating. Let me see what you got in here. [Jack looks in the refrigerator] Okay, eggs, butter. What are these, mushrooms? An onion. Well start with that.

Janet Wood:
Start what?

Jack Tripper:
Eggs Madeira Funchal. [to Chrissy] Can you boil an egg?

Chrissy:
Well, I don't know. Eleanor always did the cooking.

[Jack pats Chrissy on her head as he prepares the meal]

Janet Wood:
Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Jack Tripper:
Oh, yes. I-I'm studying to be a chef at the L.A. Technical College. You are looking at the Galloping Gourmet of 1980.

Janet Wood:
Oh, it takes that long?

Jack Tripper:
You have to learn how to trot before you can gallop. who said that?

Chrissy:
Well, Mrs. Roper, see, the world is made up of two kinds of people, twos and ones. Sometimes two ones become a two, and other times one of the ones of the two gets tired of being a two and wants to become a one again, not that the other one of the two isn't a nice one, it's just that two ones can't be a two without the one. See?

Jack Tripper:
Mr. Roper, you didn't tell me there was another woman!

Stanley Roper:
This isn't a woman, this is Mrs. Dawson!

Chrissy:
Oh! She's married!

Janet Wood Dawson:
Chrissy, I wonder if her husband knows!

Chrissy:
Of course he knows, he must have been at the wedding!

Janet Wood:
Chrissy. Is that all birdseed?

Chrissy Snow:
Oh no. It's half a roast chicken from Mrs. Roper.

Jack Tripper:
Hey, wait-wait, Chrissy. What happened to the birdseed?

Chrissy Snow:
Mr. Roper ate it.

Ralph Furley:
[Mr. Furley is after mistakenly wiring the doorbell to a lightbulb switch and the light blinks as the doorbell is pressed] I'll get that.

Felipe Gomez:
Fooor shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame!

Janet Wood:
What's the boat for?

Cindy Snow:
It's for the swimming pool.

Jack Tripper:
We don't have a pool.

Cindy Snow:
I thought Chrissy said everyone down here had a pool.

Jack Tripper:
Ours was stolen.

Jack Tripper:
[Cindy's arrival has caused chaos] I hope Hurricane Cindy is just passing through.

Cindy Snow:
Still, I'm glad to see my luck hasn't changed.

Janet Wood:
What do you mean?

Cindy Snow:
Well, back home, I used to play second fiddle to Chrissy because she was so beautiful. I finally leave home only to have a gorgeous roommate.

Janet Wood:
[totally flattered] Well, we hope you'll be very happy here.

Jack Tripper:
[appearing in the bedroom door] Janet, can I speak to you for a second?

Jack Tripper:
[in the living room] How long is she staying here?

Janet Wood:
As long as she likes. [returns to Cindy]

Jack Tripper:
[camera zoom in] What?

Jack Tripper:
[Mr. Furley is standing outside the bathroom and eavesdropping while Jack and Chrissy are installing a shower curtain] Okay, Chrissy, I'll get in the tub with you, then we can get it on.

Chrissy:
Get next to me, I'll show you what to do.

Jack Tripper:
This isn't exactly the first time I've ever done this.

Chrissy:
Maybe so, but girls are better at this than boys.

Jack Tripper:
Come on, Chrissy. A little less talk and a little more action, okay?

Chrissy:
Okay, you do your part and I'll do mine. I don't think it'll reach!

Jack Tripper:
Of course not, you've got to unfold it first!

Detective Lannigan:
I wasn't trying to encourage sex. I was trying to stop sex.

Helen Roper:
That's even worse.

Stanley Roper:
[trying to get to roommates to clear his yard] Who would benefit from cleaning it?

Janet Wood:
You would!

Stanley Roper:
Who would enjoy the fresh air and exercise?

Chrissy Snow:
Not us!

Stanley Roper:
Who can't afford a rent increase on their apartment?

Jack Tripper:
Mr Roper, there is a word for the kind of threat that you just made.

Stanley Roper:
Yeah? What?

Jack Tripper:
Effective.

Janet Wood:
[telling April how Jack supposedly died] It was his heart.

Max:
[repeating what Cindy told him] God forgot to wind it.

Max:
[the bartender is admiring April, and Max, noticing this, grabs him roughly] Keep it up, and the next girl you'll be staring at will be a nurse.

Janet Wood:
How's married life!

Eleanor:
Much better since the divorce.

Larry Dallas:
The cake looks great, I thought you were supposed to make it out of sawdust.

Jack Tripper:
It is Larry. Trust me, before it was cake it was a bookcase.

Jack Tripper:
Wait a minute, you'd go to a nude beach and get naked in front of total strangers but you wouldn't in front of me? That doesn't make any sense.

Chrissy Snow:
It makes perfect sense. See I don't know them, and they don't know me and they don't know who they're seeing, and I don't know who's seeing me. But I know you, and you know me, and you know who you're seeing, and I know who's seeing me. And both of them are me! See?

Jack Tripper:
No, I don't see.

Chrissy Snow:
And you're not going to, either.

Helen Roper:
[naked behind the flower box] Don't come over here, Stanley!

Stanley Roper:
Why not? What are you got back there that I haven't seen before?

Janet Wood:
Me!

Chrissy Snow:
Janet, what are you doing back there?

Janet Wood:
Giving the azalias a thrill.

Stanley Roper:
[Helen and Janet are naked] Why didn't you go into the apartment?

Helen Roper:
The door's locked!

Stanley Roper:
Why didn't you take your key?

Helen Roper:
Where would I keep it, Stanley?

Ralph Furley:
[seeing the handcuffs Jack and Chrissy are wearing] This is a clean, family building... I won't put up with anything kinky!

Helen Roper:
I know. I'll get a job that's what I'll do.

Stanley Roper:
What? You get a job? What can you do?

Helen Roper:
I can do lots of things. I worked before. When I was a girl I used to work for the post office.

Stanley Roper:
Well, times have changed since the Pony Express.

Jack Tripper:
A toast! Here's to Jack and here's to Chrissy. Let's get started with a little kissy.

Chrissy Snow:
Hold it. If you think I'm that kind of date you can go home right now.

Jack Tripper:
I live here.

Chrissy Snow:
That's no excuse.

Larry Dallas:
[handing over records] I got all the latest albums. There's Sour Milk, Wormrot, and Spoiled Meat. The party's gonna be great tonight!

Janet Wood:
It will be if we all don't get food poisoning.

Louise Prescott:
I'll say this for you, you've got nerve.

Jack Tripper:
Asking you for a loan?

Louise Prescott:
Asking me for a date. I'm sorry, Mr. Tripper, but, you see, this bank can not give money to someone who can't pay it back.

Jack Tripper:
Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you.

Chrissy Snow:
Does anybody really know where anybody lives?

Janet Wood:
Does anybody really know anybody?

Dr. Prescott:
BARK! B, be somebody. A, act like somebody. R, react like somebody. K, collect your rewards!

Jack Tripper:
Don't "collect" begin with a C?

Dr. Prescott:
Yes, Tripper, but then that would spell "BARC".

Jack Tripper:
Where would all the great women of history be if they thought like that? Look at Joan of Arc and what she accomplished. And Florence Nightingale and Madame Curie.

Chrissy Snow:
And Lucrezia Borgia.

Janet Wood:
She poisoned people.

Chrissy Snow:
Yeah but she was very good at it.

Jack Tripper:
[putting a piece of cheese in her mouth] Chew. Don't talk.

Chrissy Snow:
[cheerleading while the others are trying to talk] Chicka chicka boom! Chicka chicka bah! I don't know the rest of it, so ha ha ha!

Jack Tripper:
[shoving a piece of cheese in her mouth] Chrissy chrissy chew chew rah rah rah!

Chloe:
[uncomfortable with her bust size] I am so sick of hearing men make those stupid comments. 'Hey baby, how about coming over here and keeping the rain off me?'

Jack Tripper:
What do they say on sunny days?

Chloe:
I can't remember the last time a guy looked into my eyes. They could be hard boiled eggs for all they care.

Chrissy Snow:
Oh, you have lovely eyes. Right, Jack?

Jack Tripper:
Sure, I noticed your eggs, I mean eyes...

Jack Tripper:
It's time to toast the bride and groom.

Janet Wood:
OK.

Jack Tripper:
To Gloria and Larry. Happy days.

Janet Wood:
Good times.

Chrissy Snow:
Little house on the prairie!

Chrissy Snow:
[after catching Jack and Gloria in a compromising position] You're a rat!

Janet Wood:
A pig.

Chrissy Snow:
A snake!

Janet Wood:
A skunk.

Chrissy Snow:
A giraffe!

Jack Tripper:
Giraffe?

Chrissy Snow:
Well, I ran out of animals.

Helen Roper:
Stanley, you can't play a bugle at a wedding. It's not appropriate.

Stanley Roper:
Why not? It started all the other wars.

Captain:
Monsieur, what is this?

Jack Tripper:
Uh... uh... Jack a-la carte!

Chrissy:
Jack, I have a two-part question... Why?

Jack Tripper:
How is that a two-part question?

Chrissy:
[turning to Janet] We both want to know!

Larry:
You see, Chrissy, we men need proof we're lovable and desirable too. If we didn't... well, you see what it's done to Jack.

Chrissy:
Oh, yeah. Do you know he actually let that woman pay his way last night?

Larry:
No! I never thought he'd stoop so low!

Chrissy:
He stooped all the way down to the floor! He thought the roast beef would hide him but it rolled away!

Captain:
A cocktail before you dine?

Janet Wood Dawson:
Oh, thank you!

[looks at menu and is stunned at the prices]

Janet Wood Dawson:
I believe I'll have some water.

Chrissy:
[eyes bugging out at the menu prices] Me, too.

Captain:
Of course. Would you care for the imported Rumanian, the Mountain Clear or the Gillian Sparkling?

Chrissy:
I'd like Santa Monica tap!

Chrissy Snow:
[after leaving the puppy at the Ropers] Well, she has a parakeet and I figure anyone that loves parakeets must love dogs.

Jack Tripper:
What about MR Roper?

Chrissy Snow:
Well I guess she loves him too, otherwise she would have left him a long time ago. [she turns and Jack reaches to choke her]

Nancy Norwood:
[after Jack has learned that Nancy has thrown Leo out of their apartment] Come on, Jack. Who would you rather spend your time with? Some broken down old man or with me?

Jack Tripper:
[smiles] You're right, Nancy... there's no contest.

Nancy Norwood:
I didn't think so...

Jack Tripper:
[maintaining smile] Get out.

Larry Dallas:
[Clears throat] [Dictating letter] "Dear Sleazebucket,"

Janet Wood:
Sleazebucket?

Larry Dallas:
Would you type? [Dictating letter] It is slime like you that makes this world stink. Only vermin would take advantage of their position to rob innocent people of their outcomes, period. Here's hoping that all the scummy things you've done to others, comma will come back to you ten times over. Your friend, Jack Tripper, today's date.

Jack Tripper:
Thanks a lot, Larry.

Janet Wood:
I'll put in the mail tomorrow morning.

Jack Tripper:
How did you come up with all that stuff so fast?

Larry Dallas:
Oh it was easy. I got the same letter down at the used car lot today.

Chrissy Snow:
Okay, but I have a date with Elmo. If I'm late, he'll blow his top.

Jack Tripper:
Don't worry Chrissy. [taps his temple] He has nothing up there that's gonna get hurt in the explosion.

Chrissy Snow:
Will you go upstairs and wait for me?

Elmo Hacker:
[stammering] Chrissy, I...

Chrissy Snow:
[waving her finger in his face] Elmo, go on! [he hangs his head and saunters away]

Larry:
Girls, why don't you come up to my apartment? I think I have something you can put on.

Lulu:
Like what?

Larry:
Like a Mantovani record!

Janet Wood:
[after pushing Michael, who has forced himself on her, away] How could you treat me like that? I think what you did was very cruel!

Michael:
[shrugs] I'm sorry you feel that way.

Janet Wood:
[shocked at his callousness] That's it? That's all you have to say?

Michael:
[coldly] No, Janet. No. Let me level with ya... I don't think you have what it takes to make it as a dancer!

Janet Wood:
[hurt] Well... let me level with you, Michael. I don't think you have what it takes to make it as a human being! [Michael walks off]

Jack Tripper:
It was nice meeting you, Denise.

Larry Dallas:
Dorothy!

Diane:
Diane.

Lucille Ball:
You know what I like about this show? It doesn't try to change the world or solve any major problems. All it does is make us laugh and forget our own cares. That's my kind of comedy.

Chrissy:
When I was your age I was 13 too.

Jack Tripper:
[neither one can go through with their bet anymore] What do you say, Chrissy? Wanna call it a draw?

Chrissy Snow:
Uh huh.

Jack Tripper:
COME HERE, GRACE! Ok. On the count of three, we both start to nibble.

Helen Roper:
You know, I really don't understand this silly contest of yours.

Chrissy Snow:
Oh, it's not silly. You see if Jack has any kind of fun at all with a girl, he loses. And if I die of starvation, I win.

Chrissy:
You can run from love, you can run from war, you can run from the cop on the beat. You can run from danger, you can run from a stranger, but you can't run away from your feet.

Helen Roper:
[Mrs. Roper asks Chrissy if she can borrow some money to pay for her U.P.S. delivery. Chrissy is short a few dollars and offers Mrs. Roper an I.O.U] Chrissy, you can't give an I.O.U. to the U.P.S. for a C.O.D.! They might call the F.B.I.! [She then laughs as Chrissy looks stupified]

Jack Tripper:
My Diary, by Wanda X.

Chrissy Snow:
Yeah. I wonder what the X stands for.

Jack Tripper:
MMMMM, Chrissy, have you read this? X isn't a name, it's a rating!

Chrissy Snow:
You talk and I'll type.

Jack Tripper:
Ok. January 1st. My eyes opened to the dawn of a new year. I looked over and saw Julian's sleeping form. Something stirred within me, some deep primitive lust. I reached over, touched Julian's shoulder and... [stops reading and eyes widen in disbelief]

Chrissy Snow:
Jack...

Jack Tripper:
Shhh!

Chrissy Snow:
What happens when she touched Julian's shoulder?

Jack Tripper:
Everything. Here, read this entry here.

Chrissy Snow:
[reads it in increasing disbelief] Did you see what she did on Washington's birthday?

Jack Tripper:
Yeah, I'll be old George didn't even do that on his honeymoon.

Janet Wood:
You can't kick us out! You wouldn't be able to sleep at night!

Ralph Furley:
I can't sleep anyway, you sold my bed!

Jack Tripper:
[a girl has just given jack a few judo flips around the kitchen] Felipe? Why didn't you help out?

Felipe Gomez:
She didn't need no help.

Chrissy:
Well, this is typical - getting a girl pregnant. Only a man would do a thing like that.

*Jack has gotten in a car accident with Janet's new car and has just gotten a bump on the head, but Terri hears some doctors talking about another patient who has amnesia and thinks they're talking about Jack*

Janet:

Jack! Have you really got amnesia?!

Jack:

Jack? Who's Jack?