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Tommy Patel: You don't have to worry about me, dear. I'm bi-sexual. Whenever I want to have sex, I have to buy it.
Brittle: Congratulations, sir.
Henry Martin: Eh, you can kiss ass later, Brittle.
Brittle: Thank you, sir.
Butler: Drunk again, sir?
Henry Martin: That's okay, Butler. So are we.
Adoption Agent: She insisted that you were adopted by a member of the working class to save you from the curse of money.
Tommy Patel: How very thoughtful...
Duchess Lucinda: Stop? You can't just arouse a woman and then yell stop, even if you are English...
Tommy Patel: Surely you don't think I...
Henry Martin: Get me out of this moose!
Shadgrind: So many of you orphans. Unwanted children all over the place. People were sex-mad in the 60s, seemed to do it just for fun... Weird.
Kitty: That's Henry's mother, the black sheep in the family. She took so many strokes in the 60s they called her the U.S. open.
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"Splitting Heirs Quotes." Quotes.net. STANDS4 LLC, 2017. Web. 18 Dec. 2017. <http://www.quotes.net/movies/Splitting Heirs>.