Clark:
Could I do your back, honey?

Ellen Griswold:
I've already done my back.

Clark:
Could I do your front?

Ellen Griswold:
Go do your own front.

Audrey Griswold:
Mom, where can I go to the bathroom?

Ellen Griswold:
Find a bush Audrey!

Motorcycle Cop:
Do you know what the penalty for animal cruelty is in this state?

Clark:
No, sir, I don't.

Motorcycle Cop:
Well... it's probably pretty stiff.

Clark:
We're from out of town.

Cousin Eddie:
How do you like yours, Clark?

Clark:
Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.

Cousin Eddie:
No, I mean your bun.

Ed:
Now, I owe it to myself to tell you, Mr. Griswold, that if you are thinking of taking the tribe cross country, this is your automobile. The Wagon Queen Family Truckster. You think you hate it now, but wait till you drive it.

Ed, the car salesman:
Wait a minute, I'll get to the bottom of this, we'll find your car. Davenport!

Davenport:
Yes, Mr. Ed.

Ed, the car salesman:
Where is Mr. Griswold's Sports Wagon?

Davenport:
I don't know.

Ed, the car salesman:
I know what must have happened. It didn't come in. Now I can get you the Sports Wagon; the only problem is that it may take six weeks. I owe it to myself to tell you that if you're taking the whole tribe cross-country, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster is the way to go. You think you hate it now, but just wait until you drive it.

Clark Griswald:
Ed, I'm not your average fool.

Roy Walley:
Roy; can I call you Roy? Have you even driven your whole family cross-country?

Roy Walley:
Oh, hell yes. Once I drove all of them to Florida. The smell coming out of the back seat was terrible.

Clark Griswald:
I know that smell, Roy; but what if you had driven all that way and Florida was closed?

Roy Walley:
Closed? Uh, they don't close Florida.

Clark Griswald:
So, this is the old homestead, eh?

Cousin Eddie:
Yeah. I don't know for how much longer, though. The banks been after me like flies on a rib roast.

Clark:
Why aren't we flying? Because getting there is half the fun.

Clark:
Oh Ellen, the old west was dirty. Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?

Ellen Griswold:
I honestly don't think we're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.

Clark:
Jesus, it's only the biggest God-damn hole in the world.

Aunt Edna:
Clark, watch your language!

Clark:
Make that the second biggest.

Ellen Griswold:
I'm not sure of his exact height and weight. All I know is that the man was a saint with children and a genius with food additives and he was... Clark!

Cousin Vicki:
I'm going steady, and I French kiss.

Audrey Griswold:
So? Everybody does that.

Cousin Vicki:
Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.

Cousin Eddie:
I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh? I like it better than tuna helper myself, don't you, Clark?

Clark:
You're the gourmet around here, Eddie.

Eddie:
I got laid off when they closed that asbestos factory, and wouldn't you know it, the army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.

Clark:
Hey, hey, easy kids. Everybody in the car. Boat leaves in two minutes... or perhaps you don't want to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth, which is only four short hours away?

Clark:
Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?

Cousin Eddie:
Oh, nothing but the best.

Aunt Edna:
Why don't you just ask him for the money, Eddie? He sure as Hell can't take a hint.

Cousin Eddie:
Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark, you know, but could you maybe spare a little extra cash?

Clark:
Sure, Eddie, how much do you need?

Cousin Eddie:
About fifty-two thousand dollars.

Ellen Griswold:
Clark, let's just skip the house of mud. I think Dodge City was enough for one day. Besides, Catherine and Eddie are expecting us.

Clark:
It's living history Ellen. But if you'd rather see your cousins it's okay by me. Personally I'd rather see a pile of mud than Eddie.

Ellen Griswold:
I think I broke my nose.

Rusty Griswold:
I stabbed my brain.

Audrey Griswold:
I just got my period.

Rusty Griswold:
Is that a real gun, Mom?

Ellen Griswold:
I don't know, Rusty, but when this is all over, your father may be going away for a little while.

Clark:
I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgeory to remove our godamn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of you're assholes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld:
Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

Roy Walley:
Well, somebody better explain, or there'll, uh... there'll be a lot of explaining to do.

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld:
That's not a real gun, is it Clark?

Clark:
Are you kidding this is a Magnum P.I.

Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld:
Its a BB gun. You couldn't even break the skin with that thing.

Clark:
I don't give a frog's fat ass who went through what. We need money! Hey, Russ, wanna look through Aunt Edna's purse?

Rusty Griswold:
Mom, my sandwich is all wet.

Ellen Griswold:
They're all wet... Oh God!... The dog wet on the picnic basket.

Rusty Griswold:
Hey, ya' got Pac Man?

Cousin Dale:
No.

Rusty Griswold:
Ya' got Space Invaders?

Cousin Dale:
Nope.

Rusty Griswold:
Ya' got Asteroids?

Cousin Dale:
Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.

Ellen Griswold:
Gee Cath look's like you really got your hands full.

Catherine:
Oh, it's not so bad. Eddie says after the baby comes, I can quit one of my night jobs.

Ellen Griswold:
Stay in the car! It's hot and dangerous out here.

Aunt Edna:
Don't you tell me what to do, I'll do what I want! I should never have come on this trip with you, I should have taken an airplane... and him!

Aunt Edna:
He shouldn't even have a license to drive an automobile! He should be BEHIND BARS!

Ellen Griswold:
SIT down and SHUT UP! Move outa that seat and I'll split your lip!

Clark:
I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.

Ellen Griswold:
Oh spare me, Clark, I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!

Clark:
I'm making out a check for $1000, all you have to do is give me $300 in cash and keep the $700, all for doing nothing more than acting like a total creep.

Ellen Griswold:
We can't leave Aunt Edna on the patio!

Clark:
Would you prefer I slip her in the night deposit box at the funeral home?

Audrey Griswold:
She breathed on me! A dead person breathed on me!

Clark:
Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?

Pimp:
Fuck yo mama!

Clark:
Thank you very much.

Clark:
Russ, please don't eat the Truckster.

Clark:
We passed a God damn gas station every 10 yards for 1000 miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!

Aunt Edna:
Are we gonna eat, or are we gonna starve to death?

Clark:
Roll 'em up!

Clark:
Russ, it's really great that I can spend time with you and... uh... uh... uh...

Rusty:
Audry, Dad.

Aunt Edna:
You're the ones who sent me the fruitcake for Christmas. It made me so sick!

Ellen Griswold:
I thought you enjoy fruitcake.

Aunt Edna:
Do you enjoy throwing up every five minutes?

Clark:
O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair. Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites, and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a break.

Ellen Griswold:
Clark...

Clark:
Honey, I'm not an ordained minister; I'm doing my best.

Aunt Edna:
Is this your idea of a good restaurant? Dog killer!

Aunt Edna:
Clark, Dinkins needs a long walk and a bath.

Clark:
Rusty take care of Dinkins.

Rusty:
Dad he bites.

Clark:
Bite him back.

Clark:
Despite all the little problems it's fun isn't it?

Ellen Griswold:
No. But with every new day there's fresh hope.

Lasky:
Has your father ever killed anyone?

Rusty:
Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.

Clark:
Hey you can't prove that Russ.

Lasky:
Rusty, may I call you Rusty? I had a bad experience on this ride once.

Rusty:
What happened?

Lasky:
I threw up.

Clark Griswald:
Ed, this is not the car I ordered. I distinctly ordered the Antartic Blue Super Sports Wagon with C.B. and optional rally fun pack.

Ed, the car salesman:
You didn't order the Metallic Pea?

Ellen Griswald:
We're not really violent people. This is our first gun.

Clark Griswald:
No, it isn't.

Clark Griswald:
When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun.

Cousin Eddie:
Hey Clark, you look like you could use a cold one.

Clark:
I sure could, Eddie.