Blue Collar Comedy Tour: The Movie

Ron White:
I got in last night, and some guys wanted to take me to a topless bar. I didn't want to go,

Ron White:
but I ended up going, cause you guys will back me up on this, you've seen one woman nekid... you wanna see the rest of them nekid! It can be an old biker chick, you know, they're gonna hang down to here. 'Wanna see me nekid?' Yeah, I do!

Ron White:
All right, roll 'em back up now! I've seen enough.

Ron White:
Things that make you go buhhhh!

Ron White:
I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now, when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to leave, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Bye everyone, I gotta go!" Six bouncers picked me up and hurled me out of that bar like I was a Frisbee. Those big old New York bouncers that think about bouncing. They hang out with other bouncers, talking about bouncing. They go home at night and watch Road House and fondle themselves. For wearing a hat. I walk into a bar and the bouncer comes over to me, real pissy, and goes, "Take off the hat!" I'm like, "What's the deal?" He goes, "I'll tell you what the deal is. Gay people in this area wear hats; we're tryin' to keep them out of our club!" Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have their hair cut like, yours. And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked away. About an hour later, I was drinking and I forgot. Ever forget? It happened to me. I put the hat on, and he comes back over. Now, I'm between six-one and six-six depending on which convenience store I'm leaving. I weigh two hundred and thirty pounds, and this guy comes over, poking me in the shoulder. He says, "You're outta here!" and I said, "I don't think so, Scooter!" And I was wrong. They hurled me out of that bar. And then they squared off with me in the parking lot, and I backed down from the fight, cause I don't know how many of them it would have taken to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy little piece of information, right there. The police got called because we broke a chair on the way out, and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it cause *we* broke it over *my* thigh. And at that point, I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability. The cop was like, "Mr. White, you are being charged with drunk in public-KA!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar! They, threw me into public-KA! I don't want to be drunk in public! I wanna be drunk in a bar, which is perfectly legal! Arrest them!" He didn't arrest them, instead he had me do a field sobriety check, where you stand on one foot, raise the other foot six inches off the ground, and count to thirty. I made it to "woo!" Is that going to be close enough? It wasn't, so they called in for my arrest record. There's some good news! Satellites are linking up in outer space. Computer banks at NASA are kicking on. There's a telegraph in Fritch, Texas, going: beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Ron White:
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. This part takes a while. Brrrrinnnng! Shorthand.

Ron White:
Beep. Now, I told you that story, to tell you this story. When I was seventeen, I was arrested for being drunk in... public.

Ron White:
If you knew Morse code, you'd know that already. And one DWI, which was a bogus charge, cause it turns out they were stopping every driver, traveling down that particular sidewalk. And that's profiling. And profiling is wrong! The arresting officer, who I had literally known, all my life. You know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down the street me, in a town of less than four hundred people. *We've met.* Now, he takes me to jail, and he asks me if I have any aliases.

Ron White:
And I was just being a smartass, and I said, "Yeah. They call me, "Tater Salad!" " Seventeen years later, I'm handcuffed on a bench in New York with blood coming out of my nose, and this cop goes, "Are you Ron 'Tater Salad' White?" Ya caught me! Ya caught the tater!

Larry The Cable Guy:
Her horse got a broken leg and I had to shoot it. So now it's got a broken leg and a gunshot wound.

Larry The Cable Guy:
I don't know what you shoot it for. I guess it helps the healing process. If it ain't better tomorrow, I'm gonna shoot it again, I'll tell you that right now.

Ron White:
In Texas we have the death penalty, and WE USE IT!

Ron White:
That's right! If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back! That's our policy!

Jeff:
If you think "Silence Of The Lambs" is what happens when Larry goes out to the barn, you might be a redneck.

Bill:
My daughter's right in the middle, which is where you want them to be I think. She's friends with the popular kids, she's friends with the unpopular kids, which is cool, until they bring home one of their friends that you don't see eye to eye with. Like, the other day she brought home a friend who's into this goth stuff. Oh my God! Have you seen these little freaks? What happened! With the black nail polish, black lipstick, black eyeliner, black hair, and Liquid Paper-white face. I'm sorry, didn't we used to call that "Halloween"? She came to the door with my daughter, and I did this:

Bill:
But, I'm trying to be nice to her because she's my daughter's friend. My daughter says, "Daddy, this is my friend Lucy." I said, "Well, hey Lucy... fer! She looked at me like, "I will set you ablaze right now."

Jeff:
If you think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour, you might be a redneck.

Larry The Cable Guy:
I had a rough night. I had a dream that I drank the world's biggest margarita, and I woke up - there was salt around the toilet bowl. That's not good right there. Thank goodness I didn't eat the worm at the bottom, I'll tell you that right now.

Larry The Cable Guy:
You know what they got now? Edible undershorts? Whose idea was that? "What do you wanna do tonight, baby?" "Let me eat your undershorts." HEY BABY, PUT A COUPLE OF THOSE IN THE FRIDGE, I-MA MAKE ME A SAMMICH LATER!"

Larry The Cable Guy:
Is that a remote control fart machine? Wow...

Jeff:
This man has enough money to buy anything in this mall, and he gets the remote controlled fart.

Jeff:
I'm so proud!

Ron White:
Other state's are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane

Larry The Cable Guy:
Git 'R Done!

Jeff:
If you think N'Sync is where your dirty dishes are, you might be a redneck.

Jeff:
If you missed fifth grade graduation because you had jury duty, you might be a redneck.

Ron White:
So I flew in here to Phoenix from Flagstaff because my manager doesn't own a globe. He chartered one of those small private jets. I flew here on a plane this big, it was like a pack of gum with eight people in it.We were putzing along. We were going half the speed of *smell!* We got passed by a kite! There was a goose behind us and the pilot was yelling "Go around!" So about halfway through the trip, we start losing oil pressure in one of the engines, and the pilot says we have to turn around. It was a nine minute flight.Couldn't make it with that equipment. He came over the intercom and said "Hey, we're losing oil pressure in one of the engines," which I couldn't understand why he did, because he could have just turned around and said, "Hey, we're losing oil pressure." *"heard'ja"* Everyone else started freaking out, but I had been drinking since lunchtime, so I was like "Take it down! I don't care! Make sure y you hit something hard, 'cause I don't want to limp away from this!" The guy next to me is *losing his mind*. I guess he must have had something to "live for". He says, "Hey man, if one of the engines goes out, how far will the other one take us?" I look at him. "All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty lucky, because that's where we're headed! I bet we beat the paramedics by a good half hour! We're haulin' ass!"