El Nebuloso:
Who is it more important to please: the King of Spain, or God?

El Segundo:
Why, God, of course.

El Nebuloso:
And who is God's personal representative in these parts?

El Segundo:
Why, you, your holy ruthlessness.

El Nebuloso:
Well, God wants to keep all of it.

Yellowbeard:
She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived.

Betty:
When little Dan was two minutes old I tattooed it on his head.

Yellowbeard:
Does he know about this?

Betty:
Oh, no no no, that's why I kept him in the cupboard for three years. That may be why he's a bit odd with all these books, and reading, and stuff like that.

Dan:
Look, if you cut my head off it'll start to putrify!

Yellowbeard:
Do what?

Dan:
Putrify, go rotten!

Yellowbeard:
Yeah, it would ooze a lot, heads do. But I could live with that.

Yellowbeard:
Betrayin's all part of piratin'. If you don't know that you're not even close to being a pirate, "Prawn of my loins", my foot!

Dan:
What?

Yellowbeard:
You're either born a pirate or not! It's in the blood Dan, and it's not in your blood or you'd have betrayed me long ago!

Betty:
That's Yellowbeard.

Yellowbeard:
I'm in disguise, you stupid tart!

Yellowbeard:
Where's the map?

Betty:
What map?

Yellowbeard:
If you say you don't know where it is, I'll nail your tits to the table!

Dan:
Everyone will be following you and if they catch you they'll have the map.

Yellowbeard:
Bugger them! I'll eat it first. Won't be the first head I've eaten.

Betty:
It's been twenty years since we had a little cuddle, and what do you do? Come in and give me a kiss? No, you rush in and hack a hole in the wall.

Betty:
Well, it's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.

Yellowbeard:
I raped ya, if that's what you mean.

Betty:
Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.

Yellowbeard:
I'm sure I killed the last one I raped, it can't have been you.

Betty:
Well, the afterplay was a bit on the rough side, but not fatal dear.

Harvey "Blind" Pew:
It sounded as though there was a bit of a squabble.

Commander Clement:
Squabble? They're all dead!

Harvey "Blind" Pew:
All? Must have been more of a tiff then.

Lady Lambourne:
Stop that man pissin' on the hedge. It's imported!

Troila:
What's happened to Daddy?

Yellowbeard:
I killed him!

Dan:
He's gone to heaven.

Troila:
Aw, that's nice! He sent all his friends there.

Yellowbeard:
With your head on my shoulders we could wreck civilization!

Yellowbeard:
Dying's the easy way out. You won't catch me dying. They'll have to kill me before I die!

Betty:
I think it was the shark what jogged my memory.

Harvey 'Blind' Pew:
I may be blind, but I have acute 'earing.

Commander Clement:
I'm not interested in your jewellery.

Lord Lambourn:
I thought this was an atoll.

Dr. Gilpin:
Not at all.

Betty:
If there's one thing I've learned, it's learning things never taught me nuthin'. And books is the worst.

Flunkie:
The fat one sitting on the throne is the Queen.

Yellowbeard:
Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead.

Betty:
I'm talking about the fruit of your loins.

Yellowbeard:
Fruit of me loins? I haven't got fruit in me loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em, but no fruit!

Mansell:
That wasn't strictly true, was it sir?

Commander Clement:
No, Mansell, it was what we in the British Navy call... a lie.

Betty:
Read, read, read, read! Let me tell you something - last time I read a book, I was raped. Let THAT be a lesson to you.