I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

CPT Phineas J. Tucker:
Gentlemen, I have a very simple policy. What you shove up your ass is your own business.

CPT Phineas J. Tucker:
Whenever, whatever. That's the code.

CPT Phineas J. Tucker:
[When Chuck says he and Larry have always been together, in reference to their shifts in the fire department] So were my balls. Now I only have one of them.

CPT Phineas J. Tucker:
If these two men are gay then I'm a one-legged parrot. Anybody see me with a crutch and a cracker?

CPT Phineas J. Tucker:
And most importantly, they showed us that no matter whom we choose to love, be they heterosexual, homosexual, asexual, bisexual, trisexual, quadrisexual, pansexual, transexual, omnisexual or that thing where the chick ties the belt around your neck and tinkles on a ballon, it has absolutely nothing to do with who we are as people.

[They are both injured from an accident on the job. They are both in hospital beds]

Larry:
Chuck. What's going on, man?

Chuck:
Brace yourself, Larry. What I'm gonna tell you is pretty rough. They removed your entire body. You're nothing but a head now.

Larry:
What?

Chuck:
They said that there was enough fat in your head to rebuild you a new body, so they got scientists in the other room working on it. God willing, you're gonna be alright.

Larry:
Oh, you know, you're such a dick.

Larry:
Domestic partnership.

Chuck:
Domestic partnership? You mean like faggots?

Larry:
No, I mean yeah. But no, not us. Obviously, just on paper.

Chuck:
Paper faggots?

Larry:
Well, the accepted vernacular is "gay"... but yes.

Chuck:
What do you got?

Larry:
Maxi Pads.

Chuck:
What, do we have vaginas now? Put it back!

Chuck:
The only thing I'm doing with my eyes is putting a bag over your head, you toothless moron!

Kevin:
Yeah, yeah! Gay love!

Asian Minister:
Now place the ring on his hand. A ring is like a circle, it goes on forever. It's not like a triangle, triangle have corners. It's like a circle.

Kevin:
Hey, apple dumpling. What's crack-a-lacking?

Chuck:
I'm not an animal! I'm a whore!

[Chuck and Larry are being harassed by homophoic protestors]

Protestor:
[to Chuck] F*ggot!

Chuck:
What did you call me?

Protestor:
F*ggot.

[Chuck punches the protestor out]

Chuck:
The accepted vernacular is "gay"!

Hobo/Witness:
The wires are all in place, and they have tapped all of our phones. And the Chinese government is in on it! And Elizabeth Taylor... is Bigfoot.

Eric:
What happened to your place?

Chuck:
Uh... Roaches. Yeah, big giant roaches. They ate my dog.

Tori:
Bastards.

Larry:
Language!

Eric:
Roaches are so eewwy!

Chuck:
Did ya here that? Roaches are eewwy.

Larry:
'Eewwy' is another word not allowed said in this house. Okay?

Chuck:
I think eewwys a nice word.

Larry:
Shut up.

Chuck:
Eewwy!

They're as straight as can be, but don't tell anyone.

How far would you go for a friend?

Chuck has just found the perfect girl. Too bad he's agreed to marry his best friend.