Penguins of Madagascar

Classified:
Remain calm, penguins. You're now under the protection of the North Wind.

Skipper:
Private, dibble me.

[Private takes a dibble bag out of Rico's body, gives it to Skipper, then he jumps in front of Classified]

Skipper:
We're not going anywhere with you. [munches] We don't even know who the heck you are.

Classified:
The North Wind is an elite undercover inter-spe... [Skipper munches] an elite undercover inter-species... [Skipper munches again] task for... [Skipper munches again] force... [Skipper munches again] dedicated to help... [Skipper munches again] to help... [Skipper munches again] dedicated to... [Skipper munches again] dedicated to helping animals who can't [Skipper munches again] help [Skipper munches again] themselves. [Skipper munches again for the last time, then Classified growls]

Private:
Hello! Are you my family?

[the three penguins turn, knowing that they're far away from land, and nod to each other before turning back to face Private]

Kowalski:
You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry.

Private:
W-What?

[Skipper elbows Kowalski]

Kowalski:
What? I thought that was what we were all nodding about.

Skipper:
[hits Kowalski] No one's gonna die.

[to Private]

Skipper:
You know what you got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other. And if that ain't a family, I don't know what is.

[salutes Private, who salutes back]

Skipper:
[tussles Private's head] So adorable.

[to Kowalski]

Skipper:
Kowalski, what's our trajectory?

Kowalski:
Ninety-five percent certain we're still doomed.

Skipper:
And the, uh... other five percent?

Kowalski:
Adventure and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.

Skipper:
I'll take that action.

Private:
Where are going?

Skipper:
The future, boys. The glorious future.

Skipper:
Follow me, boys! We're going in hot!

Private:
[as his butt goes on fire] Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

Skipper:
No one likes a show off, Private.

[They've arrived in Shanghai]

Kowalski:
We've arrived in the center of Dublin, Ireland.

Skipper:
We gotta blend in. River dance.

[They start river dancing]

Skipper:
Alright, you! Where's Dave?

[repeatedly slaps a baby squid]

Skipper:
Give us the goods.

Kowalski:
Sir, that's a baby squid.

[the baby squid starts crying, then Skipper puts the baby squid down]

Skipper:
Sorry, laddie.

Skipper:
Debbie!

Kowalski:
Dave.

Skipper:
Dave!

Corporal:
He hacked into our system.

[There's no sound onscreen as Dave speaks]

Eva:
Where's the sound?

Kowalski:
Dave, your microphone, it's not on.

Classified:
Click on the button with the picture of the microphone.

Short Fuse:
Every time a villain calls in, this happens.

Dave:
Hello?

[the screen goes off]

Dave:
Hello?

Kowalski:
But, now we can hear you.

Short Fuse:
So annoying!

Kowalski:
But we cannot see.

Short Fuse:
Every time!

Classified:
It's like talking to my parents.

[the penguins have just blown up an old ship]

Skipper:
Kowalski, analysis?

Kowalski:
We are really... awesome at this!

Skipper:
Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, we could do our thing! High one!

[They all high five, until Skipper accidentally hits the egg they saved]

Skipper:
Ooh. My bad.

[the penguins all look in awe as the egg is about to hatch]

Skipper:
Look! It's the miracle of birth.

Kowalski:
A moment of extraordinary beauty.

[Suddenly, Private's egg explodes open, much to the disgust of the three penguins]

Skipper:
Daaagh! That's disgusting! I think I have amniotic sac in my mouth!

Documentary Filmmaker:
Antarctica, an inhospitable wasteland, but even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, we find life. And not just any life: penguins. Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto their chubby bum bums. Who could take these frisky snow-clowns...

[as the older penguins almost fall on baby Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski, they quickly move out of the way]

Skipper:
Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to?

Antarctic Penguin:
Who cares?

Antarctic Penguin:
I question nothing.

Antarctic Penguin:
Me too.

Antarctic Penguin:
Me too.

Skipper:
Well, fine. We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.

[they flap their wings but cannot fly]

Kowalski:
Skipper, we appears to be flightless.

Skipper:
[looks at his wings] Oh, well what's the point of these?

[Rico seems to have an idea. He hits Skipper's wing in some sort of high five]

Skipper:
Woah, I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What're we going to call it? Let's call it the, uh... high one.

Skipper:
You're up, Private.

[Private comes out behind a "Wet Floor" sign, dressed as a mermaid]

Skipper:
You just mermaid my day.

Classified:
Short Fuse, you were supposed to handcuff them to the raft!

Short Fuse:
I tried, but they don't have hands, they just have flippers, Boss! And I have flippers. So it's flipping useless!

[the Penguins are dressed as German folk musicians]

Skipper:
We take this shame to our graves.

Kowalski:
Agreed.

[slap dance starts]

(Octopus chasing penguins)

Private:
Got baddies at 6 o clock!

Skipper:
Kowalski battle formation! So ya squeegies wanna do the gondola mambo? Let's dance (Octopus squirts him) Mother of pearl that stings! Lost visuals. Kowalski be my eyes

Kowalski:
Left right right up! Duck!

Skipper:
I think I got em

Tigger:
They are down Skippy

Skipper:
Excelente

Private:
Skipper wouldn't care. Plan or no! Fancy equipment or no! He'd never leave a man behind!

Classified:
I suppose we can't all be penguins can we?

Private:
No but maybe you guys should be

(Private and his pals had a job to do They needed to save his friends)

Classified:
We are the North Wind, and no one, NO ONE, breaks the Wind.

Dave:
Nicolas! Cage them!

Kowalski:
Sir, how long do we stand here like this?

Skipper:
Until we reach maximum coolness.

[Beat]

Skipper:
There it is.

Skipper:
Leopard seals! Nature's snakes.

Kowalski:
Aren't snakes nature's snakes?

Skipper:
How should I know? I live on a flippin' frozen tundra!

Dave:
The only thing that has kept me going all these years is my BURNING thirst for revenge...

[Skipper and Kowalski are confused]

Dave:
...and my precious souvenir snow globe collection.

[sees Rico swallowing all of his snow globes]

Dave:
[groans] What is WRONG with you?

Rico:
[mumbles] I dunno.

Dave:
Drew! Barry! More power!

Dave:
Charlize, they're on the ray! Helen, hunt them down! William, hurt them! Halle, bury them! Hugh! Jack! Man the battle stations! Kevin! Bake on! We're still going to need that victory cake!

Private:
So... how do I look?

Kowalski:
You're hideously disfigured and will probably be hunted for sport.

Private:
What?

[Skipper elbows Kowalski]

Kowalski:
What?

Skipper:
If there's anything we've learned from this delightful adventure, KOWALSKI, it's that looks don't matter. It's what you do that counts.

[overwhelmed with emotion]

Skipper:
And look at what you did.

[the penguins from different countries look at Private, to his delight. Baby penguins pop out from behind parent penguins]

Skipper:
Yes, sir. You are the most meaningful and valued member of this team.

[Private salutes Skipper, who salutes back. Kowalski and Rico salute as well. Skipper does Private's salute by crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue. Private did the same and laughs. All the penguins and the North Wind cheer for Private]

[when Dave breaks in his own ray to get Private]

Private:
Hi-ya!

[punches Dave in the face with his butt-hand]

[as Dave prepares to use his ray on Private]

Kowalski:
You're the monster!

Dave:
[angrily] Yes! I'm the monster. Everyone made that clear to me every day in my entire life. But now, let's see how much everyone loves YOU when YOU'RE the monster!

Classified:
What is that?

[they see numerous painful weapons as they are going to be killed on the ride]

Classified:
Oh, great.

Short Fuse:
Oh, no! This it it!

Corporal:
I don't wanna die, I'm squishy!

[before they are killed by one of the weapons, the ride stops and goes reverse to see Private knocked out the squid controlling the ride]

Classified:
OH NO, WE'RE DEAD! DEAD! DEAAAAAAAAAAD!

Private:
[to the North Wind team] I pushed a button!

Dave:
[holding a microphone] I'M HAPPY! And yet...

[realizes his revenge succeeded]

Dave:
Now, that I have my revenge, I feel... empty. As if, what I needed all along was... MORE REVENGE! In fact, Robin, write this down. Tomorrow, we move on: Kittens, then Puppies, Bunnies, Pandas...

[he sees the Penguins' using his ray, gasping, then is angry]

Dave:
[talking to his minions on the microphone] Charlize, they're on the ray!

[he runs and rips off his human disguise]

Dave:
Helen, hunt them down! William, hurt them! Halle, bury them! Hugh! Jack! Man the battle stations! Kevin! Bake on! We're still going to need that victory cake!

Skipper:
[Dave drops from the ceiling in human disguise] Who are you?

Dave:
The humans know me as Doctor Octavius Brine, renowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives... but you know me by a different, much older name. A name perhaps you hoped you'd never hear again. A PHANTOM! A shadow of a former life! I... AM...

[rips off disguise, but wig remains on his head]

Dave:
Dave!

Skipper:
[Whispers] Kowalski?

Kowalski:
[Whispers back] Sorry, sir, no clue.

Dave:
[Looks up, sees the wig on his head, and pulls it off] Dave!

Skipper:
Dave?

Kowalski:
Dave...?

Dave:
Dave!

Private:
[Smiles] Dave!

Dave:
[Annoyed] DA-VUH!

Rico:
[Rolls his eyes] Bleh.

Skipper:
[after waking up from being tranquilized] What did North Wind do to us?

Private:
[Turns around and shows the dart stuck in his back] They gave us badges!

Skipper:
[Snatches the dart from his own shoulder] No, not badges... Tranquilizer darts! [Looks around and realizes they're in a plane] Classified. That low-down, dirty dog is trying to kick us off the mission!

Kowalski:
He thinks we can't do anything because we're just [makes quotation marks with his flippers] "penguins".

Skipper:
Well, penguins are our flesh and feathers! They're US! And if anyone's going to save us, it's us.

Kowalski:
But sir, we've got to be five miles up. That pretty much limits our options.

Skipper:
I MAKE MY OWN OPTIONS. [Punches the button closest to him, which opens the cargo hatch]

Classified:
Just tell me everything you know.

Skipper:
All right!

[Inaudible word]

Skipper:
Never trust a Dutchman in a tulip fight.

Classified:
[taking notes] Tulip fight...

Skipper:
Canada is secretly training an army of Sasquatch.

Classified:
Sasquatch...

Skipper:
Hot dogs are, in fact, only 17% actual dog.

Classified:
[exasperated] Not everything-everything! Everything regarding your abduction by Dr. Octavius Brine...

Skipper:
Aaaah! Why didn't you say so?

Documentary filmmaker:
[narrating] Antarctica, an inhospitable wasteland, but even here, on the Earth's frozen bottom, we find life. [the wind blows away the snow, revealing an egg and it rolls down the hill] And not just any life… penguins. Joyous, frolicking, waddling, cute and cuddly life. Look at them, tumbling onto their chubby bum bums. Who could take these frisky snow-clowns...?

[The older penguins almost fall on baby Skipper, Rico, and Kowalski. They move out of the way]

Skipper:
[interrupting the narration] Seriously? Does anyone even know where we're marching to?

Penguin #1:
Who cares?

Penguin #2:
I question nothing.

Penguin #3:
Me, too.

Penguin #4:
Me, too.

Skipper:
Well, fine. We'll just fly to the front of the line and see for ourselves. Kowalski, Rico, engage aerial surveillance.

[they flap their wings but cannot fly]

Kowalski:
Skipper, we appear to be flightless.

Skipper:
[looks at his wings] Oh, well, what's the point of these? [Rico seems to have an idea. He hits Skipper's wing in some sort of high 5] Whoa, I like it! Hey, this could be our thing! What're we gonna call it? Let's call it the, uh... high 1. [the egg rolled passed Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico] Hey, anybody see that? That's an egg! Is somebody gonna go get it?

Penguin #5:
We can't do that.

Skipper:
Why not?

Penguin #6:
Well, it's a dangerous world out there and we're just penguins. You know, nothing but cute and cuddly.

Penguin #7:
Yeah. Why do you think there are always documentary crews filming us? [camera zooms out to see two men with a camera and a microphone for filming]

Penguin #8:
Well, sorry, kid. You know, we lose a few eggs every year. It's just nature.

Skipper:
Oh, right, nature. I guess that makes sense, but something... something deep down in my gut tells me that it just doesn't make any sense at all. You know what? I reject nature! [the other penguins gasp] Who's with me? [with a shout, Skipper goes after the egg, much to Kowalski's and Rico's confusion]

[The penguins have just blown up an old ship]

Skipper:
Kowalski, analysis?

Kowalski:
We are really... awesome at this!

Skipper:
Boys, we did it! Mission accomplished! Hey, we can do our thing! High 1! [they all high 1, until Skipper accidentally hits the egg they just saved] Ooh. My bad.

Rico:
Uh-oh.

[The penguins all look in awe as the egg is about to hatch]

Skipper:
Look, it's... it's the miracle of birth.

Kowalski:
A moment... of extraordinary beauty.

[Suddenly, the egg explodes open, much to the disgust of the 3 penguins]

Skipper:
Daaagh!! That is disgusting! I think I have amniotic sac in my mouth!

[Much to the surprise of the 3 penguins, the newly hatched Private gets up, but look at him lovingly]

Private:
Hello! Are you my family?

[the 3 penguins turn, knowing that they're far away from land, and nod to each other before turning back to face Private]

Kowalski:
You don't have a family, and we're all going to die. Sorry.

Private:
[concerned] Wh-wha...?

[Skipper elbows Kowalski]

Kowalski:
What? I-I thought that was what we were all nodding about.

Skipper:
[hits Kowalski again] No one's gonna die! [to Private] You know what you've got, kid? You've got us. We've got each other, and if that ain't a family, I don't know what is. [salutes Private, who salutes back; Skipper tussles Private's head] So adorable. Kowalski, what's our trajectory?

Kowalski:
95% certain we're still doomed.

Skipper:
And the, uh... other 5%?

Kowalski:
Adventuring and glory like no penguins have ever seen before.

Skipper:
I'll take that action.

Private:
Where are we going?

Skipper:
The future, boys. The glorious future.

Skipper:
10 years ago, on this very day, a tiny egg hatched, and our world got a little cuter. So tonight, Private, we celebrate your birthday by infiltrating the United States Gold Depository in Fort Knox, Kentucky.

[At the gold depository of Fort Knox]

Skipper:
Private, if you could have anything you wanted in the whole wide world, what would it be?

Private:
Well, gee, Skipper. I think to be a meaningful and valued member of this team.

Skipper:
Oh, well, we got you something else.

[Camera pans to a vending machine in the break room]

Private:
A vending machine?

Skipper:
Well, not just any vending machine, Private. The last remaining home in America's nanny states for those succulent and chemically-hazerdous bits of puffed heaven called...

Private:
[gasps] Cheezy Dibbles!

Skipper:
[gives Private a coin] Happy ding-dong birthday, ya little scamp!

[In response, Private pecks Skipper on the cheek, followed by Kowalski, finally giving one to Rico, only for the latter to hold Private for 10 seconds]

Skipper:
You mess with the bull, you get the horns, Private. Now hit that machine and get your present. [Private tosses the coin into the machine and tries to reach in the slot to get the bag] We just broke in the most secure facility in North America. Do you know what that means?

Kowalski:
We're wanted criminals who will be on the lam for the rest of their lives, always feeling the hot breath of Johnny Law on our necks?

Skipper:
No! It means, as elite units go, we're the elitist of the elite. Top shelf in the bureau. The penultimate... +1. [as Private struggles to get the packet out from the vending machine he ends up getting pulled into the machine] Where'd Private go?

[they walk over closer to the vending machine]

Kowalski:
Oh, there he is. [the penguins see Private is stuck up in the machine] D3.

Skipper:
Oh, Private. How much is he?

Kowalski:
He's $3.50, sir.

Skipper:
Well, that's outrageous... even for Private.

[Suddenly, an octopus tentacle comes out of the vending machine slot, grabs Rico and takes him into the machine]

Kowalski:
Sir, the machine is alive!

[the octopus tentacle comes out of the vending machine again and takes Kowalski]

Skipper:
[angrily] Well, I don't think I like your attitude, vending machine… or your prices! [in battle stance] Release them! [the tentacle comes back out and grabs Skipper in]

[The penguins, having been captured by the vending machine are flown to a submarine in Venice; Skipper looks around from the cage]

Skipper:
Kowalski, analysis.

Kowalski:
All evidence indicates... [his stomach grumbles] Oooh, I ate too many Cheezy Dibbles. [Private coughs out an orange cloud of dust]

Skipper:
We're behind enemy lines and incredibly thirsty. Rico, bust us out of these delicious prison. [Rico sticks out his tongue holding a paper clip and uses it to unlock the cage door.] Nice work, Rico. You're a meaningful and valued member of this team. [As the penguins exit the cage, Private becomes upset. Then he looks at the paper clip, takes it and swallows it. He tries coughing it up, but no success] Private, quit lollygagging… and regular gagging.

Private:
Sorry.

Skipper:
It's dark and ominous. 2 of my least favorite traits in a room.

Private:
Ooh, look, a button!

Skipper:
Huh? Private, don't! [Private pushes the button anyway and the platform underneath them descends and they drop down to another room] Now what have I told you about–?

Private:
[presses another button] Sorry, what? [A giant ray wheels to them and a laser pops out pointing at the penguins]

Kowalski:
It looks like some sort of giant laser sent to kill us all, sir. [Skipper steps back from the laser's angle]

Private:
Ooh, another one!

Skipper, Kowalski and Rico:
NO! [they stop Private from pushing the button. Suddenly, drops of water comes down on the panel and on the flippers. The penguins look up to see a scientist in a white lab coat and red hair.]

Scientist:
Naughty, naughty. Pretty birds belong in their cages. [seen walking on the catwalk, but the camera shows that he is walking upside down. He drops down and his limbs are tangled up. The penguins groan in disgust. The scientist gets himself in that tangled position and screws his head right]

Penguins:
Ew!

Scientist:
Now, that's just hurtful. [untangles himself] And I was so happy to see you again, Skipper… [Skipper gasps] ...Kowalski, Rico, and sweet little Private. [flicks Private's beak] Boop!

Skipper:
Who are you?

Scientist:
The humans know me as Dr. Octavius Brine - enowned geneticist, cheese enthusiast, and frequent donor to NPR pledge drives… but you know me by a different, much older name. A name perhaps you hope you'd never hear again, a phantom, a shadow of a former life! I... am... [a purple octopus emerges from the costume of Dr. Brine] Dave!

[the penguins gave long surprised looks at Dave with the Dr. Brine wig still on his head]

Skipper:
Kowalski?

Kowalski:
Sorry, sir. No clue.

Dave:
[takes off the hairpiece] (That's better.) Dave!

Kowalski:
Dave...

Dave:
Dave.

Skipper:
Dave?

Dave:
Dave.

Private:
Dave.

Dave:
Dave!

Rico:
[rolls his eyes] Bleh.

[Dave gives a confused look. A cricket chirp is heard. The penguins look down to see a cricket doing the chirp, who then stops]

A cricket:
Sorry. [leaves, then stops and turns] Wait, wait. Uh, I live this way. [leaves] (Carry on!)

Skipper:
Go ahead, Dan, continue.

Dave:
(Now… where were we? Oh, right.) You seriously don't remember me?

Skipper:
Dave! Dave! Right! Oh yeah, long time. Uh, how's the wife?

Dave:
[punches the wall above Skipper's head] I've never been married! You may not remember me, but I could never forget... you. [grabs a snow globe and shakes it] Let's shake up some old memories. New York City - the Central Park Zoo. [scene changes showing years ago at the Central Park Zoo, showing Dave's old tank, where he entertains people with his tricks] Life was good. Roomy tank, great location, monkey house views, and of course, my adoring legions of fans!

Girl:
Cool!

Dave:
[voiceover] Dave the octopus of 1,000 tricks! [his tentacle goes through his ear bringing a ball through]

Boy:
Awesome!

Dave:
[voiceover] I was the total package. [takes a jar and squeezes himself in and squirts ink making him hover]

Dad:
Hey, kids! Get up here! You need to see this!

Mother:
Come on, kids! Come on!

[Dave, confused, comes out of the water and sees baby Skipper, Kowalski, Rico and Private]

Dave:
[voiceover] And then you arrived...

Man:
Oh, they're so adorable!

Baby Skipper:
Just, uh... smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave.

Dave:
[voiceover] ...And took everything from me.

Girl:
They're so adorable!

Woman:
Have you ever seen anything cute?

[Dave has been taken from his tank and put in a box in a truck]

Dave:
[voiceover] 4 adorable baby penguins! With you around, no one wanted an old octopus anymore.

Zookeeper:
Out you go, Dave!

[scene changes to the San Diego Zoo, with Dave in his tank next to a penguin exhibit]

Dave:
And so it went, over and over again. At Zoo...

Girl:
Dad look!

Dave:
After aquarium.

Penguin Fan:
I can't see the penguins, man! [a zookeeper rolls Dave away]

Dave:
[voiceover] Adorable penguins stole the show.

Penguin Fan:
Whoo! Yeah!

'[Dave is shipped to the Brazil zoo, when people watch the penguins dance. Dave stares there sad as an employee goes to the restroom and water is let out of Dave's tank.]

Dave:
While I was shunned… forgotten… unwanted… [flashback ends] ...Alone.

Private:
That sounds awful!

Dave:
Oh, it was. I came to realize some creatures are born to get all the love. The rest of us get nothing! The only thing that has kept me going all these years is my burning thirst for revenge! [Skipper and Kowalski stare confusedly] And my precious souvenir snow globe collection. [sees Rico swallowing all the snow globes] Ah! What is wrong with you?!

Rico:
[mumbles] I dunno.

Skipper:
Oh, Daryl, Daryl, Daryl. You can't blame us for what happened to you.

Dave:
[grabs a canister of green goop] Uh, can! That's how this whole revenge thing works! And with this, I've finally have the power to destroy you!

Private:
Crikey!

Skipper:
So you squiggies wanna do the gondola mambo? Then let's dance. [one of the henchmen squirts ink in Skipper's eyes, blinding him] Ah! Mother of pearl, that stings! I lost visuals! Kowalski, be my eyes!

Skipper:
[the penguins are cornered in an alley by Dave's henchmen] Alright, boys, battle stance.

Kowalski:
[exhausted] We're in battle stance, sir. [Rico takes the sock off Skipper's head]

Skipper:
Oh, good. Now, we spring our trap.

[One of Dave's henchmen grabs the mandolin of the gondolier and smashes it, who runs away]

Kowalski:
I'm not sure they're the ones that are trapped, sir.

Skipper:
Kowalski, remember our little talk about true but unhelpful comments?

Kowalski:
Yes, sir.

Skipper:
Sometimes we just have to wing it.

[An owl swoops down, grabs one of the octopi and throws him in a window; Kowalski stares amazed]

Kowalski:
Wow...

[A seal pops out of a light bulb, throws a flash grenade at the other octopus, which explodes, pushes him backwards to the wall. The telephone booth changes shape, revealing a polar bear pulling out a taser, shocking the last octopus, who goes through the sewer grate]

Kowalski:
Sorry for underestimating the plan, Skipper.

Skipper:
It's okay, Kowalski. Just don't ever doubt me again. Now what the heck is going on?! [a plane flies over the rooftops and a wolf drops down and lands in front of them]

Classified:
Remain calm, penguins. You are now under the protection of the North Wind. [shows a badge] You're welcome.

[The penguins have been rescued by the North Wind, they are on the plane and flies off]

Corporal:
Oh my gosh. You guys are so cute! [grabs the penguins and hugs them tightly] And cuddly!

Skipper:
Hey, get away! [slaps Corporal's lower jaw] No more hugs!

Corporal:
It's like being licked by a basketful of doggy dogs.

Classified:
[sighs] Corporal, Corporal! Chart a course back to North Wind Headquarters. [Corporal puts the penguins down, makes a heart sign with his paws before typing a computer] Eva, inform them we’re bringing in witnesses.

Skipper:
Private, dibble me. [Private takes a dibble bag out of Rico's body, gives it to Skipper, then he jumps in front of the NW leader] We're not going anywhere with you. [munches] We don't even know who the heck you are.

Classified:
The North Wind is an elite undercover inter-species— [Skipper munches, the NW wolf looks at him] The North Wind is an elite undercover inter-spec— [Skipper munches again] ...An elite undercover inter-species— [Skipper munches again] ...Task– [Skipper munches again] ...Force– [Skipper munches again] ...Dedicated to help– [Skipper munches again] ...Helping– [Skipper munches again] ...Dedicated to– [Skipper munches again; Classified growls annoyed] ...Dedicated– [Skipper munches again; Classified finishes his sentence while Skipper is munching] ...Dedicated to helping animals who can't– [Skipper munches again] ...Help– [Skipper munches again] ...Themselves… [Skipper munches again for the last time] ...Like penguins.

Skipper:
Really, and you are...?

Classified:
My name is classified.

Skipper:
Classified, eh? What is that, uh, Dutch? Can't really hear the accent.

"Classified":
Excuse me?

Skipper:
There's the accent.

Agent "Classified":
No, my (actual) name isn't "Classified", my name is classified (meaning I'm not telling you my real name) because I am the leader of this strike team. The seal is Short Fuse, weapons and explosives. The bear is Corporal, he’s our muscle. And the owl is Eva, intelligence and analysis.

Skipper:
Well, Agent Classified, we happen to be an elite unit too. [accidentally steps on a button which starts an alarm]

Voice:
Self-destruct sequence activated.

Skipper:
You know, you should really label these things. [Classified pushes the button again, turning the self-destruct off]

Voice:
3… 2… 1…

Skipper:
The name's Skipper. I run this outfit. That there is Kowalski, he's the brains of our operation. Say something smart, Kowalski.

Kowalski:
[staring awestruck at Eva] Uhhh... [Eva looks back at Kowalski]

Skipper:
See? He's working on a whole 'nother level.

Classified:
All right, tiny penguins. The best way for the North Wind to protect helpless animals like yourselves, is to bring Dr. Brine to justice. Now you were in his sub, so I need to know everything you know. [the penguins are relaxing and enjoying the chairs and they raised them up high, giving a cheer] [almost losing his patience] Just tell me everything you know.

Skipper:
All right. [lowers chair, same with the other penguins] Numero uno - never trust a Dutchman in a tulip fight.

Classified:
[takes notes] "Tulip fight..."

Skipper:
Canada is secretly training an army of Sasquatch.

Classified:
Sasquatch.

Skipper:
Hot dogs are in fact only 17% actual dog.

Classified:
17%… Not everything everything! [shows Skipper a board of evidence of the victim with a picture of a sheep next to it] Just everything regarding your abduction by Dr. Octavius Brine!

Skipper:
Ah! Why didn't you say so?

Classified:
[confused] What?

Skipper:
My team has uncovered that Dr. Octavius Brine is actually an individual known as Derek.

Kowalski:
Dave.

Skipper:
...As Dave the octopus.

Short Fuse:
An octopus? [laughs] No, no, Dr. Brine is not an octopus. He's...

Classified:
[stands in front of the picture of the sheep] An octopus! [clears throat] Precisely! That's exactly what our intel indicated. [puts the picture in trash bin and whispers into his wrist watch] Release the sheep. [at a barn, the sheep is kicked out and eats grass. Back at North Wind headquarters] What you, of course could not know, is that Dr. Brine's laboratory in Venice is secretly developing a doomsday weapon called the "Medusa Serum".

Skipper:
Ah, but what you don't know is that Dirk...

Kowalski:
Dave.

Skipper:
...Dave won't be using his Bazooka Serum...

Kowalski:
Medusa Serum.

Skipper:
...Medusa Serum on anybody.

Kowalski:
That part is accurate.

Skipper:
Show him, Rico.

[Rico spits out the vial containing the Medusa Serum]

Classified:
You... you stole the Medusa Serum( while you were capture)?

Skipper:
Well, stole the serum, saved the day, did your job for you. Call it what you will.[Suddenly, the screen goes on, revealing Dave] Debbie!

Kowalski:
Dave.

Skipper:
Dave!

Corporal:
He hacked into our system.

[There's no sound on-screen as Dave speaks]

Eva:
Where's the sound? I can't hear anything.

Kowalski:
Dave, your microphone, it's not on.

Classified:
Click on the button with the picture of the microphone.

Short Fuse:
Every time a villain calls in, this happens.

Dave:
Hello? [the screen goes off] Hello?

Kowalski:
But now we can hear you.

Short Fuse:
So annoying!

Kowalski:
But we cannot see you.

Short Fuse:
Every time!

Classified:
It's like talking to my parents.

Dave:
[comes back on the screen] How about now?

[everyone cheers in agreement]

Classified:
Yes, that's fantastic.

Dave:
Alright. Now, where was I? (Oh, yeah.) [starts doing an evil laugh]

Kowalski:
Dave!

Dave:
(Anyways, as I was saying...) Greetings, North Wind. I see you've met my old zoo mates.

Skipper:
We were never mates. There was no mating.

Classified:
Turn yourself in, David. You're powerless now that I've stolen your precious Medusa Serum.

Skipper:
What, you? You didn't steal that!

Classified:
It's over.

Dave:
It's over? Then why did I call you? Weird. (No, wait. Why did I call you guys again? Uh... Ah, right. Got it.) Oh, maybe it was to show you this! [turns the camera to show them a giant vial containing the Serum; everyone gasps with shock]

Kowalski:
That is a lot of serum for 4 penguins.

Dave:
Oh, you thought this was just about you 4? No. No, no, no, no. We're just getting started. [takes a selfie with a camera] Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go do some shopping... for revenge! [presses the button to turn off the screen but nothing happens, he presses it again but nothing happens] (For re–) Wait. How do you...? [turns to his octopus thugs for help] What do I push, is it the red or...? I thought it was... it's not this– [presses something and the screen goes blank; the picture of Dave in front of the serum comes out of the printer]

[the Penguins are in a box on a plane to Madagascar]

Skipper:
Ugh, where the heck are we?

Kowalski:
Oxygen content is low. I suggest we limit our breathing.

[Then the sound of a fart broke the silence.]

Skipper:
Aw, Private!

[The three Penguins rip holes on the box to breathe for air.]

Private:
Sorry. I get gassy when I fly.

Skipper:
Toot sweet! He does!

Kowalski:
We must be on a plane! [The Penguins move the box to be free. They have darts on their necks and a dart on Private’s butt.] What did North Wind do to us?

Private:
Look! They gave us badges!

[The Penguins take off the darts.]

Skipper:
Not badges, tranquilizer darts! Classified! That low-down dirty dog is trying to kick us off the mission!

Kowalski:
He thinks we can't save the penguins because we're just "penguins".

Skipper:
Well, penguins are our flesh and feather! They're us, and if anyone's gonna save us, it's us.

Kowalski:
But, Skipper, we've gotta be 5 miles up. That pretty much limits our options.

Skipper:
I make my own options. [hits a button, the hatch opens and boxes come flying out with the penguins]

[the North Wind are investigating the Penguin Habitat at a zoo in Brazil]

Eva:
Penguin footprints, still warm. We just missed Dave.

Classified:
[knowing Dave had already been there] Blast it! (We're already too late.) He's gone.

Corporal:
So many penguins! [starts panicking and stress-eating]

Short Fuse:
Boss, he's stress-eating again!

Classified:
Corporal?

Eva:
[to Corporal] There, there.

Short Fuse:
[rubbing Corporal] Rub the angry out of the tummy.

Classified:
Coporal? Fo... Focus. We are going to save those helpless penguins because we are the North Wind! And no one, no one, breaks the wind!

Corporal:
[salutes] No one breaks the wind!

Classified:
There's a good Corporal. [to Eva] How come there's beeping?

Eva:
[looking at the beeping screen] Sir, those penguins... They never made it to Madagascar.

Classified:
[shocked] What? Well, where the dickens are they?

[The penguins pop out of the sewer; Rico spits out some sand.]

Skipper:
Kowalski, what are our coordinates?

Kowalski:
According to my calculations, we're arrived in the center of Dublin, Ireland.

[The camera zooms out to reveal that the penguins actually arrived in Shanghai, China instead of Dublin, Ireland.]

Skipper:
Alright, soldiers, we gotta blend in. River dance.

[they start river dancing]

Skipper:
No time to kiss the Blarney stone, boys. We need to find intel on Dave's location.

Short Fuse:
[The Penguins and the North Wind are arguing as to who should turned in Dr. Octavius Brine after having dropped a whale skeleton on him] We flattened him.

[They push Dr. Octavius Brine aside only to reveal an Open Sewer hatch leading to the pipes of the tanks, knowing that Dave is loose]

Kowalski:
Drat, Dave is his.

[Having made it to the tank of Mermaid Penguins which Private had been placed into, Dave drains the tank sending all the Penguins in it including Private into his tentacles]

Skipper:
Private! No!

Private:
[As he gets pulled into the drain with the other penguins in the tank] Skipper, help!

[The Penguins and North Wind sulk in despair, as not only has Private been captured, but now Dave has captured all the Penguins from every zoo around the world]

Kowalski:
Sir, Dave’s pulling ahead. We are too heavy.

Skipper:
[groans] Curse our heavily Cheese dibbled diet!

[when Rico is throwing away every loose item out of the North Wind’s plane]

Kowalski:
That's everything, sir.

Skipper:
Have you purged the chemical toilet?

Kowalski:
But Rico was in there for 15 minutes!

Skipper:
JUST DO IT!

Skipper:
[after finding out that Classified put homing devices on them] You low down, filthy, mangy, bum-sniffing, TOILET DRINKER! [slight pause] But... good.

Classified:
You see? I told you. You should've left this to the professionals.

Dave:
[inside his lair after he's captured the last of the penguins from zoos around the world] Ahoy there, penguins! I bet you're dying to know why I brought you all here!

Random Penguin:
He's gonna kill us all!

Dave:
What? No. My Medusa Serum doesn't kill anyone. Where's the fun in that?

Private:
So, what does it do?

Dave:
Something much, much worse.

Private:
Right! But like what especially?

Dave:
[to himself] Well, that's exactly what I came up here to show you. All I need is a test subject.[pulls out a random cricket] Hello little buggy-boo!

Cricket:
Is this about the chirping? Cause I could... Whoa! Whoa! [Dave throws the group and hands it over to one of his henchman]

Dave:
Behold! as I unleash the full power of the Medusa Serum! [to his other henchman] Fire! [fires the ray containing the Medusa Serum at the cricket, mutating it into a larger state that even replaces his once cute looking face into one monstrous. All the penguins gasp] Yes! It works! I made a monster! I made a monster! And all you adorable penguins are next!

Private:
Crikey!

Dave:
Who said that? No. No. No. [rushes over to the cage he caught Private in] Yes! Gentleman, you remember Private.

Private:
You'll never get away with this Dave! My brothers are coming, and they're gonna get you, and together we'll take a wrecking ball to your whole rotten operation.

Dave:
Call off the hunt everyone. Turns out the elite unit will be coming to us. Boop.

Classified:
[to Short Fuse] Short Fuse, you were supposed to handcuff them to the raft!

Skipper:
Don't you hologram me! [turns off the hologram]

Short Fuse:
I tried, but they don't have hands. They just have flippers, boss, and-and I have flippers, so it's flipping useless!

Skipper:
All right, pooch. If you won't work with us, you better work for us. Our plan requires a diversion.

Classified:
I give the orders around here and as much as it pains me to say this, I need you to act as the die-version for our operation, understood?

Skipper:
No. This is our plan and it requires you to cause a diversion!

Classified:
Die-version.

Skipper:
Deh-version.

Classified:
Die!

Skipper:
Deh!

[Skipper and Classified continue arguing pronouncing diversion; Eva lands in front of them]

Eva:
Gentlemen, there's only one way to resolve this.

Kowalski:
We should kiss.

Eva:
Plan-off.

Kowalski:
Yep. Plan-off. That's what I was gonna say. Plan-off...

[the North Wind have entered Dave’s sub ready to capture him while the Penguins distract his henchmen]

Classified:
Alright, Dave, put your tentacles up. [Dave raises 2 tentacles] All 8 of them.

Dave:
[Turns around in his chair to face the North Wind smiling] I was hoping you'd say that.

[The North Wind drop their weapons with no clue on how to capture Dave]

[as Dave prepares to use his ray on Private]

Dave:
Who's ready to move into live penguin testing?

Skipper:
You point that death ray away from Private right now!

Private:
It's not a death ray, Skipper! He's gonna turn us into monsters!

Dave:
Yepper-doo! "And what comes next, Dave?" Invasion! Ahhh! Horrible mutant penguins released on the streets of New York City!

Kowalski:
You're the monster!

Dave:
[angrily] Yes! I'm the monster. Everyone made that clear to me every day of my entire life. But now, let's see how much everyone loves you when you’re the monster!

Private:
Skipper!

Skipper:
You can't take away Private's cuteness!

Kowalski:
He's the cute one! [Rico grunts in agreement] That's-that's his thing!

Private:
What?

Skipper:
It's all the little guy's got! [Private rolls his eyes]

Dave:
Hmm, you are super cute. We'd better crank this up. Drew, Barry! More power! Ready.

Kowalski:
Negotiation have broken down.

Skipper:
Rico, the paper clip! But us out of here! We need that paperclip.

[after everyone thought Private was killed]

Skipper:
Private.

Kowalski:
Oh, no.

Dave:
I disintegrated him. That wasn't supposed to happen.

Kowalski:
You maniac! You blew him up! [Rico whimpers]

Skipper:
No...

Dave:
Oh well. This is why we test things, people. I'll have to lower the power for the others. Full speed ahead, gentlemen. The monsters are due in Manhattan.

Kowalski:
Sir,We’ve arrived in the center of Dublin,Ireland

Skipper:
River dance

*does River dance*