Tales of Monkey Island: Chapter 4 - The Trial and Execution of Guybrush Threepwood

Elaine Marley:
I knew it all along! With or without all that voodoo, you're still nothing but an evil sack of scumm!

LeChuck - Human:
Correction, my sweet: I'm an evil sack of scumm who's about to plunder the grandest treasure in all creation. But I be willin' to share my booty, if ye catch me drift...

Elaine Marley:
What?

LeChuck - Human:
Oh, come now, my love. You can't deny what we've shared these past few weeks. The chummy camaraderie, the kind words, the stolen glances. I know you've developed feelings for me. Join me as my demon bride and together we'll lay a bloody siege to the very heart of voodoo itself!

Elaine Marley:
[seething] Go to hell, LeChuck.

LeChuck - Human:
Well... you can't say I didn't try.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[dying after being stabbed by LeChuck] Elaine? Do me a favor.

Elaine Marley:
Anything.

LeChuck - Human:
[absorbing energy from La Esponja Grande] ARRR! That be the stuff!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Kick his two-faced butt for me.

Elaine Marley:
From M?l?e to Monkey and all the islands in between, my love...

LeChuck - Demon:
Aren't you dead yet? I've got wedding plans to make!

Guybrush Threepwood:
LeChuck, my new best pal! How'd you get out of jail?

LeChuck - Human:
Oh, the guard was more than happy to release me once I convinced him that it was the only way to win Elaine's hand in unholy matrimony.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Wait, unholy what?

LeChuck - Human:
Unholy this! [stabs Guybrush]

Elaine Marley:
Guybrush!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[collapsing] Elaine?

Elaine Marley:
GUYBRUSH!

LeChuck - Human:
LECHUCK! [laughs] This name-shouting is jolly good fun!

[last lines]

LeChuck - Demon:
Out of respect for the newly-deceased, I feel I should point out that you wave your sword like a dairy farmer.

Elaine Marley:
How appropriate... YOU fight like a Pox-infected undead cow!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Could you give the court some idea of what a fine, upstanding pirate your husband is?

Elaine Marley:
Well, let's see. When I first met him, he was breaking into my mansion to steal a statue. Later, after shanghaiing a crew to take him to Monkey Island, he totally failed to rescue me from the evil clutches of the Ghost Pirate LeChuck, so I had to dress up a couple of monkeys in a bridal gown!

Guybrush Threepwood:
This may have been a bad line of questioning...

Elaine Marley:
[later]... then he left me hanging over a pit while he went looking for the Treasure of Big Whoop. I didn't hear from him for three years after that! [later]... turned me into a bleedin' statue! [later]... left the seat up! Oh, and that's not even mentioning all the times I've found myself tied up, manacled, or otherwise incarcerated because of his blithering IDIOCY!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Hey Stan, why don't you represent me, for old times' sake?

Stan:
You mean those "old times" when you swindled me out of a ship, stuck me in a coffin for three months, scammed my insurance company, and got me involved with high risk doubloon derivatives?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Um, yes?

Stan:
Sorry, kid. Nothing personal, but I stand to make a bundle in legal fees off these honked-off Flotsamites. They really don't like you!

[Guybrush and Elaine are captured by De Singe]

Elaine Marley:
I can't believe I ever married a dullard like you!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Y'know, once I cure you of the Pox that's making you say all these mean things, you're gonna owe me a *lot* of smoochies.

Elaine Marley:
I wouldn't smooch you with *his* lips, cabin boy!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Elaine and Morgan are fighting] Elaine, sugarcakes, let's stop fighting and work this out over a nice cold lite grog.

Elaine Marley:
It's her head or yours, bilge-boy!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Or you two can just figure out this little misunderstanding on your own! I'll be over here appreciating my head's ability to stay attached to my neck.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Can't you two just work it out over a nice grog-a-tini?

Morgan LeFlay:
*The* Guybrush Threepwood is buying me a drink?

Elaine Marley:
Over your dead body, trollop!

Morgan LeFlay:
Who you calling "trollop", schooner-mom?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Oh boy.

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Captain Threepwood, having heard the grave charges arrayed against you, how do you plead?

Guybrush Threepwood:
If I plead guilty, will I get out of here any quicker?

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Most definitely!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Great! Then I plead...

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
After the summary executions by keelhauling, hanging, boiling and er... scaphism.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Scaphism?

Stan:
Trust me kid, you don't wanna know.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Okay then... I plead not guilty by reason of insanity!

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Ye look pretty sane to me!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Sure, *now*, but any second I could start using monkeys as needle-nose pliers, or shooting myself out of trebuchets, or doing strange things with rubber trees. I'm crazy, I tells ya, craaaaaaaaazy!

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
[Getting Pox-enraged] The defendant will cease his inane histrionics, or the court will be forced to yank out his tongue with a rusty shrimp fork! Arrrr!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Okay, no insanity defense...

Guybrush Threepwood:
[to the stenographer, who is just a dead skeleton] Um, could you read that last bit back for me? [the skeleton just sits in silence] Verrrrrrry interesting. I don't even remember saying "exsanguinate". [Silence again] No, no, I am not questioning your professionalism, it's just that I don't even know the meaning- [pauses] Yes ma'am. Sorry ma'am.

Bailiif Killick Hardtack:
All possessions will be returned to the prisoner once he's been cleared of all charges. In the likely event that the prisoner is not cleared of all charges, his property will be distributed to his heirs.

Guybrush Threepwood:
But I don't *have* any heirs... that I know of.

Bailiif Killick Hardtack:
Then they'll be auctioned off at Ye Bay.

Bailiif Killick Hardtack:
[Repeated line] Do you swear on Blackbeard's log to tell the truth to the best of your ability as a grog-swilling, back-stabbing pirate?

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Reading a poster] "Stinkbeard's Common Laws for Common Pirates". Laws? Pirates don't need no stinkin' laws!

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Fine! Then we'll proceed with the execution!

Guybrush Threepwood:
On the other hand, maybe I could use a few good laws right now.

Guybrush Threepwood:
I guess I'll represent myself.

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Captain Threepwood, are you aware of the old pirate court saying "the pirate who represents himself in court has a soon-to-be-keelhauled fool for a client"? [chuckles]

Guybrush Threepwood:
Yes, your honor... and I am that fool.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[In jail] I wanna see my lawyer!

Bailiif Killick Hardtack:
Your lawyer?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Yeah, you might have heard of him... Guybrush Treepwood, Mighty Pirate-At-Law.

Bailiif Killick Hardtack:
Fine. [Leaves and enters jail] All right, counsellor, judge Grindstump says you got five minutes.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[to Hardtack] That should be more than enough for this piece of scumm. [Playing as counsellor] I hope you had a good excuse for dragging me out of bed at this ungodly hour. [Playing as defendant] I need to know how my case is going. I haven't heard from you in days! [as counsellor] Not to worry, old bean. I think I can talk the judge down from draw-and-quartering to draw-and-thirding! [as defendant] You fraud! [Punches himself, then returns to playing counsellor] Guard! I'm quite done with my client!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[In jail] I wanna see my lawyer!

Bailiif Killick Hardtack:
Your lawyer?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Yeah, you might have heard of him... Guybrush Treepwood, Mighty Pirate-At-Law.

Bailiif Killick Hardtack:
Fine. [Leaves and enters jail] All right, counsellor, judge Grindstump says you got five minutes.

Guybrush Threepwood:
[to Hardtack] That should be more than enough for this piece of scumm. [Playing as counsellor] I hope you had a good excuse for dragging me out of bed at this ungodly hour. [Playing as defendant] I've got a plan to break out of this joint, but I need your help to smuggle in a wombat and two sticks of string cheese! [as counselor] You want me, an officer of the court, to aid in a jailbreak? Why, the mere idea is so preposterous that it's practically postposterous! [as defendant] Why you - [Punches himself, then returns to playing counsellor] Guard! I'm quite done with my client!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Noticing the barkeeper is the judge from his trial] Judge Grindstump?

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Oh please, no need to be so formal. In here I'm just plain ol' W.P. Grindstump, owner and proprietor of Club 41!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Aren't you a little upset that I'm running around free?

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Heavens, no! [Coughs] What kind of pirate town would this be if we didn't condone the occasional jailbreak?

Guybrush Threepwood:
What a remarkably progressive attitude.

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Besides, it's not as though you can really escape the swinging sword of Flotsam justice, what with these blasted winds blowing in again.

Guybrush Threepwood:
What are those scary-looking drinks?

Morgan LeFlay:
They're a row of Blood Island Volcano Shots.

Guybrush Threepwood:
They look... painful.

Morgan LeFlay:
Only the first one.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Yikes.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Y'know, if you have even a scintilla of a guilty conscience, I could really use your help.

Morgan LeFlay:
Listening.

Guybrush Threepwood:
There's this trial going on...

Morgan LeFlay:
So I've heard. Some guy was trying to tell me that it's the "Trial of the century-y-y-y-y."

Guybrush Threepwood:
Yeah, well, I could really use some trumped-up evidence. Or a few intimidated witnesses. Or maybe a well-placed bribe or ten.

Morgan LeFlay:
You couldn't afford me.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Of course, how silly of me. It's all about the pieces of eight with you, isn't it?

Morgan LeFlay:
Not always. I also accept pieces of nine.

Guybrush Threepwood:
So you're really the owner of Club 41?

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Have been ever since I won it from the original owner in a dart tournament a few years back. Poor ol' guy never knew what hit him...

Guybrush Threepwood:
And by "hit him" you mean...

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
A dart, right in the ol' noggin.

Guybrush Threepwood:
I've been wondering, why's this place called "Club 41," anyway?

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
You know, I don't rightly know. [Coughs] Eh, the last owner never got a chance to tell me before he succumbed to his dart-related injuries.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Are you not outraged by this ridiculous trial?

Gaffer Crimpdigit:
I'm just glad that scum-sucking Threepwood will finally be brought to justice.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Uhh, *I'm* Threepwood!

Gaffer Crimpdigit:
Speakin' of which, shouldn't you be in a holdin' cell or somethin'?

Guybrush Threepwood:
We, um, get a ten minute break every hour. It's the law.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Your honor, I'd like to call Guybrush Threepwood, Mighty Pirate, to the stand!

Bailiif Killick Hardtack:
[Calling out] Guybrush Threepwood!

Guybrush Threepwood:
I'm right here.

Bailiif Killick Hardtack:
Oh, right. [Offers a book for Guybrush to put his hand on] Do you swear on Blackbeard's log to tell the truth to the best of your ability as a grog-swilling, back-stabbing pirate?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Oooh, what's this log made of, calf leather? You just can't find craftsmanship like this these days.

Bailiif Killick Hardtack:
Ahem.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Oh... I do! [Playing as counsellor] Captain Sheepgood... [playing as defendant] Threepwood. [counsellor] Ah, yes, Shreveport. [defendant] *Threepwood*. [counsellor] Greensleeves. [as defendant, angrily] Threepwood! [defendant] Treebeard? [defendant, annoyed] Threeeeeep - [counsellor] Sleeeeee - [defendant] Woooooood! [counsellor] Staaaaaaaaack...

Stan:
Objection! Defense is stalling!

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
THE DEFENSE WILL GET ON WITH IT OR THE COURT WILL ORDER HIS NAME LEGALLY CHANGED TO "CAPTAIN GUTS FOR GARTERS!" ARRRRRRRRR!

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Congratulations, Captain Threepwood. It appears that you have successfully gotten yourself out from under your various civil charges.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Shiver me timbers, Stumpy. I guess I'll be going now.

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Hold on, what's this? There appears to be a *criminal* charge on the other side of this blasted paper.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Huh? Assault with molten nacho cheese isn't criminal? What else is there?

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
The "creation, incubation, dissemination, proliferation and mastication of a Pox or Pox-like affliction". A class one felonious act here on Flotsam. [Crowd murmurs]

Guybrush Threepwood:
Oh, grog nuts!

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
How do you plead?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Not guilty!

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
On what grounds?

Guybrush Threepwood:
There is no Pox! Everyone's just got the mumps.

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Does this LOOK like the mumps to you, sonny jim? [coughs]

Guybrush Threepwood:
Er... I may have aided in its creation, incubation, dissemination and proliferation, but mastication? That doesn't even make sense!

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
[Upset] Are you suggestioning that this court doesn't know the meaning of the words it uses?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Um... no.

Judge Wallace P. Grindstump:
Good!

Elaine Marley:
[Under the influence of the Pox] Arrrr! Avast, ye blubberin' belugas! I'm sacking yer port! Bring me all ye spoils, swags, booty and boodle!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Strictly] Elaaaaaaaine... less plunder, more bunny, please.

Elaine Marley:
And YOU! Me bonnie lass! Step into me captain's quarters and let me ravish you silly! [Grabs him]

Guybrush Threepwood:
Whoa boy!

Elaine Marley:
Arr, to finally hold you in me arms again, it makes me want to... [sniffs] What's this? The scent of betrayal? Who is this tawdry wench? [throws him on the floor]

Guybrush Threepwood:
Um, nobddy! No one!

Elaine Marley:
She'll die by me rusty blade! [Runs outside]

Guybrush Threepwood:
There goes my witness...

Guybrush Threepwood:
You're not upset about the trial, are you?

Katheryn 'Kate' Krebbs:
Why would I possibly be upset by the fact that I hideously disfigured myself in a quest for long-delayed vengeance, only to have it cruelly snatched away at the last moment?

Guybrush Threepwood:
About your quest for vengeance... I'm afraid I still don't remember you.

Katheryn 'Kate' Krebbs:
You... don't... remember? How could ya forget how you sank me marlin-huntin' ship off the coast of Snark Island? Or the time you framed me for mopery on Wirtling Shores?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Unless I've taken too many blows to the head, I'm pretty sure I've never been to any of those places, or done any of those things.

Katheryn 'Kate' Krebbs:
Well, you may not remember Bosun Kathryn C. Krebbs, but you can be sure that there'll always be a black mark next to the name of Guybrush Q. Threepwood!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Wait, did you say "Guybrush Q. Threepwood"?

Katheryn 'Kate' Krebbs:
Aye, and a fouler name never escaped me lips!

Guybrush Threepwood:
But it's the WRONG name! I'm Guybrush U. Threepwood.

Katheryn 'Kate' Krebbs:
What?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Yeah. [giggling] Your vendetta must be with the *other* Guybrush Threepwood. I should've realized. Y'know, this isn't the first time something like this has happened... I keep getting his mail, too...

Katheryn 'Kate' Krebbs:
[Enraged] ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Morgan LeFlay:
Now I know who wears the daddy pants in the relationship.

Elaine Marley:
You stay away from my boy's pants or I'll hang ya from my Jolly Roger, ja Jezebel!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[Angrily] Do you get health care for the repetitive stress injuries caused by all the back-stabbing and cutting off people's hands?

Morgan LeFlay:
I said I was sorry.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Sorry? I can't pick my left nostril without risking a lobotomy!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[to the judge, as LeChuck walks in the courtroom] Don't listen to him!

LeChuck - Human:
You see, your honor, the Pox is all my fault!

Guybrush Threepwood:
[to judge] Listen to him!

Guybrush Threepwood:
Well, I'm finally free, but now my Pox-crazed wife is nowhere to be found, a mad scientist is hunting her for who-knows-what reason, and the legendary voodoo sponge that was supposed to cure her has turned out to be useless. Under normal circumstances I'd ask the Voodoo Lady for help, but she's sitting in the jail cell next to my arch-enemy - who may or may not be my best friend-, after it's been revealed that she's been the secret power behind most of my travails over most of my life as a pirate. Maybe I should have been a beekeeper, like my uncle Sid.

Voodoo Lady:
I met Coronado De Cava.

Voodoo Lady:
My beloved! How was he?

Guybrush Threepwood:
Mad. Bipolar. Life ruined. Just another pawn sacrificed in your theater of the damned.

Voodoo Lady:
I never meant to cause him harm.

Guybrush Threepwood, Voodoo Lady:
Sure you didn't. C'mon, admit it. You were manipulating Coronado.

Voodoo Lady:
Coronado was never touched by my Voodoo... even though he sometimes begged to be.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Uh, I'm not sure we're talking about the same thing anymore, so I'll just shut up.

Guybrush Threepwood:
Pee-yoo! That is by FAR the foulest thing I've ever smelled in all my years of pirating... and that's coming from a guy who's just spent a few days inside a giant manatee!