The 73rd Annual Academy Awards

Steve Martin:
You know, I saw the movie "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon," and I didn't see any tigers or dragons. Then I realized, it's because they're crouching and hidden.

Steve Martin:
Please hold your applause, until it's about me.

Steve Martin:
[on prepping the Best Actor category] ... a homosexual poet, a guy who talks with his volleyball, and a man who dresses up in gladiator outfits... but enough about me.

Julia Roberts:
I have a television, so I'm going to spend some time here to tell you some things.

Steve Martin:
The FBI has just announced a suspect in the plot to kidnap Russell Crowe... and all I can say is, Tom Hanks, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Steve Martin:
By the way, be sure to stay tuned for the whole show, because at the end of the night we are going to vote somebody out of show business.

Steve Martin:
An honorary award will go to 81-year-old producer Dino De Laurentiis, or as he's known to Anna Nicole Smith, 'fresh meat."

Steve Martin:
"Hosting is like making love to a beautiful woman... it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town."

Steve Martin:
For me, hosting the academy awards is like making love to a beautiful woman. You can only do it when Billy Crystal's not in town.

Benicio Del Toro:
I'd like to dedicate this to the people of Nogales, Arizona, and Nogales, Mexico.

Russell Crowe:
You know, when you grow up in the suburbs of Sydney, or Auckland, or Newcastle, like Ridley or Jamie Bell, or the suburbs of anywhere, you know a dream like this seems kind of vaguely ludicrous and completely unattainable. But this moment is directly connected to those childhood imaginings. And for anybody who's on the downside of advantage and relying purely on courage: It's possible.

Steven Soderbergh:
Suddenly, going to work tomorrow doesn't seem like such a good idea. My daughter Sarah's asleep in London. She's missing this, unfortunately. There are a lot of people to thank. Rather than thank some of them publicly, I think I'll thank all of them privately. What I want to say is - I want to thank anyone who spends part of their day creating. I don't care if it's a book, a film, a painting, a dance, a piece of theater, a piece of music... Anybody who spends part of their day sharing their experience with us. I think this world would be unliveable without art, and I thank you. That includes the Academy. That includes my fellow nominees here tonight. Thank you for inspiring me. Thank you for this.

Steve Martin:
[after Bj?rk's performance] I was going to wear my swan, but to me they are so last year. But I'm glad Bj?rk's working again after her disastrous Supreme Court trial.

Steve Martin:
Let's see, how are we doing on time? Oh, we got five hours!

Steve Martin:
By the way, that introduction cost the government $1 trillion, so there goes your tax cut.

Himself - Winner:
Best Makeup: Thank you. We'd like to thank the Academy, Universal, Imagine, Brian Grazer and Ron Howard for making such a creative film. The entire cast, for their patience and cooperation. Jim Carrey, for his brilliant performance. My crew - over 150 talented people contributed greatly to the work that we accept this award for. I'm sorry I can't thank them all individually, but one I have to thank tonight is Kazuhiro Tsuji. Kazu not only applied Jim Carrey's "Grinch" makeup but designed many of the makeups and deserves to be here with us. Lastly, I'd like to thank the loves of my life: my beautiful wife Silvia, my fantastic daughters Veronica and Rebecca, my late mother Doris, and my father Ralph.

Herself - Winner:
Best Makeup: I'd also like to thank my fabulous crew. A special thanks to Terry Baliel for his wonderful work. To my husband, I love him. And Laurel, I wish you were here. Thank you.

Himself - Winner:
Best Sound Mixing: First of all, we'd like to dedicate this award to Ken Weston, the other member of our crew who couldn't be here tonight. He's at home and we miss him. We'd also like to thank Ridley Scott for his vision and his generosity. We'd like to thank DreamWorks, Universal Pictures, of course Walter Parkes and Laurie MacDonald, Marty Cohen and Lisa Dennis Kennedy.

Himself - Winner:
Best Sound Mixing: And we're proud to congratulate Doug Wick, David Franzoni and Branko Lustig for a truly great film, as well as our picture editor Pietro Scalia and composers Hans Zimmer and Lisa Gerrard. And everyone at Todd-AO Studios. And a very special thanks to our supervising sound editor Per Hallberg and his great crew. And to our families, Cindy, Jessica and Amy, and Mom and Dad.

Himself - Winner:
Best Sound Mixing: And Deborah, Ashley and Brandon. And thank you, the Academy. Thank you very much!

Herself - Winner:
Best Costume Design: Thank you, Academy. Thank you, DreamWorks. Thank you, Walter Parkes, Branko Lustig, Terry Needham. A huge thank you to Ridley Scott for his vision and his incredible inspiration. But this doesn't belong to me alone. It belongs to a huge costume crew who worked so hard in Malta and Morocco and in the U.K. It belongs to the armour makers. It belongs to the costume makers. To the jewelry, footwear creators and the costume breakers. I couldn't have done it without these people: without Vanessa Jones, without my husband Tony Dixon, without Jake Scott. And I couldn't have done it without Rosemary Burrows, Annie Hadley and Sammy Howarth. Thank you.

Himself - Winner:
Best Visual Effects: Wow! Thank you, members of the Academy, for this great honor. First and foremost, I'd like to thank our director Ridley Scott for his genius, vision, leadership and trust. I'd like to thank all my great team at Mill Film London who did the visual effects: Tim Burke, Rob Harvey, Laurent Huguenolt, Nikki Penny, Emma Norton, Nancy St. John, to Bill Schultz, a ton of other people I'm just forgetting right now. I'd like to thank our great practical and prosthetic effect team of Neil Corbould's, with Neil Corbould, Paul and Ian Corbould, Trevor Wood, John Evans, Michelle Taylor and Dave Hunter. I'd like to thank everyone at DreamWorks and Universal. They're a class act, a pleasure to work with. I'd like to thank my wife Deborah, my son Miles, my mom in heaven, my dad and family in Detroit. Happy birthday, Dad, I love you.

Himself - Winner:
Best Sound Editing: Oh, wait [pulls out a paper from his pocket] , clock's ticking, got this going, all right. First off, my thanks to the producers of U-571, Dino and Martha De Laurentiis, who make it exciting and an honor to be in this business. For the director Jonathan Mostow, thank you for your loyalty, talent and tenacity. To my whole crew, my deepest thanks. I'd like to mention a few of them that I've tortured the longest: Miguel Rivera, Keith Bilderbeck, Val Kuklowsky, Bruce Stubblefield, Robert Troy. To the mixers: Rick, Steve, Gregg and Ivan, you guys set the bar for the best mix I've ever been through. To my partner, chief antagonist, fiercest promoter, most loyal friend and my wife, Jill, I love you forever and after. Kids, don't stay up tonight. We'll be out real late.

Himself - Winner:
Best Film Editing: Wow. I'd like to thank my family, the Academy, USA Films, our producers Ed Zwick, Marshall Herskovitz and Laura Bickford. My crew: Doug Crise, Keith Sauter, Norman Walker and Denise Marquez. I'd like to thank Stephen Gaghan for writing such a beautiful and emotional script, and the entire cast and crew whose outstanding achievement speaks for itself. And Steven Soderbergh, it is a thrill to work with you and it's a privilege to know you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Himself - Winner:
Best Picture: It takes a lot of people to make a colosseum, but it only takes one or two to mess it up. To all the wizards who brought to life the sights, sounds and citizens of a faraway world, we should take a chisel to this statue and give you your fair share. But instead I hope you will accept our thanks for not messing it up. David Franzoni, great dreaming. Walter Parkes and Laurie MacDonald, you swooped in on your chariot and ran over everything and everybody in your way. Ridley Scott, you invaded three continents with your tireless perfectionism and brought new meaning to the phrase, "mad dogs and Engishman in the noonday sun." Bill Nicholson and John Logan, you saved our flank. Russell Crowe, you filled a whole arena with the force of your face and put the human back in the hero. Stacey Snider, Ronnie Meyer, Jeffrey Katzenberg, Steven Spielberg, Terry Press, in those early days where it looked like all roads might lead not to Rome but to ruin, you were gladiators. Sarah, Julia, Tessa, Lucy, for me, all roads lead to you.

Himself - Winner:
Best Picture: Thanking all the same people Doug thanked - but that gentleman genius, Ridley Scott, who transported us back thousands of years in time so effortlessly and beautifully, thank you Ridley. Russell, Joaquin, everyone, thank you so much. My wife Nancye, my son Hudson, my dearly departed dad, who was the greatest storyteller who ever lived. I'm sure he's on high somewhere with Oliver Reed right now throwing back some of the dark stuff and enjoying the hell out of this. Thank you.

Himself - Winner:
Best Picture: Thank you to everybody who made this movie together with us. Thank you, Ridley. Thank you for the honor to work with you. And thanks to everybody in the international, big crew all around the world that helped us to do it. Strength and honor!