The Rebound

Sandy:
You dirty little f***ing scumbag! Take your disease-riddled whore and f*** her in hell for all eternity while the Devil burns you with hot, jagged metal and suffocates you with molten fury!

Roberta Finklestein:
Oh, such a smart girl.

Aram Finklestein:
But she never graduated college, and you hated her.

Roberta Finklestein:
But the French. She spoke it so beautifully.

Aram Finklestein:
She was from there.

Roberta Finklestein:
So, what does his future hold, Rabbi?

Aram Finklestein:
Mom, he's not a palm reader.

Harry Finklestein:
So, did Aram tell you about this operation I'm having?

Roberta Finklestein:
Harry?

Sandy:
No.

Harry Finklestein:
They're gonna give me a new a**hole.

Sandy:
Someone like you shouldn't be with someone like me - an old girlfriend with two kids.

Aram Finklestein:
You're an ageist.

Aram Finklestein:
I thought I'd met my soul mate.

Mitch:
You met a really hot French girl who needed a green card.

Aram Finklestein:
She was just so...

Mitch:
Hot!

Aram Finklestein:
It wasn't that.

Mitch:
Sexy.

Aram Finklestein:
It was something else. She needed me.

Mitch:
Yes, to get a green card.

Mitch:
You know, living at your parents' place isn't exactly... grabbing life by the balls, you know?

Sensei Dana:
All of us, as women, have developed a reservoir of resentment and anger, and these reservoirs, put together, form an ocean, and this ocean is available for all of us to draw from. It holds the collective power of every woman who has ever been wronged. An inappropriate sexual remark, being underpaid for a job you've done better than a man, an ancestor who was a slave, or rice picker, or simply low man on the totem pole, a husband who has wronged you, who has cheated and lied to you, or you, or you, or you.

Daphne:
Oh, my God!

Sandy:
What?

Daphne:
You have a thing for the nanny!

Sadie - age 9:
[while in a bowling alley] So does that mean you and Mom are gonna have a baby?

Aram Finklestein:
Nooo.

Frank Jr. - age 7:
I don't get it. You said that spurn makes a baby.

Aram Finklestein:
"Sperm," and it does. You know, can we stop talking about this please, okay? I like your mother, and I think she likes me, and that's all that's important.

Sadie - age 9:
And you also work for her.

Sadie - age 9:
[not swayed from the topic] So, you like Mom. Are you two gonna date now?

Aram Finklestein:
I don't know.

Sadie - age 9:
You don't really know anything, do ya? I mean, she's kinda your girlfriend.

Frank Jr. - age 7:
Are you gonna be our new dad?

Sadie - age 9:
And, if so, who'll be our nanny?

Frank Jr. - age 7:
Yeah, and what'll we call you?

Aram Finklestein:
Jesus, I'm not being nominated to Supreme Court here, guys. I just had sex with your mother.

Aram Finklestein:
[noticing a distressed mother in the next bowling lane glaring at him while grasping her child protectively] And when I say sex... I mean that I gave her... a nice massage.

Frank Jr. - age 7:
[brightly] With sperm.

Sadie - age 9:
Sing me a song or I'll throw up on you.

Aram Finklestein:
When you put it that way...

Aram Finklestein:
You said it yourself. You don't wanna just coast - you know, just coast along - but, w... but this isn't coasting. This is... this-s-s-s is ROLLER coasting.

Lateefah:
Aram, I know you took some women's studies courses in college, but other than that, do you have any kind of experience that you think might've prepared you for this job?

Aram Finklestein:
Uhh... I used to buy tampons for my mother.

Lateefah:
YOU... will fit in perfectly.

Daphne:
Nice ass, coffee boy!

Mitch:
I just... Man, I don't see how gettin' beat up by a bunch of chicks every day is gettin' you closer to the meaning of life.

Aram Finklestein:
What do you think about kids?

Mitch:
I think about makin' 'em all the time.

Sadie - age 9:
Aram! Aram!

Frank Jr. - age 7:
Mom is dead!

Aram Finklestein:
What?

Frank Jr. - age 7:
Come on!

Aram Finklestein:
She's not dead.

Sadie - age 9:
Could be post-mortem twitch.

Sandy:
That is the most wonderfully unjaded, naive thing I've ever heard.

[first lines]

Sandy:
[driving kids to school] Same thing, every f***ing morning.

Sadie - age 9:
I heard that.

Sandy:
No, you didn't.

Sadie - age 9:
Yes, I did.

Frank Jr. - age 7:
I did, too.

Lateefah:
Aram, I know you took some women's studies course in college. But other than that, do you have any kind of experience that you think might have prepared you for this job?

Aram Finklestein:
Uh... I used to by tampons for my mother.

Lateefah:
You will fit in perfectly. [shakes hands] Yes.

Trevor:
You see, we all hold our tension somewhere. For you it's in your shoulders, and just a little bit in your ass. With as much experience as I have, you can tell just by the way people walk [suddenly adjusts her neck] , and even by the way they smile. [another sudden adjustment]

Trevor:
[sits down] No charge.