Comedy Central Roast of Denis Leary 
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Denis Leary: The only reason why Pete Townshend got busted was because he borrowed Mario Cantone's laptop.
Dane Cook: Mario Cantone has a real soft spot for young comedians. It's called his asshole.
Nick DiPaolo: Let's take a look back at Denis' film career, since his agent didn't.
Adam Ferrara: A new spinoff series will be starring Jeff Garlin on HBO soon. It's called "Curb Your Appetite".
Nick DiPaolo: Lenny Clarke, holy shit! What, did your Bowflex get lost in the mail? How's it possible to have a coke problem and a weight problem at the same time? What are you snorting, confectionary sugar?
Dane Cook: Mario Cantone is so gay, that when gay people walk down the street and see him, they're like, "Fag".
Mario Cantone: I'm still waiting for you to come out, bitch!
Colin Quinn: You're lucky Kiefer Sutherland said yes. Otherwise, I'd be up here making "Mighty Ducks" jokes to Emilio Estevez.
Nick DiPaolo: Why are we roasting you? You're Irish, shouldn't we be boiling you?
Adam Ferrara: You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you.
Mario Cantone: That show was so bad, TiVo would reject the repeats!