Denis Leary:
The only reason why Pete Townshend got busted was because he borrowed Mario Cantone's laptop.

Dane Cook:
Mario Cantone has a real soft spot for young comedians. It's called his asshole.

Nick DiPaolo:
Let's take a look back at Denis' film career, since his agent didn't.

Adam Ferrara:
A new spinoff series will be starring Jeff Garlin on HBO soon. It's called "Curb Your Appetite".

Nick DiPaolo:
Lenny Clarke, holy shit! What, did your Bowflex get lost in the mail? How's it possible to have a coke problem and a weight problem at the same time? What are you snorting, confectionary sugar?

Dane Cook:
Mario Cantone is so gay, that when gay people walk down the street and see him, they're like, "Fag".

Mario Cantone:
I'm still waiting for you to come out, bitch!

Colin Quinn:
You're lucky Kiefer Sutherland said yes. Otherwise, I'd be up here making "Mighty Ducks" jokes to Emilio Estevez.

Nick DiPaolo:
Why are we roasting you? You're Irish, shouldn't we be boiling you?

Adam Ferrara:
You were an altar boy, right? No wonder you're so angry. Show me on Kiefer Sutherland where the priest touched you.

Mario Cantone:
That show was so bad, TiVo would reject the repeats!