Zero:
As long as we have opposable thumbs, we will fight you!

Big Smoke:
Like it says in the book... We are both blessed and cursed.

Carl Johnson:
What fuckin' book?

Officer Frank Tenpenny:
See ya 'round, Carl. Like a doughnut!

Carl Johnson:
Can you shoot?

The Truth:
Kid, I'm a hippie. The only thing I've shot is acid. I did see a guy snort it once though. Thought his nose was a kangaroo and the moon was a dog!

Sweet Johnson:
You're dressed like a hooker!

Kendl:
You two would know what a hooker looks like.

Carl Johnson:
You say that like it's a bad thing.

Catalina:
Are you going to fight for my love?

Carl Johnson:
No. I can take rejection.

Carl Johnson:
Oh shit! Where you get this?

Cesar:
Same place I got my pants, homes. This is America, man!

Cop:
I'm gonna kick your ass, and then I'm gonna fuck it!

Officer Frank Tenpenny:
Mmm... Smells good. What's cooking? Where's mine?

Tommy Smith:
I've said it before... All we need is a little patience.

Carl Johnson:
Woozie, you okay?

Woozie:
Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just getting the feel of the place.

Carl Johnson:
Grove Street. Home. At least it used to be until I fucked everything up.

Carl Johnson:
We switchin' places right now.

Ken Rosenberg:
Hey, just like old times, huh, Tommy?

Carl Johnson:
Who the fuck is Tommy?

Big Smoke:
C'mon. Let's bounce.

Carl Johnson:
Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Carl Johnson:
Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Cesar:
Why you always saying that? I already told you. Where the holiness does his business, is his business.

Tommy Smith:
Eddie's got two tickets to paradise, and I do too... In my pants.

Tommy Smith:
I can't believe I get to play music for a living, even if it is other people's.

Tommy Smith:
Hey, whatever happened to Love Fist?

Mike Toreno:
These guys think they can help the 'overseas situation' by financing militaristic dictators in exchange for arms and contracts.

Carl Johnson:
Hey, ain't that exactly what you do?

Mike Toreno:
Well, kind of, but we get to pick our dictators.

Carl Johnson:
You do know that I'm black, right? And not Chinese?

Woozie:
I'm blind, Carl... not stupid.

Jethro:
Does a polar bear shit in the woods?

Mike Toreno:
I'm too hip, I gotta go.

Carl Johnson:
Why am I here?

Mike Toreno:
I just want to see what you're made of.

Carl Johnson:
What do you think I'm made of? Puddin'?

Woozie:
Carl, I have something to tell you... I'm blind.

Carl Johnson:
No shit.

Carl Johnson:
Woozie, you know I'm black and not Chinese, right?

Woozie:
Carl, I may be blind, but I'm not stupid.

Mike Toreno:
This history is all wrong! It says that Hitler killed himself, and that we nuked Japan. Well... Whatever helps them sleep at night.

The Truth:
Carl, do you know how many satellites the government has in space?

Carl Johnson:
No. How many?

The Truth:
Twenty-three. Do you know how many biblical artifacts the government is keeping at the Pentagon?

Carl Johnson:
No.

The Truth:
Twenty-three. Don't you see a pattern here?

The Truth:
Don't look! Quick! Think of a yellow, rubber duck!

Mike Toreno:
Okay, Carl. Once you get in, I cannot help you.

Carl Johnson:
Can you help me now?

Mike Toreno:
Um... no actually... no

Tommy Smith:
This is a plaid shirt free zone. We're rockers, people. Not lumberjacks.

Carl Johnson:
C'mon, dude, what's all that about?

The Truth:
You don't want to know.

Carl Johnson:
Why?

The Truth:
Do you know what a sub-dermal neurophone is?

Carl Johnson:
A what?

The Truth:
Exactly. Sometimes its best to stay in the dark, kid.

Carl Johnson:
Where are you? You givin' me the heebie jeebies, man!

Mike Toreno:
Carl, I will ALWAYS be watching... or listening... or both.

Mike Toreno:
You know, after what you've done for me, it's like you're a pro now. I got double agents in Panama who want to put a price on your head. A Russian spy - a little, fat, Boris looking guy - he's asking for clearance to interrogate you, Russian style. Calipers on the genitals. Feels good, you'd like it.

Carl Johnson:
That ain't nothing cool, man! Just leave me alone. You're bad news!

Mike Toreno:
Don't worry about it. The Russians got bigger things to worry about than your genitals, believe me.

Mike Toreno:
Now look, I spoke with the big man. You've got clearance to eliminate these fuckers. How's that?

Carl Johnson:
Huh, man, kill Government agents?

Mike Toreno:
Kill, schmill! Come on... don't look at it that way, will you? Think of it as pest control. It works for me.

Woozie:
One's a fake.

Carl Johnson:
That's amazing. You didn't even touch them.

Woozie:
No. I just took a guess. Why else would he come in with two chips and sound so worried?

Carl Johnson:
Damn! That nigga's fucked up!

Carl Johnson:
Bang! Bang! Bang!

Carl Johnson:
Damn! Did you buy your license?

Radio Host:
Can I call you "Telly-Welly?"

The Truth:
Carl...

Carl Johnson:
Who is this?

The Truth:
It's me. The Truth.

Carl Johnson:
Who?

The Truth:
Perfection. They said you were a moron.

Woozie:
Thank you Carl, you saved me from having to kill them all myself.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson:
Hey, CJ, tell me why I didn't finish high school.

Carl Johnson:
'Cause you been dealin' drugs, man. Since the age of ten. Ha, ha, ha.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson:
Ha, ha, ha. Nope. That ain't it.

Carl Johnson:
'Cause you put your hands on that teacher for wearin' Ballas colours. Ha, ha, ha.

Lance 'Ryder' Wilson:
Ha, ha, ha. But, nope. That ain't it either. It's cause I'm too intelligent for this shit. I am the real deal fool, oh, yeah. A genius.

Carl Johnson:
I'm a well-dressed maniac!

Radio Host:
The secret of nature is that once something is at the height of growth and beauty, it is time for it wither and die. A bit like the British empire! I mean, come on, it's run by a Queen! And if she had a pistol she'd be the King.