Little Murders

Alfred Chamberlain:
Those guys in the park, they said 'Hey, fatface! What are you staring at?' If I told them I wasn't staring at them, they would've beat me up for being a liar. And if I told them I was staring at them because I wanted to take their picture, then they'd beat me up for being a cop. So I told them I was staring at them because they looked familiar, and they beat me up for being a fag. There's no way of talking someone out of beating you up if that's what he wants to do.

Patsy Newquist:
Are you really so down on people, or are you just being fashionable?

Mr. Newquist:
Why don't you call me 'Dad'?

Alfred Chamberlain:
I didn't call my own father 'Dad.'

Mr. Newquist:
What did you call him?

Alfred Chamberlain:
I didn't call him anything. The occasion never came up.

Rev. Dupas:
First, let me state to you, Alfred, and to you, Patricia, that of the 200 marriages I have performed, all but seven have failed. So the odds are not good.

Rev. Dupas:
Why does one decide to marry? Social pressure? Boredom? Loneliness? Sexual appeasement? Love? I won't put any of these reasons down. Each in its own way is adequate, each is all right. Last year, I married a musician who wanted to get married in order to stop masturbating. Please, don't be startled, I'm not putting him down. That marriage did not work. But the man tried. He is now separated, still masturbating, but he is at peace with himself because he tried society's way.

Rev. Dupas:
Now, just last month, I married a novelist to a painter. Everyone at the wedding ceremony was under the influence of an hallucinogenic drug. The drug quickened our mental responses, slowed our physical responses, and the whole ceremony took two days to perform. Never have the words had such meaning!

Patsy Newquist:
Kissing you is like kissing white bread!

Patsy Newquist:
It isn't just pain you don't feel, you don't feel pleasure!

Alfred Chamberlain:
I do feel pleasure.

Patsy Newquist:
About what?

Alfred Chamberlain:
A lot of things.

Patsy Newquist:
Name one!

Alfred Chamberlain:
My work.

Patsy Newquist:
Oh, name another.

Alfred Chamberlain:
Sleeping.

Patsy Newquist:
Work and sleeping. Oh, that's just great! What about sex?

Alfred Chamberlain:
Makes you sleep better.

Patsy Newquist:
Honey, I don't want to hurt you. I want to change you.

Patsy Newquist:
I want to be married to a big, strong, vital, virile, self-assured man... that I can protect and take care of.

Patsy Newquist:
Now, I'm not saying that I'm any better or stronger than you are. It's just, we... you and I have different temperaments. And my temperament is better and stronger than yours!