Looney Tunes: Back in Action

Kate Houghton:
Who has *dynamite*?

Daffy Duck:
Welcome to *my* world.

Marvin the Martian:
You tricked me!

Bugs Bunny:
Eh, what's up, Darth?

Bugs Bunny:
Eh, what gives, doc? We made thirty-five pictures togetha'.

Elmer Fudd:
Well, as it turns out, I'm secwetwy evil.

Daffy Duck:
That's showbiz for ya!

Elmer Fudd:
Now, unhand the card; so I can pwease my dark masters!

Bugs Bunny:
Oh, well... it's five o' clock somewhere.

Kate Houghton:
If you touch one more thing...

Bugs Bunny:
Shhh... I'm about to defy you.

Daffy Duck:
Sell all my Warner Brothers stock! I got an inside tip that Bugs Bunny's about to die!

Kate Houghton:
I need you to eject this duck.

DJ Drake:
Lady, this is Daffy Duck.

Kate Houghton:
Not anymore; we own the name.

Daffy Duck:
Oh yeah? Well, you can't stop ME from calling myself D-(gasp)... D-(gasp)... well, whatayaknow.

Kate Houghton:
So, what do we do? We team you up with a hot female co-star!

Bugs Bunny:
Usually...

Bugs Bunny:
*I* play the female love interest!

Kate Houghton:
Okay, about the crossdressing thing - then, funny; now, disturbing.

Bugs Bunny:
Lady, if you don't find a rabbit wearin' lipstick amusing, then we ain't got nothin' to say to each other.

Marvin the Martian:
A mission? I'm all a-tingle!

Mr. Chairman:
This is unacceptable. We cannot have nine-year-olds working in sweatshops making ACME goods... when three-year-olds work for so much less...

Acme VP, Child Labor:
But they require naps, sir.

Mr. Chairman:
Put double espresso in their sippy cups.

Mr. Chairman:
There is a DUCK in the middle of the map. Remove the DUCK.

Daffy Duck:
You live with Daddy?

DJ Drake:
Well, yeah, only... temporarily...

Daffy Duck:
Oh, I've hit rock-bottom. I'm hanging out with a security guard who lives with his father.

Porky Pig:
F-f-first they told me to lose the stutter, now they tell me I'm not funny!

Porky Pig:
It's a pain in the butt being p-p-politically correct.

Speedy Gonzales:
You're telling me.

DJ Drake:
This security guard thing, that's just what I do for money. I'm a... I'm a stunt double.

Daffy Duck:
You? A stunt double? Please.

DJ Drake:
No, it's true. Didya ever see those "Mummy" movies? I'm in there more than Brendan Fraser is!

Yosemite Sam:
Yikes!

Yosemite Sam:
Dadburn slapstick cliché!

Daffy Duck:
How many galoshes died to make *that* little number?

Daffy Duck:
That's not boxing. Bite his ear.

Beaky Buzzard:
That's right, I'm a vicious bird of prey.

Bugs Bunny:
Daff never misses a cue.

Daffy Duck:
I'm afraid the brothers Warner must choose between a handsome matinee idol, or this miscreant perpetrator of low burlesque.

Shaggy:
What kind of performance do you call that? You made me sound like a total space cadet, man!

Matthew Lillard:
I'm sorry you feel that way. I was just trying to be true to your character.

Shaggy:
If you, like, goof on me in the sequel, I'm coming after ya!

Scooby Doo:
Reah. And Ri'll rive you a Scooby Smack!

Mother:
How do you know about that thing that I've never heard of in my entire life?

DJ Drake:
My dad told me.

Mother:
Oh, what is the point of making them pinky swear?

Yosemite Sam:
Outta my way, fancy boy. I'm a-commandeering this here clown car.

DJ Drake:
Dad, I think we should move.

Damien Drake:
What's wrong with Beverly Hills?

DJ Drake:
I meant from this spot.

Bugs Bunny:
I'm tellin ya, Daffy, I heard the Warner Brothers say that you were their best duck.

Daffy Duck:
Flattered though I may be, flattened I will not, in order for you to get the laughs! It's all "woo-hoo, yuk yuk", and then "wham, bam, blam!"

Bugs Bunny:
And your tail's on fire.

Daffy Duck:
Exactly my point! I...

Bugs Bunny:
No, I mean your tail's on fire.

Bugs Bunny:
Daff, you're accident prone.

Daffy Duck:
Oh, what am I talking to you for? All you have to do is munch on a carrot and people love you.

Bugs Bunny:
I think we scratched it.

Daffy Duck:
Who cares, it's a rental.

Daffy Duck:
What a fantastic view.

Bugs Bunny:
Unless you're in the audience in which case you've been staring at an elephant's behind for 30 seconds.

Bugs Bunny:
I'd like to thank Wal-mart for giving us all this free wal-mart stuff just for saying wal-mart so many times.

Bugs Bunny:
All those in favour of us *not* hitting that wall, say 'aye'.

Kate Houghton:

Daffy Duck:
Aye!

Daffy Duck:
Mother!

Spy Car Computer:
Taking you to Mother!

DJ Drake:
Dad, you know how I always wanted a dog?

Damien Drake:
Yeah?

DJ Drake:
I got one!

Bugs Bunny:
So this is Area 51?

Mother:
No.

Bugs Bunny:
The secret goverment base?

Mother:
No.

Bugs Bunny:
Where they keep all the aliens?

Mother:
No. Area 51 is a paranoid fantasy we concocted to hide the true nature of this facility.

DJ Drake:
Which is?

Mother:
Area 52.

Marvin the Martian:
Earthlings have no sense of direction!

Daffy Duck:
Well, what do you know, he fell for it. I guess I owe you $5!

Daffy Duck:
Say, that's the stuff from my office.

Mr. Warner:
You don't have an office.

Mr. Warner's Brother:
Not any more.

Daffy Duck:
Symbolically, this is bad. Come on, Brother? Other Brother? Icy she-wolf? You can't fire me. I'm too young and tender to retire.

Kate Houghton:
Let me escort you out.

Daffy Duck:
Wait! I haven't tried toadying, kowtowing and butt-kissing yet! I'm still begging here!

Bugs Bunny:
Oh, I hate to see a grown man cry... especially when it's a girl.

Kate Houghton:
You are going to put him back, right? 'Cause I can't return to LA with duck soup.

Mother:
We do have the resources to reconstitute the body. The mind, though, will remain a gooey mess.

Daffy Duck:
Smell that, DJ? That's the sweet aroma of money, glamour, and busload upon busload of senior citizens.

DJ Drake:
Cool it, duck. This could be dangerous.

Daffy Duck:
Right, we find Dusty Tails, save your dad, get the diamond, apply kung-fu liberally as needed.

Bugs Bunny:
Is that a mirage, or just product placement?

Daffy Duck:
Oh, who cares, with shopping convenience at such low prices? Water! Fresca! Mountain Dew! Your Product Name Here!

DJ Drake:
Is this your idea?

Kate Houghton:
The audience expects it. They don't even notice this kind of thing anymore.

Mother:
DJ, I've known you since you were this big.

Mother:
That's... that's not really possible. Must have been a photo.

Mr. Chairman:
My God, man. You've done nothing but screw up since day one. You've walked off mesas. You've been smashed by boulders. You've been runned over by diesel trucks. And don't blame the equipment. The equipment is good. It's Acme equipment. You're a coyote. Be wily.

Bugs Bunny:
Suddenly I feel like I'm in Aunt Marge's Jell-O mold.

Daffy Duck:
Relax sister, I don't know the meaning of the word "fear"

Yosemite Sam:
Say yer payers, Duck!

Daffy Duck:
Fear: noun. A state of terror!

Kate Houghton:
There are some aspects of the script that need work. There's no heart, no cooperation, no one learns anything...

Bugs Bunny:
Daffy learns not to stick his head in a jet engine.

Daffy Duck:
Why, D.J.? Why you? Why wasn't it me? - Just academic curiosity, you understand.

DJ Drake:
What brings you to Las Vegas. You ran out of people to fire in LA?

Kate Houghton:
You stole my duck.

Daffy Duck:
Your duck? Bah! I belong to the world.

DJ Drake:
You know what? You can have him.

Daffy Duck:
I don't know the meaning of the word fear.

Yosemite Sam:
Say your prayers, duck!

Daffy Duck:
Fear: Noun. A state of terror. Yaaaaah!

Mother:
So, what were we discussing? Is this about those giant ants?

Kate Houghton:
Giant ants?

Mother:
Because they aren't really ants... anymore.

Daffy Duck:
Yipes! Illegal aliens!

[D.J., Kate, Bugs, and Daffy approach a dead end]

Bugs:
Eh, just a suggestion, but all those in favor of not hittin' that wall, say "aye".

D.J. and Kate:
AYE!!!

Daffy:
Mother!

Spy car computer:
Taking you to Mother!

[the car takes to the sky before it can hit the wall]

D.J.:
There's a man there! He's got a woman! She's tied up in a burlap sack and he's taking her to the Eiffel Tower!

Pepe:
Ah, eet eez Spring, eez eet not?

[D.J. and Daffy Duck drive to Las Vegas.]

D.J.:
I'm not a security guard! For your information, it's just a job. It's what I do for money.

Daffy:
Um-hmm.

D.J.:
What I really do is... I'm... I'm a... I'm a stuntman.

Daffy:
Hah! You, a stuntman? Please!

D.J.:
I am! Did you see those Mummy movies? I'm in them more than Brendan Fraser is.

[Daffy rolls his eyes, complete with cartoon sound effect]

D.J.:
Oh, no, you couldn't stand that! One day, he decides to say, "No-no-no! The Bren-Master does all his own stunts"!

[We get our first view of the ACME boardroom and its members.]

Chairman:
This is unacceptable! We cannot have nine-year-olds working in sweatshops making ACME sneakers - not when three-year-olds work for so much less!

[The VPs jump for their buzzers. VP Child Labor hits his first. The Chairman points to him.]

Chairman:
Yes?

VP Child Labor:
But, sir. They require naps.

Chairman:
Put double espresso in their sippy cups!

[At the Wooden Nickel, diva Dusty Tails changes while she talks about her career.]

Dusty:
I also work for the Agency. Professional assassin. It's really hard for me to juggle the two sometimes. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I have kids!

[She comes out wearing a shiny black-leather catsuit.]

Dusty:
Do you know how hard it is to find a nanny with advanced weapons training?

Daffy:
[gives a wolf-whistle] How many galoshes died to make that little number?

[D.J. tries to take the Mona Lisa Queen of Diamonds playing card from Dusty, who instead slips it inside her outfit]

Dusty:
That is so sweet! You, trying to take over for your father. These evil forces, they're bad people!

Daffy:
Relax, sister! I don't know the meaning of the word "fear"!

[Daffy opens the door and finds himself facing a lit cannon.]

Yosemite Sam:
Say your prayers, Duck!

Daffy:
"Fear: Noun. A state of terror". Aaaah!

[Yosemite Sam chases D.J. and Daffy through the Wooden Nickel casino, guns a-blazin'…]

Yosemite Sam:
Come back here, ya card-carryin' cuy-ote!

[… and slips on a banana peel.]

Yosemite Sam:
Yikes! Ooooh! Dad-burned slapstick cliché!

Foghorn Leghorn:
(to D.J.) Card, sir?

D.J.:
Hit me.

Foghorn Leghorn:
Don't-- I say, don't 'cha wanna look at your cards first, son? Boy's 'bout as sharp as a bowlin' ball.

[Daffy and D.J. finally escape the Wooden Nickel]

Daffy:
I say we do Cirque de Soleil and call it a night.

[D.J. makes a mad dash for his car]

Daffy:
How 'bout the Liberace Museum?

[Kate and Bugs drive through the streets of Las Vegas, looking for Daffy.]

Kate:
There's gotta be 314 hotels and 142 casinos in Las Vegas! We are never gonna find that duck.

[Suddenly, Daffy runs into the street and is promptly plastered onto the windshield. Kate gasps.]

Bugs:
Hee-hee. Daff never misses a cue.

[D.J. arrives, peels off Daffy, and tosses him into the back seat, upside down, next to Bugs.]

Bugs:
Eh, what's up, Duck?

Daffy:
Don't you start with me.

[D.J. notices Kate in the driver's seat of the car]

D.J.:
You!

Kate:
You!

Daffy:
[to Bugs] You!

Bugs:
Him?

Daffy:
Her!

Bugs and Daffy:
Them!

[Driving alongside the good guys, Nasty Canasta lights a stick of dynamite to throw into their car.]

Kate:
Dynamite?! Who has dynamite?!

Daffy:
[scoffs] Welcome to my world.

[The good guys take off, leaving the bad guys with the lit dynamite.]

Yosemite Sam:
Throw it out the window! Throw it out! THROW IT OUT!

Canasta:
But innocent people could be hurt.

Yosemite Sam:
THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW!

Smith:
It'll send the wrong message to children!

Yosemite Sam:
GIMME THE--!

[dynamite explodes]

Yosemite Sam:
Ooh!

[just before the heroes' flying car crashes, it stops a few feet above the desert ground]

Bugs:
Ha! Outta gas.

[fade to black]

Kate:
What?! It doesn't work like that!

[Cut back to car, which smashes into the ground; fade to black again]

Bugs:
Thanks, Toots.

[In the desert, D.J. spots a Wal-Mart store, rippling in the heat]

D.J.:
Hey, look at that!

Bugs:
Is it a mirage, or just product placement?

Daffy:
Who cares? With shopping convenience at such low prices!

[Daffy runs toward the image.]

Daffy:
Water! Fresca! Mountain Dew! Your product name here! Woo-hoo-hoo!

DJ:
[to Kate] Is this your idea?

[She opens her mouth to object, then gets defensive.]

Kate:
The audience expects it. They don't even notice this kind of thing anymore.

[D.J. shares his disappointed look with the audience; later, the intrepid adventurers depart the desert Wal-Mart with beverages]

Bugs:
Nice of Wal-Mart to provide these Wal-Mart beverages in retoin for us saying "Wal-Mart" so many times.

[Wile E. Coyote observes the heroes trudging through the desert.]

Bugs:
I told ya we shoulda made that left toin at Albuqwirky.

Daffy:
Don't start that again!

[Inside the Area 52 lab, chief spy-scientist Mother talks to the DJ et al.]

Mother:
This isn't about the giant ants, is it?

Kate:
Giant... ants?

Mother:
'Cause they're not really ants... anymore.

[Mother drinks from a flask of blue liquid.]

D.J.:
Tell me about the Blue Monkey.

[She spews her beverage on D.J.]

Mother:
How do you know about that thing that I've never heard of in my entire life?

D.J.:
My dad told me.

Mother:
What is the point of making them pinky-swear?!

[At the Louvre, as Daffy grabs the playing-card lens, Elmer Fudd jams his shotgun into the back of Daffy's head.]

Elmer:
I'll take that!

Bugs:
Em, what gives, Doc? We made thoity-five pictures together.

Elmer:
Well, as it tuwns out, I'm secwetwy evil.

Daffy:
[snorts] That's showbiz for ya!

Elmer:
Now, make with the card, so I can pwease my dark masters!

[Bugs and Daffy enter the Persistence of Memory painting to evade Elmer Fudd. Elmer follows, enters, and takes aim, until his gun melts, remaining true to the theme of the painting. Bugs and Daffy laugh at him and run off, but they too start melting; their voices are slow and toned to a low key]

Daffy:
Well, this is surreal.

Elmer:
[Producing icons that represent each word he says] Stop, or I'll fire! [Attempts to take aim again]

Bugs and Daffy:
Yipe!

[Elmer fires, but the bullets are only propelled a few inches away. Elmer starts to melt completely out of shape. Bugs and Daffy make their way to the next painting through the wallpaper]

[After Elmer Fudd leaps out of La Grande Jatte (by pointillist Georges Seurat), Bugs reads to him from a museum guide.]

Bugs:
Pointillism. A technique using individual dots of pigment, which, taken together... [whips out a pocket electric fan] ...make an image. [turns on the fan.]

Elmer:
Aw, crud! [Elmer's dots start to disperse, until only his shoes are left.]

Bugs (to audience):
I think, when you go to the movies, you should learn somethin'.

[Daffy is busy redrawing himself.]

[As Granny's elephant progresses through the jungle, a flock of multicolored Tweety birds fly around]

Tweety:
I've discovered my woots!

Sylvester:
I've discovered my lunch!

[The birds attack Sylvester. Cut to Tweety, in African garb]

Tweety:
Cry freedom!

[From behind, we see the elephant come upon a picturesque lost city in the jungle.]

Daffy:
What a fantastic view!

Bugs:
Unless you're in the audience, in which case you've been staring at an elephant's behind for thoity seconds.

[Outside the ACME satellite, Marvin the Martian (who Bugs and Daffy previously almost got rid of) holds an ACME Bubble Gun on Bugs.]

Marvin:
You tricked me!

Bugs:
Eh, what's up, Darth?

ACME Chairman:
[to a miserable Wile E. Coyote] My God, young man, what am I going to do with you?! You've done nothing but screw up! You've walked off of mesas! You've been smashed by boulders! You've been run over by diesel trucks! And don't blame the equipment! The equipment is good; it's ACME equipment. You're a coyote! Be wily! [calms down] All right, now...buck up and let's see a little smile.

[Wile E. smiles, briefly and unenthusiastically]

ACME Chairman:
Little bigger.

[Wile E. gives a bigger one, this time holding it]

ACME Chairman:
Little bigger.

[Wile E.'s smile spreads to a disproportionate size]

ACME Chairman:
Oh, that's nice. Now, just go take a shower, and don't come back till you smell better!

[Wile E., now cheered up, heads upstairs]

ACME Chairman:
[calling to him] But be careful! There's some men moving a safe up there, and I don't want you to--

[A cartoonish jet-engine, followed by a "crash" sound, is heard]

ACME Chairman:
[pause] And be careful of the box of fireworks, because--

[Released fireworks are heard]

ACME Chairman:
[pause] I suppose I should mention the plate-glass window--

[Shattering glass is heard]

ACME Chairman:
[pause] It's tough being the boss.

[while Bugs fights Marvin outside a spaceship, Daffy cowers inside, sucking his thumb]

Daffy:
What am I gonna do? What would Damian Drake do? What would Duck Dodgers do? [pause] Wait a minute, I am Duck Dodgers!

[he spins and changes into his Duck Dodgers outfit.]

Daffy:
A-ha! I'm going to be the hero of this picture! [straps on a rocket] Duck Dodgers to the rescue!

[the rocket explodes; Daffy straps on a second rocket]

Daffy:
[dazed] Duck Dodgers to the rescue!

[another explosion; Daffy straps on a third]

Daffy:
[dazed] Duck Dodgers--

[yet another explosion; Daffy angrily glares at a fourth rocket]

Daffy:
Duck!

[yet another explosion; cut to Daffy, now outside with working rocket strapped on]

Daffy:
It's You-Know-Who to the rescue! [to the camera] It helps if ya don't say the name.

[On a small, monkey-sized puzzle piece]

Daffy:
This is the Blue Monkey? This dime-store bauble?!

[Daffy lifts the figure off its alter, triggering a mechanism and causing the alter to slide down into the floor]

Daffy:
[ignoring this, angrily] I've been rooked!

D.J.:
That shouldn't happen.

Daffy:
Shafted by the gods!

D.J.:
Nice going, Daffy.

Daffy:
I demand recompense! I want my diamond! WHERE IS MY HUMONGOUS ROCK?!

[A boulder falls and flattens him]

Bugs:
Ha! Pressed duck.