Fielding Mellish:
I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.

Fielding Mellish:
You're busy tonight?

Norma:
Some old friends are coming over. We're gonna show some pornographic movies.

Fielding Mellish:
You need an usher?

Nancy:
Would you like to volunteer for the Volunteers for San Marcos?

Nancy:
Have you ever been to Denmark?

Fielding Mellish:
I've been, yes... to the Vatican.

Nancy:
The Vatican? The Vatican is in Rome.

Fielding Mellish:
Well, they were doing so well in Rome that they opened one in Denmark.

Fielding Mellish:
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

Sharon Craig:
Differences of views should be tolerated, but not when they are too different. Then he becomes a subversive mother.

Fielding Mellish:
Blood! That should be on the inside!

Fielding Mellish:
You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department.

Fielding Mellish:
When is the revolution?

Esposito:
Six months.

Fielding Mellish:
Six months? I have a rented car!

Fielding Mellish:
Doing a sociological study on perversion. I'm up to Advanced Child Molesting.

Nancy:
May I ask... what do you do?

Fielding Mellish:
I'm a product tester for a large corporation. I make sure products are safe and practical. Today I tested an exercise machine, and an electrically warm toilet seat for cold days.

Fielding Mellish:
I love Eastern philosophy. It's... it's metaphysical, and redundant. Abortively pedantic.

Nancy:
I know just what you mean!

Fielding Mellish:
That's very wise, you know...? That's, I think, pithy.

Nancy:
It was pithy. It had... great pith.

Fielding Mellish:
Yeth. Pith.

Fielding Mellish:
You don't have hostility to the male sex, do you?

Nancy:
Oh, Women's Lib do not automatically mean castration.

Fielding Mellish:
Oooh, don't say that word! Now I've got to walk around like this for two days!

Nancy:
Oh, I know! You know, I'm the same way on that word "appendicitis". Ooh.

Fielding Mellish:
Oooh, but "castration"...!

Nancy:
"Castration", "appendicitis", either one!

Fielding Mellish:
I had a good relationship with my parents. They rarely every h-... I think they hit me only once, actually, in my whole childhood. They, they, uh, started beating me on the 23rd of December in 1942, and stopped beating me in the late Spring of '44.

Fielding Mellish:
I was a nervous child - I was a bed wetter. When I was younger, I, uh, I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself...

Nancy:
I have to tell you something, and I don't know how to break it. Oh, Fielding...

Fielding Mellish:
Why? Is something the matter? Am I... am I... Have you seen X-rays of me?

Nancy:
I want to work with pygmies in Africa! I want to work with lepers in a leper colony! I don't think that you...

Fielding Mellish:
I'm willing to...! No, it's perfectly okay with me! I like leprosy! If that's what you're asking me... I'm perfectly willing to... I like leprosy, I like cholera! I like all the major skin diseases!

Fielding Mellish:
Jesus, life is so cruel!

Fielding Mellish:
See what I mean?

Fielding Mellish:
We fell in love. Well, I fell in love - she just stood there.

Fielding Mellish:
I move for a mistrial! This is discrimination! Do you realize there's not a single homosexual on the jury?

Judge:
Yes there is.

Fielding Mellish:
Really, which one? Is it the big guy on the end?

Don Dunphy:
Good afternoon. Wide World of Sports is in the republic of San Marcos where we are going to bring you a live on the spot assassination. They're going to kill the president of this lovely Latin American country and replace him with a military dictatorship.

Howard Cosell:
The door opens. It's El Presidente waving at the crowd. A shot rings out! He turns and runs back to the building. The crowd has gone wild. He is caught in a crossfire of bullets. And down! It's over! It's all over for El Presidente!

Esposito:
From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old!

Fielding Mellish:
What's the Spanish word for straitjacket?

Fielding Mellish:
I'm not suited to this job. Where do I come off testing products? Machines hate me. I should be working at a job I have some aptitude for, like donating sperm to an artificial insemination lab.

Esposito:
You have a chance to die for freedom.

Fielding Mellish:
Yes, well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life.