Albatross Woman:
Albatross... Albatross. ALBATROSS.

Albatross Woman:
... You're not supposed to be smoking that. Albatross.

Albatross Woman:
Seagull sickle... Pelican bon-bon... ALBATROSS.

Wife:
I will have two icecreams, please.

Albatross Woman:
I don't have any icecreams, I've just got this albatross. ALBATROSS.

Wife:
What flavour is it?

Albatross Woman:
...Well it's an albatross. Isn't it? It's not any bloody flavour. ALBATROSS.

Wife:
It's got to be some flavour, I mean everything's got a flavour.

Albatross Woman:
All right. All right. It's bloody... albatross flavour... Bleedin' seabird bleedin' flavour. ALBATROSS.

Wife:
You get wafers with it?

Albatross Woman:
Of course you don't getting fucking wafers with it you cunt. It's a fucking albatross isn't it.

Husband:
It's the Bishop of Leicester.

Wife:
How do you know?

Husband:
Tattooed on the back of his neck. I think I'd better call the police.

Wife:
Shouldn't you call the church?

Son:
Call the Church Police.

Customer:
I'd like to have an argument please.

Flying minstrel:
I've got two legs, from my hips to the ground / And when I move them, they walk around / And when I lift them, they climb the stairs / And when I shave them, they ain't got hairs.

Barrister 1:
I did my whole, "Serious offense" bit and then I waggled me wig!

Husband:
You did what?

Barrister 1:
I waggled me wig!

Yorkshireman 1:
Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of cold poison, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad would kill us, and dance about on our graves.

Yorkshireman 2:
But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.

Customer:
This isn't an argument! It's just contradiction!

Professional Arguer:
No, it isn't!

Customer:
Yes it is!

Professional Arguer:
No, no, no!

Customer:
It is!

Professional Arguer:
No, it isn't!

Customer:
Yes it is! An argument is an intellectual process! It isn't just contradiction!

Professional Arguer:
Look, if I'm to argue with you, I have to take up a contracitary position!

Customer:
Yes, but it's not just saying "No it isn't!"

Professional Arguer:
Yes, it is!

Customer:
No, it isn't!