Splitz

Joan:
You know what I wish we could do?

Gina:
Drugs?

Joan:
Oh Warwick, thank God you came!

Warwick:
First time a girl ever said that to me and I haven't got a single witness.

Warwick:
Now the first thing we're gonna do is running-in-place. Does anybody know what happens when you run in place?

Gina:
You miss the bus.

Joan:
What'd you wanna come here for anyway?

Gina:
I have this morbid fascination for pain and suffering.

Lois Scagliani:
Why do you hate the Phi Beta sorority so much? Is it something buried deep in your past, some dark secret that you've carried with you all these years like an unhealed scar?

Dean Hunta:
No. It's just another example of senseless random violence perpetrated against the underdog.

Lois Scagliani:
Oh, well, that clears that up.

Vito Napoliani:
I know something's happened to her, I can feel it in my balls, I can feel it.

Rosa Napoliani:
Say Vito, she's five minutes late. What could happen in five minutes?

Vito Napoliani:
What can happen in five minutes? I'll tell you what can happen in five minutes, Rosa: BANG! How long did that take?

Dean Hunta:
This had better be important, Carl. I told you I don't want to be disturbed.

Carl:
I know you don't WANT to be disturbed, but let's face it, you are!

Joan:
What size panties do you think Lois wears?

Midge:
Well if she ever wore panties, probably about a medium.

Vinnie Mamabasta:
Moral fiber is very important. It keeps you regular.

Dean Hunta:
I've been doing some thinking... You do understand the word 'thinking,' Scagliani?

Lois Scagliani:
Thinking: a conjugated verb meaning to ponder or mull.

Supermarket Girl:
Drop dead.

Vinnie Mamabasta:
I wish you hadn't said that but, look, how were you supposed to know I only got... 48 days to live?

Supermarket Girl:
What? You only have 48 days to live?

Vinnie Mamabasta:
Well, 51 counting legal holidays.

Midge:
So are you looking forward to playing basketball in your birthday suits, girls?

Fern Hymenstein:
What?

Gina:
That's the name of the game, baby: Strip-Basketball. It's very simple. You make a basket, we take something off. We make a basket, you take something off.

Dean Hunta:
This is a gun! Nobody reads poetry that bad and gets away with it!

Vinnie Mamabasta:
When you hear the words, 'I gotta take a leak,' you will fall into a deep trance.

Fern Hymenstein:
So come on, where are all your players? We can't play with ourselves.

Midge:
Want me to show you how?

Joan:
Wait, I think she's coming to.

Gina:
She's coming too? Well, we all know Warwick did, but Susie?

Warwick:
Look, either Susie goes out with me or I'm gonna personally flush you down the toilet limb-by-limb.

Chuck:
Warwick, give me a break, okay? I just manage the band, alright? I don't run their personal lives.

Warwick:
You know, you make a reasonable point there, Chuck. I'm being irrational. You're not the object of my anger, I'm merely displacing it on you because, well... because you're convenient. It's my own sense of inadequacy that disturbs me. Now if I'm going to deal with this thing maturely, I'm just gonna have to handle it all on my own.

Dean Hunta:
It is my ambition to be unfair.

Chuck:
Warwick's heart was in the right place, even if his brains were just below his belt.

Mr. Tooth:
This is my girlfriend, Miss Toothpaste. Just squeeze her from the bottom and, boy, does she put out!

Mr. Brush:
I try to keep Mr. Tooth and his whole neighborhood clean... kinda like the vice squad!

Harvey Hunta:
Oh God, let this hallucination go on forever and I promise I'll never pay my income tax late again!

Vinnie Mamabasta:
What's your sign? Yield?

Gina:
I thought this was supposed to be our big gig. What's the entire school board doing here?

Gina:
Hmmm, well yes, ladies and gentleman, as you can see the atmosphere here is charged - mostly because the girls couldn't afford cash.

Tweeter:
I got a bootleg tape in here of The Strawberry Alarm Clock jammin' with Jerry Vale. Do you got any idea how much that's worth?

Tweeter:
Listen, everything's gonna be sweet cuz you came to the Tweet.

Referee:
[At the wrestling match] Rule #1: Any team caught plugging thier opponant's bowling balls with chewing gum will not be eligible for the grand prize.

Gina:
What are you reading, Susie? 'You Are What You Chew.' When are you gonna give up on this health food bullshit?

Susie:
I happen to believe my body is a sacred temple.

Joan:
Gina's body is more like the corner store... open 24 hours.

Gina:
Well at least mine's not a drive-thru, honey.

Referee:
[At the basketball game] Okay girls, you know the rules. No dirty stuff, no pullin' the face mask, no hittin' below the belt and the most important rule, no radio playing.